Wonkette

Marketwatch wants you to cheer up. Well, not all of you, just the ones with investments and money who are freaking out because poor people are rioting over scarce food supplies, millions of foreclosed homes are sitting empty and unsold, and local governments are no longer able to afford police and firefighters to protect rich people from the hordes. What to do? Laugh, that’s what! MORE »

According to a new audit from the Government Accountability Office, the United States of America’s Government has been purchasing iPods, lingerie and other goodies with federal credit cards. About 300,000 federal government employees used purchase cards in 2007. Government purchase cards are like corporate credit cards, except the Corporation is YOU, the AMERICAN TAXPAYER PEOPLE. You and your subprime corporate friends should be ashamed and banished to Spain, with the Moors. MORE »

Because Barack Obama is despised by all America save for a small enclave of leftist weirdos, he raised just $40 million in March while John McCain was overseas fighting for Freedom. So far in 2008, Obama has raised $134 million. Why won’t doomed presidential candidate Obama step aside and spend his hundreds of millions of dollars on useful things, such as cigarettes and bowling lessons? [Washington Post]

Today the Bush administration offered its brave response to the current financial crisis, as delivered by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson. The administration has faced overwhelming pressure to give the government more oversight and regulation within the financial markets, since every major player (investment banks, hedge funds) keeps dying and then asks the government for money. And who better to ramp up regulation on investment banks than Henry Paulson, the former C.E.O. of Goldman Sachs! So what’s in his funny new oversight package, and how will it not do anything save the economy again? MORE »

Things are looking pretty rough in Republican fundraising circles these days…except for an elite group of operatives who accept campaign contributions in the only denomination that still holds its value in the global market: human feces. MORE »

The world is an evil place, controlled by money, oil, liquor, Hollywood, and women. When these forces of vice combine, we call the beast “Wealthy pro-Clinton Democrats.” Today this cabal got pushy with powerful House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and called on her “to back away from previous comments and reaffirm that superdelegates should be free to back whichever candidate they believe would be the party’s best nominee.” Fortunately, this does not confirm any stereotypes about money and power and the political process. MORE »

Hip young Democratic newcomers like Hillary Clinton have mastered the art of fundraising over the Internets, while Republicans continue to raise campaign contributions in gold dubloons via Pony Express. Massive citizen participation in their hopeful quests has allowed Democrats to forever unshackle themselves from The Special Interests, big business, and The Lobbyists. How long will it take Republicans to catch up with these innovative fundraising techmologies? MORE »

Now that John McCain is the Republicans’ “presumptive nominee,” the right wing is flooding his campaign with all sorts of corrupt lobbyist cash. WALNUTS! raised a grand total of $12 million in February — considerably more than “the average American” earned that month! Now maybe McCain can afford both his prescription drugs and his groceries — unlike most of America’s seniors — but nothing else. MORE »

Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke testified about our flourishing American economy to Congress again today, and the economy’s just not good at all! He signaled more rate cuts would come to stave off the growing credit crisis, but balanced it with fears of inflation. As the Federal Reserve noted in its semi-annual policy report today, it foresees “a negative combination of below-trend growth and inflation rates topping 2% this year, though conditions are expected to start improving in 2009.” So we’ll have horrible stagflation for all of 2008, but Ben Bernanke will make 2009 wondrous! MORE »

The McCain campaign’s two biggest priorities right now are finding a running mate and fundraising. According to reports, one issue “is being treated with considerably more urgency.” If you guessed that priority #1 was finding a successor to a candidate who, on Inauguration Day, will be just three years shy of average life expectancy, guess again! McCain is more worried about money, duh. [CNN]