Wonkette

Now that Hillary is “out,” we will devote our full attention towards getting Mitt Romney on the Republican ticket and saving humor forever! And it looks like progress is being made on that front, according to Time’s Mark Halperin, who knows these terrible things. MORE »

Ever since John McCain pissed all over Mitt Romney in a debate, and even before then, Mormons haven’t taken kindly to the foul-mouthed, unhandsome, twice-married atheist grumpus. So it’s no surprise that McCain might get a lukewarm reception at a couple of Utah fundraisers — even when they feature big draws like George Bush and Mitt Romney. Hilarious details about McCain’s Epic Utah Fail, after the jump. MORE »

COME BACK, MITT! Mitt Romney has returned from his every-seven-years Mormon Hibernation to announce that he will be proud to join John McCain’s losing ticket in November. Mitt said on teevee tonight that he’d be “honored” to be McCain’s veep candidate, but McCain hates Romney’s guts and has even called him a “pig.” Both are hated by conservatives, patriots and people who worship Real Jesus™. [NYT Caucus]

GOP gazillioniare Mitt Romney showed up at the funeral of the Mormon President, Gordon B. Hinckley, in Salt Lake City on Saturday, but his last-minute campaigning didn’t help. Today, the Church of Latter Day Saints announced a new president/prophet guy, and this president’s name isn’t Mitt Romney, either. Thomas S. Monson is the new LDS leader. Just as we’re totally confused by the whole “white smoke/white heat” pope election thing, we have no idea how this Mormon President process works, because we do not understand magic. [Salt Lake Tribune]

America’s favorite Mormon Frenchman and dog-torturing varmint-killing plutocrat shocked a University of South Carolina crowd this week by hoisting aloft a toddler and declaring it his sole and personal heir. Apparently the child has the same middle name as Willard “Mitt” Romney, which is why the tyke will be having comical wheelbarrows of cash delivered to his crib. “He’s getting all the money,” crowed Romney. Also, the child is his grandson. [YouTube]

If anything’s NSFW, it’s even thinking about Mitt Romney sexually. Your boss will know. Your boss willl fire you. Don’t portray Mitt Romney sexually, CNN! Who knows what lurks under those magical white garments of silk and iron and grease. [CNN]

Time for a good old-fashioned Iowa Live Blog, made of butter. Huckabee is the GOP winner, Romney’s paying a heavy price for believing in the Wrong Jesus and also being a creepy guy, Ron Paul has totally been set up, and we can’t remember who is or isn’t supposed to win the for the Dems. Elizabeth Kucinich, right? Our nation’s first hippie Englishwoman! A redhead really can be president, maybe. MORE »

The Reverend Mike “Not Fat No More” Huckabee is taking Iowa from the rich people, and CNN just projected the whole Iowa GOP thing is over and Huckster’s going to New Hampshire as the winner. Somehow, this ensures John McCain will win New Hampshire again, until South Carolina re-learns of his many black children.

On Meet the Press today, Mitt Romney described his reaction to the Mormon church’s 1978 decision to allow black people to fully participate: He cried like a little baby! A wittle pwecious wacist toddlew. MORE »

“A new Gallup Poll finds about one in six Americans, including similar proportions of Republicans and Democrats, indicating they would not support their party’s nominee for president if that person were a Mormon…. According to the Dec. 6-9 Gallup survey, Americans are about as likely today (80%) as they were in March (77%) to say they would vote for a Mormon if their party nominated someone of that faith for president. At that time, 19% said they would not vote for a Mormon presidential candidate.” Well, if a 20-minute speech at 10:30 on a random-ass Thursday morning can’t change peoples’ prejudices, then maybe an explanation of magic underpants can!! [Gallup]

While magic underpants was our first preference for Mitt Romney’s “Faith in America” speech topics, our secret second was the Mormon cricket, a species of “bug” out West-ish. The Mormon cricket has swarmed numerous small burgs and hamlets with its polygamous agenda over the years, and it too refuses to acknowledge that waterboarding is torture. After the jump, a brief history of the flip-flopping creature, as well as some disturbing footage of what happens When Mormon Crickets Attack!!!!

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