Tag Archives: montana

  Here have some news n stuff

Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples

Sorry you just broke your monitor because this picture gave you such a boner.
Don’t you hate it when you’re watching the evening news with your mom and they say “BREAKING!” and it’s a story about how a Picasso sold for $179M at Christie’s auction, so you freak out because you just know they’re going to show art nipples on teevee, and now you have a boner in front of your mom? Well, Fox 5 in New York decided to blur them out so that won’t happen: Read more on Fox News Affiliate Will Protect You From Picasso’s Fancy Sex Nipples…
  Nice time! Kind of!

Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!

Ooh nice squad car, where'd ya get it???
Civil asset forfeiture laws around the country are fucking terrible. You know, those laws that say the cops can take your car, your money, and anything else you own, just because they THINK it might could have been used in a crime, even if you haven’t actually been convicted of that crime. Then they sell it and they get to keep all the sweet, sweet profits, to use for whatever the department wants or needs or happens to see on sale at the Big Lots. Yeah, THOSE laws. But, there is a light at the end of the asset-seizing tunnel, at least in Montana, because the nice Democratic governor up there, Steve Bullock, has signed a law, HB 463, that says you can’t be doing all that shit anymore: Read more on Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!…
  Go on and spite that face

Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It

Morans
While more than half of our American U.S. states are proficient enough at math to conclude that free dollars from the federal government to expand healthcare access to low-income citizens is a really good deal, some Republicans who are terrible at math and terrible at legislating and terrible in general still can’t quite add it up. Five years after passage of the Affordable Care Act, some red states are still debating, or outright refusing, free money because they just really REALLY hate President Obama: Read more on Moocher Red States Still Don’t Want Free Healthcare Money With Obama’s Name On It…
  What will the medal say?

Montana Lawyers Honor Judge Who Said Slutty Teen Rape Victim Was Asking For It, Just Because

Bestest judge EVER!
You would think, after the Montana Supreme Court censured and suspended District Judge G. Todd Baugh for issuing one of the most despicable orders to a convicted rapist ever, that would be the last we’d hear about Judge Baugh. But nope, the Yellowstone Area Bar Association has decided he deserves a lifetime achievement award after 30 years on the bench — from which he had to resign in disgrace by retiring that year. In case you’ve succeeded in bleaching that horror show from your brain, let us remind you. Read more on Montana Lawyers Honor Judge Who Said Slutty Teen Rape Victim Was Asking For It, Just Because…
  Nice Time kinda sorta maybe?

Religious-Freedom-Curious States Maybe Rethinking That Now, Whoops

Helpful hints
  It’s not all bad news on the Religious Freedom front! Yes, Indiana is suffering under the weight of a dumb governor who signed a “religious freedom” bill explicitly designed so that the put-upon wingnuts of the state don’t ever have to look at gay people. And yes, many other states are currently considering similar laws. However, news comes today that there are three places where Republicans (!!!) are standing up and mouthing the words, “I do not want our state to be a national joke like Indiana.” It doesn’t necessarily mean the laws won’t pass — for every smart Republican there are exactly 7,000 stupid ones — but at least there is a glimmer of sanity on the horizon. Read more on Religious-Freedom-Curious States Maybe Rethinking That Now, Whoops…
  Still legal right?

Montana Invents Fun Science Experiments To Do On Ladies Who Want Legal Abortions

try not to be pregnant in Montana
Pretend you’re a state legislature, and you really REALLY want to make it so ladies don’t do abortions, even though that is a thing that is still legal in U.S. Jesus America. You have lots of options! You could try to ban all abortions after 20 weeks, which 10 states and Congress are trying to do. You could ban all abortions at some other gestational point, which 32 states are working on. You could try to scare ladies away from having an abortion by offering information that is not necessarily even accurate about fetal pain, as 12 states do. Or you could get really creative, like in Montana! Read more on Montana Invents Fun Science Experiments To Do On Ladies Who Want Legal Abortions…
 

Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!

Screw you, huddled masses
Wednesday was supposed to be the day President Obama officially rolled out the Kenyan welcome mat for all them illegals who’ve already snuck across our border to infect us with diseases and their strange foreign languages. But oh no, you can un-unfurl that Hispanic flag over the White House, Mr. Thinks He’s So President, because United States District Judge Andrew S. Hanen has put a stop to that nonsense, at least for now. Read more on Judge To Obama: Stop Letting In All Those Immigrants Who Are Already Here!…
  Check please

Hotel Finds Free Money, It Is Employees’ Tips!

this is not a tip
Are you planning to host a banquet soon, like a wedding or maybe a measles party? Haha, of course you’re not hosting a measles party, because no one is doing that, dummy. But suppose you’re having one of those gay weddings we keep reading about, with a cake, because you found a bakery whose religion wasn’t violated when they baked a cake and sold it to you, and you get the bill afterward, and, hello, what is that 20 percent fee at the bottom? A “service fee” has been tacked onto your bill! Read more on Hotel Finds Free Money, It Is Employees’ Tips!…
  how a bill doesn't become a law

How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)

Two mornings ago, our husband flagged for us a silly story about some dumb Montana derp farmer trying to outlaw “simulated” nudity. He flagged this story for one reason only: WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO THE TRUCKNUTZ??? “Haha, poor TruckNutz,” said we, and threw it out to the hordes in the chatcave. Our executive editor, Kaili Joy Gray, wrote it up and that was that. “Dumb Montana derp farmer; simulated nudity; naked bicycle rides; the end.” Read more on How All Your Favorite Liberal Blogs Muffed The Yoga Pants Bill (Which Does Not Exist)…
  proud to be a merkin

Montana Would Like To Not See Your Naked Bits, Please

Just having some naked fun is all
Where does it say you can’t ride your bike naked through the streets of Missoula, Montana, on a warm summer day, huh? Nowhere, that’s where! Which is why there was absolutely nothing wrong with the “Bare As You Dare” bike ride last August, in which about 100 people pedaled in various states of undress — or no dress! — to make some kind of point about how bike riding is fun and being naked is fun too! Also something about how bicycles are better for the environment than cars, which is probably an urban myth, and some other thing about how all bodies are beautiful, which is DEFINITELY an urban myth. It’s sort of a worldwide movement, and people have been enjoying getting their harmless point-making nudity on for years, in all kinds of places. Read more on Montana Would Like To Not See Your Naked Bits, Please…
  Patchouli Classified As Chemical Weapon

Montana Police Ask Homeland Security For Help Spying On Hippie Terrorists

It's a mobile command center
Police in Missoula, Montana, are requesting a quarter-million dollar grant from the Department of Homeland Security so they can buy a “mobile command unit” — an RV fitted out with communications equipment and computers and stuff — that will be used, among other missions, to keep an eye on this year’s annual Rainbow Family Gathering. That’s a national roaming hippie convention that’s been terrifying small towns for decades, because they like to smoke weed, get nekkid, and lay in a big ol’ pile. Missoula officials say they need the vehicle to help with emergency responses to natural disasters like avalanches, accidents like train derailments, and, just to jazz up their grant application and help move it to the top of the DHS pile, to deal with “extremist groups” such as the Hells Angels and the Rainbow Family. Read more on Montana Police Ask Homeland Security For Help Spying On Hippie Terrorists…
  O true apothecary thy drugs are freakin' everywhere

Water Crisis: Filthy, Liquid Death In Montana, Washington, Kiev, Everywhere!

This post brought to you by the Patty Dumpling Endowed Blogging Chair For Something Nice For Once From an oil spill of 50,000 gallons in the Yellowstone river to a federal ruling on an “imminent and substantial” health threat in East Washington from dairy manure, water contamination stories flooding the news are probably no big deal, and your drinking water is totally fine. Read more on Water Crisis: Filthy, Liquid Death In Montana, Washington, Kiev, Everywhere!…
  what comes around goes around

Murder Is Illegal (Even In Montana)

Kaarma Is A Bitch
A Missoula, Montana jury found Markus Kaarma guilty of deliberate homicide, just for killing German exchange student Diren Dede in a carefully laid trap. Even though he used a gun, like a good American Patriot™, AND the kid was ON HIS PROPERTY (CASTLE DOCTRINE! ARGLE BARGLE!). We understand if you missed this one, as it got buried beneath an onslaught of terrible gun murder news. Read more on Murder Is Illegal (Even In Montana)…
  sundays with the atheists

It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Wedding

Mandatory musical accompaniment to this post, for when you decide to have a perfect day, getting MARRIED TO HEROIN. How do you throw a perfect wedding in just six weeks to celebrate your love and eternal commitment and success at babby-forming (which you magically embedded on your very first date)? We, your mommyblog recipe hub, are here to help. Read more on It’s A Nice Day For A Wonkette Wedding…
  ku klutz klan

KKK Guy Still Likes KKK, Except For All That White Supremacist Stuff

Well, this is weird. Seems there is a Klansman up in Montana — coincidentally the new stomping ground of the Editrix, her boy toy and their love fetus — who wants to rebrand the KKK as a nice fraternal organization without all that white supremacism. Because if any one thing has truly kept the KKK from being a leading civic organization, it’s all that opposition to white folks mixing with the mongrel hordes. Read more on KKK Guy Still Likes KKK, Except For All That White Supremacist Stuff…
  Here have some news n stuff

One Guy In New York Has Ebola So You Can Totally Panic Now

Thanks Obama
That screaming hysteria you hear is the sound of everyone in New York being EXTREMELY TERRIFIED!!! or at least making jokes about being EXTREMELY TERRIFIED!!! because Ebola is real now. (You know the rule: It’s real when it happens in New York. The rest is prologue.) Read more on One Guy In New York Has Ebola So You Can Totally Panic Now…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing

Ebony And Irony
Oh, golly, it’s time for another Derp Roundup, a chance for us to bring you some of the stories that were just too damned stupid to ignore altogether, but which didn’t quite merit a post of their own. You may want a good stiff serving of the reality-amending chemical compounds of your choice before you expose yourself to this stuff. Read more on Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border

But how did she end up with Twilight Sparkle's panties on her head?
Welcome to another Derp Roundup, the feature where we collect all the stupidest stories that we couldn’t find a spot for and dump them in a junk drawer for you to sort through. You may want to wash your brain afterward! Read more on Derp Roundup: KKK And James Woods Gonna Clean Up The Border…
  wild and crazy guy

Brian Schweitzer Is Living Proof That Being A Democrat Is Not A Shield Against Being Dumb

We hadn’t really thought much about Brian Schweitzer, the Democratic ex-governor of Montana, since 2012, when he was saying dumb things about Mitt Romney and Mormons. But now Schweitzer is somehow being talked about as a legitimate possibility for a 2016 Democratic ticket run, so now everyone has to ooh and ahh over how edgy and unfettered he is. The National Journal stuck some poor lady with having to spend quality time with Schweitzer up in Big Sky Country (guns! chainsaws! snowmobiles!) so that he could just be an unending gaffe machine. But not a cool funny gaffe machine like Joe Biden. More like your relative from hell that think’s he’s hilarious, especially after a few drinks, but is just plain stupid. Read more on Brian Schweitzer Is Living Proof That Being A Democrat Is Not A Shield Against Being Dumb…
  i'd like to buy a law

Montana Cable Company Getting Some Idiots To Pay Its Taxes For It, For Freedom

We progressive types have been complaining since the Reagan years about corporate lobbyists writing laws; now a Montana telecom company is leaving that old-fashioned strategy behind and going directly to The People to buy some big taxpayer handouts. Our pals at Cowgirl Blog bring us the story of Charter Communications, which despite being delinquent in paying its 2013 state taxes, is behind an effort to buy a ballot measure that will reduce its taxes and increase its profits. And it’s brought in paid petition-gatherers to tell people that the initiative will “lower your cable bill.” You have to admit it’s a lot more efficient than trying to convince a legislator to sponsor a bill in the legislature, which could just get amended into something the company doesn’t like. Read more on Montana Cable Company Getting Some Idiots To Pay Its Taxes For It, For Freedom…
  judge not

Congrats, ‘Sentencing A Rapist To Volunteer At A Rape Crisis Center,’ You Are The Dumbest Idea Yet

We could probably write a “terribly inadequate rape sentences” post every day with our eyes closed and one hand tied behind our backs. Today, we’ve got Sir Young, who at age 18 raped a 14-year-old girl, a crime for which he could have received a 20 year sentence but because everything in this country is broken, he got 45 days. That would be a bog-standard level of dumb, except for the fact that he also got sentenced to 250 hours of community service AT A RAPE CRISIS CENTER. Read more on Congrats, ‘Sentencing A Rapist To Volunteer At A Rape Crisis Center,’ You Are The Dumbest Idea Yet…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

These People Trapping And Shooting These Teenagers Are Not Very Nice, No, Not At All

The law is a grand thing, a collection of not merely statutes, but also precedents from previous cases, and when a legal innovation comes along, sometimes there have to be a few test cases to determine the boundaries of that new law. Do Nazis have the right to march in Skokie? (yes) Can ‘intelligent design’ be taught as science? (no) Just how black dangerous-seeming does someone have to be before it’s legal to shoot them on your property, and if you really really want to shoot a criminal, any criminal, can you lay out a trap to entice one onto your property? (undetermined) Thankfully, with a lot of states broadening the scope of what counts as “self defense,” several brave Responsible Gun Owners have taken to killing folks for the sake of finding out what kinds of homicide are justified. No applause necessary; these everyday Second Amendment Heroes just see it as their civic duty. Read more on These People Trapping And Shooting These Teenagers Are Not Very Nice, No, Not At All…