Tag Archives: monsters

  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Meet Michael Brown, Super-Predator (Video)

'Demographically inevitable'
Back in 1995, John DiIulio, a conservative political scientist, published an incredibly influential article about the coming wave of “Super Predators,” remorseless young crime machines bred of poverty, incarceration with adults, gang culture, and dysfunctional (blackblackblack) families “where unconditional love is nowhere but unmerciful abuse is common” (DiIulio devoted a whole paragraph to how superpredators would also come from poor white families, too, so there’s your equality right there). It was just inevitable, based on all the demographic trends, that America would soon be plagued by Read more on Morning Maddow: Meet Michael Brown, Super-Predator (Video)…
  double agents

Secret Liberal Rush Limbaugh Cleverly Kills Republican Party

Hilarious radio satirist Rush Limbaugh pulled his biggest prank on far-right AM radio listeners and the entire Republican Party last week, when he took the GOP fringe-right religious-fanatic attack on birth control and turned it into a full Republican attack on all women. Now, as advertisers abandon the radio program and the GOP presidential candidates are jabbering tongue-tied nonsense when asked for the official Republican position on all women being sluts and prostitutes for using basic birth control, the comedic genius Rush Limbaugh is having his biggest laugh yet. We can only imagine the high-fives that Rush and Obama are giving each other today, on the golf course. Read more on Secret Liberal Rush Limbaugh Cleverly Kills Republican Party…
  the evil dead

Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!

We were skimming the FoxNews.com website looking for some of those “free Medicare scooter” ads, but got distracted by the important news of terrible writer/awful person Ayn Rand’s 107th birthday. She doesn’t look a day over 106 … objectively. Objectively-ist. Anyway, we hope she’s enjoying being tortured for Eternity in Hell, for not believing in Jesus and denying His one command for all humanity: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must Love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Anyway, how are Ayn Rand’s terrible followers celebrating the day a kind woman selflessly gave birth to a child and then cared for it, instead of feeding Baby Ayn to the cat? Read more on Happy 107th Birthday, Zombie Ayn Rand!…
  pray to jesus & santa!

World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death

We don’t believe in an interventionist god, so today’s cheery eyewitness report of Dick Cheney being “enfeebled” at a death-war military contractor’s holiday cocktail ritual does not make us believe we’re all going to have a very merry Christmas. We must remember that Dick Cheney has been legally dead about a hundred times, and he is also not human. So why spoil the season by chanting wishes and invocations over each Chanukah candle or Christmas pie? So, take this New York Post report for what it’s worth: Dick Cheney made a grim-reaper appearance at (naturally) “a party to welcome Northrop Grumman CEO Wes Bush to DC at former George W. Bush adviser Bobbie Kilberg’s home in McLean, Va.” And it even startled the merchants of death who make up the Bush/Cheney Military-Industrial Murder Complex, because Cheney’s face was covered in an oxygen mask and he was too weak to stand. Read more on World Eagerly Awaits Christmas Miracle of Dick Cheney’s Death…
  a very happy veterans day

Charity Offering Veterans Chance To Strangle Donald Rumsfeld

We usually click “delete all” on the marketing press releases that flood the Wonkette Tips Line each day, but this Veterans Day Charity Auction thing to help veterans mauled and disfigured by Donald Rumsfeld’s murderous oil-company wars sounded kind of special: “Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is auctioning the opportunity for a winning bidder and two guests to join him for a private lunch at his office in Washington, D.C. Secretary Rumsfeld will personally give the winner and guests a tour of his office after lunch, which contains memorabilia, historic photos and more.” So we just come up with the winning bid and then, say, let a bunch of Iraq/Afghanistan homeless veterans into Rumsfeld’s office to show their love? This is for a Good Cause! Read more on Charity Offering Veterans Chance To Strangle Donald Rumsfeld…
  america's crucial issues

Levi’s Sister Says Bristol Palin Was Part of Teen Sex Tent Party, With Levi

Are we still talking about the sex lives of former teenagers in Alaska during the Sexy Summer of ’08? Well then, Levi Johnston’s sister, Mercede Johnston, has a hot new blog review of Bristol’s teen vampire fiction, Not Afraid of Publicity. According to Levi’s sister, who knows all about what Bristol did that summer because duh, Levi, there are reasons to question Bristol’s heartbreaking account of being accidentally knocked up in a tent due to Levi being a sketch artist who knew the secret magical powers of Wine Coolers. This is important to American Politics, so let’s see where Mercede is going with it! Read more on Levi’s Sister Says Bristol Palin Was Part of Teen Sex Tent Party, With Levi…
 

Another Koch Brother Who Gets Richer Exploiting America’s Public Lands Buys Trinket For $2.3 Million

The Koch Brothers fund all these libertarian propaganda outlets to ensure they tear even more of the nation’s wealth away from its lands and people, and like all evil dynasties their domestic lives are full of treachery and awfulness. That’s why the Koch Brother known as Bill Koch is permanently at war with his siblings, David and Charles Koch. They’ve all been battling over the family fortune for longer than most people have been alive. They are monsters. Read more on Another Koch Brother Who Gets Richer Exploiting America’s Public Lands Buys Trinket For $2.3 Million…
  more mavericks!

‘Maverick’ Gary Johnson Running In 2012, Will Kill Social Security & Medicare

Sexy Republican rebel and multi-millionaire Gary Johnson used to be governor of New Mexico and love marijuana and climbed past all those frozen dead bodies to reach Mt. Everest like many rich thrill-seekers have paid to do, and that’s why he’s running for president with a very maverick-y platform of raising the retirement age for working people so that they work until death, which many have to do anyway, so who cares, right? Also, assuming he wins the presidency, which is what we’re assuming here, he will destroy Medicare and Medicaid and veto everything except for all Republican legislation about the uterus and what government authority is in charge of the national collective uterus. Read more on ‘Maverick’ Gary Johnson Running In 2012, Will Kill Social Security & Medicare…
  it's morning in america

BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’

Let’s begin with the “funny” news: Transocean awarded its top executives with six figure bonuses, because under their shining leadership the company experienced its “best year in safety performance.” Yes, “safety bonuses” for the executives in charge of the oil rig that exploded and then spilled 200 million gallons of oil into the ocean, killing eleven people, all the baby dolphins and everything else that lives in/near the Gulf. Ha-ha, it’s good to be an executive, and receive bonus-bribes and hookers so that you will never be tempted to cooperate with the authorities — which is very unlikely to begin with, since you have no soul. Anyway! BP has tentative plans to resume drilling in the Gulf, the end. [MSNBC] Read more on BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’… Read more on BP Resumes Drilling In the Gulf, Oil Rig Executives Receive ‘Safety Bonuses’…
  supreme court pranks

Clarence Thomas Gladly Reads Amoral Decision Against Innocent Black Guy Who Spent 14 Years On Death Row

Fringe-right corporate lackey Clarence Thomas has famously kept his mouth shut during most of his 20 years on the Supreme Court, because how could anyone improve upon Antonin Scalia’s insane bullshit? But on Tuesday, Clarence Thomas cheerfully took the opportunity to read the conservative majority’s decision against an innocent black man in New Orleans who had been framed by the district attorney and was very nearly executed. The man, John Thompson, won a $14 million judgment against the crooked New Orleans prosecutors — a million dollars for every year he was wrongfully imprisoned, often in solitary confinement. And now that judgment has been overturned by our sorry excuse for a high court. Clarence Thomas really got a kick out of reading this to the Supreme Court. Read more on Clarence Thomas Gladly Reads Amoral Decision Against Innocent Black Guy Who Spent 14 Years On Death Row…
  people who are dead inside

Glenn Beck Glad Some Family’s House Burnt Down, Restores Honor and Hope

If you haven’t heard the worst news of the week yet: Some Tennessee firemen sat around and watched as a family’s house burned to a crisp, because somebody forgot to pay their $75 Fireman Subscription! Glenn Beck knows that the real victim here is the fire department, which had to waste countless hours driving all the way out to this home just to watch it burn to the ground. And also obviously Glenn Beck has zero compassion for people who don’t pay their $75. This is in keeping with the noble Mormon tradition of Paying Your Dues. Joseph Smith, Jr. — the guy who found the Goldline coins inscribed with underage polygamy erotica in his backyard/invented Mormonism — would often go door-to-door, asking his neighbors to pay their “$75 Mormon Subscriptions.” Read more on Glenn Beck Glad Some Family’s House Burnt Down, Restores Honor and Hope…
  carl looks sexy when he's angry

Racist Monster Carl Paladino Almost Punches New York Reporter in the Face

Carl Paladino is not getting along with the newspapermen and women who comprise America’s distinguished Press Corps. Why is this? Did these humorless reporters not enjoy the pictures of Barack Obama eating fried chicken-flavored watermelon, the ones Paladino forwarded to them, Subject: “LOL! I’m RACIST”? Apparently not, and to make matters worse, Paladino almost beat up a reporter just the other day, because he is tired of all these leeches following him around and asking him questions (he’ll answer your questions after he’s governor). And like all important World Events, this scuffle has been preserved for posterity on a crappy cellphone video camera. Read more on Racist Monster Carl Paladino Almost Punches New York Reporter in the Face…
  mama grizzly eats her young

At Bristol’s TV Dancing Taping, Sarah Palin Is Security’s ‘Higher Priority’

World’s worst mom Sarah Palin is bringing her Hollywood Values to Hollywood tonight for a taping of Bristol Palin’s new teen-pregnancy documentary, Dancing With the Stars. And security will be heavy, because come on, Sarah Palin is a celebrity. And if anything happens, god forbid, security at CBS Television City have reportedly been told that Sarah is a “higher priority than Bristol.” Sorry, Bristol! Read more on At Bristol’s TV Dancing Taping, Sarah Palin Is Security’s ‘Higher Priority’…
  excitable people

Tea Party Guy Needs to Calm Down

LIBTARD MEDIA PEOPLE WHAZZZZUP!!!! This very enthusiastic salmon-colored shirt man is “John Villarreal,” a GOP activist/consultant/ready-to-explode kinda type and talk show host for Modesto, California’s KFIV AM. He talks like he is maybe/partly responsible somehow (?) for the sensational primary wins of Sharron Angle, Christine O’Donnell, and other Tea Party luminary-victors. Is he? Read more on Tea Party Guy Needs to Calm Down…
  kill all the animals

Why Is Allah Killing Us With His Wild Beasts?

When a captive killer whale went nuts and killed its trainer at the Sea World a few months back, theologians from the American Family Association noted that this tragedy occurred because the aquatic-attractions horror park failed to murder the Orca after it killed its first victim, as the Old Testament instructed. Maybe? Or maybe don’t seize 12,000-pound predators from the sea and put them in a swimming pool surrounded by bleachers filled with screeching fat children and then expect the marine monsters to routinely dance in a crazy way to the hip-hop or whatever; we are not theologians we can’t say for sure. But now, the same AFA nutball is back with more Old Testament wildlife-management advice. That guy killed by an angry Grizzly Bear at Yellowstone? Yep, it’s all because of not following ancient religious scrolls. Read more on Why Is Allah Killing Us With His Wild Beasts?…
  this is america

Arizona School Demands Black & Latino Students’ Faces On Mural Be Changed To White

Hard to find even the Gallows Humor in this story, so maybe we won’t even try. Maybe it’s time to admit that large chunks of America are in the hands of unreconstructed racists and vulgar idiots, and that the popular election of a black man as president just might’ve pushed these furious, economically doomed old white people into a final rage that is going to end very, very badly. Ready? Here you go: An Arizona elementary school mural featuring the faces of kids who attend the school has been the subject of constant daytime drive-by racist screaming, from adults, as well as a radio talk-show campaign (by an actual city councilman, who has an AM talk-radio show) to remove the black student’s face from the mural, and now the school principal has ordered the faces of the Latino and Black students pictured on the school wall to be repainted as light-skinned children. Read more on Arizona School Demands Black & Latino Students’ Faces On Mural Be Changed To White…
  sexy beasts

Bonus/Emergency Children’s Treasury: Al & Tipper Gore Dressed As Sex Monsters

Whoa we were just stopping by MSNBC for a moment to watch the Israeli Ambassador lie about killing people again, and then what’s her name, Alan Greenspan’s wife, just cold started showing pictures of Al and Tipper Gore dressed up as sex monsters for orgies. What is going on here? Oh right, it was the 1980s. Will Allah ever forgive America for the 1980s? No, no she won’t. B-) So, werewolves! We bet Al Gore boned the hell out of Tipper in this get-up! Ugh? Read more on Bonus/Emergency Children’s Treasury: Al & Tipper Gore Dressed As Sex Monsters…
  the horror ... the horror

Monster Island For Sale by Department of Homeland Security

America’s most mysterious animal-disease mad-scientist Military Laboratory, the secret fear factory known as Plum Island, is shutting down and moving to Kansas. Why would a highly secure (?) facility that studies livestock diseases on a remote isle move to the absolute center of the American livestock industry, where one loose spore of Manufactured Anthrax-AIDS-Cancer-Foot & Mouth disease could wipe out the nation’s entire stock of cow anus parts used to make Fast Food Hamburgers? Ha ha, that question kind of answers itself, doesn’t it? Plus, Long Island should not have the exclusive right to be terrified by the kinds of hybrid hell-beasts created by government scientists just for laffs. Read more on Monster Island For Sale by Department of Homeland Security…
  scary monsters and super creeps

Mitt Romney Already Campaigning In Iowa?

Wonkette operative “Laura S.” was just cold drivin’ through Iowa when she spotted these awful giant-human heads growing out of the fertile, head-growin’ Iowa manure-soil. What is this about? Well, that’s Mitt Romney on the left. He emerges from the Iowa dirt every four years, like Mormon Jeebus, to once again haunt the people of Iowa, who will (like every year) refuse to nominate him for anything. Read more on Mitt Romney Already Campaigning In Iowa?…
  federal space news

NASA Voyager Space Probe Captured By Aliens?

Just as Stephen Hawking’s dire warning about the Space Aliens made the news three weeks ago, engineers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory discovered a puzzling development in the datastream sent by Voyager 2, the space probe launched in 1977 that is currently 8.5 billion miles from Earth and 5 billion miles beyond the orbit of Pluto, our most distant (former) planet. On April 22, the radio signal from V2 went haywire. It no longer makes any sense at all, following 33 straight years of good data. One “German academic” says this is because Space Monsters have hijacked the probe, decoded the Earth Greetings contained upon the “Golden Record” attached to the Voyager probes, and are now trying to answer us. Didn’t Stephen Hawking warn us about exactly this situation? Read more on NASA Voyager Space Probe Captured By Aliens?…