Tag Archives: montana

  a real comer

Montana Legislator Dave Hagstrom Makes Run At Title With Homophobe/Die-Poors One-Two Punch

Ladies and gentlemen, do we have a new contender? Is Montana Rep. Dave Hagstrom here to take home the whole shebang with his one-two knockout punch? First Hagstrom wrote a fairly hilarious letter to all his tenants explaining that they were just going to have to die young for the good of the nation — before it was revealed that when it comes to federal moneys and his rentier lifestyle, a river runs through it. And then Montana Cowgirl gifted us with this video, above, where Hagstrom explains how gay penises should retract like ball point pens, because of how they are not “normative.” Aw man, next we are going to be hearing about Foucault and cis-privilege and hegemony and stuff, like we never escaped from grad school at all. Read more on Montana Legislator Dave Hagstrom Makes Run At Title With Homophobe/Die-Poors One-Two Punch…
  idiots are people too my friend

Montana: Your Paradise of Corporation-Voting and Roadkill-Eating Awaits

Ohey Montana. What have you been up to? State stuff? Red state stuff? Cool stuff like fapping over how you’d enforce the law by killing federal law enforcement officials? No? Something newer? Cooler? Something that pretty much destroys the concept of residency and voting as we know it? Something about giving corporations a vote in Montana elections because hey, what could go wrong? Bring it on home, Montana! Read more on Montana: Your Paradise of Corporation-Voting and Roadkill-Eating Awaits…
  freedom's just another word for nuthin' left to shoot

Montana Law Enforcement Will Protect You From Other Law Enforcement Because Freedom

When you’re layin’ in bed at night, getting ready to drift off to sleep, do you fantasize about how you would totally have stopped Waco and reasoned with David Koresh? Sure you do! Do you also fap to the idea that those dirty varmint federales shouldn’t come around because you’ve got a sheriff and that’s all a grown man needs? If so, then scenic Montana is for you! Read more on Montana Law Enforcement Will Protect You From Other Law Enforcement Because Freedom…
  this whole court is out of order!

Supreme Court Invites Our Corporate Masters To Come In And Stay A While

Good news everyone! Our benevolent corporate overlords are here to stay and it’s full steam ahead for the New American Plutocracy! USA! USA! USA! The Supreme Court on Monday turned away a plea to revisit its 2-year-old campaign finance decision in the Citizens United case and instead struck down a Montana law limiting corporate campaign spending. Rather than hearing the case to rethink Citizens United, as Justice Ginsburg had predicted, the court decided that our public discourse was enriched immeasurably from commentary from Foster Freiss and as a result, we will have to hear from people like him possibly forever. Since the court is not at all a partisan body, the decision was 5 -4: Read more on Supreme Court Invites Our Corporate Masters To Come In And Stay A While…
  poo-poo ca-ca

Meh, Montana GOP’s Barack Obama Outhouse Was Funnier 30 Years Ago, When Hustler Did It

Right, so every blog in blogland is very upset by the poor taste shown by person or persons unknown at the Montana Republican Convention, where was found a mysterious outhouse marked “Obama Presidential Library,” and it had bullet holes and a birth certificate and the vulgar swear “bullshit” and “for a good time call Pelosi.” Pardon us, but yawn. Call us when Obama is just cold fucking his (WHITE!!!) mother in that outhouse, in 1983. Read more on Meh, Montana GOP’s Barack Obama Outhouse Was Funnier 30 Years Ago, When Hustler Did It…
  dirty filthy money

Wonkette Bookmaker: Will Supreme Court Overturn ‘Citizens United’ With ‘Citizens United First Blood Part 2’?

HOT NEWS, HOT NEWS! The Supreme Court is hearing a Montana case with direct bearing on its infamous decision in Citizens United, which may have done more to scar the Court’s reputation than anything besides Bush v. Play-Acting Dilettante. Their biggest detractor? “Straight-Talk” John McCain, just cold threatening the Supreme Court’s lives and such, with such terrrrrible thuggery as the following: “What the Supreme Court did is a combination of arrogance, naivete and stupidity the likes of which I have never seen,” McCain said. “I promise you, there will be huge scandals because there’s too much money washing around, too much of it we don’t know who’s behind it and too much corruption associated with that kind of money.” Will someone fetch our smelling salts? We are fairly sure that kind of potty talk is not allowed around the great and inerrant Court. Read more on Wonkette Bookmaker: Will Supreme Court Overturn ‘Citizens United’ With ‘Citizens United First Blood Part 2’?…
  dr. livingstone is in

Wonkette Endorsements: This Swashbuckling GOP Lunatic Spy

Who’s the man who offered to help get Khadafi out of Libya for a cool $10 mill? Neil Livingstone! Who’s the cat on a yacht full of pussy-for-hire? Neil Livingstone! Who fled from Argentine Nazis, ate borscht with Russian mafia, and was “wrongly subpoenaed for gun running and involvement in the Iran-Contra affair”? Neil Livingstone. You can see why Your Wonkette has no choice but to endorse Neil Livingstone for … let’s see … yes, it says right here, Montana governor! Super shady “security expert” Dr. Neil Livingstone (yes, that’s right) is now trying to downplay how completely and irredeemably awesome he is, taking a buncha spy stuff off his website. But there’s no running away from the book he wrote for other Men of the World about how not to get rolled by hookers while you are off being a Man of the World. Read more on Wonkette Endorsements: This Swashbuckling GOP Lunatic Spy…
  Activist Judges

Montana’s Top Federal Judge Says Obama’s Mom Screwed Dogs

The top federal judge in Montana simply does not care for America’s federal president, Barack Obama. That’s why he had no choice but to send a racist email that suggests Barack Obama is black because his white mother was impregnated by a … dog. A black dog, we guess? “The only reason I can explain it to you is I am not a fan of our president,” Bush-nominated federal judge Richard Cebull said instead of apologizing. Read more on Montana’s Top Federal Judge Says Obama’s Mom Screwed Dogs…
  big sky small minds

Montana Still Wants To Prosecute People For Being Gay

“Fourteen years ago the Montana Supreme Court ruled that a state law criminalizing gay sex violates Montana’s constitution, yet the Montana Legislature has repeatedly failed to scrub the language, which places homosexuality in the same legal category as bestiality, from the books.” Too busy trying to legalize drunk driving? No, Montana’s legislators just hate gay people. According to Republican state Rep. Ken Peterson, the ruling against the gay-sex law has, thank God, left open a loophole for the prosecution of gays. What sort of thing could be illegal? “Here, young man, your hormones are raging. Let’s go in this bedroom, and we’ll engage in some homosexual acts. You’ll find you like it,” Peterson said (really). Some young man out there in Montana should go show up in Peterson’s bedroom so he can be arrested. Read more on Montana Still Wants To Prosecute People For Being Gay…
  killing people is okay when we do it

Montana Legislator Wearing Dumb Tie Decries Drunk Driving Laws

(To be fair, everyone in the Montana legislature is wearing a stupid tie. But c’mon, look at that thing.) Drunk driving is a way of life in Montana, and bars can only survive if they get their patrons drunk enough to go out and kill people? Yeah, sounds about right. [Youtube] Read more on Montana Legislator Wearing Dumb Tie Decries Drunk Driving Laws…
  violent art critics

Crowbar-Wielding Lady Attacks Jesus P0rn

Sometimes vigilante crowbar justice is the only way to stop Jesus Blowjob Art: A Montana woman has been charged with criminal mischief after allegedly taking a crowbar to a controversial art museum display in Colorado that critics say portrays Jesus Christ receiving oral sex from another man. Read more on Crowbar-Wielding Lady Attacks Jesus P0rn…
  every child is different

Teabag Lady First Person Ever To Use ‘Forced Down Our Throats’ Correctly

If you follow American politics and you have a soul, one of your least favorite phrases is some variation of “forced down our throats.” This is generally used to imply that some law or regulation has gone into effect as a result of an election in which the winning side received 52 to 56 percent of the vote, as typical in a democratic system (e.g., “This health care reform has been rammed down our throats”). It is occasionally hilarious when it involves gayness (e.g., “The tyrannical courts are shoving gay marriage down our throats”) because it makes it clear how much the speaker thinks about hot cocks and the deep-throating thereof. But it’s almost never used in a political context to describe the sorts of things that might actually enter a person’s throat (i.e., food) — until one brave teabagger candidate for the Montana legislature dared speak out against this communist “healthy eating” craze. Read more on Teabag Lady First Person Ever To Use ‘Forced Down Our Throats’ Correctly…
  stories for your grandkids

Montana State Sen. Charged In Congressman’s Boat Crash

In late August, juuuuuust as the Congressional recess was reaching a close, Montana Rep. Denny Rehberg — who has a history of getting trashed and flopping around on horses in Kazakhstan — went out on a boat with some buddies, and within minutes that boat was somehow vertical, among a pile of rocks. How drunk was the Boat Captain?, America asked. Well now we know: 0.16 — and that was several hours after the crash! It wasn’t Rehberg, though, operating the boat, just one of his buddies, some loser local politician who is now in big big trouble. Read more on Montana State Sen. Charged In Congressman’s Boat Crash…
  shootin' homewreckers

Sketchy Private Security Force Becoming Sketchier By The Minute

TPM has been all over that story about the terrifying private security company that secretly bought a fancy public jail from a Montana town, so as to convert it into a War Facility. The head of the company is such a dirty criminal that the best title anyone can give him is “California-based grifter.” And here, TPM has created a slideshow of screen shots from the American Police Force’s website, which doesn’t seem to work as well as it used to. The whole thing is hilarious. Lots of special-ops services, with guns! Try to remember the stupidest creep from your middle school class — he probably works here now. [TPM] Read more on Sketchy Private Security Force Becoming Sketchier By The Minute…
  sure why not

Fancy Montana Jail Taken Over By Evil Private Security Force

This is insane and weird: “A shadowy private security company that has no known clients but claims to have helped foreign governments combat terrorism and will protect anything from cruise ships to Pakistani convoys has taken over a jail in a small Montana town, with plans to build a law enforcement training facility on the property.” The company, American Police Force, is renting the fancy, new, and empty jail — a local politician recently offered to take Gitmo prisoners there, just to fill it up, bless his soul — and will invest many many millions to create a full War Facility. Just think of all the meth they can traffic! Ugh. [TPM] Read more on Fancy Montana Jail Taken Over By Evil Private Security Force…
  let's get scandal-y

Roughly Cylandrical Object Located Near Rehberg Boat Crash

While Rep. Denny Rehberg’s life, which is in stable condition, will be first on the docket during tonight’s Wonkette Prayer Hour, we must wonder — given his history of getting trashed in Kazakhstan and falling off horses — exactly how wasted he and his buddies may or may not have been when they crashed their boat into very huge rocks late last night. And lo, “Twitter person Bob B.” has sent us this photo of the wreckage, in which he thinks he has spotted the smoking gun: a keg of beer. It looks a little too skinny to be considered such in our estimation. Probably just a trash can. (They were throwing away the tree.) (While drunk?) [Twitter] Read more on Roughly Cylandrical Object Located Near Rehberg Boat Crash…
  what did you do during august recess?

Montana Congressman & Bros Crash Boat Into Massive Rocks (‘The Shore’)

There were injuries in this accident so we should not make jokes, but meh, they’re in stable condition now: Rep. Denny Rehberg of Montana and his fun-lovin’ buddies were cruisin’ on their 22-foot motorboat last night and either crashed or intentionally parked said boat on this sack o’boulders. Alcohol? Drugs? We’ll see. In any event: maybe it’s time to head back to Congress! [Daily Inter Lake] Read more on Montana Congressman & Bros Crash Boat Into Massive Rocks (‘The Shore’)…
  schweitzer for veep!

Brian Schweitzer’s Funny Joke From Last Night

Here is delightful Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer cracking wise about John McCain’s eleventy billion back yards, and how they cannot make America energy independent. This guy was adorable, with his bolo tie and his “I am a used car salesman, but a used car salesman from 1950, when it was still wholesome” demeanor. Wasn’t there some talk about him being on Obama’s veep list early on? Ah yes. [YouTube] Read more on Brian Schweitzer’s Funny Joke From Last Night…
  child star child star

Barack Obama Regrets Inflammatory Interview With His Children!

Yesterday Wonkette brought you the EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE SEEN NOWHERE ELSE of Barack Obama’s 10- and 7-year-old daughters, Misha and Selma or whatever, being interviewed by some pretty Access Hollywood gal. This was a first, as Obama usually likes to hide his children in underground caves to shield them from THE SPINELESS INTERNET. Naturally, everyone made fun of these two children and, by the end of the day, were blaming them for starting the Iraq War and also capitulating on FISA. Nary an Internet Addict found the children, say, adorable. And that is why Barack Obama told adult-child Diane Sawyer on today’s Good Morning America that he’ll never put his children on teevee again. Read more on Barack Obama Regrets Inflammatory Interview With His Children!…
 

Liveblogging Obama’s Big Night, Even Though Hillary Refuses To Let Him Enjoy It

It is finished. There are no more primaries, no more whining about Michigan and Florida. Even though she may not ever concede, Barack Obama says: “Tonight I can stand here and say, that I will be the Democratic nominee, for the United States of America.” That should be worth some interesting discussion and freakouts, no? Read more on Liveblogging Obama’s Big Night, Even Though Hillary Refuses To Let Him Enjoy It…
 

Liveblogging The Montana Massacre!

John McCain finished his angry old-man rant, Hillary finished her “I have made no decisions” speech, folks talked about some stuff in the middle, and now it’s time for Barack Obama, the Hopeful Boy Unicorn, to bring it home. Of course the Decemberists opened for him here in St. Paul, so we can assume the big crowd is for them. Still, let’s have a listen! Read more on Liveblogging The Montana Massacre!…
 

Barack Obama Is President Of … AMERICA

BREAKING NEWS LITTLE SIREN GIF: Barack has got the Power, and the Delegates …. Well, what have we learned, tonight, other than that your editor has a “drinking problem” due to having some drillings/fillings done on his own teeth an hour ago? We’ve learned that Maverick RINO McCain wants to hate fuck the war until it finally loves him, and he went to a New Orleans suburb to explain why it’s good when there’s no “big government” to help you with change you can believe in. Anyway, let’s liveblog the nonsense as we get some results from South Dakota, the “Bukkake State.” Read more on Barack Obama Is President Of … AMERICA…