Tag Archives: national review

  Here have some news n stuff

Jeb Bush Will Fight Gay Marriage Forever! Or Until He Changes His Mind

There's a new flip-flopper in town
Jeb! Bush doesn’t care what the Supreme Court says about gay marriage. At the Faith and Freedom Coalition funtimes party last week, he promised religious conservatives he’d fight against equality FOREVER AND EVER, because Jesus said you don’t have to love your neighbor if he is A Gay: Read more on Jeb Bush Will Fight Gay Marriage Forever! Or Until He Changes His Mind…
  Clintongate

National Review: But What About The Clintons’ Underage Sex Slaves And Russian Blackmail?

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
Conservatives have yet to uncover The Scandal that will, once and for all and forever, destroy history’s greatest monsters, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Not for lack of trying — for decades, with a bazillionteen dollars, and an army of rightwing organizations dedicated to inspecting every scrap of toilet paper that ever wiped a Clinton’s butthole. And not without the aid of the media, even the “liberal” media like the New York Times, always happy to imply that if the Clintons drew a breath, it was perhaps illegal, immoral, unethical, or too horrifically X-rated to explain to the children. Read more on National Review: But What About The Clintons’ Underage Sex Slaves And Russian Blackmail?…
  thanksgiving at the corner

Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Suddenly that gas price no longer indicates how old this photo is!
Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey. Read more on Let Us Now Praise Famous K-Lo Recipes: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers…
  aye yai yai!

Evil Obama Planned To Send Secret Messages To Browns Only

Still the worst
Thank goodness for the wingnuts, who are keeping tabs on El Jefe Barack de la Martinez Diaz Obama and his conspiracy with the racists of La Raza to stealthily send hordes of brown people to conquer America while all the godly white people are distracted by their NASCAR and their Serial podcasts. Otherwise Obama would just quietly announce his new executive action on immigration to the dusky-hued masses, and no one of importance would notice! Read more on Evil Obama Planned To Send Secret Messages To Browns Only…
  We just invented a new word and it is plagiarism

National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson

A Doktor Zoom original
If you were concerned that hack plagiarist Benny Johnson, Buzzfeed’s former viral politics editor and laughing stock of the internet — which he loves :) — would disappear into oblivion and fade from our memories, pinch your collective selves and quit your daydreaming because it turns out that there is still one cockroach-infested corner of the internet that thinks Benny would make a fine addition to its staff, and it is National Review! Read more on National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson…
  heart of darkness

Kevin Williamson’s Heart Of Darkness

Kevin Williamson leads his crew on a journey into deepest, darkest Illinois.
We usually avoid the work of Kevin D. Williamson at National Review, partly because every piece is overwritten tripe with a point so far outside of reality we need a wormhole to reach it, and partly because we are creeped out by Williamson, who looks like the dandified love child of Ted Bundy and a deformed penis. He is also probably the most consistent race-baiter at NR since old John Derbyshire took his white sheets to VDARE, and our blood pressure does not need more nudging towards the red line. Read more on Kevin Williamson’s Heart Of Darkness…
  Sad Bait for a Sunday Afternoon

Midwestern Police Trying New ‘Shoot All Black People’ Approach

Shuclack
Here are a couple stories in which police officers shot people, and race was most certainly not a factor, because race is never a factor now that Barack Obama is President/Dictator for Life. We begin with the tragic death of a man named John Crawford, who was shot by police officers in an Ohio Walmart for the crime of shopping for a BB gun while black. While Crawford was busy exercising his Second Amendment rights, two other shoppers, April and Ronald Ritchie, decided they ought to inform the local police that a scary black man was carrying a gun in a store where guns are sold. Read more on Midwestern Police Trying New ‘Shoot All Black People’ Approach…
  Oy Gevalt

Can You Even Milk A Jew? They Are Not Cats

But milk the Jew before you throw him down the well
Oh, golly, did Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, ever get a scoop Wednesday! Well, not a scoop, exactly, but it’s plenty outrageous, as his screaming headline indicates: “Dem 2014 Campaign Strategy Released Online: Milk the Jews.” And mercy, his dudgeon is set at a high level indeed: Read more on Can You Even Milk A Jew? They Are Not Cats…
  Won't someone please think of the bigots?

Donald Trump Thinks Obama Should Resign Because That Guy From Mozilla Got Fired

Have you heard about how the liberal gay mafia fascists who hate diversity lynch mobbed that sweet nice man, Brendan Eich, who was CEO of Mozilla until he was killed by the evil gay agenda? Of course you have, because whiners gonna whine, and oh dear lord, they cannot stop whining about how unfair and un-American and un-other things it is that Eich must now stand in the unemployment line eating gruel. All of this because Eich merely donated $1000 to the Proposition 8 efforts. And hey, since money is speech — thanks, Supreme Court! — we guess donating money to a hate group is hate speech. Funny how the employees of Mozilla were not quite so comfortable working with a dude who engaged in hate speech. Nor were the members of his board. Nor were the folks at OKCupid, who were all “free market, bitches.” But this has given many people a very sad sad, because instead of being patient and understanding and gracious to the bigots of America who have clearly lost their war to banish The Gay, those mean lefty lefties are being mean and making everyone cry and also killing the First Amendment, which lefty lefties are always trying to do with their birth control and their Happy Holidays and such. Let us now point and laugh and gloat like the sore winners we are at the people who are crying all the tears because it is slightly less safe to be a bigot in America. Read more on Donald Trump Thinks Obama Should Resign Because That Guy From Mozilla Got Fired…
  nice time!

Quick, Let’s All Do Frauds On PA Elections

Mitt Romney’s chances of winning Pennsylvania’s electoral votes were dealt a serious blow on Friday as a Commonwealth Court judge issued a permanent injunction against the enforcement of PA’s strict voter ID law. In the ruling, Judge Bernard L. McGinley noted that, despite compelling evidence that the law would disenfranchise hundreds of thousands of eligible voters, the state did a poor job of explaining why the law was necessary, in the sense that they did not even attempt to do so: Respondents stipulated that the reason [for the law] was not predicated upon in-person voter fraud, and that there were no specific incidents of voter fraud underlying passage of the Voter ID law. Oh sure, they expect us to believe that Democrats were winning all those elections because people were legally voting for them. Read more on Quick, Let’s All Do Frauds On PA Elections…
  we will walk the plank thanks

Duck Dynasty And National Review Cruises Locked In Battle To Death To Claim Your Hard-Earned Angerbear Racist Dollars

Looking forward to 2014? Already planning your big vacation? Decided which cruise you’re going to go on? Probably not, because you’re probably having an incredibly difficult time deciding between the Duck Dynasty cruise or the National Review cruise, or shooting yourself in the head. Yes, yes, we know. In past years, you’ve made sure to catch the National Review boatlift, just so you could hear from such luminaries as Robert Bork and Ken Starr, but this year you may have to give a pass to National Review’s merry band of sailing nihilists and go for five glorious days with the cast of Duck Dynasty. Read more on Duck Dynasty And National Review Cruises Locked In Battle To Death To Claim Your Hard-Earned Angerbear Racist Dollars…
  fark you

Hey Reddit /R/Politics Refugees, Have You Considered Annexing Wonkville?

Do you know Reddit? It is this thing. It is a glorious place of Internet freedom where users (“Redditors”) post stories they have found from other places, and then other users (“Redditors”) vote up and down on whether it is “hot” or “not.” In that regard, it is much like our own Wonkville, where we send our readers to slave in the story mines and then bitch about how their headlines were better. A hot post on Reddit’s main politics “subreddit,” /r/politics, will flood the original site from which it was linked with masses of lovely, beautiful, $$$ traffic. This can be quite important, when you are trying to pay people and also eat food and also not be homeless, despite making your “living” on the internet. (Please send money.) But a thing has happened at /r/politics, and that is that some “moderators” went full Al Haig and had themselves a teeny-weeny little attack of I’M IN CHARGE HERE. They decreed that henceforth they would ban all stories from about a thousand million different websites completely (scroll down for the banned domains), for the crimes of being “sensational” (headlines that oversell their stories), “blogspam” (basically, any aggregator of news from around the web, which every blog is), or “bad journalism” (undefined). Among those sites? Just some total nonentities you’ve never heard of, like Mother Jones, the National Review, Media Matters, Right Wing Watch, Salon, Think Progress, and Huffington Post. Read more on Hey Reddit /R/Politics Refugees, Have You Considered Annexing Wonkville?…
  but they wanna use the parks now daddy!

No, Idiots, For The Last Time You Do Not Get To Use National Parks When They Are Closed

Nearly two weeks into the shutdown, the right’s least-pathetic gambit remains their “cakes we like” strategy, in which the impasse would be resolved by passing discrete appropriations for things Republicans support, like national parks. Shut up, Republicans do too support national parks, because they are popular, and Teddy Roosevelt was a Republican, remember? Now Mark Steyn, America’s second most irritating Canadian, is getting in on the act with a column titled “Park Service Paramilitaries” that breaks new ground in the fields of hyperbole and elision. Here’s the opening line: “If a government shuts down in the forest and nobody hears it, that’s the sound of liberty dying.” We are going to be nice and not point out that this sentence either makes no sense at all, or contradicts Mark Steyn’s entire point that people are indeed “hearing” the shutdown by being kept out of parks, and just move on, because it gets worse. Read more on No, Idiots, For The Last Time You Do Not Get To Use National Parks When They Are Closed…
  unforced error

Sen. Mike Lee Loses The Script, Admits GOP Is ‘Holding Government Functions Hostage’

A hundred years from now, maybe a dozen misanthropic trolls will know that Mike Lee was a Republican Senator from Utah and that he was dear friends with our first Canadian president, Ted Cruz. But in the here and now, Mike Lee is important, or something, at least we guess he is because we keep reading his name, and the words he said. Like these: [L]et’s leave Obamacare for another day and not hold the vast majority of government functions hostage when the vast majority of government functions don’t have anything to do with the implementation and enforcement of Obamacare. Not a bad idea, Mike Lee, and thank you for your candor! It’s so refreshing to hear a Republican admit that his party is holding “the vast majority of government functions hostage” in order to sabotage a law they don’t like. Oh, this isn’t what Mike Lee was trying to say? It would be unfair to imply this? DO NOT CARE. RUBICON CROSSED. Read more on Sen. Mike Lee Loses The Script, Admits GOP Is ‘Holding Government Functions Hostage’…
  cruz control

Ted Cruz’s Guide To Unmake Friends And Alienate People, Part Infinity

Ok wonkeroos, we need to talk about a serious subject that is threatening far too many of our most vulnerable citizens: bullying and abuse. While we like to snark and mock, we, as a country, should be doing everything we can to make our society a better safer place. Rep. Sean Duffy (R-Season 5) knows this as well as anyone, per TPM: Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) continued to draw the scorn of House Republicans on Friday when Rep. Sean Duffy (R-WI) fumed that Senate conservatives have “bullied” and “abused” their counterparts in the lower chamber throughout the push to defund Obamacare. Wait a sec. We don’t think those words mean what he thinks they mean.  Read more on Ted Cruz’s Guide To Unmake Friends And Alienate People, Part Infinity…
  i will work harder!

National Review: Hispanics Triumph In American Dream Of Lifetime Working At Walmart

We were really excited when the GOP realized they no longer had any choice but to start flailing semi-earnestly in the direction of Hispanics, because we knew it would produce stuff like this, from the National Review: “What Wal-Mart Knows about Hispanics,” by Rachel Campos-Duffy, a mother of six (good job!) and the national spokesthing for a thing called The LIBRE Initiative. LIBRE is a 501(c)(4) non-profit dedicated to fooling Hispanics into voting for people who openly despise them, and as a 501(c)(4), LIBRE doesn’t have to disclose donor information. Well, obviously! We wouldn’t want anyone to know how awesome and generous we are, either. If you fondly remember when Peggy Noonan saw a Mexican, you’ll love this: Read more on National Review: Hispanics Triumph In American Dream Of Lifetime Working At Walmart…
  won't they just shut up and let obamacare fail already?

Jonah Goldberg: If The Kids Love Obama So Much, Let Them Sign Up For Obamacare

When yr Wonkette has an idea that doesn’t pan out because a little thought or even some research reveals a fatal flaw in the premise, we spike the idea (or Editrix or Dok does it for us, coldly, like we’ve been bad, the way we like it.) The National Review does  things differently, we guess. Example: Jonah Goldberg. For some reason, Jonah Goldberg apparently thought it would be fun to write his latest column from the perspective of a man who thinks “Obamacare” is something akin to a loyalty oath, because his whole premise is: “You darn kids, you’re the reason we’re stuck with this Obama, so get off my lawn and get yourselves some Obamacare if you love him so much!” Read more on Jonah Goldberg: If The Kids Love Obama So Much, Let Them Sign Up For Obamacare…
  the girl can't help it

John Derbyshire: Military Men Can’t Help But Rape Ladies And Ladies Can’t Help But Be Liars

Oh, ladies in the military. Why are you so bad at not getting sexually assaulted? We know it can’t possibly be because the military has a terrible culture about sexual assault. Of course not. The far more likely explanation is that you ladies are eccentric gold-digging whores. Yes, the illustrious John Derbyshire, who got fired from the National Review for being too racist, which we thought was actually unpossible, has now dropped by Taki’s Magazine — the home base for that thing that got him fired — to explain how of course sexual assault happens and is the lady’s fault when it does but of course sexual assault does not happen because ladies are liars. Let’s hit the highlights and low points, shall we? Hahaha, do not be ridiculose, there are only low points. Read more on John Derbyshire: Military Men Can’t Help But Rape Ladies And Ladies Can’t Help But Be Liars…
  makes sense when you look at it this way

National Review: Only A Monster Would Say The Nazis Didn’t Make Sense

There’s a funny joke that liberals tell each other (okay, I lie, liberals are never funny because they are too busy being offended by non-lesbians) about how if Obama came out against Nazis, conservatives would find a way to defend them. Well, guess what, libtards? JOKE NO MORE. President Obama issued a statement yesterday to commemorate International Holocaust Remembrance Day. He noted that survivors who bore witness to “the horrors of the cattle cars, ghettos, and concentration camps have witnessed humanity at its very worst and know too well the pain of losing loved ones to senseless violence.” (We noted below how some in Europe chose to mark the day, which takes place each year on January 27, the day Soviet troops liberated Auschwitz.) The idea that all violence is “senseless” violence is one that has taken deep root on the left; it’s also, unfortunately, one that poses a major impediment to understanding the world. Nazism may have been an ideology to which the United States was — and to which the president is — implacably opposed, but it is hardly “senseless.” Say what you will about National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s a fucking ethos. We mean…uh…what?  We hate to go all trite wedding toast on you, but the dictionary defines senseless as “destitute of, deficient in, or contrary to sense.”  I think that most people could agree that mass genocide, for whatever purpose, is contrary to any established norm of “sense”. Right? …Right? No. Read more on National Review: Only A Monster Would Say The Nazis Didn’t Make Sense…
  thanksgiving at the corner

K-Lo Posts Her Dream Recipe: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers

Important National Review Online pundit Kathryn Jean Lopez only really gets excited twice a year: When she makes up another excuse to get people to send her a bunch of porn, and when Thanksgiving comes around so she can post a Real American recipe involving ten smashed-up anus burgers stuck up the body cavity of some factory farm turkey. Read more on K-Lo Posts Her Dream Recipe: Carcass Stuffed With 10 Hamburgers…