It was hard to choose which of the 750 million clips of Rudy Giuliani — the only mayor in American history to have his city’s most prominent buildings decimated by hijacked airplanes — offering his expert opinion on health care reform, on every network, to post here, but let’s go with the liberal MSNBC! (On Fox News, he is literally cackling over the concept of poor or middle-class people having health care.) He says that people have cars and teevees and homes but not health care. People need choices in America! It’s unAmerican otherwise. Jesus. Someone please dump this snarling tumor in a Bronx trash can already. [YouTube]

Liberal blog lady Marcy Wheeler said a word that we had not heard before, today, while discussing Dick Cheney’s various uncontroversial crimes against Earth: it sounded like, “blow-job.” This term upset the MSNBC anchors so deeply that we Googled it, for a definition, and oh my god you guys! [Firedoglake]

Here is our old op-ed friend David Brooks, who has turned a lovely shade of Holiday Orange, talking about the sexy night when some old Republican senator was just putting the moves on anybody within old-man groping distance … even David Brooks! MORE »

Mark Sanford’s going to talk to the media, RIGHT NOW. We are watching MSNBC, which is most likely to cover it — it is hard to get a camera inside South Carolina — due to its liberal politics. Make your bets NOW about possible sex affairs/love children, closest-without-going-over gets a chocolate dildo…

SUMMARY: If you missed the hot live action, he admitted to having a hot sex affair with a hot babe in Argentina, for a year, and then he apologized to millions of people and Gods. MORE »

Here we have excerpted the traditional “red meat” portion of a Barack Obama press conference, in which we hear from all three network news correspondents, consecutively. Why does Obama cave to John McCain and Lindsey Graham and hate Iranian people and lie about other things such as health and money care? Health care and money? Health care and money care and Iran and John McCain and queers? MORE »

NBC News is airing some thing tonight and tomorrow night called “INSIDE THE OBAMA WHITE HOUSE: Brian Williams Reports.” It will be just like Jackie Kennedy showing American television viewers her French drapes and knowledge of French literature, but different! NBC wanted two things for this special: several minutes of Ted Kennedy’s Portuguese dog doing cute dog stuff in the hallways, and a few seconds of Rahm Emanuel being mean but not mean-mean. Here’s the latter! The camera crew just stands awkwardly in Rahm’s office, in silence, until finally he tells them GTFO. [MSNBC]

• K-LO REACTION TO MSNBC REACTION TO CHENEY/OBAMA DONNYBROOK: “Something had to shatter a the set somewhere there just now.” [Instaputz]

Monster-Emperor of Targeted Polls and Hillary Clinton’s personal Iago, Mark Penn, went on the Morning Joe program today because his important book from 90 years ago, Microtrends, is now in paperback. Hooray! (And if you blog about it, you win ten million dollars!) MORE »

Remember when we posted that thing about an hour ago, about a CityFile report claiming Keith Olbermann missed his show for three nights because of some Rachel Maddow/Ben Affleck business? MSNBC just sent a DENIAL to your Wonkette, including a Prepared Statement from the teevee host. You will surely want to read it. MORE »

It’s time for the TeeVee Personality Newz here at Wonkette! In today’s first-and-only edition, Keith Olbermann acts like a jackass! According to New York’s CityFile, MSNBC’s “Wost Person in the World” stomped off the job for three nights because his pal and protege Rachel Maddow had movie star/Web traffic expert Ben Affleck booked for her April 16 show. But Olbermann decided Jennifer Garner’s husband needed to be on Olbermann’s April 16 show. When MSNBC executives refused to grant his wish, Keith stormed away and didn’t return to work until three shows later. MORE »

Oh look, former Wonkette “Pornographer to the Stars” and current Washington Times gossip reporter Liz Glover went on the MSNBC teevee this weekend during a rare furlough from her regular job selling knick-knacks in the ghetto for the glory & prestige of Rev. Moon. She and her “less eccentric” (media-trained) partner discuss things that you will not want to hear about at all, like fashion and the power-politics dynamic of the White House Correspondents Dinner, but it’s fun to watch Liz randomly dancing and putting on props and breaking her microphone completely. [YouTube]

BEAUTY PAGEANT POLITICS: “During an appearance last week with MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann, Michael Musto jested that Miss California officials also paid for Carrie Prejean to ‘cut off her penis’ and likened her to Klaus Barbie, a Nazi war criminal believed to be responsible for up to 4,000 deaths.” [Fox News]

Madame regina St. Peggintonia Noonanshire of the Wall Street Journal banking pamphlet guest-hosted a special version of Mornington Joeington today, and one of the topics was the Death of Newspapers and Journalism. In this snippetington, she interrupts a polite conversation between Mika and Arianna to declare an Official Sadness over how, in the future times, our greatest newspapers will not be able to afford sending a single reporter “undercover” to Newark, New Jersey for five months. “Oh well.” Then she calls everyone who does anything on the Internet an idiot, especially in San Diego. Just a very rude woman sometimes, Peggington is. [MSNBC]