Tag Archives: money laundering

  when a man loves a weapon

Tom DeLay Can’t Wait To Conceal His Weapon Again, For Old Times’ Sake

You’ve probably seen those heartwarming videos of soldiers being reunited with their dogs after a long deployment — the surprise, the moment of recognition, the hug, the tears of joy, the happy tail-wagging. We’d like to imagine that a similar scene is going to play out when Tom DeLay, whose conviction on charges of campaign finance violations was overturned on appeal Thursday, is reunited with his own trusty companion: Now that a federal appeals court has acquitted former Rep. Tom DeLay of violating campaign finance laws, he said Thursday he was ecstatic about the return of one constitutional right. “I can get my concealed weapon license back,” the Texas Republican said at a news conference in Washington, D.C. It’s really very touching, this bond between a man and his concealed shooting iron. We aren’t certain if DeLay will release a videotape showing the joyful reunion, or if it will simply be too private, too intimate a moment to share with the rest of the world. Read more on Tom DeLay Can’t Wait To Conceal His Weapon Again, For Old Times’ Sake…
  quiet rooms

Bummed About Your 15 Percent Tax Rate, Job Creators? Have You Considered Paying ‘Zero’ Instead?

It is with a heavy heart that we inform you that we have not significantly appeased our lords and masters the job creators and so they have taken to laundering their money, investing their money speech in offshore tax havens. Some of the world’s money launderers biggest banks, in fact, have been quietly helping 100,000 of our finest job creators and their families hide somewhere between $21 and $32 trillion in assets offshore in places like Switzerland and the Cayman Islands. The good news, however, is that this isn’t really anything that you people need to worry about. After all, being as you’re a Poor, you’re not as educated and wouldn’t understand that this is just how the system works, is all! These are swashbuckling captains of industry, taking such RISKS for the betterment of the economy and for us all, surely they deserve to evade avoid a little taxes here and there as repayment for their fulfilling their patriotic duty of being rich creating jobs? It’s as AMERICAN AS APPLE PIE! Read more on Bummed About Your 15 Percent Tax Rate, Job Creators? Have You Considered Paying ‘Zero’ Instead?…
  it's morning in america

Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation

A trade group representing Japanese fishermen (see: scummy fish union) has called TEPCO — the company that owns the nuclear power plant that is currently exploding — incompetent and “unforgivable.” Specifically, the group is less than thrilled about Tokyo Electric and the Japanese government deciding to dump 11,500 tons of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean, resulting in, among other problems, radioactive fish and eels. But the ocean is so big and 11,500 tons is not that much radioactive water-goo, so these fishermen are probably just a bunch of whiny extortionists! (Just like the lazy fishermen on the Gulf Coast, who keep asking for handouts/”alive” baby dolphins.) Geezus. Authorities have allegedly plugged up the radioactive leaks in the reactors, so maybe conditions will improve and everything will be okay? Ha-ha, Maybe. [CNN/BBC] Read more on Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation… Read more on Fish Union Unamused By Radioactive Sushi, Demands Compensation…
  only browns get the chair

Tom DeLay Sentenced To Three Years In Prison With Himself

Texas judge Pat Priest sentenced DeLay to three years on a conspiracy charge and also sentenced him to five years in prison for money laundering. Priest, however, allowed DeLay to accept 10 years probation on the money laundering charge, assuming he meets certain conditions set by the court. Read more on Tom DeLay Sentenced To Three Years In Prison With Himself…
  pour one out for our homie tomorrow

Tom DeLay Finally Found Guilty of Being Tom DeLay

A jury in Texas (a pile of guns behind the prosecutin’ headquarters) has found Tom Guilty delay of conspiracy and money laundering. Sorry, has found Tom DeLay guilty of conspiracy and money laundering. So even though a few months ago, when the Justice Department cleared him of all charges in the Abramoff case, conservatives were telling us all we should be ashamed for what we did to this poor man, all is right for the world and will now face “between 5 and 99 years in prison,” which is a place better known in Texas as “the musical electric chairs.” “This is an abuse of power,” DeLay said, which is sad, because that man used to love abusing power. Read more on Tom DeLay Finally Found Guilty of Being Tom DeLay…
 

EMERGENCY WONK’D: THE HAMMER!

Our man in the Capitol breathlessly reports: So I just ran downstairs to the subway in Rayburn to get a bottle of pop(soda) and the Hammer strolls up next to me at the vending machine. He bought a $1.25 bottle of pop (soda) with nickels, which was annoying,because it took him forever and I was trying not to look like I was waiting around for him. He’s a lot shorter than I expected short (my height, which is 5’8″ on a good day) and has a huge beer gut. All sorts of Congressmen and women were coming up to him and saying congrats and kissing his ass still. And get this, he still has a Capitol Police detail…a big guy who must be at least 6’6″ with a little clear earpiece in his ear following him around. So even though only the leadership is supposed to get a detail, the taxpayers are paying for someone to follow him around 24-7 to make sure he’s safe, because he’s such an essential part of our government now. Also, he bought a diet coke. Read more on EMERGENCY WONK’D: THE HAMMER!…