Wonkette

Wonkette Fundraising Operative “Neville” sends us this sad screencap from CNN.com that reveals the true state of Barack Obama’s finances. He has officially raised enough money to buy one gallon of gas and a pack of Old Golds.

In today’s edition of Wonkette Economic Newz(TM), the economy grew by 1% in Q1 2008!!!! The original estimate was still an awesome 0.9%, which was awesomer than Q4 2007’s 0.6%, which was awesome too because HOW CAN A PERFECT ECONOMY EVEN GROW AT ALL? Also, the Dow is down like 300 points and Oil is over $140/barrel and Congress has renamed our economy “Jesus’ Money Thing” because why not. [AP, AP]

• OBAMA OPTS OUT OF PUBLIC CAMPAIGN FINANCE SYSTEM: So he is acting like a Hypocrite, but like a Rich Hypocrite who will swamp John McCain with a billion-ad bonanza come fall. [NYT]

Former first lady Hillary Clinton has until the convention in August to get her money back, her goddamn money for Christ’s sake, but how will she do that? The same way she does everything: by lying. Today she sent an e-mail to supporters, asking, “I hope you’ll take a moment to view our online album with some favorite photos from the campaign.” There are like seven mostly terrible photos, and then, of course, the big red CONTRIBUTE button. So basically she asks you to look at photos of her failed, finished campaign, and then to… give her money for it! Done and done. Also, Hilz ends her e-mail with, “I’ll be in touch soon.” Hooray! [Hillary Clinton]

Sure, Hillary Clinton’s campaign ended like $30 million in the red, but that doesn’t mean our intrepid girl candidate will have to start eating out of soup kitchens. Complicated campaign finance laws and a clever lawyer will somehow manage to spin Hillary’s stack of IOUs into mountains of cash, or at least food stamps, or free tickets to Regal Cinemas, or front-row seats to Mark Penn’s nude public flogging. [Politico]

Hillary Clinton’s campaign has acknowledged that it is $20 million in debt. Who cares? That’s about a fifth of the money she and Bill have made in the last seven years, and Barack will help ease some of it when she quits. She can put a few more weeks on her AmEx if she wants to, and she might as well at this point: Let her run out the rest of the primaries, everyone will decide, and the only thing pushing her out will be her old nemesis, Math, finally set-in-stone. And then she’ll sue and take it to the convention where Al Gore will become president, again. [Washington Post]

From this morning’s ABC “town hall” with Hillary Clinton, about the gas tax holiday:

STEPHANOPOULOS: “But can you name an economist who thinks this makes sense?”
CLINTON: “Well, I’ll tell you what, I’m not going to put my lot in with economists.”

Silly George, the Clintons don’t listen to economists for economic advice. Spanky the Money Octopus tells them all they need to know.

Wonkette Monetary Policy Operative “Lee” sends us welcome news: the U.S. dollar is totally beating the pants off the Kenyan shilling. You’ll recall that Barack Obama’s hometown of Kenya, Africa finally swore in a power-sharing cabinet following two months of violence after a disputed election. So it is nice to hear the American currency has gained “a slight ground” versus the currency of a nation with a 21.8% month-over-month inflation rate and a recent history of grave political instability. [NASDAQ.com]

Marketwatch wants you to cheer up. Well, not all of you, just the ones with investments and money who are freaking out because poor people are rioting over scarce food supplies, millions of foreclosed homes are sitting empty and unsold, and local governments are no longer able to afford police and firefighters to protect rich people from the hordes. What to do? Laugh, that’s what! MORE »

According to a new audit from the Government Accountability Office, the United States of America’s Government has been purchasing iPods, lingerie and other goodies with federal credit cards. About 300,000 federal government employees used purchase cards in 2007. Government purchase cards are like corporate credit cards, except the Corporation is YOU, the AMERICAN TAXPAYER PEOPLE. You and your subprime corporate friends should be ashamed and banished to Spain, with the Moors. MORE »