Wonkette

NASA, which means FAIL in the Moon Man language, has announced the doomed zillion-dollar replacement for the rust-bucket death-trap space shuttles that haven’t yet blown up won’t be ready until at least September of 2014, which means “never” in the Moon Man language. MORE »

America is back! Our astronauts floating in that useless goddamned tin can that uselessly orbits around the Earth forever can finally take off their shitty diapers and use a toilet again. This is because Our Government sent one of its three unexploded space shuttles up to low-earth orbit, at a cost of Many Billions of Dollars, to deliver a new toilet from Home Depot. That’s one small shit for man, and one giant shit for mankind. [AP/Google]

The death toll in Burma could hit a million people, the worst earthquake to strike China in 58 years has already killed at least 9,000, more than 70 tornadoes killed more than 20 people from the midwest to the southeast, and NASA will make a terrible announcement on Wednesday about something horrific they’ve been nervously hunting for 50 years. MORE »

For the great crime of hooking up willing ladies with horny politicians, “D.C. Madam” Deborah Jeane Paltry was facing four to six years in prison, and today she was found dead in a shed behind her mother’s house in Florida. The men who paid for hookers through her service, such as Republican Senator David Vitter, have paid no price for their crimes, and they remain in power as the very people who make up the laws. Anyway, good-bye, Deborah Jeane. Though we didn’t know you at all, you had the grace to hold yourself while those around you crawled. They crawled out of the woodwork, and they whispered into your brain. They set you on the treadmill and then Dick Cheney had you killed. But Wonkette just sent your name to this moon spaceship, Deborah. Enjoy the ride to a better place! [Washington Post]

We are not safe, anywhere, anytime, from the poisonous cancer death shrapnel remains of the “destroyed” Satellite of Love & Death. Some of us, however, are more safe than others. Mysterious operatives from deep within the British Royal Government have alerted Wonkette to the imminent doom that faces one of England’s most treasured towns: Cromer, the “world capital of wicket goblins,” in Norfolk shire. We urge the frumpy Tories of Cromer to stay within their quaint, thatched-roof cottages today, to avoid satellite death. MORE »

As you may have heard, the Pentagon’s space missile successfully hit that broken Satellite of Love last night, and now its poisonous death shrapnel (which has actually been deemed “unhazardous,” by liars) will come hurling into our atmosphere, killing us all. But there is one hope for us in this Armageddon scenario: the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the revered handymen most famous for getting New Orleans back on its feet within 24 hours of the initial Hurricane Katrina strike. Last week, America’s Most Effective Agency released its “First Responder Guide For Space Object Re-Entry,” i.e. “what to do if the poison satellite crashes next to you.” How will FEMA save the world this time? MORE »

NASA is rushing the Space Shuttle Atlantis back to Earth on Wednesday so the mad scientists at the Pentagon can try to shoot a monstrous poisonous spy satellite out of the sky before it crashes back to America and kills us all. The broken 5,000-lb. space robot is completely out of control and is spinning back to its planetary home far faster than originally guessed, which is why the Defense Department needs to shoot a war missile into space this Thursday to blow up the thing and scare the bejesus out of all the other nations of Earth.

The situation is so grim that the already dangerous space shuttle needs to get out of orbit and land before this doomed Star Wars exercise that will probably fill low-Earth orbit with tons of deadly space junk that will make it impossible for Earthlings to ever escape this imperiled planet. That’s why NASA is preparing for landings at either Kennedy Space Center in Florida or Edwards AFB in California’s Mojave Desert. The shuttle has three landing windows before the Pentagon begins its Space Assault.

Also, Wednesday night will feature an ominous Full Moon Lunar Eclipse, so the Moon will turn blood red at 10 p.m. Eastern (7 p.m. Pacific Time) and remind us all of our fate, which is too terrible to mention.

Satellite Shooting Is Next As Shuttle Heads Home [NY Times]

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As Washington and Moscow trade threats about nuking each other from space or whatever, there is another Cold War brewing aboard the doomed International Space Station. The Russian “cosmo”-nauts all have handguns up there! MORE »

In one of the better recent threads at Ron Paul Forums yesterday, someone floated the idea of courting Neil Armstrong’s support based on a blurb from the famous astronaut’s Wikipedia page: “The first man to walk on the Moon was also approached by political parties from both ends of the spectrum. Unlike former astronauts and United States Senators John Glenn and Harrison Schmitt, Armstrong has turned down all offers.” Later in the thread however, Armstrong’s ties with the CORPORATES are revealed — he’s a Freemason and a Skull & Bonesman, it seems, and therefore made up the moon landing! MORE »

Taking a much-needed break from breaking things, hiring diaper-clad psychopaths and blowing up spaceships, NASA has released a shocking photograph of a man on Mars that some lunatics believe could be “Bigfoot,” the Earth monster. But others in England think the Martian is Osama bin Laden! [Fox News, The Sun]