Tag Archives: monica lewinsky

 

Andrea Mitchell Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Whatev, Andrea
Have you heard the story about the president who got a blowjob from a lady who wasn’t his wife? Sure you did. Because that blowjob would be old enough to drive a car by now, and lots of hack “journalists” cut their teeth typing out the scintillating details of semen stains and cigars. Which is why they are the one subspecies on this planet, and probably any other in the universe, that can never forget. The world marches on, a president leaves office, another one steals his seat, then another takes his place — but the Very Serious Journalists will never let go of The Blowjob. Read more on Andrea Mitchell Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things…
  electile dysfunction

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books With The Accuracy Of A Florida Election

Hey, folks, are you ready to relive the 2000 election? As if some of us didn’t spend most of 2000 through 2008 doing that already? Go dimple your chads, because it’s time for some butterfly ballots, Christian-textbook style! Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Books With The Accuracy Of A Florida Election…
  jay leno monologues were more educational

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are Close, But No Cigar

Here we are kids, at the lowest point* of the Clinton administration: the Lewinsky affair and impeachment. But how are textbooks for the fundamentalist Christian homeschool market supposed to approach the topic? On the one hand, there’s big Presidential Sin, but on the other, S-E-X. Not all that surprisingly, our middle-school textbook skirts the details, while our high-school text looks mostly at the legal case, not the affair. Neither mentions a blue dress or a blowjob, though in that delicacy, we should note that they’re in line with secular texts. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Are Close, But No Cigar…
  america's nightmare of peace and prosperity

Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain

Pop quiz time! (If you need to review last week’s lesson, you may.) Here is an actual review question from our 8th-grade American History textbook from Christian publisher A Beka, America: Land I Love (2006): “What Communist leader toured America in 1990?” Now, you filthy liberals may think the correct answer would be Mikhail Gorbachev, or possibly if you’re a big trivia buff, Jiang Zemin, but you would be wrong. Obviously, the huge commie they’re talking about is Nelson Mandela. And that’s why we love these textbooks. Their idea of what needs to be emphasized always manages to surprise us. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: U.S. History Textbooks That Feel Your Pain…
  dear god it's only 2014

Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News

This weekend a scaly, horrifying, rage-addled lizard rose from the depths of its subterranean lair and slithered onto screens all over the country, where it opened its jaw and shrieked high-pitched noises at terrified Americans as it stomped its way across the land, leaving destruction in its wake. Yep, Dick Cheney was on Fox News Sunday again to talk about Hillary Clinton and BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! as if anyone on the planet should give a foamy crap about what Dick Cheney thinks about anything. Read more on Hillary Clinton Either Evil Genius Or Drooling Idiot, Say Drooling Idiots On Fox News…
  we also don't miss flannel

Clinton-Obsessed Swamp Thing Lanny Davis Oozes From Primordial Muck To Weigh In On Benghazi

One specter that has always hovered over a Hillary Clinton campaign for president in 2016 is the possibility — the certainty — that all the old spirits of the 1990s will be conjured up and released into the world to wreak havoc and slime anyone in their way in the political equivalent of shutting down the containment unit in Ghostbusters. All those old “scandals” – Whitewater, Mena Airport, Travelgate, Vince Foster – will get all-new airings in the media, dissected like a Census taker that knocks on Hannibal Lecter’s door. Ugh, we’re getting nauseous just writing this. It also means some of the old faces from the 90s will reappear. (It’s true some of them never went away in the first place, as we’re reminded every time we happen to catch pudgy-faced Jell-O monster Dick Morris sneering his way through an appearance on Fox News.) Last week Monica Lewinsky popped back up for the first time in over a decade, inciting conspiracy theories from Lynne Cheney and one million column ideas plus a raging lady boner for Maureen Dowd. Not long before that, the announcement of Chelsea Clinton’s pregnancy brought back some of those old “Webb Hubbell is Chelsea’s father” stories. We wondered, who would be next? Linda Tripp? Gennifer Flowers? Ghost Socks the cat? Lanny Davis. Of course, it would be goddamn Lanny Davis, crawling out from whatever rock he has been hiding under to insert himself into the BENGHAAAAZI!!11!! flustercuck that has congressional doctors busy writing dozens of prescriptions for amyl nitrites. Read more on Clinton-Obsessed Swamp Thing Lanny Davis Oozes From Primordial Muck To Weigh In On Benghazi…
  i seem nice

It Is Time For Us All To Stop Making Fun Of Monica Lewinsky, By Monica Lewinsky

Heard any good jokes lately? No. No you haven’t. Because it has been twenty years-ish (?) since Peewee Herman got busted bustin’ in that porn theater, and I got busted … well you know. I am the last time a joke happened. That was me. Well, now I am back, to tell my story for money, because I have not been able to get a job in all that time except for the one time I designed purses, which everyone laughed at, because I’m such a big joke. I have been a global punchline since I was 22 years old probably, not sure, would have to look it up. I have been unemployable, undateable, and about 15 years early for the crusade against slut-shaming. That would have been nice. Am I sorry that my sluttiness occurred on someone else’s husband’s dick? I assume so, probably, sure! But you just try to tell me you wouldn’t have been all up in the Big Dog’s crotch, and I will call you a liar to your face. It was exciting! He’s a charismatic fellow! And you have been jizzed on by so much worse. Read more on It Is Time For Us All To Stop Making Fun Of Monica Lewinsky, By Monica Lewinsky…
  mad about the boy

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Legitimate Righteous Anger Edition

Today’s Times is lighter on coverage of the Michael Dunn trial than we had hoped. There’s only a dispassionate bit that so dryly recounts the inexplicable verdict — guilty on attempted murder charges of the kids he didn’t kill, but not guilty of murdering the one he did — it isn’t even worth quoting here. We weighed in on this matter yesterday, and don’t have much to add at this point except to send another hearty “fuck you” to a jury that couldn’t bring themselves to admit that Michael Dunn just fucking murdered Jordan Davis in cold blood, but were also such cretinously vain creatures that they didn’t want history to look upon them poorly, so they found Dunn guilty of something else entirely. Hope you never sleep well again, fuckers. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Legitimate Righteous Anger Edition…
  ensuring that the poor will always be with you

Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them

So you know how President Obama called for a minimum wage of $10.10 in the State of the Union? Well, that is a great plan if you HATE THE POORS. But if you love the poor, if you have compassion in your heart and a soul full of goodness, then you know that best way to help the poor is to lower the minimum wage! Where, oh where, would such brilliant logic come from? Robert Strayton, some former executive vice president of a big ol fancy company, put forth his magnum opus in the pro-poor pages of the Wall Street Journal: I have come to believe that the most effective step we can take to ameliorate poverty, kick-start job growth and invigorate hope in every social stratum is to experiment with a $5 minimum wage. That’s right. Instead of making more money, we need to make sure that the poor make less money. And that will solve everything! This guy is like modern-day Monica Lewinsky, except he is blowing minds. And we just stained his blue blazer. Let’s hear him richsplain to all the poors how making less money will be good for them.  Read more on Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them…
  yeah that's gonna happen

Rand Paul Wants Dems To Give Back All Their Filthy Bill Clinton Sex Money

Sen. Rand Paul is just sick of the Democrats doing war on women by tolerating the continued existence of Bill Clinton, the sexual predator who had a consensual affair with a lady who worked for him (this is the only real instance of workplace sexual harassment in history, according to Republicans). And so he is calling on all Democrats who have ever raised money with Clinton to return it immediately to protest the notorious anti-woman blowjobs of 20 years ago. Seems reasonable! Read more on Rand Paul Wants Dems To Give Back All Their Filthy Bill Clinton Sex Money…
  the democrats have always been at war with the women

Rand Paul, Joe Scarborough: It Is Probably Hillary’s Fault Bill Clinton Got That Beej

In case you missed it because you were sleeping off your Saturday hangover, or had something better to do like watching paint dry, Sen. Rand “Aqua Buddha” Paul mansplained, as only a Republican can, how there isn’t really a war on women, except there is, but Democrats started it. (Also, he’s rubber, you’re glue, and YOUR MOM. Oh SNAP!) Oh, and the war that isn’t a war except it’s a war by Democrats is over now, the women won because his niece goes to Cornell, let us weep for the men. If that sounds like the same old arglebargle we’re always hearing from Republicans, it is. But Paul offered a new twist: The war on women that is not a war on women but is a war on women except that it is over now was started by Bill Clinton getting a blowjob, and that means Hillary cannot be president. WHAT?!? you say. Surely, you must be joking! No, we are not joking, and don’t call us Shirley. He really said it! Read more on Rand Paul, Joe Scarborough: It Is Probably Hillary’s Fault Bill Clinton Got That Beej…
  media circus

Maureen Dowd Manages To Make New York Mayor’s Pizza Snafu About Bill Clinton’s Blowjob

Hey did you hear that New York’s mayor, Bill de Blasio, ate pizza with knife and fork, like a total schmegeggie? Well, NYT supercolumnist Maureen Dowd apparently wandered away from her twitter feed last week and forgot to refresh it, as she has Thoughts about pizza, and Bill Clinton getting a hummer from Monica Lewinsky, wait what? Read more on Maureen Dowd Manages To Make New York Mayor’s Pizza Snafu About Bill Clinton’s Blowjob…
  dial m for lolwhut?

Did You Know The Clintons Were Always Threatening To Murder Linda Tripp? It Is Probably ‘True’

In Wonket pal Larry Klayman’s latest column, “Obama’s Mein Kampf,” which is otherwise filled with his usual ramblings about how “the Muslim megalomaniac” Barack Obama is trying to put all the white people in prison to get reparations for the Negro Man — seriously, Larry Klayman writes about this pretty much every week — Klayman drops some knowledge that we feel like we really should have known about before! Did you know that Bill and Hillary Clinton, in addition to murdering all the people, had their “henchmen” leave lists of murdered witnesses on Linda Tripp’s chair? (Linda Tripp, children, was a lady who “befriended” a young White House intern named “Monica Lewinsky” and then secretly tape recorded her gushing about her cigar-diddling by love affair with the “president,” “Bill Clinton.” This caused a bit of a hullabaloo!) We mean, obviously you knew that the Clintons murdered all the people, that is just Science Fact, because of how gay lesbian Hillary Clinton kept having affairs with men and then doing the murder. But the lists, and the office chair, and the not-so-subtle murder threats. What we don’t get is: why bother to try to intimidate Linda Tripp with a list of murderees? Why not just, you know, murder her? Read more on Did You Know The Clintons Were Always Threatening To Murder Linda Tripp? It Is Probably ‘True’…
  those were the days

Now There Is A New Monica Lewinsky Sex Tape, Because Why The Hell Not, This Country, Jesus

In what ways does this “new sex tape of Monica Lewinsky” suck worse than a thing billed thus should suck? One, it’s not a videotape; it’s just Monica Lewinsky talking semi-dirty on an audio cassette or auto-electro-gramophone or enchanted sea shell, who knows, it’s not clear. Two, it doesn’t feature Bill Clinton, except as he’s pictured in your own mind, listening to this tape in the Oval Office, shitty 1990s headphones hugging that ruddy melon, with one finger in a blueberry pie and the rest somewhere else, it’s your imagination, do what you want with it. Those are the only ways it sucks, though, which is pretty good! OK, so what doesn’t suck about this not-a-sex-tape sex tape? Read more on Now There Is A New Monica Lewinsky Sex Tape, Because Why The Hell Not, This Country, Jesus…
  history's greatest monster

What Is Chelsea Clinton Hiding About Monica Lewinsky?

Everyone knows that Chelsea Clinton is the world’s most boring human being — though she did grow up to be quite a fetching member of the female species, suck it Rush Limbaugh. She is even more boring than Luke Russert, and possibly has less-notable insights! But were you aware that the reason she is such a flop on NBC, which hired her for “journalism,” is not that she is not particularly a journalist, or experienced, or fluffed up by her famous name to a rank she might have actually earned someday — no, it is only those things a little bit! The real reason, according to Buzzfeed, is because she will not tell us how it felt to be a 13-year-old whose Dad was getting impeached by Newt Gingrich for cigar-banging a plump luscious vixen, “claiming” that it’s “none of our business.” Buzzfeed has some well-considered and not at all creepy thoughts on this! Read more on What Is Chelsea Clinton Hiding About Monica Lewinsky?…
  wiccan mysteries

Why Do Teabagger Celebrity Gals All Look Like Monica Lewinsky?

Why do today’s teabagger sweethearts all look like infamous White House intern Monica Lewinksy? Could it be that the fetching Oval Office paramour of Bill Clinton had some deep, weird effect on right-wing men in this country? Was all that posturing and yelping and going insane over a politician having a tacky affair really about something much weirder? Did Lewinsky hit some special button in the impotent nether regions of America’s wingnuts? And why does Christine O’Donnell look exactly like Monica in her heyday? It would be sexist to even raise this subject, but our pal Rebecca Dana already did it for Tina Brown’s Internet Tendency, so it has automatically transubstantiated from filth to scholarship! (This is witchcraft.) Read more on Why Do Teabagger Celebrity Gals All Look Like Monica Lewinsky?…
  cartoon violence

Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you ever see one of those romantic comedies where the two principals just straight up frickin’ loathe each other, and try to undermine and destroy one another, but then, in the stunning turnaround that generally happens at the end of Act I or thereabouts, it turns out that all that animosity is just a cover for the fact that secretly they want to bone? Oh, you have seen that, because it’s the plot of virtually every romantic comedy ever? Well, since all life follows the formulas laid out by our entertainment industry, what do you think that says about the partisan gridlock in Washington? (ANSWER: IT MEANS THEY WANT TO DO SEX WITH EACH OTHER, ALL THE TIME.) Read more on Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever…
 

What You Need To Know About The Next Few Weeks

If you turn on the Internet and visit any of its websites, you’ll find some guy or gal’s analysis of the Pennsylvania primary results and the future of the election. While there only may be one or two ways to assess the question of “Does an ongoing primary hurt or help the Democrats?”, the Internet’s “Rule of 10 Million” means that there are somehow 10 or 20 million ways to assess it. We’d like to chip into the pot with three of our own, from readers. Read more on What You Need To Know About The Next Few Weeks…
 

Chelsea Continually Harassed About Monica Lewinsky

Everyone should ask Chelsea Clinton about Monica Lewinsky at every possible opportunity. Chelsea is like 45 years old now — 24 years older than Monica Lewinsky will ever be! America’s favorite brace-face can handle it. [MSNBC] Read more on Chelsea Continually Harassed About Monica Lewinsky…
 

Ken ‘Obama’ Starr Keeps Asking For Hillary’s Tax Returns

The Blowjob Era has returned! Today, in response to the Obama campaign’s demand that the Clintons release their tax returns NOW, communications director Howard Wolfson called it a “Ken Starr” tactic. Ken Starr was a famous investigator douchebag from the 1990s, when Obama was on crack and Hillary was fixing Northern Ireland and children’s sicknesses, you see. Read more on Ken ‘Obama’ Starr Keeps Asking For Hillary’s Tax Returns…