Tag Archives: moonie times

  Passing the Baton

Ghost Andrew Breitbart Welcomes Moonie ‘Investigative Reporter’ For All Future Racism Debunkings

Lest anyone think that the continued twitchings of the Breitbart Empire represent some sort of chant du cygne, the crew at Big Government want you to know that there’s a danse macabre in the old dame yet! That is to say, just as Dick Cheney continues to feed on the souls of the living, Ghost Breitbart is still bringing in new blood. Just last week, they acquired Matthew Boyle for their important “black people are thugs” beat, and now, they’ve scored “investigative journalist” Kerry Picket from the Moonie Times. We’re pretty sure that we won’t accidentally call her “him” anymore! Read more on Ghost Andrew Breitbart Welcomes Moonie ‘Investigative Reporter’ For All Future Racism Debunkings…
  haw haw he's so dum

Obama Briefly Perplexed By Unfamiliar Phone, Tech Stocks Tumble

In what is surely the most scandalous case of presidential technology bafflement since that one time when George HW Bush asked some polite questions about a UPC scanner at a trade show, the leader of the Free World was “befuddled” when trying to dial a number on a phone handed to him by a campaign aide in Port St. Lucie, Florida. The Moonie Times’ Dave Boyer has the shocking details: Read more on Obama Briefly Perplexed By Unfamiliar Phone, Tech Stocks Tumble…
  sharing: the end of america

Moonie Times Columnist Has Many Nuanced, Reasonable Opinions About Bikesharing

DC’s Capital Bikeshare program, for which you pay a fee to join and then ride bikes to and from docking stations across the city, is a popular thing that keeps enlisting new members and expanding. Its success is leading other cities, such as New York, to start their own programs. Now, as an earth-destroying motorist, your Wonkette author basically hates bikers and runs them over at every opportunity. But it’s hard to deny the success of a successful program that most people like, right? And now we can really confirm the success of this program, because a Washington Times columnist has written a pathetic, desperate screed about how bikesharing is communist, and gay, and the downfall of the West, essentially. Read more on Moonie Times Columnist Has Many Nuanced, Reasonable Opinions About Bikesharing…
  governor moonbeam

Jerry Brown To Washington Times Reporter: ‘Are You a Moonie?’

California Governor Jerry Brown dealt with some hack Washington Times reporter in the exact way all elected officials should deal with Washington Times reporters: by repeatedly correcting him on basic facts, pointing and laughing in his (presumably fat and pasty) face, and then delivering a rough-and-ready Jerry Brown-style head-butt to the dingle. After much back-and-forth in which the Hero Wingnut Reporter mangled basic historic and economic facts and then declared that California was going bankrupt, we arrive at the crux of the matter, the moment in which Brown just totally fucks the poor simpleton’s head, in front of his sniggering fellows, haha. Read more on Jerry Brown To Washington Times Reporter: ‘Are You a Moonie?’…
  moonies on ice

IT’S NOT OBAMA’S FAULT THAT HE WAS BORN A SAVAGE AFRICAN LION, OKAY? The Washington Times could shut down any day, so its columnists have precious little time to liquidate their massive inventories of Insane Racism! In his column today, editor emeritus Wesley Pruden writes THIS about the current Lion King, Barack Obama: “It’s no fault of the president that he has no natural instinct or blood impulse for what the America of ‘the 57 states’ is about. He was sired by a Kenyan father, born to a mother attracted to men of the Third World and reared by grandparents in Hawaii, a paradise far from the American mainstream.” See, as long as you spare Obama the blame for being a black savage, then it fits the Moonie definition of “nuance.” [Washington Times] Read more on …
  moonies on ice

WashTimes, Just Call It A Day

It sure would be funny if the Washington Times went out of business, except for the poor local reporters and stuff, and Liz Glover, who would be sent to live with Barbara Bush and the Reverend Moon in Paraguay. (The food is shit, a “top-level Pentagon official” tells us.) We assume that the Times IS going out of business, even though that’s not even a rumor… until now? Tell everyone you know! Read more on WashTimes, Just Call It A Day…
  local broke newspapers

MOONIES ON ICE: The Washington Moonie Times newspaper of Washington is firing everyone. EVERYONE! That means the president & publisher, CFO, and chairman. What person in a company can fire a president, publisher, CFO, and chairman? Perhaps the great great Rev. Moon himself?! Editor John Solomon will probably peace the fuck out of there soon, too. [Michael Calderone] Read more on …
  weird old perverts

Moonie Times Reviews Rev. Moon’s Biography. They Love It!

Carol Herman, books editor for the Washington Times, recently commissioned herself to review the hottest new book since Going Rogue: the autobiography of great noble universal leader hero Rev. Sun Myung Moon, founder and owner of the Washington Times! Coincidentally it is the best book Carol Herman has read, basically ever. And you can read it, too! Let us share a key excerpt or two from Carol Herman’s glowing review, with its very nuanced “Korean Central News Agency”-ish tone. Read more on Moonie Times Reviews Rev. Moon’s Biography. They Love It!…
  never trust the internet

Moonie Times Cracks Down After Whole ‘Obama Daughters Murdered’ Thing

Ha ha remember this little flapperoo last week? The Washington Times’ secret Korean Jesus Picture Robot auto-selected a terrible wire photo for the newspaper’s story about young children dying, in Chicago. Call it a “WTF Moment,” in the parlance of our times. And perhaps because of this, and other flaps (constant lies, or at least a reputation for!), mean editor John Solomon will now be instituting PERMANENT RECORDS and DETENTION forever. Read more on Moonie Times Cracks Down After Whole ‘Obama Daughters Murdered’ Thing…
  something happen we don't know about?

Moonie Times Considers Wire Photo ‘Relevant Enough’ For Story

Ha ha ha, everyone gets a good laugh when newspaper design people make weird placement choices. Look at the Washington Times here: its website shows a photo of the Obama kids — probably the click-thru is a story about how cute they are! — right above a different article about Chicago children being murdered all the time. WACKY! It looks like the girls’ photo goes with the death story! Good thing that’s not the case at all! Read more on Moonie Times Considers Wire Photo ‘Relevant Enough’ For Story…
 

Introducing the Washington Times’ New Unoffensive Style Guide

New Washington Times editor John Solomon was brought in recently to legitimize the paper’s operations and bring back the cutting journalism of its Golden Days. This should be a very, very easy task. Solomon got off to a good start yesterday when the paper reported that the military-industrial complex is worried about Obama’s inexperience at declaring wars. We hope these brilliant investigate reports continue, for America’s safety. On a more symbolic level, however, Solomon has changed aspects of the Times‘ style guide to reflect modern society’s general dislike of racism, sexism and homophobia. How soft have these Moonies gone? Read more on Introducing the Washington Times’ New Unoffensive Style Guide…
 

Wash. Times Blames Obama’s Lack of Hawkishness on Inexperience

The cultish Washington Times today featured a front page tell-all about Barack Obama’s military inexperience, and how it has led him to have strange opinions. The Times quoted all sorts of neocon hawks in the military, who believe that Barack Obama’s youthful ignorance on national security has led to him to such wild conclusions as “the surge isn’t winning the war,” “we should withdraw from Iraq at some point” and “the Muslim religion will not bomb America if we act nice to it.” The reliable Washington Times, once again, gets to the heart of the election: How can we elect a man so inexperienced that he isn’t a neocon? Read more on Wash. Times Blames Obama’s Lack of Hawkishness on Inexperience…