Tag Archives: national review online

  sext machine

National Review Online Really Wants To Read Eric Holder Word-Sexing His Wife

Portrait of a man looking forward to a nice university president job
Eric Holder, who is kind of a jerk sometimes and is pretty great other times, is in some sort of lawsuit or something because Fast & Furious Ebolagate Solyndraghazi. But did you know he has claimed he shouldn’t have to turn over in discovery some emails he sent to his wife? National Review Online knows, and they are all like “we will parse this legal mumbo jumbo and wonder what kind of exemption from discovery he could possibly be claiming, blah blah blah lawyer thing, we’re boring.” Read more on National Review Online Really Wants To Read Eric Holder Word-Sexing His Wife…
  more like medium rare (and nice and bloody)

Some Douche Pretty Sure Wendy Davis Could Have Carried Baby To Term In Her Fallopian Tube, Because Science

Wendy Davis, she’s this lady. Turn-ons include running for Texas governor, being a Demoncrap, and murdering all the babbies. But! Some douche from LifeSiteNews, writing at NRO, thinks she didn’t even abortion her own two babbies after all, because he doesn’t know how fallopian tubes work we guess, and also other “reasons” that are not actually “reasons” at all! Imagine that! Great Buckley’s Ghost, tell us about how Wendy Davis is probably super-definitely lying about her ectopic pregnancy and the other one where her unborn daughter had some terrible pre-birth brain-illness, and Davis and her family decided the most loving thing to do was shmashmortion her, please! Read more on Some Douche Pretty Sure Wendy Davis Could Have Carried Baby To Term In Her Fallopian Tube, Because Science…
  will no one rid us of this troublesome idiot?

Jonah Goldberg Has Thoughts About Hobby Lobby, And All Of Them Are Wrong And Dumb

We usually ignore Jonah Goldberg because sweet merciful Yehuda, life is just too short. But his column today on the Hobby Lobby decision is such a precious pile of stupid, we could not let it pass without comment. Also, if we have to think about Jonah Goldberg’s penchant for cosplay as a Game of Thrones character, then so do you. First, a rule of thumb for all you aspiring pundits out there: if a reader is so gobsmacked by the stupidity of a paragraph that he has to re-read it half a dozen times and then go into the secret Wonkette chatcave to talk about it with his fellow writers and make sure he is not insane, then there is a chance you have written something of such supreme idiocy that dead Greek philosophers would regret their part in the evolution of rational thought. Like so: Read more on Jonah Goldberg Has Thoughts About Hobby Lobby, And All Of Them Are Wrong And Dumb…
  it's in the reach of my arms

NRO Remembers Maya Angelou’s Greatest Accomplishment: Guns

We know we already posted one tribute to Maya Angelou today, but Yr Wonket is nothing if not fair. You see, we listed a number of her achievements — “poet, essayist, actress, memoirist, historian, educator, civil rights advocate, Poet Laureate, excellent human being” — but darned if we didn’t leave out her most important attribute, which thankfully has been identified by Tim Cavanaugh at the National Review Online: “R.I.P., Maya Angelou, Proud Gun Owner and User.” Because when you think of Maya Angelou, the first thing you think of is her dedication to the Second Amendment. Read more on NRO Remembers Maya Angelou’s Greatest Accomplishment: Guns…
  uppity

Now Obama Thinks He Is President On ‘Presidents Day,’ As If

We are sorry to inform you of this, because we know you are all gay for the “president,” “Barack” “Obama,” but he has really fucking stepped in it this time. Did he see white-woman boobs again? Yes, but that is not even the most terrible thing he did this weekend. You guys, Barack Obama tweeted a picture of HIMSELF on Presidents Day, like he is some kind of president! Here, in its entirety, is the trenchant commentary from National Review Online in its bloog post “Obama Celebrates Himself On Presidents Day.” Read more on Now Obama Thinks He Is President On ‘Presidents Day,’ As If…
  twas beauty killed the beast

But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?

Some time back in the late Pleistocene era (last month? that is how time works, correct?) the United States Supreme Court was all like nah mang, teh ghey, they are people we guess, and the New Yorker responded with a charming cover showing Original Bachela’s Ernie and Bert in an affectionate cuddle. Some people simply did not care for this! (And not all of them were K-Lo, even!) When Ernie and Bert sat in the dark, watching the news like any old boring marrieds, K-Lo responded with two words: Innocence. Lost. What will she think of this giant penis disguised as the Empire State Building? Read more on But What Will K-Lo’s Reaction Be To This New Yorker Cover Of Anthony Weiner’s Danger Dong?…
  Boo Yoo Too

Dubya’s Rottenest Torture Turd John Yoo Has Important Thoughts On NSA Leaks And The Rule Of Law

Remember all the fun we had debating whether torture was torture? Well, the good times don’t have to end, because everyone’s favorite unindicted war criminal John Yoo is back at National Review Online’s Treasury of Travesties “The Corner” to remind us all that John Yoo is a fucking disgrace. In this installment of “John Yoo’s John Yoo Is A Fucking Disgrace Internet Column,” John Yoo informs us that we must “Prosecute Snowden.” A fascinating thesis that is arguably true! But will John Yoo make our heads explode by padding out his column with infuriating conflations and First Amendment hypocrisy? Ha, does the Pope wash lady feet? Read more on Dubya’s Rottenest Torture Turd John Yoo Has Important Thoughts On NSA Leaks And The Rule Of Law…
  Stupid Like A Fox

Sorbonne-Trained Economist Very Upset That Tesla Hasn’t Crashed Yet

Veronique de Rugy is a Doctrix of The Economy, says the Sorbonne, which is weird because the impression yr Wonkette gets from reading her column is that she learned everything she knows about economics from a cardboard cutout of Ron Paul’s left nut. Witness her latest on the ever-comical National Review Online’s The Corner, in which she argues that Tesla is great and all, but the really important thing is that Tesla is terrible. Or rather, to be fair, the idea of Tesla is terrible. It’s the old joke: It works in practice, but does it work in theory? Actually, to be really fair (because this stuff is important) she argues that “the government shouldn’t be in the business of lending money to private companies” because “most of the money goes to companies that could have gotten capital on their own,” and some stuff about “distortions” which are awesome when a guitar is doing them, but bad for the economy. Yr Wonkette learned everything we know about economics from the internet, but we feel pretty confident that we can eviscerate these are-you-even-trying crusts of hoary free-market dogma quite convincingly! Read more on Sorbonne-Trained Economist Very Upset That Tesla Hasn’t Crashed Yet…
  yellow badge of courage

Totally Brave Anonymous NRO Writer Does Not Care For Gabby Giffords Calling People ‘Cowards’

Why is Gabby Giffords bullying the US Senate, Instapundit, and, now, the entire brave staff of NRO? She is all laughing at their outfits and telling them to stop trying to make “fetch” happen. She is the meanest. She is the worst. Read more on Totally Brave Anonymous NRO Writer Does Not Care For Gabby Giffords Calling People ‘Cowards’…
  if anything it just makes too much sense

National Review: Give Your Kids Boundaries, Like ‘No, You May Not Shoot Up A School’

Oh, everybody was sooooo outraged when Megan McArdle took to the pixels of the Daily Beast to suggest that since only banning all guns would be effective in stopping gun violence, and we can’t ban all guns, we should train our children to “gang-rush” men who are shooting at them with semi-automatic weapons, “Let’s roll!”-styley. Everyone screamed and moaned about how Megan McArdle is the worst, stupidest person in the whole darn land, and no one could ever be stupider. But surely you knew National Review Online — and specifically Charlotte Allen — had yet to weigh in? Read more on National Review: Give Your Kids Boundaries, Like ‘No, You May Not Shoot Up A School’…
  shining bigots on a hill

Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President

We need to get that uppity negro out of the White House because he only signs the back of checks instead of the front of them, but we are not racist! (says the National Review Online Staff). And also! The people who point out that we’re racist — THOSE are the real racists, OF COURSE. This is all laid out for us in a horrible/hysterical 689-item list of reasons to not vote for Obama.  So if you’re racist or sexist or hate Poors or really have a problem with education, then there is something in this list for you! Herewith, some of the highlights – and lowlights — of National Review’s 689 reasons to not re-elect Barack Obama. Read more on Not At All Racist or Sexist National Review Staff Tells You Why Not to Vote For The President…
  great moments in punditry

NRO: Ladies Should Love Mitt Romney Because Of Gold-Digging, And Having Daughters Made Obama Gay

“From an evolutionary point of view,” harrumphs Kevin Williamson of the National Review Online, “Mitt Romney should get 100 percent of the female vote. All of it. He should get Michelle Obama’s vote. You can insert your own Mormon polygamy joke here, but the ladies do tend to flock to successful executives and entrepreneurs.” But why is this? Because Mitt Romney is super-rich, you guys (we don’t know if you have heard), and women select for status, and evolutionary biology proves that high-status animals produce more males and Mitt Romney has five sons — Tagg, Dack, Tupper, Tyrone and T’Nesho — while Barack Obama has two daughters, because his semen has sparkles in it and smells like Elizabeth Arden. Oh, sorry, here is your actual quote: Professor Obama? Two daughters. May as well give the guy a cardigan. And fallopian tubes. Haha, Obama has daughters! What a fag! Read more on NRO: Ladies Should Love Mitt Romney Because Of Gold-Digging, And Having Daughters Made Obama Gay…
  chains of fools

Romney Campaign Adds ‘Chains’ To List Of Words Joe Biden Is Not Allowed To Say

The Romney Campaign just cannot believe it this time, and you will not either. You will be so embarrassed at the shameful tactics of your side, and will agree completely with the campaign’s demand for an apology. You guys, Joe Biden said “chains.” Read more on Romney Campaign Adds ‘Chains’ To List Of Words Joe Biden Is Not Allowed To Say…
  that's not racial transcendence

NRO Hires Racisty Racist It Can Dig Up, For Racism

It seems like just two months ago that the august and erudite National Review Online was having to face its terrible shame and can all its writers for being bald horrible racists. And yet their newest fellow likes to write things about how the Founding Fathers didn’t let black people vote for a reason. And also why we should declare all Muslims (ALL OF THEM) enemy combatants and get it over with. That second thing, the Muslimy one, that is just your typical Tuesday on the #WARBLOGS, so nobody will pay that one no nevermind. But that thing about black people, and why they (oh, and women, because someone has pecker issues) shouldn’t be allowed to vote? That does seem to be beyond the pale in the Civilized Right. (HAHA, yeah, no it isn’t, we totally lied.) Read more on NRO Hires Racisty Racist It Can Dig Up, For Racism…
  this is the song that never ends

Jonah Goldberg Still Babbling About Stupid Young People

Is Jonah Goldberg bellyaching about something today? Well, it is a “day,” so indeed he is! Currently he is incredibly upset that those hysterical Obama-lovers at Media Matters didn’t bother to ask him his opinion about young people, even though he already gave these opinions to the Daily Caller when he said that young people are “so frickin’ stupid” that we should consider raising the voting age. And to be fair to Jonah Goldberg, young people ARE so frickin’ stupid! Remember back in 2008, when all those 18-year-olds banded together to cause a global financial crisis? And don’t get us started on the legions of 18-year-olds that Moody’s put on notice in 2011 because they just up and refused to raise the debt ceiling. Kids these days! SO FRICKIN’ STUPID. Read more on Jonah Goldberg Still Babbling About Stupid Young People…
  that's not racial transcendence

This Just In: GOP Is True Party of Civil Rights Because of Welfare, or Something

Your Wonkette loves a fun fact, and Kevin D. Williamson’s most recent essay for the National Review Online is full of them! The funnest fact of them all is the core argument of the piece, which is that the GOP is the civil rights party, but there are lots more! For example, did you know that Frederick Douglass’ expression of Republican political identity is as “true and relevant” today as it was then? Your Wonkette has always thought so, what with Douglass’ concerns about the inherent moral depravity associated with vast accumulations of private property and his ties to Socialists and the fact that he received the Socialist Labor Party (née Equal Rights Party) nomination for VP. Just obvious, total Republican. Read more on This Just In: GOP Is True Party of Civil Rights Because of Welfare, or Something…
  bad news is good news

Wingnuts Furious … With National Review Writer Noting Positive Jobs Report

Just who is this Bob Stein, and why is he sullying the august pixels of National Review Online with his Obama-loving and his insistence that job numbers are improving? Perhaps he would like to MOVE BACK TO CUBA, COMMIE! Here, let us read the first comment on Mr. “Stein”‘s disgusting, America-hating post together. Bob, does the Obama campaign pay you by the word, or are you on a flat retainer? The one word that springs to mind when I read anything you write is “giddy”. I wonder if the 550K who left the labor force since January are as optimistic about our economy as you always seem to be? Probably not, eh? And here, let us read the second! I’m sorry, you should have turned left, that would have gotten you to the Huffington Post. This is National Review Online, we don’t need pro-Obama spin here. Yeah, FUCK YOU, BOB STEIN, with your ‘litest “numbers” and “maths”! What has infuriated these wingnuts so? Everything. What else? Read more on Wingnuts Furious … With National Review Writer Noting Positive Jobs Report…
  it's not tv it's food-nazi propaganda!

National Review Writer Does Not Care For HBO Program Explaining Why She Is A Fat Load

It would be the easiest and cheapest thing in the world to put a picture of Julie Gunlock, National Review writer and senior female at the Independent Women’s Forum, in this space right here and then har-har-har about how she is whining about HBO’s upcoming documentary — which she has not seen but which infuriates her anyway — because she is herself a person of fatness. So, naturally, that is what we will do! On May 14, HBO will debut a new documentary called Weight of the Nation, which was produced in cooperation with the Centers for Disease Control. While I haven’t yet seen it, it’s clear from the trailer that HBO produced this documentary to deliver the same message we’ve all heard before: We’re all too fat, and we’re going to die huge, miserable, unemployed, and in pain. For absolute real, your Wonkette does not believe calling someone “wide-load” is effective political discourse; and also on the real, your Wonkette sees these Interwebz pictures of Julie Gunlock and finds her to be the perfect amount of plumpness for, say, a chef. Not grossly obese like that horrible Robert on “Gordon Ramsay Is Not Done Screaming At You You Fucking Stupid Cow” but definitely tastes everything before it gets to your plate. Could it be that Julie Gunlock, who takes so very many exceptions to this documentary she has not seen*, is somehow a mite defensive? Read more on National Review Writer Does Not Care For HBO Program Explaining Why She Is A Fat Load…
  cry us a freaking river

NRO Will Now Explain to Stupid Liberals How Private Charity Works

Oh noes, National Review Online editors are feeling a touch put out that they went to all the “trouble” of holding a group fap session righteously congratulating the Susan G. Komen foundation for cutting off grants to Planned Parenthood and then posted the account of it online only for the charity to admit shortly thereafter that it had decided to restore the funding because of UGH, LIBERALS. “Does anyone on the Left even ask the basic question of whether a private charitable organization has the right to dispose of its money as it sees fit?” demands to know NRO Corner blogger Daniel Foster, sassily. Yeah, why can’t charities just do what they want with their money in PEACE? It is THEIR MONEY, after all, that they collected off the money-growing trees, probably. Read more on NRO Will Now Explain to Stupid Liberals How Private Charity Works…
  political costume ideas for pedantic history nerds

National Review’s Racist Halloween Costumes To ‘Scare Liberals’

Halloween, it’s almost here! To help out with last-minute costume ideas, National Review Online has a devilish little “politically incorrect” suggestion: why not dress up as one of those wicked murderous imperialists from British history, to annoy your neighborhood lefties? NRO’s guest British historian “H.W. Crocker III” has drawn up a helpful list of arcane characters guaranteed to “scare liberals to death,” presumably meant to achieve the effect right after you take the time to diagram out to the other Halloween party guests the atrocities committed by the obscure old white dead guy whose fruity hat you are wearing, to make your point about the superior virtues of colonialism. What fun! So let’s see, who’s on the list? Read more on National Review’s Racist Halloween Costumes To ‘Scare Liberals’… Read more on National Review’s Racist Halloween Costumes To ‘Scare Liberals’…
  wonkette world o' books

Why Must Barack Obama Have His Own Taste in Books?

What does one say when confronted with a president who reads books while he’s on vacation? Surely something like “Why must you, President Smarty Pants, follow your interests when the time comes to select reading material? Why can’t you read something I would like to read? Why aren’t you me? After all, I am secretly a very important man/woman.” At least that’s what we should think, according to various opinion pieces recently posted on the wretched Internet. Read more on Why Must Barack Obama Have His Own Taste in Books?…
  whiners

Gabby Giffords Appearance Makes Jonah Goldberg Curse Everybody Out

Touchy maggot sack Jonah Goldberg got into “one of his moods” today and typed a column entitled “To Hell With You People” over in his Corner, because he is incredibly sick to his stomach that the vicious liberal media did not bother to crucify and poop on Joe Biden’s corpse for saying something dumb and politically incorrect about how Tea Party legislators were “acting like terrorists” during the debt ceiling negotiations. SUCK DEVIL BALLZ all of you liberal elites, because Gabby Giffords’ surprise appearance in Congress reminds Jonah not of healing or hope, but of exactly how mean everybody in the leftist media was to his irrelevant gun freak girlfriend Sarah Palin when Giffords was shot. A little fairness, you socialist commie assholes? Read more on Gabby Giffords Appearance Makes Jonah Goldberg Curse Everybody Out…