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Posts Tagged ‘moonies’

UNWANTED CRAP

Get Your George W. Bush Commemorative Items!

Monday, January 26th, 2009

At least the Clinton Cigar involved girls ...
If you’ve wondered what the Washington Times might be doing for the next eight years, these selections from the oddball paper’s online store suggest the Moonie pamphlet will start offering all sorts of other stuff nobody wants, such as this President Bush Commemorative Cigar and W. Commemorative Book — a coffee-table sized shame-box apparently featuring washed-out pictures of Bush Junior grimacing and flinching as his henchmen actually ruined the world. Well hey, whatever it takes to keep our Liz Glover gainfully employed! [Washington Times' Bush Store]


TEARFUL GOODBYES

Thursday, January 15th, 2009

Go Ron Paul ... and Go Moonies!TRUE RUMORS: Last week our Liz Glover was running from the demon clutches of Dick Cheney, and this week she’s … leaving us! For the Washington Times. For realz. All the more reason you should RSVP now to the Wonkette 2009 Inauguration Ball at Liz Glover’s Capitol Hill yoga circus. We will have much more about this Stunning Personnel Change, including a Farewell Video from Liz, but for now we post this because those slimeballs at Fishbowl DC somehow heard the secret news. [Fishbowl DC]


JOHN MCCAIN

Rev. Sun Myung Moon Makes Dead Presidents Want To Crawl Out Of Their Graves!

Friday, March 28th, 2008


Here’s a fun little movie made by John Gorenfeld, who has a creepy new book out about the Rev. Moon and the Washington Times and all sorts of Bush Family/Cult hijinx. But do not let John McCain see this video, because he doesn’t yet know Teddy Roosevelt died, 89 years ago.


WHITE HOUSE

Helen Thomas Still Hates Bush, Loves (John) Kennedy

Thursday, February 21st, 2008

Our Florida operative Lauren Selsky found White House correspondent Helen Thomas hanging out at Florida Atlantic University, which is Selsky’s own school! What are the chances? Thomas, currently 87 years old, was known as the “Original Wonkette” when she started covering the JFK White House nearly a half-century ago. So how much does Helen hate George W. Bush? MORE »


CRAZIES

Reagan Diary: ‘Let’s Bust Rev. Moon Out of Prison For New Year’s!’

Friday, May 25th, 2007

We are about this close to actually buying and reading the Reagan Diaries book, because everything we’ve heard so far is 100% crazy. The latest:

“Senator Hatch is after me to grant clemency to the Rev. Moon,” Reagan wrote in a Dec. 24, 1984, entry. “I’ve explored this & find I just can’t. I have, however taken action to see if I can grant him a furlough over New Years. It seems that day is the holiest in that religion.”

Uhh … why was Orrin Hatch (famous Mormon) going to bat for Rev. Sun Myung Moon (infamous nut who thinks he’s God)? Because everybody is basically a Scientologist! MORE »


WASHINGTON TIMES

Bush 41, Rev. Moon Almost Tragically Burned To Death

Friday, May 18th, 2007

How much fun was last night’s Washington Times 25th anniversary rave? The sexy action got so hot that a fire alarm went off and BFFs George H.W. Bush 41 and Reincarnated Jesus H. Christ Reverend Sun Myung Moon were forced to briefly evacuate the party, along with the other 1,500 Moonies and WashTimes employees. MORE »


WASHINGTON TIMES

Happy Birthday To America’s Greatest Newspaper!

Thursday, April 19th, 2007

Listen up, haters: The Moonie Times is not a jingoistic right-wing propaganda sheet. In fact, the almost-25-year-old paper actually HATES AMERICA. By our calendar, the Moonies launched the fringe publication in 1982 — you know, the peak of the Ronald Reagan era in Washington? MORE »


SHUT UP

Moonie Times Runs Ad About Nappy-Headed Zionists

Thursday, April 12th, 2007

In yet another outrage of someone saying something — but in print this time! — the Washington Times is in a heap of trouble for running some ad from a crackpot. MORE »


WASHINGTON TIMES

Bush I, King of Peace to Reunite for One Last Show

Thursday, April 5th, 2007

Former President George H. W. Bush will deliver the keynote address at a ceremony honoring the Washington Times’ 25th birthday this May. Also appearing: Times founder the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, who, you might remember, is the Messiah. And the King of the Ocean, but it’s in his role as the Messiah that he goes around demanding churches throw out their crosses and start worshipping him instead. MORE »


GEORGE W. BUSH

Asteroid Will Kill Everybody … Except the Bushes, In Paraguay

Tuesday, February 20th, 2007

Snake Monster From Space Hell, Coming Soon! - WonketteWhile everybody was enjoying the nice three-day weekend, the Main Stream Media announced that we’re all going to be blown up or drowned by a terrible asteroid named Apophis — that’s also the Greek name for the demon monster god of Ancient Egypt who devours all that is good and hides in the eternal evil darkness and commands an army of demons who plague mankind. (If you’re confused, just remember that Cheney is an earth monster and Apophis is a space monster.)

But there’s a chance of survival if you’re in the right place … say, shielded from the massive tsunami by the wall of the Andes and perched atop the world’s largest fresh-water aquifer. You know, where the Bushes and Rev. Sun Myung Moon bought all that land in Paraguay! Read the latest chapter in the Weirdest Story Ever Told, after the jump.

MORE »


GEORGE W. BUSH

Bushes Escaping To South America Next Month

Thursday, February 8th, 2007

Adios, El Criminale y la vampira! - WonketteThe preparations are finished, the massive land holdings have been purchased, the huge military base is in hand and Jenna has made her rounds of high-level diplomatic negotiations. Finally, the Bushes can escape to South America before they’re convicted of War Crimes and executed on YouTube.

Read the dirty details, after the jump.

MORE »