Fox News lady: “I’ve got a picture of what the monkey would look like — we’re waiting for some live video of the search to come in — and it’s my screensaver now, Jim… I want you to take a look at that, that’s what we’re dealing with, that’s what they can look like when they’re upset. They’re known because the males have bright blue scrotums.” One minute later, John Gibson: Eric Holder has a bright blue scrotum, haw haw haw. [YouTube]

Alaskan Congressman Don Young, whose wife is a leading advocate of Capitol Hill’s chattel slavery economy, has a new pet project: the interstate slave monkey trafficking business. Now many of you are French and liberal and probably assume this harbors racial connotations. Well you keep eating that cheese, Jacques, because we’re talking about actual slave monkeys and not America’s lovely black people. Back in June, see, the House passed legislation banning the interstate sale of monkeys. How idiotic — leave it to the United States Congress to ban the economy’s most important industry in the middle of a recession. On Tuesday, however, Congressman Young introduced a new piece of legislation to amend the overreach of the previous one: it would “allow for the interstate transfer of specifically trained capuchin monkeys, who help severely disabled people with daily activities.” MORE »

And now that other great political party is choosing a nominee in South Carolina, as this important Washington Post news graphic illustrates. What do we know so far? It’s going to be a record turnout! Weather’s good, proving once again that God doesn’t exist. 45 convention delegates are up for grabs. And everything’s “racially charged.” Did we mention the hilarity of nature’s clowns, the monkeys? [Washington Post, The State]

Man sneaks tiny monkey through security at Florida airport; al Qaeda begins diabolical plans to recruit thousands of tiny monkeys, outfit them with adorable itty-bitty dynamite vests. [WTOP]

What an exciting week! Let’s recap: MORE »

Because the Homeland Security bureaucrats are always plotting against Americans and our precious freedoms, a lack of crazy terrorist make-believe schemes in the news does not mean air travel should suddenly be anything but a miserable nightmare. MORE »

The Senate is for sale too: MORE »

* W — rejected for a coffee date and targeted by a nuclear warhead, all in a single blog entry. [Wizbang]
* Anxiously planning your next industry monopoly? Watch out for our Congress who won’t… really… stop you. [Bopnews]
* Here’s 100 bucks for you and your Ford Escort-driving fetus. [AMERICAblog]
* Add Spanish-speaking Orangutans to the growing list of “Mammals With Better Healthcare Options Than Most Americans.” [Right Wing News]
* String a few subjects and verbs together and dangle them in front of an Ivy League kid. [HuffPo]

* America’s finest journalists hard at work: “I mean, Wolf Blitzer on “THE SITUATION ROOM” gets a gazillion screens, and I get one crummy screen.” [FishbowlDC]
* This just in: Sartre to blame for Europe’s declining birth rate, Kierkegaard presumably at fault for this whole cartoon riot thing. [MediaMatters]
* “They’re going to have to pry my monkey from my cold, dead hand.” [BusinessWeek, Via]
* From the foreign policy desk comes a video that could mean bad news for Chinese-American relations, already strained due to Iran’s… fuck it, it’s just a funny movie. [Sundance]
* If anyone could help us figure out the “George Washington engaged in electronic wiretapping” defense, we’d greatly appreciate it. We’re a little stumped. [WaPo (scroll down)]