monsters
Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!
We were skimming the FoxNews.com website looking for some of those “free Medicare scooter” ads, but got distracted by the important news of terrible writer/awful person Ayn Rand’s 107th birthday. She doesn’t look a day over 106 … objectively. Objectively-ist. Anyway, we hope she’s enjoying being tortured for Eternity in Hell, for not believing in [...]
World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death
We don’t believe in an interventionist god, so today’s cheery eyewitness report of Dick Cheney being “enfeebled” at a death-war military contractor’s holiday cocktail ritual does not make us believe we’re all going to have a very merry Christmas. We must remember that Dick Cheney has been legally dead about a hundred times, and he [...]
Charity Offering Veterans Chance To Strangle Donald Rumsfeld
We usually click “delete all” on the marketing press releases that flood the Wonkette Tips Line each day, but this Veterans Day Charity Auction thing to help veterans mauled and disfigured by Donald Rumsfeld’s murderous oil-company wars sounded kind of special: “Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is auctioning the opportunity for a winning bidder [...]
Levi’s Sister Says Bristol Palin Was Part of Teen Sex Tent Party, With Levi
Are we still talking about the sex lives of former teenagers in Alaska during the Sexy Summer of ’08? Well then, Levi Johnston’s sister, Mercede Johnston, has a hot new blog review of Bristol’s teen vampire fiction, Not Afraid of Publicity. According to Levi’s sister, who knows all about what Bristol did that summer because [...]
Another Koch Brother Who Gets Richer Exploiting America’s Public Lands Buys Trinket For $2.3 Million
The Koch Brothers fund all these libertarian propaganda outlets to ensure they tear even more of the nation’s wealth away from its lands and people, and like all evil dynasties their domestic lives are full of treachery and awfulness. That’s why the Koch Brother known as Bill Koch is permanently at war with his siblings, [...]
BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’
Let’s begin with the “funny” news: Transocean awarded its top executives with six figure bonuses, because under their shining leadership the company experienced its “best year in safety performance.” Yes, “safety bonuses” for the executives in charge of the oil rig that exploded and then spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the ocean, killing [...]
Clarence Thomas Gladly Reads Amoral Decision Against Innocent Black Guy Who Spent 14 Years On Death Row
Fringe-right corporate lackey Clarence Thomas has famously kept his mouth shut during most of his 20 years on the Supreme Court, because how could anyone improve upon Antonin Scalia’s insane bullshit? But on Tuesday, Clarence Thomas cheerfully took the opportunity to read the conservative majority’s decision against an innocent black man in New Orleans who [...]
Glenn Beck Glad Some Family’s House Burnt Down, Restores Honor and Hope
If you haven’t heard the worst news of the week yet: Some Tennessee firemen sat around and watched as a family’s house burned to a crisp, because somebody forgot to pay their $75 Fireman Subscription! Glenn Beck knows that the real victim here is the fire department, which had to waste countless hours driving all [...]
Racist Monster Carl Paladino Almost Punches New York Reporter in the Face
Carl Paladino is not getting along with the newspapermen and women who comprise America’s distinguished Press Corps. Why is this? Did these humorless reporters not enjoy the pictures of Barack Obama eating fried chicken-flavored watermelon, the ones Paladino forwarded to them, Subject: “LOL! I’m RACIST”? Apparently not, and to make matters worse, Paladino almost beat [...]
At Bristol’s TV Dancing Taping, Sarah Palin Is Security’s ‘Higher Priority’
World’s worst mom Sarah Palin is bringing her Hollywood Values to Hollywood tonight for a taping of Bristol Palin’s new teen-pregnancy documentary, Dancing With the Stars. And security will be heavy, because come on, Sarah Palin is a celebrity. And if anything happens, god forbid, security at CBS Television City have reportedly been told that [...]
Tea Party Guy Needs to Calm Down
LIBTARD MEDIA PEOPLE WHAZZZZUP!!!! This very enthusiastic salmon-colored shirt man is “John Villarreal,” a GOP activist/consultant/ready-to-explode kinda type and talk show host for Modesto, California’s KFIV AM. He talks like he is maybe/partly responsible somehow (?) for the sensational primary wins of Sharron Angle, Christine O’Donnell, and other Tea Party luminary-victors. Is he?
Why Is Allah Killing Us With His Wild Beasts?
When a captive killer whale went nuts and killed its trainer at the Sea World a few months back, theologians from the American Family Association noted that this tragedy occurred because the aquatic-attractions horror park failed to murder the Orca after it killed its first victim, as the Old Testament instructed. Maybe? Or maybe don’t [...]
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