IF BILL CLINTON WAS BLACK, THEN HOW IS OBAMA NOT MUSLIM? A real winner in the Moonie Times op-ed section today. We reach Absolute Zero by only the end of the second paragraph: “The man now happy to have his Islamic-rooted middle name featured prominently has engaged in the most consequential bait-and-switch since Adolf Hitler duped Neville Chamberlain over Czechoslovakia at Munich.” Swish. [Washington Times]

It could happen in this next half-hour. “It” being, hmm, a big hedge fund collapses? Oh no, that wouldn’t be real news. “It,” of course, meaning conclusive evidence that you dumb college liberals have succeeded in getting some Muslim ACORN guy into the White House. “Nice.” When (IF!) this becomes official, there’s only one channel we want to watch: Fox News. We expect sobbing racial tirades. MORE »

“Lacasse put the sign in his front yard four days ago. ‘If I see anybody touching that sign, I got a club sitting right over there,’ Lacasse said.” [Central Florida News 13]

The political children, the children are idiots. Colorado Republican Senate candidate Bob Schaffer has a son, you see, and he is 19 years old and in trouble for putting funny images on his Facebook page, like one that shows a picture of the three pyramids in Egypt with the caption, “Slavery Gets Shit Done.” Well, it’s true, right? Do you think people owned other human beings so they could watch them flop around all day? He also has a bunch of pictures of Barack Obama as a Muslim. Well, it’s true, right? MORE »

Four-year-old lazy greaseball European gay Himmler-phile Barack Obama continues to be too effete for the United States. He just got back from his stupid trip to Nowheresville, Iraq and pinko Europe and he’s already planning another trip out of the country — this time to “Hawaii,” the main island of Indonesia, where he grew up as a Muslim with pineapples as his only loser friends. From the Washington Post: “Sen. Barack Obama, preparing for the Democratic National Convention and the long march to November, plans to spend about a week in Hawaii in mid-August, mostly on vacation.” We look forward to Maureen Dowd’s interpretation of this on… well whatever day her weird column comes out. [WP/The Trail]

Our pretend buddy and former colleague Will Leitch left the sports blog Deadspin last week. As he invented that popular website and has a reputation for being an agreeable human being — rare for the Internet — we were interested in his parting words. Here are some of them. MORE »

Wonkette email operative “Bob,” like many Americans, has received an email claiming that Obama is a Muslim, a.k.a. Not American. These patriotic emails are the only way to stop the Obama Conspiracy that threatens to Blackify our government. But Bob, most likely a Liberal, was not so sure he wanted to accept the email as truth, so he replied to the sender that Obama is not a Muslim, and if he were a Muslim that would be acceptable. For this, Bob received the reply, “whatever, he’s not american, white or black……” Despite the authoritative double ellipsis, “Arugula Bob” still couldn’t understand. And that prompted a longer response from the Smearer to Bob, which we have copy-pasted below the jump. MORE »

OMG Obama’s first general election ad. In case the reality of this election hasn’t fully sunk in for you yet, this ad should do it: every second of the next 4.5 months will be Barack Obama trying to convince old white Democratic-leaning voters in western Pennsylvania that he doesn’t want to blow up their houses in the name of Allah and/or O.J. Simpson. This election will literally be about that and nothing else. [YouTube]

Famous blogger Markos “Kos” of the Daily Kos liberal website claims that this is Barack Obama’s birth certificate, which he obtained by asking the campaign. As you can see, it is clearly false: his race is not “African” as this crap-ument suggests, it is “Muslim,” and the Wingnuts live another day. [Daily Kos]

Gah! Press e-mails have rarely been this good, and for that we will do specifically what Inside Edition wants us to do: Please watch Inside Edition’s exclusive footage of Obama’s terrorist “mosques” (HOUSES) in Indonesia where he lived from age 6- 10, Monday, May 5 and Tuesday, May 6, 2008, check your local listings. If that doesn’t get you giddy, then this teaser surely will: “Madewa tells INSIDE EDITION that Obama enjoyed playing Monopoly and was very competitive at the game. He also tells INSIDE EDITION that Obama was an avid kite flyer.” Was Madewa like his Muslim slave or something? MORE »

Barack Obama has raised $196 million dollars for his campaign in the last minute. Still, he insists upon charging some people five dollars for a sign to put in their front yards. What is wrong with him? In a column for Boston’s Metro, a Philly writer has put it all into strange perspective. And yes, it involves terrorism somehow. MORE »