OBAMA ACCEPTS THAT WINGNUT’S APOLOGY: Okay now can people stop suggesting that Rep. Joe Wilson be CENSURED or impeached or forced to resign or whatever? His obnoxiousness stands out quite well already; there’s no need to watch Arlen Specter or Nancy Pelosi pretend to badger him for a week. [ABC News]

So very many of you friendly bored people responded to our solicitation for animated .gifs of Nancy Pelosi looking horror-struck at Joe Wilson’s “YOU LIE” outburst, so we will just post them all! Every submitter, as promised, will get to make out with/finger-bang Intern Riley for five minutes in a closet of your choice. (Just e-mail him to set up a time. If he turns down any of you, he will be fired.) MORE »

Does anyone here know how to use computers? We want to create an animated .gif of Nancy Pelosi’s reaction to shouty Joe Wilson last night, but how the dickens does one do THAT? So if one of you lovely humans would like to help your Wonkette produce a very very important stock photo for years to come, please make a (nicely cropped) animated .gif of Nancy Pelosi’s MONSTROUS HEAD from :15 to :17 in this video. We’ll give you five minutes of make-out time with Intern Riley in the closet of your choice. [YouTube]

Remember when America was American as APPLE PIE, when you could call your congressman’s office and enjoy the patriotic vibrations of MICHELE BACHMANN’S iTunes playlist while you were put on hold? Those days are over, because Caliph of the House NANCY PELOSI has decreed strict Sharia law: Henceforth, all music is forbidden in congressional offices, the obvious exception being KENNY G’S “The Moment,” since that was the Mujahideen’s theme song. But if Nancy is so in love with the TALIBAN, why has she trimmed her beard? Curious gossip mongers want to know … MORE »

NO, SORRY, WE CANNOT FULLY MOCK THIS TRAGIC PAJAMAS TEEVEE MOVIE: As much as we like to take requests from young conservative portions of the Internet during “Monday Fun Lunch Hour,” this terrible Pajamas TV thing, where their token black guy gets tortured by Nancy Pelosi and Kim Jong Il, is just impossible to finish. The astonishing racism near the middle — haw haw, the yellows can’t pronounce the letter “L,” SO… SO IT SOUNDS LIKE “R” ALL THE TIME INSTEAD! — is decent. And yet. Why is Nancy Pelosi stripping? This is when we turned it off. Thanks anyway! [PJTV via Conor Friedersdorf]

This guy. Here he is at the 2009 “RightOnline” conference, which took place in Hell over the past weekend. In Joe’s speech, he said that his “size twelves” ensure the edumacation of his children. He stomps on his kids when they get bad grades! He also told an AlterNet reporter that back in the day, when he would run across the likes of Nancy Pelosi, “Those kind of people I usually took behind the woodshed and just beat the livin’ tar out of ‘em.” What an unlikely success story! And this concludes your update on Joe the Plumber. [YouTube, Think Progress, AlterNet]

With two-thirds of the nation officially fat and $150 billion spent annually on easily preventable health problems caused specifically by obesity, you might think Health Care Reform — any of the hundred versions — would start with “Do not suffocate yourself with fat.” Never mind the expensive cancer screenings that may or may not make a statistical difference, a health-care reform package that actually aims to lower the cost of health care in this country should, obviously, start with full-on socialized government control of the consumer food chain, because PEOPLE ARE TOO DUMB TO NOT EAT 5,000 CALORIES OF CORN-SYRUP NACHO-POCKETZ PER “MEAL,” and they are too lazy to do anything but sit in traffic or watch their programs on the flat screen, and dear god have you seen little children lately? How do you get all the kids to suddenly plump up like Augustus Gloop? Better question: How do you not do this, to babies? Don’t ask Congress, because they’re too busy eating Dove Bars and sacks of Doritos. MORE »

• You careless fools! Barack Obama’s name is misspelled on a diplomatic agreement he signed with Dmitry Medvedev, which means … Stalin gets East Germany back. How could this happen? [RedState]
• Did Sarah Palin read a book, or stumble across Wikiquotes? And is there a difference? Let’s ask Plato. [Think Progress]
• The American Hostage Crisis is finally over! [Swampland]
• What do Nancy Pelosi and Michelle Malkin have in common? Besides having lady parts? They both detest Michael Jackson and his Kingdom of Pop. [The Caucus]
• “Are Crows The Smartest Birds EVER?” Watch the video! Take the POLL! Did space monsters abduct Arianna Huffington, and then “probe” her? Watch the video! TAKE THE POLL! [HuffPost]

PEGGY NOONAN TRUMPETS BAWDY CONCUPISCENCE TOWARD FELLOW LADYINGTON NANCY PELOSI: Word-writing human Peggington Noonington loveth Ronald Reagan much in today’s edition of her holy word-compilation, “Declarations.” But doth she loveth the visage of Nancington Pelosi the more? “At public events Mrs. Pelosi always tries to look engaged, a pleasant half-smile on her face. This is a courtesy women in their middle years unconsciously give to the world. It is precious and largely unremarked. You see it on the street in small towns.” Yet hath Peggingtonshire ever setteth foot-to-cobblestone in any hamlet smallether than New Amsterdam? [WSJ]

By the Comics Curmudgeon

You would be forgiven if you assumed that the members of our political class were terrible killer cyborgs, sent from the future to kill us all, with skeletons and organs made from metal and plastic. Or perhaps you believe them to be terrible hell-demons, with skin made out of scales wrapped around viscera of pure fire. But you might be surprised to learn that neither of these descriptions are true. Elected officials are real humans, like you! If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? Also, they poop and have huge boners, as you’ll see after the jump. MORE »

Hmm, what are the Republicans acting outraged about today? The usual — Obama offended the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Biden said something about his basement, Nancy Pelosi is a California lady who has an important job, etc. There are probably Twitters on all these important subjects! But, as the Twitter fad seems to be fading faster than the new Tom Hanks movie about terrible airport paperbacks, the GOP’s hundred warring factions need a new way to scare off the rest of America. Hmm, what’s something that’s destined for failure even when the pros do it? Poetry! MORE »