Tag Archives: nancy pelosi

  Deja vu all over again

GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!

He's in charge here
If you loved last week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about whether the Republican-controlled Congress would do its job and pass a bill funding the Department of Homeland Security, like a bunch of elected legislators whose job is to keep government agencies running, you will love this week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about the exact same thing all over again! Read more on GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!…
  girls with high self-esteem

Science: Democrat Women Oppressing Democrat Men, By Beating Them In Elections Except When They Don’t

they have to be stopped
USA Today’s Ross Baker maintains a day job as a political science professor. This is a good thing for Ross. And while he is not the kind of scientist with the scary numbers that some Americans always mistrust, he is the kind of scientist who can write something so unique in its stupidity that it gets published in the editorial section of a national daily paper. Read more on Science: Democrat Women Oppressing Democrat Men, By Beating Them In Elections Except When They Don’t…
  I'm Not Mad Just Very Disappointed

Rick Santorum’s Tears Only Make New Pope And Nancy Pelosi Stronger

One! More! Time!
Can we establish something, dear Wonketteers? Can we all agree that the Pope really gets off on just straight-up trolling old prudes? It was just last week that Francis admitted that fracking is just the worst to the stunned silence of the pro-flaming-tap-water brigade, and it was only a few days ago that Il Papa made the salient point that Catholics don’t need to breed like rabbits because Jesus Christ, people, it is not the Irish famine. Read more on Rick Santorum’s Tears Only Make New Pope And Nancy Pelosi Stronger…
  How The Other Half Laughs

World Net Daily’s Funniest Stories Of 2014: Hmmm Er Well Okay!

Judgmental baby is judgmental
You know that when conspiracy clearinghouse and Obama birther hub WorldNetDaily runs a large headline like this, you’re going to regret clicking on it. But you also totally know you’re going to click on it all the same: Read more on World Net Daily’s Funniest Stories Of 2014: Hmmm Er Well Okay!…
  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Shakes Off Six-Year Haze, Offers ‘Sophisticated And Sober-Minded’ Republicans Some Advice

She was living a nightmare. Sister Peggy Noonan of the Order of the Methaqualone Blackout had only meant to make a short trip down the island of Manhattan to marvel at the new Freedom Tower and ponder the hardy spirit of America. But her cab found itself at a complete standstill, trapped in a jam caused by thousands of the hoi polloi out protesting a black man’s choking death at the hands of an officer of the esteemed NYPD. Moved by their spirit, she threw her cabbie several of the Liberty dollar coins in her change purse and exited the vehicle, determined to walk among the people and commune with their spirits. Read more on Peggy Noonan Shakes Off Six-Year Haze, Offers ‘Sophisticated And Sober-Minded’ Republicans Some Advice…
  I Was A Idiot For The FBI

Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief: I Was An Undercover G-Man

Mark Kessler shoots a picture of a clown while pretending it is Nancy Pelosi
Remember that insane screamy gun-humper guy Mark Kessler, who got canned from his job as police chief of Gilberton, Pennsylvania, after posting a bunch of YouTube videos where he shot at photos of Nancy Pelosi and called on patriots to fight the tyrannical government and wanted to cleanse America of libtards, and liberal reporters and other enemies of freedom who all “take it up the ass”? The guy who even the “Oath Keepers” militia thought was a tad too radical? Last we heard from him, he was maybe going to get a reality teevee show or team up with another screamy shooty guy to form a legion of stupidheroes? Read more on Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief: I Was An Undercover G-Man…
  Primarily Boring

Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!

The nominee and his nipples
The last primaries of 2014 took place last night, and there’s a fun upset-not-upset in the mix! Up in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (God Save It! © Charles P. Pierce), lantern-jawed newcomer Seth Moulton became the first Democrat in 22 years to unseat a sitting congressman in a primary, beating scandal-plagued John Tierney by eight whole points. Get us up to speed here, Boston Globe, because not all of us are hardy lobstermen living on Boston’s North Shore. Read more on Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!…
  bring the family

Clip And Save: Your Patriot Bingo Card!

  ATTENTION, LOVERS OF FREEDOM! We assume we’ll be seeing all of you Real Americans Saturday at noon. What’s that? You have plans to spend your Labor Day weekend eating warm potato salad by the lake, maybe burning some lawn clippings in defiance of local ordinances? To that we say NO. We do not give one good goddamn about your pre-marinated grillin’ steaks or your non-refundable cabin rental. Your presence is required elsewhere. Read more on Clip And Save: Your Patriot Bingo Card!…
  Oh SNAP we burnt ourselves

Twitchy Very Sorry For Calling Pelosi ‘Jew-Hating Bitch,’ Meant To Quote Someone Saying It

We here at Yr Wonkette know we are not Very Serious Journalists, nor do we try to be, because (a) we enjoy telling jokes, which you sometimes even enjoy reading, thank you very much, try the veal and tip your waitress; (b) we have never helped a president lead the country into a bullshit war with our Very Serious Journamalisming, only to print an itty-bitty apology years later that “oops, our bad, we kind of got that all wrong”; (c) we’d much rather let the serious types do the hard work, which we can then quote and make fun of — but with links, because we are not assholes or PLAGIARISTS, and we have no problem attributing our sources because that is basic interweb etiquette. Read more on Twitchy Very Sorry For Calling Pelosi ‘Jew-Hating Bitch,’ Meant To Quote Someone Saying It…
  milk bath

American Family Association Will Not Touch Harvey Milk Stamps For Fear Of Catching Gay Cooties

The American Family Association, home of perpetual source of Wonkette material Bryan Fischer, is most put out by the United States Postal Service right now. Did the USPS fail to deliver the donations grifted out of uneducated rubes that are the AFA’s lifeblood? Did it “accidentally” deliver several dozen copies of Bear Magazine to AFA’s headquarters? What dastardly deed on the part of the post office has the AFA so perturbed? The Harvey Milk stamp, of course! Last week the Postal Service unveiled the stamp commemorating the life of the famed icon who became the first openly gay elected public official in the state of California before being assassinated less than a year after taking his seat on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors. The unveiling was a cause for celebration for political leaders such as Nancy Pelosi, civil-rights hero Rep. John Lewis, Sen. Tammy Baldwin, and any other human being with a soul. Which obviously excludes anyone involved with the AFA. Read more on American Family Association Will Not Touch Harvey Milk Stamps For Fear Of Catching Gay Cooties…
  you only libya twice

Dems Chosen For Benghazi Committee May Make The Clown Show Worth Watching After All

OK, well now we’re actually kind of interested in maybe watching the Big BenghaziPalooza Screamathon that the House Republicans are planning for sometime, dog knows when; no schedule’s been decided yet. Turns out that, despite some calls for Democrats to boycott the kangaroo steeplechase altogether, Nancy Pelosi has gone and appointed 5 Democrats to the panel. And these are not likely to be members who will sit back and let the GOP get away with a lot of nonsense, at least. Looks like we’ll have to fire up the TiVo! Read more on Dems Chosen For Benghazi Committee May Make The Clown Show Worth Watching After All…
  at my signal unleash derp

Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief Returns For Unspecified Mayhem And Hell-Unleashing

Sweet Shiva the Destroyer have we missed you, former police chief Mark Kessler of Gilberton, Pennsylvania. Whatchya been up to? Anger management classes? Crocheting some lovely booties for all the kids? Sipping herbal tea from a sunflower-decorated mug while relaxing in your herb garden? Former Gilberton, PA police chief Mark Kessler has released a new expletive-laden video in which he threatened his critics, then angrily fired an assault rifle. Hmm, so that would be “none of the above” then? Y’all may remember Yosemite Salmon-Head up there from last summer’s classic film “Let’s Kill Nancy Pelosi and Throw Her Down a Well,” along with the accompanying (poorly copy-edited) novelization calling for cleansing all the un-American liberals from the Schuylkill County government. And we don’t think he meant “with votes!” Read more on Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief Returns For Unspecified Mayhem And Hell-Unleashing…
  dear mr. fantasy

Glenn Beck Pretty Sure That Joe Biden And Nancy Pelosi Will Holocaust Him Into Getting Tattoos

We’re perpetually amazed that Glenn Beck has a national platform — and a lot of money — to say things that would sound weird and paranoid even if they came from one of those guys that walks around wearing a “The World is Ending” sandwich board. What was Glenn going on about yesterday? Oh, nothing really, except how he won’t watch the hilariously awesome WHCD video that Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi were in, but he is pretty sure it is leading us all to concentration camps. Read more on Glenn Beck Pretty Sure That Joe Biden And Nancy Pelosi Will Holocaust Him Into Getting Tattoos…
  orange is the new black

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Joe Biden Rides His Vette To The WHCD Edition

Since it was Nerd Prom aka the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner last night, your Twitter timeline was already full of all the barbs and jabs and gentle ribbing that Obama put into his speech, but the the Old Gray Lady moves a bit slower, so the Times has Bamz’ comedic stylings as one of today’s lead stories. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Joe Biden Rides His Vette To The WHCD Edition…
  wad!

Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!

Vance McAllister has allegedly kissed his own staff! Wow, way to go Stretch! No, we are joking, we know Vance McAllister didn’t finally master yoga’s forbidden Contented Dog, he was merely allegedly kissing a lady he shouldna been kissing. Yes, a kissing scandal. You probably have to go back to the first Cleveland administration to find a quainter tale of martial infidelity among the power elite. From the video, it looked like he had a shot at second base, don’t you think? Now, to us, marital infidelity is one thing — you can decide for yourself if you wouldn’t vote for a guy or gal who says one thing and sucks another — but when McAllister started talking about getting the FBI involved, thus guaranteeing a fresh round of headlines with his name in them next to words like “Wants To Get The FBI Involved In His CHEATING SCANDAL,” that’s when we knew we were dealing with a special kind of ass. Now, onto Sexy Miley Pelosi. Sexy Miley Pelosi is a gross maybe NSFW thing that we will show you. Read more on Wonkette After Dark: Vance McAllister’s Romance McFailister, Miley Pelosi, & More!…
  back in the addled again

Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox

Failed “Wyoming” Senatorial candidate Liz Cheney has triumphantly returned to her previous job as a Fox News contributor, proving that government assistance to the unemployed is not needed when you’re a friend of the conservative mediaplex. After a spectacularly unsuccessful challenge to incumbent Sen. Mike Enzi, Cheney ended her campaign in January, citing unspecified “serious health issues” in her family. We hope her re-emergence on cable TV means that whoever/whatever that was has gotten much better. Wonder if her sister is talking to her yet? Read more on Liz Cheney Works Hard, Earns All The Pinocchios Her Very First Day Back At Fox…
  all due respect

Nancy Pelosi Will Be On Your Show Never, Bill O’Reilly, Does Never Work For You?

Here is Nancy Pelosi dismissing a reporter from the Bill O’Reilly Television Zoo Crew, like a boss. “Bill O’Reilly has a quick question for you,” the reporter, who had camera filming his inquiry, began. “He ran into you at the Kennedy Center Honors recently and he said you said you would do an interview with him, in fact he said you would do an interview in your office.” Egad! And why didn’t you drop everything to talk to Mr. Personality, Madame Minority Leader? What are you hiding? Read more on Nancy Pelosi Will Be On Your Show Never, Bill O’Reilly, Does Never Work For You?…
  guns or butthurt

Suspended Shooty Screamy Pennsylvania Police Chief Sues So Hearing On His Firing Won’t Move To Godless Scranton

It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything from Uberpatriot Mark Kessler, the indefinitely-suspended police chief of Gilberton, Pennsylvania. As you recall, he created a bit of a stir last summer when he posted several videos of himself bravely shooting photographs of Nancy Pelosi and calling for “cleansing” U.S. America of liberals and liberal news agencies and so on. Last time we checked in with him was in October, when his termination hearing was interrupted by a supporter’s loaded handgun falling out of its holster and onto the floor of the meeting room. The hearing was suspended until a more suitable location with decent security could be found. Well! Turns out the Borough of Gilberton wants to resume that hearing in the Lackawanna County Courthouse in Scranton, a whole hour’s drive away. Kessler filed a lawsuit to prevent the hearing from being held outside of Schuylkill County, because obviously a hearing in the next county over would violate his rights. This man knows his rights, and they include owning guns, carrying guns, fondling guns, talking about guns, sleeping with guns, shooting pictures of people who might take away his guns, gazing lovingly at guns, talking about shooting people who might take away his guns, and not having troops quartered in his home in time of peace. Read more on Suspended Shooty Screamy Pennsylvania Police Chief Sues So Hearing On His Firing Won’t Move To Godless Scranton…
  hot pants

PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings

It would be so exciting to live in a country where “Obamacare Medical Codes Confirm: Execution by Beheading To Be Implemented in America”, but PolitiFact says no, we cannot live there because there is a fire on its pants. Why is PolitiFact so mean to our childlike sense of wonder and our precious need to feel threatened, which helps us pretend we’re important? All this rage isn’t going to misdirect itself, darn it! Read more on PolitiFact Tackles Hot-Button Issue Of Obamacare Beheadings…
  nice time!

Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!

While 2013 certainly kept all the womyn busy in the kitchen baking shitmuffins, there were some bright and awesome spots where legislators on the national stage groped around to find long-lost sets of (gender-neutral) testicles and stood up for everything that is right and just in this world. In order to honor those men and women who encouraged us to step slowly away from the ledge, we have created the most coveted award in all the land: Legislative Badass of the Year. Despite tough competition from both chambers, we proudly present this year’s award to… ELIJAH CUMMINGS! Before we salivate and slobber and talk up this year’s champ, we have to give mad props (is that still a thing? We don’t know because old) to several runners-up who made us smile and feel good in all the right places. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!…
  little sisters of st. ann

In Ann Coulter’s New Religious Order, Ladies Will Marry Federal Government For Free Slutbortions

So you know how when nuns take they’re vows, they’re married to Jebus? Ann Coulter has figured out that it’s pretty much the same thing when single women want insurance to cover their Whore Pills, except they’re marrying the federal government. On a special Fox & Friends tribute to the Mad Hatter’s tea party Sunday, Coulter also explained that when Nancy Pelosi said Republicans disrespect women, she was totally wrong because she said it on MSNBC, where all the hosts are committed to force-feeding dookie to Sarah Palin. They then showed a clip of Pelosi saying that Republican policies disrespect women, since R’s have opposed equal pay for equal work, raising the mininmum wage, child care, paid sick leave, and so on. Ah, but Tucker Carlson was too smart for Nancy Pelosi! He translated what all that ooga-booga about “pay equity” and “women in the work place” really means: “So why doesn’t she just say abortion? That’s what she’s talking about. Why doesn’t anybody ever use that word out loud if it’s such a great thing?” Equal pay = Abortion. Logic is fun! (By which we mean “abortion,” really.) Read more on In Ann Coulter’s New Religious Order, Ladies Will Marry Federal Government For Free Slutbortions…