Tag Archives: morons

  Nearer My Derp To Thee

Nice Knowing Y’all, Louie Gohmert Says God’s Gonna Smite Us Now

Works way better than tinfoil
Well, America, it’s been a nice run, but it’s all done now, you realize, because the Supreme Court did Gay 9/11 all over us today. And who knows that better than Texas Congress-ballbearing Louie Gohmert, who had dire warnings for the once-great United States of America. Get ready, America: It’s Smitin’ Time. Read more on Nice Knowing Y’all, Louie Gohmert Says God’s Gonna Smite Us Now…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: The GOP Has Vax-In-Mouth Disease

Chris Christie had no comment on this screenshot
Rachel Maddow brings us Day Two of Republicans trying to figure out whether they believe in vaccinations against deadly diseases. In London, Chris Christie apparently took seriously her Monday piece about the curse of American politicians saying dumb things when they went to that city, because he refused to talk to reporters all day Tuesday, and not just about vaccinations. About anything. Read more on Morning Maddow: The GOP Has Vax-In-Mouth Disease…
  Teach The Nontroversy

Colorado Nutjob: Why Don’t Textbooks Explain America Voluntarily Stopped Slaving?

Some of teh volunteers at Antietam
The Great AP History Fight in Jefferson County, Colorado, continues into another week, and there have been a few new developments. For one thing, on Thursday night the conservative school board passed a compromise version of a proposal to review all curricular materials, with particular emphasis on Advanced Placement US History (APUSH). The original proposal would have screened instructional materials to ensure they promoted “positive aspects” of God’s Favorite Nation, like patriotism, respect for authority, individual rights, and the free enterprise system, while not encouraging “civil disorder, social strife or disregard of the law.” The compromise that passed will “reorganize existing curriculum review groups in the district to involve more student, teacher and community voices,” according to the Denver Post. Read more on Colorado Nutjob: Why Don’t Textbooks Explain America Voluntarily Stopped Slaving?…
  'Red Asphalt' Never Covered This

Idiot Idaho Teen Rolls SUV When Idiot Friend Lights Armpit Hair On Fire

S-M-R-T
In what we fear could be the start of a trend, a Boise teenager who is definitely not Kid Zoom or any of his friends crashed a Ford Bronco Sunday after his 16-year-old front seat passenger reached over and set the driver’s armpit hair on fire with a lighter. This sounds like the sort of thing that could become popular as a dare among a certain subset of the high-testosterone/redneck/skoal-chewin’/coal rollin’ set. You know, morons. Happily, there were no serious injuries. Read more on Idiot Idaho Teen Rolls SUV When Idiot Friend Lights Armpit Hair On Fire…
  We Finally See O'Keefe's Sex Boat

James O’Keefe Proves Obama Lets Canadian ISIS Militants In Ninja Costumes Cross The Border With Ebola And Ricin

Isis Ebola Ninjas are coming for you!
OMG you guys, we are SO SCREWED! After proving that an asshole in an Osama bin Laden mask can cross the Rio Grande, brilliant rightwing documentarian James O’Keefe has once again proven that Barack Hussein Obama wants us all to be killed by terrorists! In his latest scam exposé, O’Keefe shows just how vulnerable we are to attack! In this shocking video, an actor with a British accent, a rented ninja costume (we assume — in the interest of journalistic responsibility, we must note that O’Keefe did not explain the provenance of the black outfit), and plastic bags with “ebola” and “ricin” written on them is able to ride across Lake Erie in a boat, enter Cleveland in broad daylight, and walk right into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame “on the eve of the 9/11 anniversary,” and nobody challenged him at all! Therefore, we are all at risk! PLEASE TO PANIC NOW, EVERYONE. Read more on James O’Keefe Proves Obama Lets Canadian ISIS Militants In Ninja Costumes Cross The Border With Ebola And Ricin…
  a casualty of causality

Virginia Congressional Candidate Pretty Sure God Made Your Baby Disabled Because You Had An Abortion, You Slut

Well here’s an update on a dude we first heard about way back in 2010: Virginia State Delegate Bob Marshall said back then that he believed that God punishes women who have abortions by sending them disabled children when they have later pregnancies. Here’s how it works, he said: “The number of children who are born subsequent to a first abortion who have handicaps has increased dramatically. Why? Because when you abort the firstborn of any, nature takes its vengeance on the subsequent children … It’s a special punishment, Christians would suggest.” And here’s the cool thing: Now that he is running for Congress, Bob Marshall is not apologizing, not trying to back away from his remarks, or put them in context, or anything — he’s standing by his 2010 comments. It’s nice to see a politician who’s willing to stand up for his beliefs, especially when those beliefs are patently crazy and really quite mean. Read more on Virginia Congressional Candidate Pretty Sure God Made Your Baby Disabled Because You Had An Abortion, You Slut…
  glockblockers

Gun-Loving Georgia House Passes Defense Of Gun Love Act

Hello, lover. Have you sometimes felt outcast for your love? Do others not understand you, do they think your love is somehow “wrong” or “immoral”? Has your state or city passed laws restricting your love, or banning its open expression? Yes? Well, come to Georgia, baby. We know how you feel, and we’re open and welcoming to your love and your loved ones. We, too, enjoy grasping a smooth, hard cylinder, sliding it into a well-oiled orifice, and anticipating the shock of discharge … oh, we better slow down. Gettin’ steamy in here. You know what we’re talking about. We’re talking about guns, yeah. Georgia won’t make you keep your love in the closet, not if the state Senate OKs a bill the House passed Tuesday. The bill, which passed by a mainly partisan, 119-56 lover-vs.-hater margin, would make Georgia’s already laid-back concealed weapons laws even chiller. Read more on Gun-Loving Georgia House Passes Defense Of Gun Love Act…
  and a patriot riding a hoverround shall lead them

After Awesome Rally, Teabaggers Winning Shutdown Showdown, Say Teabaggers

Let us kick off this long week of resisting the urge to cock-punch every conservative within a thousand-mile-radius with a quick summary of the absurd sights in our fair nation’s capital city on Sunday, where hundreds of dipwads gathered at the World War II memorial to protest it being closed due to a government shutdown that had been demanded, initiated and cheered on by these same dipwads and the febrile-brained poop gibbons they elected to represent them in Congress. Will you <headdesk> until your brain bears a striking resemblance to the lesion-festooned lump of Jell-O that resides within the skull of the average NFL veteran? Perhaps you should take a moment to fetch a nice soft pillow before you read on. Read more on After Awesome Rally, Teabaggers Winning Shutdown Showdown, Say Teabaggers…
  secret agent mansplaining

Your Wonkette PRISM Explainer, Part 2 Of Infinite: Which Morons Are Saying What Stupid Things About PRISM?

We decided we needed an entirely separate Explainer to discuss all the stupid morons saying dumb things about PRISM and/or the collection of All Metadata Everywhere, because so many “journalists” have been MORE THAN HAPPY to come forward, pat America on its pretty head and mansplain that this is no big deal, and also, isn’t it nice that we are somehow magically so much SAFER due to the technological marvels of a top secret program? Also, which is it? A technological marvel whose penetration into our privacy is necessary to Keep Us Safe, or alternatively, a piddly little exercise in security theater that is No Big Deal (unless you are a terrorist, in which case, watch out!)? We are still not sure! Here, let us run through all a selection of the Op-Ed columnists who CANNOT WAIT to tell us how wonderful it is that the government is invading our privacy, and then we will get to the elected officials who are shocked, SHOCKED to discover the existence of a program they supported and voted for or alternatively, can’t figure out why everyone is so upset. Read more on Your Wonkette PRISM Explainer, Part 2 Of Infinite: Which Morons Are Saying What Stupid Things About PRISM?…
  everyone is dumb

Sad Pundits: Why Won’t Insiders Tell Us Who Will Win The Election?

THIS ELECTION, YOU GUYS! It is … confusing? Like, some people say that Barack Obama will win re-election, while others say that his opponent, Mitt Romney, will prevail! WHO ARE WE TO TRUST? Normally, of course, we’d turn to the literally of hundreds of people who are employed full-time by various old- and new-media outlets to report on and offer opinions about politics, because they know things. But as a survey of these sages in the Politico reveals, they’re completely at sea as well! You must click the “MORE” clicky in order to read the single greatest quote in a Politico article of all time, which reveals the utter bankruptcy of the pundit class. Then you can spend the next six days doing something productive and rewarding with your life! Read more on Sad Pundits: Why Won’t Insiders Tell Us Who Will Win The Election?…
  ordinary citizens such as you

New AP Poll: Americans Are Dumb And Petty, Like Always (And Also Romney Is Winning)

OH CRAP ROMNEY’S AHEAD BY TWO POINTS IN THE LATEST AP POLL AND THE LADIES ALL LOVE HIM NOW TIME TO FREAK OUT??? No, don’t worry, libs, your math and numbers boyfriend Nate Silver still has Barry with a 70% chance of winning (and also offers soothing words about how the media specifically pays attention to outlier polls, which makes for a misleading picture). But! The AP poll does contain some delightful quotes from ordinary Americans and other little details that seem, well, kind of hilarious? Not on purpose? Join us for a children’s treasury, after the jump. Read more on New AP Poll: Americans Are Dumb And Petty, Like Always (And Also Romney Is Winning)…
  investigative political reporting

‘Fox & Friends’ Investigates the ‘Lesbian Cabal’ Running DHS

Pretty light day on Fox News’ illiterate dementia variety hour, Fox & Friends; the muppet crew, plus Geraldo, only entertained questions about one federal department being run by a “lesbian cabal.” Let’s up the game a bit for Monday, Fox & Friends? Read more on ‘Fox & Friends’ Investigates the ‘Lesbian Cabal’ Running DHS…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals

One would think that the words following “Michelle Obama threatened by…” would be something along the lines of “Slurpee Machine Technicians” or “Vengeful Hoveround Gang.” Actually, though, the threats made against the First Lady’s life in recent days came from – surprise! – a police officer and a run-of-the-mill moron. First, a D.C. police officer “who worked as a motorcycle escort for White House officials and other dignitaries” was just jokin’ around with his pals and figured the time was right to whip out a picture of a gun and proclaim that he would use it to shoot Michelle Obama. Okay sure! But do not worry, he has been moved to an “administrative position” now, for safety. And then there was the poor idiot who made a bomb joke at a bad time. In 2012 in New York City. Really, sir? Read more on Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals…
  war on engagements

Sandra Fluke Engagement Leads To Even More Hilarious Jokes

To a man?”Sandra Fluke Announces Engagement” — Monica Crowley (@MonicaCrowley) April 26, 2012 Did you hear that free sex-pill devourer Sandra Fluke is getting engaged? Whatever. But here’s Fox News/Washington Times mistake Monica Crowley making history’s funniest joke, ever. “To a man?” Ha ha ha ha! OH, YOU. (“To a man?”, she tweets.) Read more on Sandra Fluke Engagement Leads To Even More Hilarious Jokes…
  and she's got a new penis to ride!

Bristol Palin Mumbles Dumbly To Alaska ‘Rock Jocks’

America’s princess, Bristol Palin, did an exclusive phone-in with these two minor-market FM morning show announcers all about the mysteries of her life — and she called in from her Arizona stucco ghetto foreclosure about 50 miles outside of Phoenix, surrounded by garbage and cotton fields and bits of rock, and you can almost see her, in your mind, sitting on the floor of maybe the fourth bedroom, staring vacantly at the broken mini-blinds hanging lopsided over the dusty window, and she’s got a Taco Bell bag on the floor and she’s just chomping on various items (Taco Bun, Double Taco Bun Supreme, Lard Lick, etc.) between her mush-mouth squeak answers to these obsequious dolts on the classic rock station up in Wasilla. Just listen to these brown-nosers, it’s like Sarah drove over there on her quad or whatever before the segment and threatened to saw off their nuts if they didn’t display proper groveling diffidence to this 20-year-old known for getting pregnant once, many years ago, when she was a teen-ager and John McCain was running for president. Read more on Bristol Palin Mumbles Dumbly To Alaska ‘Rock Jocks’…
  idiots

Republican National Committee Candidates Unfamiliar With Books

Which pea-brained clown will become the new chairperson of the Republican National Committee? Whether it’s the dingbat woman dreaming of getting wasted at her kitchen table again or the lunkhead who just keeps barking “Reagan! Reagan!” when asked if he has ever read a book, all five of these mouth-breathing imbeciles are perfect representatives of America’s Political Elite, circa 2011. Read more on Republican National Committee Candidates Unfamiliar With Books…