Meet “Col. Lou Huddleston.” He is running for Congress in North Carolina against Democratic incumbent Larry Kissell! But if “Col. Lou Huddleston” shuts his eyes and wishes hard enough and promises to be really really good, he’s 50% positive he can actually run against Nancy Pelosi. MORE »

Stray boys and cats are already camping outside of Target in hopes of procuring a SARAH PALIN NAUGHTY ALASKAN MAID HALLOWEEN COSTUME (one size fits all). Complete with a moose pelt mini skirt, an apron/Twitter feed, a GOP debit card and a boner-inducing book deal, industry analysts predict the nipple-hardening Alaskan get-up will be an easier sell than IRAQI WMDS! … MORE »

• Introducing: Lip gloss that transforms into a secret date rape drug test kit! Hallelujah! Now you can let that Republican Senator buy you thousands of Flirtinis. Ah, peace of mind. [The Daily Dish]
• Rush Limbaugh can only tell the truth because his son wished it so, when he blew out his birthday candles. Wikiquotes, on the other hand … lies lies lies. [RedState]
• Will Matt Yglesias be able to use his Flux Capacitor to go back in time and prevent himself from reading Infinite Jest? No one knows. [Matt Yglesias]
• The RNC has found new footage that suggests Hitler spent his last days in the Führerbunker pouting about Nancy Pelosi and her shared vision of an Aryan public option. [TPM]
• What will the ’10s be like? Will it be a fun decade? Maybe roller skates will have a comeback? Or will we regress into anarchy and burn tires in the cobblestone streets and eat space ice cream for nourishment? [AMERICAblog]

Speaking of Nancy Pelosi and Afghanistan and sexism, here’s a completely brilliant clip of cool-as-ice Harry Reid, the “Late-Middle-Aged Arthur Fonzarelli of Reno,” executing the latest attempt in his decades-long quest to “break the touch barrier” with Nancy Pelosi, finally. (And after all these years!) MORE »

• SHUT UP AND MAKE THE GENERAL A GODDAMN PIE: Republicans tend to hate it when ladies have jobs. They should be at home, pooping out babies, because of the Bible. Sometimes they conceal this hatred, sometimes they don’t, and sometimes they don’t in official NRCC press releases: “If Nancy Pelosi’s failed economic policies are any indicator of the effect she may have on Afghanistan, taxpayers can only hope McChrystal is able to put her in her place.” These vaginers don’t understand America, and War: our government ranks military commanders over civilian commanders, duh. [NRCC via Matt Yglesias]

Nancy Pelosi wakes up every day and picks something to make worse. Today it is the ostentatiously minor “Alan Grayson Affair,” in which Floridian Congressman Alan Grayson went sooo crazy at some Orlando Kinko’s and came back with sassy hyperbolic poster-boards. Anyway, so Nancy Pelosi could have easily been like, “Alan: just mumble some bad-faith apology on Rachel Maddow or whatever and we will reimburse you for the Kinko’s purchases.” It being Nancy Pelosi, she of course did the opposite. MORE »

• Obama’s interference in governors’ races is upsetting to those who think that Obama’s desire to keep Democrats in power is soo partisan. [New York Times]
• Internet service providers are terribly angry with the FCC, which wants “net neutrality,” a concept of unimaginable injustice that would prohibit these Internet service companies from purposely slowing down connections and blocking access to their competitors’ content. [WSJ]
• Fewer troops in Afghanistan will be fighting in deserted actual desert areas and will concern themselves more with defending cities and humans. Except N.B. to the Taliban: this is not because America is weak! [Washington Post]
• Here are your MacArthur Genius Grant winners!  [Los Angeles Times]
• Bank of America just cold refuses to tell Congress all about its consensual hook-up with Merrill Lynch. The SEC is THISCLOSE to just subpoenaing the bank, the judicial equivalent of correctly guessing its Gmail password. [Reuters]
• Nancy Pelosi is going to send a health care bill to the floor by the end of the week. She’s like, “Fucking bet me.” [The Hill]

• Some sort of Truther claims Barack Obama isn’t muslin? Someone has been watching too much Zeitgeist! [True/Slant: Ali Eteraz]
• Nancy Pelosi needs a hug. [The Caucus]
• Time for a feel-good story about the selfless charity of a very special health insurance company. Gather the kids ’round the computer screen. Do you have your cup of coco ready? And enough marshmallows? [Think Progress]
• Why would the Democrats want to keep young Americans from attending college? Everyone knows Harry Reid is a huge Dave Matthews fan, and that Barbara Boxer is captain of her ultimate Frisbee team. Democrats love college. [RedState]
• Some racist Obama pics for your spankbank. [AMERICAblog]

Nancy Pelosi has invited Paul Simon, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony to join in our nation’s health care and college financial aid debates. Everyone very kindly welcome Paul, Jennifer, and the other one, Matt! These Hollywood celebrities are from out West, way out in California-Town, just like Nancy Pelosi. This is how they know each other, from California. This is also the second time in a few weeks that Pelosi invited Paul Simon to D.C. for the important legislative Beltway work of politics. “The relationships, they deepen with repeat visits,” said Paul Simon. “The more you get to know somebody the longer the conversations get.” Haha, Paul Simon. MORE »

It’s like, why are Nancy Pelosi & The Democrats making such utter spectacles of themselves, interrupting the very important political work of health care and politics to yell at Joe Wilson? Michael Steele, in a statement, blah blah blah… MORE »

OKAY, ONE MORE PELOSI ANIMATED GIF: Nothing will ever compete with the 21st Century pop-art masterpiece that is today’s Wall of Pelosi animated gif seizure triumph, but we could not let this final submission vanish down the Memory Hole of Socialism, so here you go, and good night, and Happy September the Eleventh Eve! Make sure to leave out some pedophilia literature to distract the old Republican guys who will bust into your house tonight and try to scare everybody to death! [Thanks to Wonkette operative "David D."]