Tag Archives: money

  Bigot Nice Time we guess

Pizza Bigots Sharing Dough With Florist Bigot, Like Good Gay-Hating Jesus Would Do

Daughter prays as Father stews over gay homosexuals pulling the pizza from his cold dead hands.
The Deliverance cast members who own that Indiana fag-hatin’ pizza hole called Memories raised over $840,000 in bigot money on GoFundMe, for taking the bold stand that, were a gay or lesbian couple to visit them and say “please, our dream is to serve your shitty pizza to our wedding guests,” they would refuse, because God Hates Fags. You will be glad (depending on your value for “glad”) to know that they aren’t just going to stick all that money up their butts; they plan to follow Jesus’s command to help the needy and spread the wealth. Read more on Pizza Bigots Sharing Dough With Florist Bigot, Like Good Gay-Hating Jesus Would Do…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Has A Few Words For This Marxist Pope Guy (Video)

Stephen Colbert is torn, poor fellow. On the one hand, he says, he is “America’s most prominent Catholic.” Then again, he is also “America’s foremost capitalist. I love the invisible hand of the market so much I let it get to third base.” Ah, but there’s the conflict. That darn Pope Francis guy wants to cramp his style, with all that anti-capitalist, “don’t be worshiping money” cruelty of his. Read more on Stephen Colbert Has A Few Words For This Marxist Pope Guy (Video)…
  unsafe at any creed

Pat Robertson Puts The ‘Jew’ In ‘Jeweler’

Pat Robertson just enjoys being Pat Robertson, and he doesn’t care who knows it. And by golly, he sure does admire how people of the Hebrew persuasion are so darn good at making money — it really is something to be admired, not a shameful stereotype. And so it makes perfect sense that he’d have a warm welcome for guest Daniel Lapin, a rightwing rabbi, who appeared on Monday’s 700 Club to flog his new book about what Robertson called the “ancient Jewish wisdom” that helps your Jewy types to grab that cash with both hands and make a stash: “What is it about Jewish people that make them prosper financially? You almost never find Jews tinkering with their cars on the weekends or mowing their lawns. That’s what Daniel Lapin says and there’s a very good reason for that, and it lies within the business secrets of the Bible.” It’s that special Bible magic that lets Jews spend their weekends, as Robertson exclaims later, “polishing diamonds, not fixing cars!” And by golly, home viewer, maybe if you listen very carefully, you can learn a thing or two from this Jew fella! And send a generous contribution to keep this ministry on the air, of course. Read more on Pat Robertson Puts The ‘Jew’ In ‘Jeweler’…
  larry summers for dog catcher

Summers Vs. Warren Banking Committee Cage Match Canceled As Larry Summers Craps Out

Unloved money brute Lawrence “Larry” Summers will not be your new Ben Bernanke after withdrawing his name from consideration for Federal Reserve Chairman on Sunday. Mainly this is because humans are hard-wired to distrust men named Larry, but there were other factors, like: Four of the twelve Democrats on the Senate Banking Committee have already said they won’t vote for him, so he’d needed GOP support to get out of committee, which is always fun; He helped create the regulatory environment that led to the Great Recession with his full-throated (no pun intended) advocacy of repealing Glass-Steagall and continuing the largely unregulated, over-the-counter exchange of derivatives; Along those same lines, he is very cozy with much-loathed banks like Citigroup; He is widely held to be an asshole; He once pretty much out of nowhere said women are less biologically fit to do science, which is not even true, and seriously, why even say that?  Read more on Summers Vs. Warren Banking Committee Cage Match Canceled As Larry Summers Craps Out…
  all the education you can afford

Student Loan Bill Lubes Up At Least Before Screwing Students

Surely you Wonketteers have heard the librul media and members of Congress crowing about the new student loan bill, which is apparently not only a great deal for students but is also significant because it demonstrates that Congress is capable of passing something on a bipartisan basis. Everybody wins: Congress looks good! The new bill doesn’t add to the deficit! And students’ rates will fluctuate with the market so now students have EVEN MORE skin in the game! USA USA! Here, let us take a closer look at the crappy deal that everyone is so excited about. Read more on Student Loan Bill Lubes Up At Least Before Screwing Students…
  spearmint rino

John McCain Promises Huge Tip For Strippers

Sen. John McCain would just like to reassure strippers across this great nation that they have nothing to fear from the bill he’s supporting that would phase out $1 bills and replace them with dollar coins, because maybe instead of getting pelted with coins, they’ll still get bills, just in larger denominations, so yay strippers, and empowerment. Strippers getting more money counts as empowerment, right? [Editrix note: Fuck you, and also, yes.] Read more on John McCain Promises Huge Tip For Strippers…
  Money is overrated

Justice Department Now Paying Experienced Lawyers With Exposure Bucks, Whore Diamonds

What a tempting offer for our nation’s cadre of experienced lawyers: work for the Justice Department, reviewing applications for wiretaps in major federal criminal investigations. Probably this is pretty easy, given (as we’ve recently learned) that there is no reason NOT to ever wiretap! So if you want something a little more challenging, perhaps you can serve as a special attorney in the Office of Enforcement Operations. But wait! There’s more! Not only could you maybe work for the Justice Department for a year in either of these important positions, you can do it in exchange for absolutely no money! Yes! That’s right! You will get paid in Experience, which, like Exposure, is even better than money! Read more on Justice Department Now Paying Experienced Lawyers With Exposure Bucks, Whore Diamonds…
  how is babby amortized?

American Babies Cost Three Times as Much as European Babies, For Freedom

Baby-having time is a time of mixed emotions for most families. This is because they are excited about becoming parents (or becoming parents again, as the case may be), worried about preparing in time for the baby (or babies) and sad about the fact that Americans spend more per baby than just about any industrialized country but get poorer outcomes.  See, American babies cost anywhere from $4,000 to $45,000 for a complication-free delivery, depending on which insurance company you have. Our nephew, for example, cost around $7,000 in copays and $30,000 in hospital bills, making him a very expensive baby who is only appreciating with every doctor visit. Can any of you beat that? Probably, which is sad. Anyway, let’s catch up with this via the New York Times, which  accidentally filed this article in the “Health” section rather than where it really belongs,  the “Money” section: Read more on American Babies Cost Three Times as Much as European Babies, For Freedom…
  businesslady entrepreneuring job creatin

Screw It, We Are Just Hiring Everyone Now

Are you a writer what got no job? Then you will not want to read the following, in which we hire ANOTHER person, as it will probably make you want to eat your own liver. And livers are not like hearts or kidneys. A liver is an organ YOU ACTUALLY NEED! Last week, we told you that — thanks to you, the loyal Wonker — we were creating ONE ENTIRE JOB. (Actual picture, not kidding, of Doktor Zoom at the link.) Last week we also told you that we had seen a hilariously dumb panel about monetizing content for the web, and really their only advice was that, like Politico and Andrew Sullivan, you should charge people to look at your shit. WELL WE SAID NO THANK YOU. Too many of our readers are poor and homeless and covered in scabies and sadness for us to put up paywalls. NO PAYWALL CAN HOLD YOUR WONKET! But we did finally (finally) and thanks to the help from one ShyPixel, put up our annoying little “send us money” noodge. And did you? IN FACT YOU DID. So fuck it, we’re hiring Snipy now too. (Not pictured above.) Read more on Screw It, We Are Just Hiring Everyone Now…
  don't forget the sex robots

Sponsored! This Proud Dad Paid Us Sweet Cash Money To Listen To His Son’s Awesome Album For Nerds!

This is not a music blog! This is a mommyblog recipe-hub sci-blog literary salon #WARBLOG! What are we even doing writing about music? WE KNOW NOTHING OF MUSIC! Well tell it to Greil Marcus, who once said we were one of his favorite music writers, obviously because he had a Rick Perry Moment and couldn’t think of any other music writers in the whole wide world, oops. So now that that is out of the way, let us talk about Rocket Science, because J. Koester’s papa is proud of him and bought him a post for just that purpose! See that link right there? That is the free download to the whole album, because of how J. Koester is a cool guy. So, let us begin. Are you a nerd? Do you like nerd stuff, and science, and sex robots and white-man-rap and Abba mixed with David Bowie and Lemon Jelly and maybe Shakespeare’s Sister and Disco Eponine and concept albums? Then Rocket Science might be for you! Do you think those things are “goofy”? Then Rocket Science might not be for you probably! Read more on Sponsored! This Proud Dad Paid Us Sweet Cash Money To Listen To His Son’s Awesome Album For Nerds!…
  you break it you buy it

Iraq War Totally Worth Its New Six-Trillion-Dollar Price Tag

Good news everyone! We have received an invoice for the Iraq war and it is only going to cost us around $6 trillion American dollars. Now, this may SOUND like a high price tag, but let’s keep it in perspective by remembering that we liberated the Iraqis using freedom bombs, and the cost of that is pretty much priceless. We also liberated the Iraqis from electricity, water, and antiquities, so looks like we’ve done a pretty good job, amiright? Read more on Iraq War Totally Worth Its New Six-Trillion-Dollar Price Tag…
  let them eat exposure

Here, Let the Atlantic Explain At You About Why They Do Not Pay People For Their Work

Ha! Ha! Ha! Here, let us enjoy this fun exchange between a freelance journalist and a representative of the Atlantic, wherein Global Editor Olga Khazan asks a freelance journalist if he would mind, you know, giving her a thousand words? To post on the Atlantic’s website? Which — in case you don’t know — reaches about 13 million readers per month? Oh, and could he by any chance do it for free? Well, not for FREE per se, he will be paid in Exposure, which is almost as good as being paid in actual money. You see, even though the Atlantic reaches 13 million readers per month, they cannot possibly afford to pay him money for his work, that would be SILLY. Read more on Here, Let the Atlantic Explain At You About Why They Do Not Pay People For Their Work…
  take a chicken to the doctor

Time Magazine Helpfully Explains Why A Quick Visit To The ER Costs As Much As A Semester At Harvard

Your Wonkette had to go to the hospital about a year ago for a two hour long procedure. We had a good friend come pick us up, and as we left, she indicated a desire to take the brown paper bag of basic first aid supplies that the doctor had left for us to bring home for after care. DO NOT TAKE THE BROWN PAPER BAG, we yelled. DO NOT TAKE IT! But our friend was worried, so she took the brown paper bag anyway, and we were charged $20 for a bunch of gauze and a couple Tylenol. Whatever, this was small potatoes, since the entire bill was over $2500 for this two hour procedure, and it was tough to get particularly excited over $20, but still, it was the principle of the thing! And in the grand scheme of it all, we got off easy! $2500 for a two hour procedure? And we got to pay for it a month or two later, after it was all over? Pfft, we had hit the jackpot! Here, let Time magazine tell you about all the ways you could suffer at the hands of our corrupt health care system: Read more on Time Magazine Helpfully Explains Why A Quick Visit To The ER Costs As Much As A Semester At Harvard…
  give me some money

Help Us Help You Help Us!

There was a hilarious David Carr story in the New York Times that we missed in December, about this one-man website The Wirecutter. According to Carr, “Mr. Lam’s revenue is low, about $50,000 a month, but it’s doubling every quarter, enough to pay his freelancers, invest in the site and keep him in surfboards.” Hahahaha, GOOD ONE, DAVID CARR! The Wirecutter’s traffic, according to this story, is about two-thirds the traffic that we garner here at Your Wonket. And if we were making the “low” revenues of $50,000 a month, we would hire four people at $70k plus bennies and still be THE RICHEST LADY IN THE ENTIRE WORLD AND LEAVE ALL OUR MONEY TO OUR DOG. We would not even be working a second job, the papers for which have gone ungraded for seven weeks of this 10-week quarter! Fuck we do not want to grade those. Give us money. But we figure, since it is a lovely Presidents Day slow news day, with stories out there like “Nebraska Senator Mike Johanns to retire” (WHO?), this is a fantastic time to help you suss out how to help us get paid without ending up in CLICK FRAUD JAIL. Read more on Help Us Help You Help Us!…
  lawmakers + booze = governance

Millions of Americans Can Breathe Sigh Of Relief Now That We Are Safe From Unlocked Phones

Good news everyone! We are relieved, we are SO relieved, because as of Saturday, there are criminal penalties (including jail time and a fine of up to $500,000) for unlocking your phone so you can switch cel phone providers. Is this an oversight, you might be wondering? A mere loophole in an otherwise sound piece of legislation? Maybe there is a good explanation! No, of course there isn’t, this is America, it took a special edict [PDF] from the Librarian of Congress to decide that fines and criminal penalties–including jail time and a fine up to $500,000 — applies to cel phone unlocking. Read more on Millions of Americans Can Breathe Sigh Of Relief Now That We Are Safe From Unlocked Phones…
  Still Watters Run Derp

How Long Before Fox News Ambush Guy Who Donated To Obama Hits Unemployment Line?

Jesse Watters, the Fox News correspondent who made a name for himself as Bill O’Reilly’s ambush interview guy, has some ‘splaining to do. Politico’s Dylan Byers reports that a Federal Elections Commission filing shows Watters donated $500 to the Obama campaign in late September. Which kind of seems at odds with his recent on-air opinion that Obama voters are “zombies” who would mindlessly support their Dear Leader “as long as there was Obamacare, gay marriage and abortion on demand.” (Then again, he’s also a guy who — assuming he was involved in producing this idiotic video clip — thinks using “record scratch” sound effects is a hilariously comedic way to suggest that someone is terribly wrongheaded. Skee-RATCH???) Read more on How Long Before Fox News Ambush Guy Who Donated To Obama Hits Unemployment Line?…
  how is babby formed?

When Dick Morris And Newsmax Love Each Other Very Much …

It has been a month since the Presidential election exposed the rotting flesh of Dick Morris’ underbelly, and he won’t stand by idly while people call him a fool! Morris has just released a super in-depth analysis of why Mitt Romney lost on his ultra snappy website, and it’s not that same old “he got less votes than the other guy” line you’ve heard from pundits who aren’t as good at swimming in their own bullshit. It also isn’t because minorities have increased their share of the vote – no, rest easy good citizens; Dick assures us whites are still important as ever if they’d just GET OUT AND VOTE. (Dick Morris is wrong.) But it is possible — we’re just asking — that Dick Morris’s real purpose in the election wasn’t polling or punditing or whatever it was he thought he was doing, but rather was fleecing people who read Newsmax? People who read Newsmax … like you??? Read more on When Dick Morris And Newsmax Love Each Other Very Much ……
  get rich or die tryin'

Romney’s Market-Based Solutions: Journos Must Pay To Cover His Victory Party

Hello journalistic scum! I guess you thought you’d be able to just show up and “cover” the election-night party of one of the major-party candidates for president, seeing as it’s a “newsworthy” “event.” Well, too bad, suckers! Mitt Romney is a firm believer in the immutable laws of supply and demand, and he won’t “supply” you with room to write about him without “demanding” some cash. Nobody gets to get into the Mittquarters unless they pay up! Read more on Romney’s Market-Based Solutions: Journos Must Pay To Cover His Victory Party…
  playing by the old mccain rules

Mitt Romney Might Be a Little Out of Touch

Mitt Romney is just like you and me, except that he grew up pretty wealthy and went to prep school and Ivy League universities and thus had no problem getting access to the kind of people who could help him earn more money than you or I could ever conceive of earning in a hundred lifetimes. He’s rich! And that makes him better than you. Except when it comes to judging what normal people make. He’s not so great at that. Read more on Mitt Romney Might Be a Little Out of Touch…
  avon calling!

Texas Congressman Pete Olson Is Here to Defend Honor of America, Capitalism, Ladies’ Purse Parties

Question: is the American spirit of entrepreneurship, self-reliance, and rugged individualism so very very delicate that it can’t withstand the weight of a simple declarative sentence? Answer: yes. Yes it is. Luckily, many people, some of them idiots and most of them Republicans, have taken to the internets and airwaves to defend the honor of America, and FREEDOM! Like: this guy! Representative Pete Olson (R-Tex), who took time away from the Beef Caucus, the Rice Caucus, and the Diabetes Caucus (along with a bunch of other caucuses) to type a bunch of stuff for the Hill about entrepreneurial spirit and defend the honor of  those ladies who have purse parties. (No, seriously.) Because is Obama really saying that these nice ladies didn’t “build” their own purse party empires, and how DARE he? Read more on Texas Congressman Pete Olson Is Here to Defend Honor of America, Capitalism, Ladies’ Purse Parties…
  $100 million isn't cool

What’s In Your IRA? Don’t Worry, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Know Either

Oh HI, rapidly aging baby boomers! How is that retirement planning coming? From what we hear, not so hot! Perhaps if America’s baby boomers had been as smart as Mitt Romney and found a way to siphon $100,000,000 (ONE HUNDRED MILLION) into an IRA (individual retirement account to you young ones) in spite of strict caps on contributions, and found tax loopholes to exploit and sent their moneys on exotic vacations to places like Bermuda, they would not have to suckle so hard from the government’s teat and would be able to exercise Personal Responsibility of the kind that Saint Reagan preached. Read more on What’s In Your IRA? Don’t Worry, Mitt Romney Doesn’t Know Either…
  banksters

Romney’s London Money Party Imperiled By Impending Enron-Style Disaster

What is LIBOR, you might be wondering? And who has messed with it? And how exactly will a banking scandal in London have something to do Mitt Romney? Well, what wouldn’t it have to do with Mitt Romney? First things first: LIBOR stands for the London Interbank Offered Rate, and according to the BBC, it is one of the “most crucial rates in finance” because it underpins trillions of dollars in loans and financial contacts, including (OF COURSE!) American mortgages and student loans. And because a bunch of derivatives traders at Barclay have been playing around with this rate and trying to rig it since 2005, your mortgage payments or student loan payments might have been affected this entire time. (Evidence for this rate rigging includes the message “”duuuude… what’s up with ur guys 34.5 3m fix… tell him to get it up!” sent via one trader to another via unknown means. Yes, apparently they talk like this in the U.K. too.) Anyway, this scandal MIGHT (but probably won’t, knowing how these things usually go) lead to the resignation of Barclay’s CEO Bob Diamond, but in the meantime, it has led him to pull out of a Romney fundraiser.  Because surprise surprise, the corrupt CEO of a disgraced financial institution was such a big Romney fan that he was going to host a London fundraiser for the candidate. But it’s cool, Romney understands. Also, lots of other Barclays bankers have donated craploads of money to his campaign and even served as his policy advisers, so it’ll all work out. Read more on Romney’s London Money Party Imperiled By Impending Enron-Style Disaster…