Wonkette

Massachusetts state Senator J. James Marzilli Jr. has a certain daily routine. He likes to take a pleasant constitutional through Lowell, Massachusetts’ beautiful parks. During this time of year, of course, the ladies of the park tend to gather in their flowing, bounteous summer dresses, to drink iced tea and chat about our boys overseas. Marzilli enjoys overhearing the ladies’ conversations, and then he enjoys approaching the individual ladies, and then he enjoys lunging for their chotches and boobs. Then he enjoys running from the cops against traffic in one-way streets, dressed like a hobo, scaring the patrons at the hot dog stands; and when he is caught, he enjoys giving the cops the name of another state legislator, while crying for his life. MORE »

New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman wrote a decent book many years ago and has since made a living by promoting the Iraq War, going on sabbatical, and coming up with useless concepts like these: “the world is flat,” “a Lexus is like an olive tree, in that both are on my book cover,” and “I used my NYT corporate Amex credit card to buy a trinket from this Pakistani, which I’ll conflate into a hackneyed worldview cliche.” This modern day soothsayer spoke to some kids at Brown University last night about the environment and got pelted with green pies, which is what happens in the Global Marketplace of Ideas. MORE »

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* Surprise, surprise — hippies in Congress sell out, Iraq funding bill expected to pass. [WP, NYT]
* Whatever the House can do, the Senate can do better — authorizes subpoenas for US Attorney bloodbath. [WP]
* Fate of Guantánamo Bay detention facility closely tied to the fate of Alberto Gonzales. [NYT]
* Tom Tancredo doesn’t bother reading new immigration bill, calls it “lipstick they keep putting on the pig.” [WP]
* John Edwards’ wife is a bit ill. [WP, NYT]
* The secret to Rudy Giuliani’s success: 9/11. [WSJ]
* CIA still totally about fake mustaches. [AP]
* Robot planes with frickin’ laser beams attached to their foreheads. [USAT]

GEORGIA REP'S MUSTACHE GONE WITHOUT A TRACE... DEVELOPING...

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* Heard on the Hill: Rahm Emanuel puts Ken Mehlman in a “mini-bear hug,” asks what he’s doing next, says, “Banking, Ken, that’s where the money is” … Surprise entertainment at the exclusive RIAA holiday party? The Barenaked Ladies. Ok, we’re linking to so many pirated mp3s in protest now… “A revised floor schedule for Wednesday was sent out advising, “H.R. 6136 — Margaret Thatcher Congressional Gold Medal Act HAS BEEN PULLED.” Thank christ for Barny Frank. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Because they live in Virginia, Mary Cheney’s partner Heather Poe will have no legal guardianship over their baby and won’t be allowed to adopt it unless they move to Maryland. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Official Congressional Gym very crowded these days, Democrats out of shape… Nancy Pelosi was 45 minutes late to a press briefing, more Democrats even later the next day. [Examiner]
* Under the Dome: Nancy Pelosi/Barbara Walters interview in the Capitol forces GOP staffers to wait until they pass before finishing cleaning out their bosses’ office… Santorum’s website slightly more gracious than his last speech… “Phil Olsen, the captain for Team USA in the World Beard and Moustache Championships, says [John] Bolton is welcome to a spot on the team.” [The Hill]
* Page Six: Just pure insanity re. Lindsay Lohan and Al Gore. It’s sad and crazy and makes us uncomfortable. [NYP]

* Barack Obama holds a secret meeting where his wife admits she’s just as turned on by power as every other political spouse on the planet. [Hotline on Call]
* “Official” blogger of the George Allen campaign dispenses advice on how to relate to bloggers during an election. Entirety of his comments entered into “do not do” section of campaign mangers’ brains. [Think Progress]
* Hillary Clinton continues taking little hush-hush baby steps towards a campaign EVERYONE KNOWS SHE’S RUNNING. [Hotline on Call]
* James Sensenbrenner’s streak of plans which backfire in his face to remain intact as DC gets voting representation. [Political Insider]
* Not Newt Gingrich, but economics wunderkind and Angelina Jolie safari partner Jeffery Sachs will be swept into the White House by popular demand. [Freakonomics]
* In Alaska, there ain’t much to do but take giant bong rips for Jesus, and screw. [Washington Wire]
* Something tells us the Mormon underwear jokes are going to be around for a while. [Rising Hegemon]
* Tom Friedman may be forced to lose the mustache in an attempt to hide from the mob that will be hunting the most ” morally bankrupt public intellectual burdening this country.” [Unclaimed Territory]

• Years of debate preceded announcement of secret prison closing, sites could be ready to use again on minutes notice. [WP]

• Military tribunals also taking years to prepare. Republicans split on classified evidence issue, no consensus on horizon. [NYT, CNN, W$J]
• Tomato/tomáto argument continues over “terrorist surveillance” or “warrantless eavesdropping” program as Bush asks congress for more authority to catch devious email-using criminals. [WP]
• John Bolton still unconfirmed, spittle collecting in mustache as he grumbles his discontent. [WP, USAT]
• Richard Armitage is so sorry. “I value my ability to keep state secrets. This was bad, and I really felt badly about this.” [NYT]