Wonkette

That’s right, jerkwad, your sword is dirty, and I mean that in a metaphorical sense, too. While your wife has been readying her English language album for release in the States to capitalize on her new marriage, you’ve been gallivanting around the Middle East and I now just feel really sorry for Carla being your beard. Oh, you want to deny? I’ve got the photos, Nick, let’s not pretend.

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You know, what, Nick? Screw you. I’ve tried to be your friend, but you never call back or reply to my emails and you sent lackeys to enforce the restraining order and it’s just not cool. You want to marry her in a secret ceremony and then jet off to Saudi Arabia? Whatevs. She’s getting what she deserves if you’re spending your “honeymoon” apart and she’s been dating you barely a month. I mean, i thought the French practically invented le préservatif, so you think you’d know how to use one. I’m through obsessing now. Have a great life. [Yahoo News]

Nick,

I know we haven’t spoken since your little press conference about Carla. I do hope that she’s not actually in the family way, for your sake, and that your vacation was quite relaxing. But I was really writing to point out that it might be time to stop running from the specter of your failed marriage. Cecilia’s unauthorized bio came out this week, and people now realize what a harridan she was. I mean, she calls you names, she can’t stop shopping (though, really, who among us can?) and she gets her presumably expensive French lace thong in a twist that you might’ve cheated when she was cheating, too. MORE »

Um, seriously, kids, I know you’re French, but you’ve been dating, what, a month? And you’re getting married in another month? This screams bad idea. I mean, are your approval ratings so low that you have to marry your girlfriend to get them back up again? What, again, is the purpose of being the President of France if you can’t play the field a bit after your divorce? Also, I am not asking these things because I am jealous. I’m not even a little bit jealous (though, if you had said you date blondes but marry brunettes, I could have done something about that). [Yahoo News]

Hey, Carla, I know we’ve never really talked. I don’t want you to think I’m one of those exes who is all jealous of the new woman, and you’re at least the second one since Nick and I called it quits. But, seriously, honey, all the Egyptian vacations in the world might not be able to make this particular guy be faithful right now. I mean, he seems like he’s lining them up pretty far in advance, if the following picture is any guide.

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John Edwards is, apparently, always late. He blames it on the traffic, he blames it on the weather, he blames it on how far away he was before he was supposed to be there. He blames it on his parents. He has his friends cover for him. He then shows up and smiles his little boy smile and apologizes really sincerely even as he’s still making excuses and then continues on as though nothing has happened because he knows I can’t not forgive him anyway. Edwards is my ex-boyfriend. Elizabeth, I’m so sorry. [NY Times]

Look, babe, I know it’s hard to go through a divorce and then watch a catch like me move on with her life without you. We’ve talked about it before, and I’ve tried to be cool. But, seriously, you need to stop acting like a horny 15 year-old. First it’s private dinners with that TV lady, then it’s that horrid flirtation with that greasy Libyan, and now you’re cavorting around Euro Disney with Carla Bruni? With your kids in tow (a total no-no for the divorced dad if you’re not serious)? And then, this morning, you’re all touching Condi in a way that obviously makes her uncomfortable? Nick, honey, you’re the head of state of France. Take a deep breath, and stop trying to fuck everything that moves. It’s getting a little embarrassing being associated with you. [Yahoo News]

Look, Nick, I know that after the end of a deep relationship like ours the temptation is to slum it a little to get it out of your system. I totally get it. But, hon, is it really a good idea to spend the night with someone you’re so embarrassed to be seen with the next morning? I’m sure it sounded kind of hot/dirty when he suggested setting up his own tent on the lawn of the Élysée Palace, but when your own friends started to bail on the event because Muammar el-Qaddafi is such a skeezy guy, you might have thought about reconsidering. I mean, those nurses were from Belgium, after all. In any case, dear, if you want to talk about it or whatever to just get it out of our system, I’m still happy to be your friend if it prevents you from further mistakes like this, ok? [NY Times]