Wonkette

Gavin Newsom is San Francisco’s smarmily handsome alcoholic cult-leader mayor who fucks the wives of his best friends and generally acts like a douchesack, but at least he killed most of the homeless so you can now walk around for half a block without being assaulted by a legless drug addict spewing diarrhea in the street. Anyway, enjoy our latest Nadine and his careful critique of the Newsom Administration. MORE »

From: Ettore Greco
To: (Basically every news outfit in America, plus Wonkette)
Date: Today, 1:04 pm

Soon, we will not trust a Muslim on a bus or a Jewish surgeon at the hospital or a Christian policeman in the streets. Once expanded the conflict in the Middle East, Bush will attempt to remain commander in chief even after his mandate to involve all populations in this War. After 2008, this manipulated war of Religions will spread more and more to resemble a new Crusade. There is one solution to stop this course, otherwise inevitable: to divulge the evidence of Wavevolution (based on the simple transformation from waves to mass) to offset Moses’ big lie. In fact, the Bible is the Constitution and origin for Jews, Christians and Muslims which are the instruments used by the Bush’s conspiracy.
www.wavettore.com
——————
Fussy? Opinionated? Impossible to please? Perfect. Join Yahoo!’s user panel and lay it on us.

In the chaotic and heroic media frenzy that’s greeted the death of America’s Sweetheart, Anna Nicole Smith, only one crazy anonymous emailer (not Nadine, alas, but just as tuned-in to the real story) has managed to get to the truth: Smith was killed, possibly by the Kennedys, or Nancy Pelosi, to cover up President Bush’s affair with… Michele Bachmann.

Tony Blair, the Queen of England, and MSNBC are all involved too. Read the terrifying tale in its entirety, after the jump.

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Remember our special correspondent Nadine and her weird claims of robot sex abuse by Dick Cheney’s satanic porn lawyers fighting Sandra Day O’Connor’s legacy? Another troubling report showed up in the e-mail this weekend, just as the Washington Post published a long crazy story on the thousands of people convinced they are Government Mind Control victims.

As acknowledged conspiracies like Abu Ghraib, Iran-Contra and Watergate prove, incompetence is no entry barrier to Evil. That’s why we’ve reserved judgment on Nadine’s bizarre tales. Who the hell knows? Is that dead deer still on Cheney’s lawn?

But the Post’s twisted feature goes the extra step and says that while some of these Victims might just be crazy, the Pentagon and CIA have developed all sorts of monstrous remote-brain-torture machines and have a long history of trying such wicked devices on unwitting citizens and soldiers. Read the startling Main Stream Media evidence, after the jump.

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Are you caught in a “battering downward spiral of hate” and constantly harassed by Dick Cheney’s extortion robots and endless anal assaults? Are the termites for you or against you?

If all of this makes sense, you belong in Nadine’s World — sort of like Elmo’s World, if that beloved children’s muppet had been created by Philip K. Dick.

Nadine sends us e-mail, lots of e-mail. In these epistles — which also go to ABC News, the DoJ, Micheal Moore and the Huffington Post — she reveals a chilling underworld of robot sex dolls, a “Cheney Church,” political capital and smoke alarms that watch your every move. Join us after the jump for Chapter 7 of Nadine’s accidental novel.

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Nadine is back. Possibly shamed by our imaginary anal assault against her repetitive crazy-person e-mails of late, she has come back in force, strength upon strength!

What is going on with this so-called “Iraq Study Group Report” thing? Only Nadine knows, and she’s knows it’s bad news for all patriots trying to fight the transgendered psychotic lawyers working for Cheney.

She’s going to sock it to you, after the jump.

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Like all great artists, Nadine peaked early and now she’s repeating herself and getting sloppy.

But even as Nadine’s epistles have suddenly become predictable and unworthy of posting, the greater Crazy Community figured out that we actually read and even occasionally post such tales, so a whole new wave of Nadine-esque Nutters have found the shining path to Wonkette. They all share certain qualities, such as weird 1970s pop-psychoanalysis jargon, haughty yet half-witted anti-Bush rhetoric like you might see on “Democratic Underground” and unhealthy fixations on race and rape.

Let’s hope Nadine can get it together again … at least enough to write an e-mail with All New Material. In the meantime, join us for a very special edition of Nadine’s Notable Nuts, after the jump.

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If you’re wondering exactly what’s got Nadine so riled up, today’s chapter is unlikely to resolve the situation. But we do learn many shocking new details about whatever the hell’s going on, including a sinister “Cheney Church” where both Nadine and Sandra Day O’Conner suffered some kind of extortion typical for churches run by “Satanic Nazi’s Cult worshipping Authoritarian Distator’s Edicts.”

While Nadine doesn’t reveal the identity of “Mr. Heterosexual Basher,” she makes it clear he’s a powerful Washington Republican (obviously).

Also, a financial motivation is finally admitted: Laura Bush apparently took $150 million from Nadine’s class-action suit (?) and only New York’s new governor and corporate-crime-fighter Eliot Spitzer can stop the “domestic violence satanic Nazism.” Let’s get busy with the “political porno nonstop,” after the jump.

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When we last heard from our secret correspondent battling the robot-anal forces of the government, Nadine blew the whistle on “soul murdered political families,” vampires, “Ted Haggert” and the increasingly disturbing “stomach terrorists.”

On this Thanksgiving weekend, we shall learn of many more tragic and horrible things: death threats, “nuts and sluts” and M Day — “M day is for dead people.”

With the president of Russia poisoning dissident journalists in England and the usual lie-filled anniversary of JFK’s assassination — the U.S. House Select Committee on Assassinations concluded in 1979 that Kennedy’s murder was the result of a conspiracy — we find Nadine’s dispatches to be only slightly stranger than the actual news. Sadly, Nadine’s previously impeccable typing has somewhat deteriorated. See for yourself, after the jump.

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You people are sick. You actually enjoyed the first installment of “Nadine Tells All,” our totally real e-mail serial written by somebody out there who came across our tips@wonkette address.

Since we ran Chapter 1, the e-mails from Nadine have continued with no acknowledgment of publication here. The story may well continue to be told.

Join us for a new chapter covering the important topics of demons, “Ted Haggert,” prostitute doll drugs, nanotechnology and “stomach terrorists,” after the jump.

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A horrifying serialized tale of torture, voodoo, robot sex, Enron, anal assaults, Nancy Pelosi and “homicidally jealous transgender psychiatrists” has been arriving by e-mail for weeks, and we think it’s finally time to let you know what’s really going down.

She calls herself “Nadine,” and despite CC’ing Michael Moore, “Nightline,” CBS News, the Huffington Post and the Canadian government, the usual cabal of Main Stream Media and shadowy government elites has conspired to keep her story from you, the Concerned Citizen.

Wonkette cannot be controlled by such forces. Plus, her stories aren’t all that much different than the actual news from October, so join us after the jump for Chapter 1.

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