Tag Archives: mother jones

  'Danger' Is His Middle Name

Bill O’Reilly Is One Pissed War Correspondent

He is the most accuratest reporter EVAR
Bill O’Reilly just wants you to know that he has never, ever, not once in his life ever exaggerated his bravery as a war correspondent. And if you say otherwise, he will END YOU, as he let a nosy New York Times reporter know Monday. Or as the Times rather delicately puts it: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Is One Pissed War Correspondent…
  how a bill doesn't become a law

How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)

Two mornings ago, our husband flagged for us a silly story about some dumb Montana derp farmer trying to outlaw “simulated” nudity. He flagged this story for one reason only: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE TRUCKNUTZ??? “Haha, poor TruckNutz,” said we, and threw it out to the hordes in the chatcave. Our executive editor, Kaili Joy Gray, wrote it up and that was that. “Dumb Montana derp farmer; simulated nudity; naked bicycle rides; the end.” Read more on How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)…
  Slop Goes The Needle

Looks Like It’s Time To Execute Another Mentally Ill Guy, For Justice

Not sure this makes a point about the story -- mostly just wanted to execute a Lego figure.
We know you’re all sick of Ebola and ISIS, so here’s a pick-me-up: Texas is fixing to execute Scott Pannetti, who is so disconnected from reality that he buried a sofa and other furniture in his yard because he was sure the Devil was in it. He murdered his in-laws in 1992, in front of his estranged wife and infant daughter — his wife had left him two years earlier, after he threatened her with a cavalry sword. He turned himself in to the police and explained the killing was the fault of “Sarge,” one of the people in his hallucinations. By the time of the killings, Panetti had been “diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, delusions, auditory hallucinations, and manic depression, and had been hospitalized 14 times.” Read more on Looks Like It’s Time To Execute Another Mentally Ill Guy, For Justice…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we take a good stiff metaphorical cleaning tool to our browser tabs, collect the stories that are too stupid to ignore altogether but not enough to deserve a full post, and serve them up to you in a metaphorical beverage that we urge you to consume a literal perception-altering agent of your choice before reading. Our Prime Derp this week was pretty much dictated by the mugshot above, which is the bug-eyed visage of one Bernard Marsonek of Tampa, Florida. Yup, Florida Man strikes again. Mr. Marsonek was arrested after neighbors flagged down police to report that he was doing sex to his pit bulldog. In his yard. While the neighbors yelled at him to please for the love of god stop sexing his dog in the yard, if that wouldn’t be too much trouble, please. When the cops interviewed Marsonek inside his house, they also found that he possessed a handgun, which led to another charge since he had a prior felony conviction (we don’t know what prior felony that was, and we don’t think we want to know). Eight pit pulls were seized and taken to Animal Services, and Marsonek was also charged with aggravated animal cruelty and sexual activity involving animals. The one good thing to come out of this story? Wingnuts who worried about the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can be reassured that dogfucking remains illegal. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Cornucopia Of Creeps & Crazies…
  you get a racist! and you get a racist!

Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist

George Zimmerman Fan Club President Frank Taaffe, HLN’s go-to source for commentary on the joys of killing black children armed self defense against thugs, sometimes is accused of racism. As open- and fair-minded lieburals, we are careful about throwing that sort of terminology around, because the TRUE danger to American society, the REAL racism, is…hang on a sec. This just in. Frank Taaffe called TV’s Oprah Winfrey that n-word. Repeatedly. OK, never mind, let’s strap into this shitbird. Read more on Zimmerman Bestie Shockingly Uses Racist Slurs On Oprah, Like WTF-Level Racist…
  here she comes miss america

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams For Queen

You know Jessica Williams, the young black woman on The Daily Show. You love Jessica Williams. The first time you saw Jessica Williams — maybe it was that video above! — you said, “who is this girl she is so fucking good” because you always forget not to infantilize grown women by calling them girls like that, and also you never punctuate while you’re talking. READ MORE Read more on The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams For Queen…
  wow so fundamentalist such culture war

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Red-Scared Homeschoolers

We hope some of you Wonkettarians are into Jazz Age cosplay, because we’re going to be spending a few weeks in the 1920s as played out in our rightwing Christian textbooks. As we saw last week,our textbooks are pretty accurate and unproblematic when they have a real war to talk about — plenty of dakka-dakka to keep the editors busy, maybe, so they didn’t bother dragging God onto the literal battlefields of WWI. Once the Great War ended, the cultural and economic changes that followed give the editors plenty of material to see as part of a spiritual battle for America — and of course a lot of our current kerfuffles really got rolling then (for instance, the very term “fundamentalist” was coined in 1920). And while we’ll get to flappers and flivvers and monkey trials in the next couple weeks, for today we’ll stick to our textbooks’ coverage of the surge of nativism that erupted into the Red Scare and the 1920s resurgence of the Ku Klux Klan. Needless to say, it’s only the wild-eyed radicals with weird foreign names that ended up getting booted out of the country. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks For Red-Scared Homeschoolers…
  Banks Win! Banks Win!

Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!

How’s that vein in your forehead? Poppin’ fresh? No? You’re happy?! Well that won’t do at all! Here, read this story about how Wall Street firms are furiously buying up cheap homes, renting them out, refusing to treat infestations of vermin, threatening legal action against renters for things that aren’t their fault, and (of course) bundling monthly rent payments to sell as can’t-miss securities. It’s fine, though, they’re just leveraging the disastrous glut of foreclosures and the ensuing drop in home prices — you know, the key elements of the global recession that they caused in the first place — to make a quick buck, just like you would do if you were an utterly remorseless sociopathic malignancy with near-total immunity from the legal, moral, and economic consequences of your actions, so quit being such a sore loser, loser. Read more on Wall Street Is Your New Landlord, Please Pay Your Rent Or The Economy Will Crash Again, Thanks!…
  fark you

Hey Reddit /R/Politics Refugees, Have You Considered Annexing Wonkville?

Do you know Reddit? It is this thing. It is a glorious place of Internet freedom where users (“Redditors”) post stories they have found from other places, and then other users (“Redditors”) vote up and down on whether it is “hot” or “not.” In that regard, it is much like our own Wonkville, where we send our readers to slave in the story mines and then bitch about how their headlines were better. A hot post on Reddit’s main politics “subreddit,” /r/politics, will flood the original site from which it was linked with masses of lovely, beautiful, $$$ traffic. This can be quite important, when you are trying to pay people and also eat food and also not be homeless, despite making your “living” on the internet. (Please send money.) But a thing has happened at /r/politics, and that is that some “moderators” went full Al Haig and had themselves a teeny-weeny little attack of I’M IN CHARGE HERE. They decreed that henceforth they would ban all stories from about a thousand million different websites completely (scroll down for the banned domains), for the crimes of being “sensational” (headlines that oversell their stories), “blogspam” (basically, any aggregator of news from around the web, which every blog is), or “bad journalism” (undefined). Among those sites? Just some total nonentities you’ve never heard of, like Mother Jones, the National Review, Media Matters, Right Wing Watch, Salon, Think Progress, and Huffington Post. Read more on Hey Reddit /R/Politics Refugees, Have You Considered Annexing Wonkville?…
  austerity for thee but not for me

David Vitter Throws Totally Non-Hypocritical Temper Tantrum About Lack Of Federal Money Coming To New Orleans

We here at Wonket love… no, we luurrrvvveee hypocrisy. It feeds us, sustains us, amuses us, and gives us a reason for getting up every morning… that and whiskey. And there is no better source of hypocrisy than Sen. David Vitter (R-LA), who has once again taken a break from putting his ‘family values’ wenis into not-his-wife hookers in order to throw a fiscally responsible temper tantrum about how not enough federal pork is making its way to Louisiana. Per The Hill: Sen. David Vitter (R-La.) on Monday said he would block confirmation of President Obama’s nominee for undersecretary of the Energy Department. Vitter said he would hold up Elizabeth Robinson’s nomination because of NASA’s “stalling” of a project in New Orleans that he said would bring 300 to 600 jobs to his home state. Read more on David Vitter Throws Totally Non-Hypocritical Temper Tantrum About Lack Of Federal Money Coming To New Orleans…
  do unto others

House GOP Brings More Paycheck Pain to Federal Employees, Ignores Safeword

Do you love this country? No, but do you really love it? Perhaps you are a federal employee who is willing to make less than you would in the private sector because you believe in your civic duty to make the government run better and be more efficient? Well, the House GOP has a message for you: Go Fuck Yourself. Federal employees have had their pay frozen for three years already, and many are being furloughed this summer. But that’s not enough pain for masochistic Freshman Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC). His bill, which will likely pass the House this week, would, “limit bonuses for rank-and-file federal employees to 5 percent of their base salaries,” according to GovExec. “These bonuses exemplify Washington’s spending problem,” Meadows said during the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee’s markup of the bill. Yes, Meadows, you hit the nail on the head. Our federal deficit is completely caused by the federal government mirroring the private sector by handing out bonuses to high-performing employees. DAMN YOU CAPITALISM! Let’s sexplore.  Read more on House GOP Brings More Paycheck Pain to Federal Employees, Ignores Safeword…
  we can remember it for you wholesale

Mitt Romney Has Deleted All Files Related To ‘47%’ Speech, Please Search Again

Sometimes, when we don’t already feel like we’re living in a Philip K. Dick novel, we try imagining what the world would be like if Mitt Romney had been elected last year. Happily, Mitt is always happy to indulge us with hints for that grimdark fan fiction, like for instance today’s David Corn article about Mitt’s stunning amnesia when it comes to the worst of his many self-inflicted campaign failures, his infamous “47% speech.” If nothing else, he’s at least consistent: He never believed he said anything wrong during the campaign, either, though he did admit his dancing horsecrap was “inelegantly stated” and also claimed that the tape had been “misleadingly edited” (it hadn’t). Even after losing the 2012 election, Romney appears unaware of what he said or why you people had a problem with it.  Read more on Mitt Romney Has Deleted All Files Related To ‘47%’ Speech, Please Search Again…
  banksters

Bernie Sanders Will Pogrom Capitalism By Not Letting Banks Regulate Themselves

Hey remember when you lost your job and all your assets, or maybe took on tens of thousands dollars in school loans so you could pay for an education that would help you get a part-time job in retail? Remember that? That was fun, right? As you claw your way out of the hole created for you by this crisis, console yourself with the fact that the architects thereof sit on the boards of regulatory institutions charged with deciding if banks, say, get taxpayer dollars. There, don’t you feel better now? Read more on Bernie Sanders Will Pogrom Capitalism By Not Letting Banks Regulate Themselves…
  guns don't kill people ... oh fuck it

An Armed Guard At Every Out Of Control Blaze

By now, you have all probably heard that four firefighters were shot (two of them fatally) while responding to a fire in upstate New York. There is only one solution for this (obviously) and that is to station armed guards at every raging fire, in addition to the armed guards we will have in the following locations: Read more on An Armed Guard At Every Out Of Control Blaze…
  two minutes in heaven

Romney Tape Is Missing Two Minutes That Will Probably Lose Obama The Election

Two days after everything changed because Mitt Romney made clear he really, truly does not care for 47% of America, conservative bloggers have finally found the key to saving Romney’s ass from the comments they also think are entirely, completely awesome: there are two minutes missing from the 49 minutes of otherwise unbroken, unedited video, which something something liberal media. David Corn of Mother Jones released the “complete” audio and video of the secretly recorded Mitt Romney speech at a private fundraiser. Yet the complete audio and video is not complete.  There is a gap in the recording immediately after Romney’s now famous discussion of the 47% of voters who don’t pay taxes.  The cut in the audio and video comes while Romney is in mid-sentence, so we actually do not have the full audio of what Romney said on the subject. We must explore…the Mitt Split. Read more on Romney Tape Is Missing Two Minutes That Will Probably Lose Obama The Election…
  Finally A One-Percenter Who Shares Wonkette's Values

Host for Romney’s ‘Half Of America Can Get Bent’ Speech Is Big Fan Of Sexxytime Pool Parties

So it turns out that Mother Jones reporter David Corn has now identified the location and date of that fundraiser where Willard Mittensbjørn Rømney proclaimed that he has no use for 47% of the American people because they are irresponsible layabouts who are so addicted to the government teat that they will of course support Obama. Turns out that the poor-bashing bash was hosted by happy zillionaire Marc Leder, a private equity manager (just like Mittens!), who held the fundraiser in Boca Raton on May 17, 2012. Oh, and Mr. Leder also likes to have nekkid pool parties. Also, too, he was apparently pretty lousy at creating jobs. But did we mention the nekkid pool parties? Read more on Host for Romney’s ‘Half Of America Can Get Bent’ Speech Is Big Fan Of Sexxytime Pool Parties…
  mitt's whitey tape

Video: Mitt Romney Really, Really (Really) Does Not Care For You People

It starts out fairly anodyne — Ol’ Miffed Romney talking to his base. (Not “the” base of uncouth teatards, his base of Lehmann Bros. execs or the like.) But very soon, he becomes … what is the word? Unhinged? Yes, unhinged. Because people think they are “entitled” to not starve in the streets of America. Really, listen to the snarl. It’s … it’s fucking gross, actually. Has a candidate for American president ever spoken about his subjects the voters with such repulsion? (He goes on to say he will NEVER be able to make the 47 percent of us who are too poor to pay income taxes into anything other than shit-slime, but it’s that first sneer that really digs into your brain like “Call Me Maybe” or something. Whether or not he ever bothered to pay his own, of course, is still anyone’s guess.) Seeeeriously offputting video, after the jump! Read more on Video: Mitt Romney Really, Really (Really) Does Not Care For You People…
  because 'florida'

Florida Governor Rick Scott Liberates Doctors From Burdens Of The First Amendment

We at Wonkette are not experts in Constitutional law or contemporary American jurisprudence, but it seems to us that the Amendments are supposed to be of equal importance and subjected to the same standards of inquiry. So we were surprised (but not really that surprised, actually, now that we think about it for a minute) to learn that the Second Amendment is more important than the First Amendment, but only for doctors, and only if they live in Florida. Read more on Florida Governor Rick Scott Liberates Doctors From Burdens Of The First Amendment…
  indiana deputy AG jeff cox wants to kill you

Indiana Deputy Attorney General Suggests Killing Wisconsin Protesters With ‘Live Ammunition’

Do you get the feeling America is in actual meltdown, for real this time, and that the outcome is as hazy as some night-time web video streaming on Al Jazeera from Libya or Bahrain or wherever? Pictured above is a Twitter post by Indiana Deputy Attorney General Jeff Cox, who responded to a Mother Jones post about the Wisconsin protests with the charming words, “Use Live Ammunition.” You know, murder government employees for having a labor protest. Murder them! Fucking traitors, right? Read more on Indiana Deputy Attorney General Suggests Killing Wisconsin Protesters With ‘Live Ammunition’…
  thursdays are for magazines

Mother Jones’ Food Issue Doesn’t Even Have Any Recipes

Mother Jones! So zeitgeisty now, what with the two ASME nods. Way 2 go! The most recent issue is all about food, which means it’s actually mostly about environmentalism. Let’s see here, Mother Jones takes a few things—farms, college cafeterias, Obama’s cabinet—and asks how these things can be “improved”, which in politically informed foodie-speak means roughly “more ecologically and economically sound” as opposed to “tastier.” Here are some brief sketches of a few of these recipes (!!) for improvement.  Read more on Mother Jones’ Food Issue Doesn’t Even Have Any Recipes…