Wonkette

Back in May, the Denver Host Committee announced that the Molson Coors Company would be the “Official E85 Ethanol Producer” for the Democratic convention. Joe Coors must be going ballistic, in Hell. The liberal ethanol in Colorado is made from “waste beer” — you can make “clean-burning ethanol fuel for the fleet of General Motors flex-fuel vehicles to be used for Convention transportation needs” with this “waste beer.” Imagine what the “waste beer” — the stuff that doesn’t meet standards — must taste like at the COORS LIGHT factory. The point is, this rancid beer gas, according to an early Denver operative, is making the cars kill everybody. MORE »

Ever since its founding by George Washington in 17-whatever-something, the District of Columbia has never heard the thrilling ring of gunfire. Finally, after more than two centuries of firearm-free boredom, Washington will get its very first guns, this month! MORE »

Here’s a fun picture from February 8, 2006, probably at the Capitol. It’s Barack Obama, doing the old “I’ll distract this old man with a friendly handshake, and then I’ll smash his fucking skull.” And when McCain finally regained consciousness and tried to speak, Dr. Bill Frist leaned over to hear McCain sigh contentedly …. [Digg?]

So, George W. Bush sure enjoyed his Olympic Chinese holiday! Here he is with the volleyball girls, living every heterosexual man’s dream. Let’s see how many ridiculous ways your beloved Mainstream Media tries to describe this scene, in a Children’s Treasury of dumb captions about the president pounding the asses of six-foot-tall bikini girls. MORE »

Ha ha ha, John McCain made an ungodly horrific “joke” yesterday that you’ve probably already noticed. When a reporter asked him about an increase in American cigarette exports to Iran, phunny humorist McCain responded, “Maybe that’s a way of killing them.” It’s amazing because this Very Dark Humor implies that killing innocent civilians is the specific strategy of the United States government re: Iran. Well duh! But still, check out how John McCain’s friends in the Associated Press treated this astonishing gaffe in the write-up: “Cindy McCain’s jab to her husband’s back came a second too late Tuesday to keep him from making a wisecrack about the health impact of Iran’s main import from the United States: cigarettes.” Ooooh golly, that pair, always with the loving give-and-take. He makes his silly wisecracks, she tells him to sit on it! We’re glad that the playful dynamics of their marriage is what we took away from this story. [AP, TPM]

Here is Barack Obama playing pool last night, before a Bitter Shadow crosses his face and turns him into some serial killer monster thing from Muslim Hell. He is a terribly evil man, and he is coming for you. [Getty Photo]

Sure, the candidates talk a lot about the economy, and Iraq, and wanting to help people with their lives. But who will stop these terrible murderers plaguing, in particular, Allentown? Also, when will John McCain nominate this guy as Secretary of Defense? [Allentown Morning Call]

The Clintons are different than you, because they are rich and powerful and scheming and crazy, and everyone around them dies strange and horrible deaths. That’s the word from CBS News today, with this great story about Mr. and Mrs. C’s wacky neighbor in Chappaqua. Seems that disbarred lawyer Carlos Perez-Olivo is accused of brutally executing his wife last year, for one of his girlfriend’s birthdays or something. This is the same dude that attacked some reporters asking about the extremely mysterious death of his wife. These people are all sick.

Accused Clinton Neighbor Admits Affairs [CBS News]

So people have this crazy concoction that private security force Blackwater likes to go around Baghdad and shoot people for no apparent reason. What a silly billy thing to say! Obviously, they shoot people — or animals — that piss them off, which is like half-legal for private contractors in Iraq. The New York Times has certainly been pissing Blackwater off every since the whole “massacre” thing by, you know, chronicling very clearly how in-the-wrong Blackwater was. And how does Blackwater respond to the Times‘ ballbusting? BY SHOOTING ITS DOG. MORE »

Police are investigating the murder of the Washington Redskins’ Sean Taylor, who died in a Miami Hospital over the night after being shot early Monday morning. Since Taylor had reported a previous break-in to his home eight days prior to the shooting — and Taylor’s fiancee found the house phone line cut when she tried to call the police Monday morning — something more than circumstance appears to be at play. As Redskins vice president of football operations Vinny Cerrato noted today, “”This was a deliberate attack.” MORE »