If you’ve wondered what the Washington Times might be doing for the next eight years, these selections from the oddball paper’s online store suggest the Moonie pamphlet will start offering all sorts of other stuff nobody wants, such as this President Bush Commemorative Cigar and W. Commemorative Book — a coffee-table sized shame-box apparently featuring washed-out pictures of Bush Junior grimacing and flinching as his henchmen actually ruined the world. Well hey, whatever it takes to keep our Liz Glover gainfully employed! [Washington Times' Bush Store]

TRUE RUMORS: Last week our Liz Glover was running from the demon clutches of Dick Cheney, and this week she’s … leaving us! For the Washington Times. For realz. All the more reason you should RSVP now to the Wonkette 2009 Inauguration Ball at Liz Glover’s Capitol Hill yoga circus. We will have much more about this Stunning Personnel Change, including a Farewell Video from Liz, but for now we post this because those slimeballs at Fishbowl DC somehow heard the secret news. [Fishbowl DC]

Here’s a fun little movie made by John Gorenfeld, who has a creepy new book out about the Rev. Moon and the Washington Times and all sorts of Bush Family/Cult hijinx. But do not let John McCain see this video, because he doesn’t yet know Teddy Roosevelt died, 89 years ago.

Our Florida operative Lauren Selsky found White House correspondent Helen Thomas hanging out at Florida Atlantic University, which is Selsky’s own school! What are the chances? Thomas, currently 87 years old, was known as the “Original Wonkette” when she started covering the JFK White House nearly a half-century ago. So how much does Helen hate George W. Bush? MORE »

We are about this close to actually buying and reading the Reagan Diaries book, because everything we’ve heard so far is 100% crazy. The latest:

“Senator Hatch is after me to grant clemency to the Rev. Moon,” Reagan wrote in a Dec. 24, 1984, entry. “I’ve explored this & find I just can’t. I have, however taken action to see if I can grant him a furlough over New Years. It seems that day is the holiest in that religion.”

Uhh … why was Orrin Hatch (famous Mormon) going to bat for Rev. Sun Myung Moon (infamous nut who thinks he’s God)? Because everybody is basically a Scientologist! MORE »

How much fun was last night’s Washington Times 25th anniversary rave? The sexy action got so hot that a fire alarm went off and BFFs George H.W. Bush 41 and Reincarnated Jesus H. Christ Reverend Sun Myung Moon were forced to briefly evacuate the party, along with the other 1,500 Moonies and WashTimes employees. MORE »

Listen up, haters: The Moonie Times is not a jingoistic right-wing propaganda sheet. In fact, the almost-25-year-old paper actually HATES AMERICA. By our calendar, the Moonies launched the fringe publication in 1982 — you know, the peak of the Ronald Reagan era in Washington? MORE »

In yet another outrage of someone saying something — but in print this time! — the Washington Times is in a heap of trouble for running some ad from a crackpot. MORE »

Former President George H. W. Bush will deliver the keynote address at a ceremony honoring the Washington Times’ 25th birthday this May. Also appearing: Times founder the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, who, you might remember, is the Messiah. And the King of the Ocean, but it’s in his role as the Messiah that he goes around demanding churches throw out their crosses and start worshipping him instead. MORE »

While everybody was enjoying the nice three-day weekend, the Main Stream Media announced that we’re all going to be blown up or drowned by a terrible asteroid named Apophis — that’s also the Greek name for the demon monster god of Ancient Egypt who devours all that is good and hides in the eternal evil darkness and commands an army of demons who plague mankind. (If you’re confused, just remember that Cheney is an earth monster and Apophis is a space monster.)

But there’s a chance of survival if you’re in the right place … say, shielded from the massive tsunami by the wall of the Andes and perched atop the world’s largest fresh-water aquifer. You know, where the Bushes and Rev. Sun Myung Moon bought all that land in Paraguay! Read the latest chapter in the Weirdest Story Ever Told, after the jump.

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The preparations are finished, the massive land holdings have been purchased, the huge military base is in hand and Jenna has made her rounds of high-level diplomatic negotiations. Finally, the Bushes can escape to South America before they’re convicted of War Crimes and executed on YouTube.

Read the dirty details, after the jump.

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