Wonkette

John McCain has no idea what kinds of hell he’s unleashed: “WASILLA, Alaska (AP) — Bristol Palin’s boyfriend plans to join the family of the Republican vice presidential candidate at the GOP convention. Levi Johnston’s mother said her 18-year-old son left Alaska on Tuesday morning to join the Palin family in St. Paul, Minn.” Levi Johnston must be loving this. He is, after all, the guy who wrote “Ya fuck with me I’ll kick [your] ass” on his MySpace page. He’s just gonna be cold fuckin’ bitches and pounding fuckin’ beers on the stage with John fuckin’ McCain, fuckin’ beatin’ up delegates and shit. [AP]

Corrupt Alaskan Sen. Ted Stevens, the old hack whose limited understanding of the Internet as a “series of tubes” launched a soul-crushing meme, has redesigned his Internet web site! And he’s sent out a release about the changes that we found funny, but probably only because, you know, he’s Ted Stevens and he’s writing about the Internet again. For example: “Online communities - We now have a presence on YouTube, Flickr (photo sharing site), and MySpace in addition to the Facebook page we have had. You can become a friend or subscriber to these pages and this will allow you to stay in touch with the campaign in a whole new way. Links to all of these sites are located on the front page of the website.” OK, you tell us Flickr is for photo sharing, but what in the hell are YouTube, MySpace and the Facebook?? [Ted Stevens]

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Americans, we know you’re bitter! But if you read this site you’re probably a member of the chauffeured liberal elite, so I’m guessing you’re not really clinging to religion or guns. No, you’re doing those hillbillies one better: you’re actually clinging desperately to your own bitterness! More good reasons to seethe, after the jump. MORE »

ASHLEY-KRISTEN ON TOP! The exciting music of Ashley “Kristen” Alexandra Dupre now holds both the No. 1 and the No. 2 chart positions at this digital download site! Truly this is just like that movie with Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, but if the Richard Gere character lost his job and his dignity and then got indicted on federal white-slavery charges. [Amie Street/OC Register]

The New York Times has a profile up of “Kristen.” Her name is actually Ashley Alexandra Dupré, and her story is imaginably depressing. But then if you go to her MySpace page, it plays a pretty blah hip-hop song (”amateurish, hip-hop inflected rhythm and blues tune that asks, ‘Can you handle me, boy?’ and uses some dated slang, calling someone her ‘boo,’” says the mean New York Times). That’s when we lost sympathy, and also why she’ll probably get a record deal within hours. [NYT]

It’s easy to look at Bush’s approval ratings and say, “Well it’s pretty clear that only the retarded would support him at this point.” But it’s even easier when you’ve got a new batch of George W. Bush fan letters to use as evidence. And it’s super easy when the letters come with creepy MySpace profile pictures of the guys in their underwear. MORE »

Vaguely patriotic hats, the Internets, men white coats? That’s how Washington does book parties. Our video producer, the indomitable Liz Glover, reports from Browntsein’s book party last night at The Watergate. The martinis were good.

When you suck as badly as George W. Bush, not even the GOP candidates will mention your name — unless it’s an insult. And yet, poll after poll finds that 30% of Americans who can manage to pick up a ringing telephone say they approve of this miserable presidency. Who are these people? They’re the people who write angry messages to the Worst President Ever website, that’s who. MORE »

Barack Obama has like five different cultural heritages, so it’s only natural that he’d try to break down and exploit different minorities for votes online. He has partnered with Community Connect Inc. (CCI), which according to CCI is “the leading publisher of niche social networking communities,” to create MySpace-like profiles on the company’s five demographically determined sites — BlackPlanet.com, MiGente.com (Latino), AsianAve.com, GLEE.com (gay/lesbian) and Faithbase.com (like James Dobson or something). Between these “niche” groups, Obama has made over 200,000 friends. Expect that number to double if CCI makes a “niche” site for 17-year-old Iowan blondes who like to stare at his balls.

[Community Connect]

The Fox affiliate in Los Angeles apparently has the greatest local news show in the world, if this insane Investigative Feature is indicative of the general awesomeness. Meet America’s domestic terrorists, some dudes who bug the fuck out of people on the Interwebs. Or, more accurately, meet the victims — the victims who suffered so tragically, like when the one kid found gay porn all over his myspace page and then his only girlfriend ever broke up with him. Why did the terrorists do it? Just for the lulz.

Anonymous on Fox 11 [Fox 11]

Which not-gay Romney son is your favorite? Meet them all, after the jump!

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Kids today: what’s the matter with them? According to the Navy, they are actually aliens. Danger Room found a Navy recruiting powerpoint presentation and apparently these nutty “millennials” have crazy ideas about not joining the Navy. Why? Because they are “coddled” and “narcissistic praise junkies,” of course! Oh, and because of Iraq. Also did you know they have complicated text messaging codes? And if you want to convince them to sign their life away to Uncle Sam, you’ll need to crack that code. MORE »

* What other generals have names that rhyme with something treasonous? [Michelle Malkin]
* Lying has worked so well for the six years, why stop now? [Slate]
* Last time we spent $13,000 for cookies and brownies was never, because that’s more money than we’ve ever seen in our lives. [Think Progress]
* The MySpace friend race is the same as it’s been like pretty much this whole time. [Fresh Intelligence]
* Actually, Bill Richardson makes a pretty good point. [MSNBC]
* This time, OJ fucking did it, ok? [MoJo]
* Hey, the CEO of an oil company sent workers over to a senator’s house to do some work on it for free? Can you guess the senator? We bet you can! [Political Wire]
* Bush’s list of the 36 nations in Iraq doesn’t have 36 nations on it. This is how little it takes to lie to America. [TPM]