PEGGY NOONAN TRUMPETS BAWDY CONCUPISCENCE TOWARD FELLOW LADYINGTON NANCY PELOSI: Word-writing human Peggington Noonington loveth Ronald Reagan much in today’s edition of her holy word-compilation, “Declarations.” But doth she loveth the visage of Nancington Pelosi the more? “At public events Mrs. Pelosi always tries to look engaged, a pleasant half-smile on her face. This is a courtesy women in their middle years unconsciously give to the world. It is precious and largely unremarked. You see it on the street in small towns.” Yet hath Peggingtonshire ever setteth foot-to-cobblestone in any hamlet smallether than New Amsterdam? [WSJ]

By the Comics Curmudgeon

You would be forgiven if you assumed that the members of our political class were terrible killer cyborgs, sent from the future to kill us all, with skeletons and organs made from metal and plastic. Or perhaps you believe them to be terrible hell-demons, with skin made out of scales wrapped around viscera of pure fire. But you might be surprised to learn that neither of these descriptions are true. Elected officials are real humans, like you! If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? Also, they poop and have huge boners, as you’ll see after the jump. MORE »

Hmm, what are the Republicans acting outraged about today? The usual — Obama offended the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Biden said something about his basement, Nancy Pelosi is a California lady who has an important job, etc. There are probably Twitters on all these important subjects! But, as the Twitter fad seems to be fading faster than the new Tom Hanks movie about terrible airport paperbacks, the GOP’s hundred warring factions need a new way to scare off the rest of America. Hmm, what’s something that’s destined for failure even when the pros do it? Poetry! MORE »

CIA DIRECTOR TELLS PELOSI, C’MON, STFU: Nancy Pelosi accused the CIA yesterday of lying over what it claims to have told Senate leaders in a 2002 briefing on “enhanced interrogation techniques,” and today the CIA Director, arbitrary Bill Clinton political operative Leon Panetta, responded that no, the CIA did not lie. There is a MAJOR SCANDAL here: various high-profile political figures are making efforts to defend either themselves or their institutions! [NYT]

As this whole, “Who loved torture the most, the liberal leather queen Nancy Pelosi or the sadistic dungeon-masters at the CIA?” debate rages, we know we’re getting closer to the truth because both sides say the other is lying. And now this fellow “Newt,” who will not sue Twitter, will instead pick a fight with Nancy Pelosi because that is a fine way of keeping this very sensitive issue nonpartisan. MORE »

Nancy Pelosi reiterated during a press conference this morning that when she received a CIA briefing on “enhanced interrogations techniques” in the fall of 2002, she was not told about waterboarding, but she was told that everything else they were doing was LEGAL, backed by LEGAL OPINIONS. This contradicts a CIA memo released last week showing that Pelosi knew about waterboarding and loved it so much. Pelosi and the CIA are each calling each other terrible liars. They’re both right! MORE »

STAY HEALTHY UNTIL SUMMER! Jobless? No health care? Hang in there, babies! Nancy Pelosi and Barack Obama just announced a National Health Care bill will be passed by the end of July. [Yahoo News]

• CBS GOLF ASSHOLE HAS MURDER PLANS FOR, UH, NANCY PELOSI: “From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this, though: despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Osama bin Laden, there’s a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death.” [The Hill]

Way back in 2006, everybody wondered why newly appointed Speaker Nancy Pelosi didn’t let Jane Harman run the House Intelligence Committee, since Harman had been its ranking Democrat through the long Republican Reign of Terror. People assumed it was just ladies hatin’ on other ladies, as is their wont, being so hormonal. But maybe it actually had something to do with this juicy bit of news: that Harman was caught on an NSA wiretap having a very crooked-sounding conversation with a suspected Israeli agent about how to get espionage charges against two AIPAC officials reduced. In other words: catfight. Probably went something like this. [CQ Politics]

Spastic curmudgeonly warmonger Richard Cohen, political columnist for the Washington Post, has noticed a number of things in the news over the course of the last week, and he simply does not care for many of these things. He lists these things, one after another, just like that. You young journalists… you go on and get excited now. Here is the master of writing. Richard Cohen. So let’s read a number of things that Richard Cohen wrote today for the local newspaper. MORE »

• Ooh, big day for George Bush today, when he will be informed that despite whenever epigram he was forced to write out 100 times in Dick Cheney’s Schoolmaster Assistant Spellings & Geographies Primer, there is a difference between “authoritative” and “authoritarian.” [Daily Intel]
• Nancy Pelosi is upsetting the entire world by posting YouTubes of her boring cat dressed up like a demon hybrid of James Joyce and a leprechaun. In other words, Nancy Pelosi is the only person in the history of recorded time to put cat-related content on the Internet and have it be met with disdain and not a book deal and a Bloggie. [Gawker]
• Mickey Kaus is still mad about that JournoList thing! Why is objectivist robber-baron Ezra Klein “privatizing” the Internet by emailing his friends??? [Kausfiles]
• Barack Obama does this quaint populist ritual in which he reads exactly 10 letters from the pile of 40,000 that are mailed to him everyday. Barack Obama is impossibly weird. [Top of the Ticket]
• AIG has a new friend in Rush Limbaugh, who will defend the company from Obama’s “lynch mob” by unwisely conflating Barack Obama the leader of an activisty band of racist vigilantes. [HuffPost]