• May 26, 2012

mormons

Oh man, so, you know that cutesy little insight you may have Mitt Romney and the Secrets of Mormonism that you think could pass off as clever or “ironic”? Well, it’s not really interesting at all, nor is it clever, and you don’t know what irony is. So please, please, cut the crap, Brian Schweitzer [...]

Flaccid Mitt Romney was out in Howard, Wisconsin to tell more crappy jokes to old people today when who interrupts him but a supporter of Doctor Congressman Ron Paul, a man who ran for president in 2011. He kept hollerin at Romney about the Mormon religion’s attitudes regarding black people, and black people who spawn [...]

Well, that’s nice, you guys. Having already magically made Mormons out of Anne Frank, Elvis, Pope John Paul II, and Hitler (him they can have!), the Church of Latter Day Saints has now turned its attention to marrying people who might not even want to get married! Like, remember when Bristol and Levi were going [...]

Don’t be surprised to see a statement next week from six-term Utah Senator Orrin Hatch that he is leaving office “to spend more time with [his] undersea Holocaust-victim baptizing chamber.” DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE, as Orrin’s favorite old-timey band used to say!!! Hatch is likely to be effectively drummed out of office in the state’s [...]

As the excitement (?) of Super Tuesday grips the nation the way a priest grips a young boy’s scrotum, Rick Santorum’s college fund for his dozens of children is paying for an onslaught of angry religious-fanatic robo-calls against Mitt Romney, himself a robot. And this makes sense, at least the part about Rick Santorum pissing [...]

It was very exciting to learn that the young Mitt Romney maybe baptized the sad ghosts of Jewish victims of the Nazi Holocaust, to turn them into followers of Mitt’s folk religion. Who knew Mitt ever did anything but the kind of vicious 1% capitalism that ruins the lives of countless Americans? Well now, thanks [...]

There was another caucus, apparently! The reason nobody noticed is because it was in Nevada, which is actually home to lots of Republican-voting Mormons. (Take out the corporate prostitution resort of Las Vegas in the southern corner of the state, and Nevada is just a sparsely populated length of mountains and desert right next to [...]

Citing widespread evidence that Republicans don’t love him because he would basically govern like Barack Obama, an unloved moderate Mormon millionaire will drop out of the Republican presidential contest today. Despite many endorsements, lots of money, a handsome appearance and an attractive family of preppy white people, the candidate has never been embraced by GOP [...]

Dull little rich boy Mitt Romney can’t get Republicans to love him, because he loves the Wrong Jesus and also was the creator of Obamacare in Taxachusetts. The news media, meanwhile, will only write about where Herman Cain would’ve liked to stick his dong, and the money he paid to silence the ladies about his [...]

An audience of 3 million is enough to keep a terrible show on television for many years or encourage a horror writer to publish literally anything he types, including fever dreams about his own mustache, and it’s also how many people in America apparently believe that Mitt Romney is Muslim. That’s the shocking results of [...]

Voters are still vaguely suspicious about the whole “Mormon cult” thing and whether Mitt Romney can be both President and a Mormon. A new Quinnipiac University poll proves that only 45 percent of voters have a positive view of Mormonism, and 36 percent of voters declare themselves “uncomfortable” about electing a Mormon, because Mormons believe [...]

When will middle-aged GOP Christian white working-class people embrace the billionaire Mormon elitist Mitt Romney? When teen-aged girls realize Mitt is “just like them,” and not until! That’s why Mittens went on the Today Show to let any teens who already dropped out of high school know that he loves “silly stuff” like the sexy [...]

Did you hear about liberal hate site “Groupon” sponsoring the racist Donald Trump’s racism? Groupon, you’re fired! What’s next? How about those liberals at the Mormon university? Yeah, how about them? A guy who makes prints of Jesus and the GOP Presidents and the Troops has pulled his precious artworks from the Mormon Church-owned Brigham [...]

Here’s a hilarious Will Ferrell spoof of a Mitt Romney campaign announcement. No wait, it’s the actual announcement: Oh for fuck’s sake.

Former Utah governor and current Ambassador to China Jon Huntsman is going to run for the Republican nomination for president, just as he always has been, basically. He will wait until this spring, because like every potential GOP presidential candidate, he hates giving the political Internet pageviewz. Huntsman’s campaign staff will basically be John McCain [...]