Tag Archives: montana

  is that a rifle in your pocket or are you unhappy to see us?

I Got Kicked Out Of The Militia’s Motel Room

Montana Lincoln, Montana, is barely a town, although it does have several bar-casinos, at least three motels, and the Sleepy Hollow RV camp (trailer park) where we pulled up in the rain. The Unabomber lived a few miles outside town limits specifically because the ponderosa-covered Rockies are the ends of the earth. Now, the Oath Keepers militia is here to aid and abet a fella with a beef against the government. In general, it’s the same kind of disagreement that led to Cliven Bundy aiming his rifles at the G-men who’d come to collect the fees for his grazing his cattle on federal lands. In the particular, George Kornec and Phil Nappo have a mining claim on federal land; they’ve put up a garage and a fence, and the dastardly government is pushing its weight around and being a big bully and being really terrible and stuff by telling Kornec and Nappo to take them down. Read more on I Got Kicked Out Of The Militia’s Motel Room…
  Goin' To The Chapel And We're Gonna Get Married Married Married

Sincerely Held Belief In Publicity Inspires Reality TV Polygamists To Apply For Marriage License

This stuff is pretty good, actually. Made in Park City, Utah.
In a move calculated to make every fundagelical family-values type scream “We told you so!” a polygamous Montana guy has applied for a license to marry his second wife, so that she can be just as legally married to him as his other wife. We’re quite certain that we should take everything Nathan Collier says about his struggle for freedom, dignity, and equality at face value, because he is a genuine Reality TV star, or at least the focus of a guest appearance on Sister Wives earlier this year. So when he says he was “inspired” by the Supreme Court’s great big marriage equality decision last week, then by golly, we know that it’s about his sincerely held religious beliefs, and definitely not common famewhoring. Read more on Sincerely Held Belief In Publicity Inspires Reality TV Polygamists To Apply For Marriage License…
  There Are No Computers In The Bible Either

Very Sane Montana Republican Will Let You Retire At 600, Maybe

Also paid no boat license fee
In Montanastan, there’s this rich techie guy, Greg Gianforte, a Republican who’s giving some thought to running for governor in 2016, just like every other successful business guy who’s ever thought that running a state is exactly like running a tech company. He’s very big on evangelical Christianity, and thinks that people ought to live their faith — like maybe never retiring, because there’s no such thing as retirement in the Bible. Just how literally he wants people to take that is open to question. Read more on Very Sane Montana Republican Will Let You Retire At 600, Maybe…
  Here have some news n stuff

Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples

Sorry you just broke your monitor because this picture gave you such a boner.
Don’t you hate it when you’re watching the evening news with your mom and they say “BREAKING!” and it’s a story about how a Picasso sold for $179M at Christie’s auction, so you freak out because you just know they’re going to show art nipples on teevee, and now you have a boner in front of your mom? Well, Fox 5 in New York decided to blur them out so that won’t happen: Read more on Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples…
  Nice time! Kind of!

Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!

Ooh nice squad car, where'd ya get it???
Civil asset forfeiture laws around the country are fucking terrible. You know, those laws that say the cops can take your car, your money, and anything else you own, just because they THINK it might could have been used in a crime, even if you haven’t actually been convicted of that crime. Then they sell it and they get to keep all the sweet, sweet profits, to use for whatever the department wants or needs or happens to see on sale at the Big Lots. Yeah, THOSE laws. But, there is a light at the end of the asset-seizing tunnel, at least in Montana, because the nice Democratic governor up there, Steve Bullock, has signed a law, HB 463, that says you can’t be doing all that shit anymore: Read more on Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!…
  Go on and spite that face

Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It

Morans
While more than half of our American U.S. states are proficient enough at math to conclude that free dollars from the federal government to expand healthcare access to low-income citizens is a really good deal, some Republicans who are terrible at math and terrible at legislating and terrible in general still can’t quite add it up. Five years after passage of the Affordable Care Act, some red states are still debating, or outright refusing, free money because they just really REALLY hate President Obama: Read more on Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It…
  What will the medal say?

Montana Lawyers Honor Judge Who Said Slutty Teen Rape Victim Was Asking For It, Just Because

Bestest judge EVER!
You would think, after the Montana Supreme Court censured and suspended District Judge G. Todd Baugh for issuing one of the most despicable orders to a convicted rapist ever, that would be the last we’d hear about Judge Baugh. But nope, the Yellowstone Area Bar Association has decided he deserves a lifetime achievement award after 30 years on the bench — from which he had to resign in disgrace by retiring that year. In case you’ve succeeded in bleaching that horror show from your brain, let us remind you. Read more on Montana Lawyers Honor Judge Who Said Slutty Teen Rape Victim Was Asking For It, Just Because…
  Nice Time kinda sorta maybe?

Religious-Freedom-Curious States Maybe Rethinking That Now, Whoops

Helpful hints
  It’s not all bad news on the Religious Freedom front! Yes, Indiana is suffering under the weight of a dumb governor who signed a “religious freedom” bill explicitly designed so that the put-upon wingnuts of the state don’t ever have to look at gay people. And yes, many other states are currently considering similar laws. However, news comes today that there are three places where Republicans (!!!) are standing up and mouthing the words, “I do not want our state to be a national joke like Indiana.” It doesn’t necessarily mean the laws won’t pass — for every smart Republican there are exactly 7,000 stupid ones — but at least there is a glimmer of sanity on the horizon. Read more on Religious-Freedom-Curious States Maybe Rethinking That Now, Whoops…
  Still legal right?

Montana Invents Fun Science Experiments To Do On Ladies Who Want Legal Abortions

try not to be pregnant in Montana
Pretend you’re a state legislature, and you really REALLY want to make it so ladies don’t do abortions, even though that is a thing that is still legal in U.S. Jesus America. You have lots of options! You could try to ban all abortions after 20 weeks, which 10 states and Congress are trying to do. You could ban all abortions at some other gestational point, which 32 states are working on. You could try to scare ladies away from having an abortion by offering information that is not necessarily even accurate about fetal pain, as 12 states do. Or you could get really creative, like in Montana! Read more on Montana Invents Fun Science Experiments To Do On Ladies Who Want Legal Abortions…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  Check please

Hotel Finds Free Money, It Is Employees’ Tips!

this is not a tip
Are you planning to host a banquet soon, like a wedding or maybe a measles party? Haha, of course you’re not hosting a measles party, because no one is doing that, dummy. But suppose you’re having one of those gay weddings we keep reading about, with a cake, because you found a bakery whose religion wasn’t violated when they baked a cake and sold it to you, and you get the bill afterward, and, hello, what is that 20 percent fee at the bottom? A “service fee” has been tacked onto your bill! Read more on Hotel Finds Free Money, It Is Employees’ Tips!…
  how a bill doesn't become a law

How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)

Two mornings ago, our husband flagged for us a silly story about some dumb Montana derp farmer trying to outlaw “simulated” nudity. He flagged this story for one reason only: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE TRUCKNUTZ??? “Haha, poor TruckNutz,” said we, and threw it out to the hordes in the chatcave. Our executive editor, Kaili Joy Gray, wrote it up and that was that. “Dumb Montana derp farmer; simulated nudity; naked bicycle rides; the end.” Read more on How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)…
  proud to be a merkin

Montana Would Like To Not See Your Naked Bits, Please

Just having some naked fun is all
Where does it say you can’t ride your bike naked through the streets of Missoula, Montana, on a warm summer day, huh? Nowhere, that’s where! Which is why there was absolutely nothing wrong with the “Bare As You Dare” bike ride last August, in which about 100 people pedaled in various states of undress — or no dress! — to make some kind of point about how bike riding is fun and being naked is fun too! Also something about how bicycles are better for the environment than cars, which is probably an urban myth, and some other thing about how all bodies are beautiful, which is DEFINITELY an urban myth. It’s sort of a worldwide movement, and people have been enjoying getting their harmless point-making nudity on for years, in all kinds of places. Read more on Montana Would Like To Not See Your Naked Bits, Please…
  Patchouli Classified As Chemical Weapon

Montana Police Ask Homeland Security For Help Spying On Hippie Terrorists

It's a mobile command center
Police in Missoula, Montana, are requesting a quarter-million dollar grant from the Department of Homeland Security so they can buy a “mobile command unit” — an RV fitted out with communications equipment and computers and stuff — that will be used, among other missions, to keep an eye on this year’s annual Rainbow Family Gathering. That’s a national roaming hippie convention that’s been terrifying small towns for decades, because they like to smoke weed, get nekkid, and lay in a big ol’ pile. Missoula officials say they need the vehicle to help with emergency responses to natural disasters like avalanches, accidents like train derailments, and, just to jazz up their grant application and help move it to the top of the DHS pile, to deal with “extremist groups” such as the Hells Angels and the Rainbow Family. Read more on Montana Police Ask Homeland Security For Help Spying On Hippie Terrorists…
  O true apothecary thy drugs are freakin' everywhere

Water Crisis: Filthy, Liquid Death In Montana, Washington, Kiev, Everywhere!

This post brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Blogging Chair For Something Nice For Once From an oil spill of 50,000 gallons in the Yellowstone river to a federal ruling on an “imminent and substantial” health threat in East Washington from dairy manure, water contamination stories flooding the news are probably no big deal, and your drinking water is totally fine. Read more on Water Crisis: Filthy, Liquid Death In Montana, Washington, Kiev, Everywhere!…
  what comes around goes around

Murder Is Illegal (Even In Montana)

Kaarma Is A Bitch
A Missoula, Montana jury found Markus Kaarma guilty of deliberate homicide, just for killing German exchange student Diren Dede in a carefully laid trap. Even though he used a gun, like a good American Patriot™, AND the kid was ON HIS PROPERTY (CASTLE DOCTRINE! ARGLE BARGLE!). We understand if you missed this one, as it got buried beneath an onslaught of terrible gun murder news. Read more on Murder Is Illegal (Even In Montana)…