Mittens is an awful man, and a Mormon. No one likes him beyond the various unemployed welders of Michigan, Tom Tancredo and maybe son Tagg or Craig. He tells lies and he shits plastic. But no cadre of individuals loathes Mittens more than the other Republicans running for president, as the New York Times brilliantly pointed out today. Finally, we can agree with Rudy Giuliani, WALNUTS! and Huckabee about something! Maybe Mitt really is a uniter. MORE »

On Martin Luther King Junior Day, Mitt Romney had more than a question about mangy curs to the African-American community. He also had some… advice. Yes, you know where this is going, and you know it’s a tragically dark place lined with Mormon insecurities: MORE »

To celebrate Martin Luther King Junior Day, Mitt Romney asked a bunch of black people in Florida who let them “dogs” out, and how he might put them back in their cages. “Who, who,” or maybe “Woof, woof,” he continues, depending on his Mormon advisers’ current understanding of Ebonics. Always shifting, they are! [CBS News, YouTube]

Demonic Fox News hero Carl Cameron apparently has a blog. I’m sorry, meant to say VLOG, short for wevlog. Anyway, I found out from Carl Cameron’s Vlog that Fred Thompson is probably done. Check out Cam’ron’s lack of typos: “In recent days he has said he would return to Tenn.visit with his Mom and make a decision about his future.” Regard.less, here’s what Grampa — who’s locked in a “bronze medal battle” with Mittens in South Carolina — really said: “Stay strong.” [Carl Cameron's Vlog, Politico]

*MITT WINS UNIMPORTANT THING FOR REPUBLICANS:* Mittens has won the Nevada caucuses by like 45 points over John McCain and Dr. Ron Paul. Among Democrats, the lady and the Kenyan fellow are neck-and-neck. [CNN]

The most attractive human android on the planet, Olympics Gov. Mitt Romney, wins the award for gayest supporter buttons ever. But at least he’ll save the cars in Detroit by hi-jacking Mexican planes and turning all fetuses into golden Mormon necklaces. That’s his platform. Altavista it. [Getty Image by Stephen Morton]

Campaigning in South Carolina today, Mittens made an effort to distinguish his obviously beyond-reproach campaign by trying to point out to reporters that McCain’s got lobbyists, those bloodsuckers of the American political establishment, on the payroll. His little presser got sidetracked, though, when a reporter pointed out that one of his prominent (unpaid) advisers, Ron Kaufman, works for the prominent lobbying firm Dutko Worldwide. They then fuss and fight and, at the end, some batty old lady tells Mittens that he’s ugly. I just think someone probably needs a nap. [CBS, Politico]

Mittens’ first ad in Florida, “Chairs,” is playing on that new prizewinning theme of his: that people who have been to Washington before won’t know how to “fix Washington.” This will certainly help him beat Florida rival and Old Washington Hand Rudy Giuliani, who was Mayor of the Senate when airplanes hit the Pentagon.

If anything’s NSFW, it’s even thinking about Mitt Romney sexually. Your boss will know. Your boss willl fire you. Don’t portray Mitt Romney sexually, CNN! Who knows what lurks under those magical white garments of silk and iron and grease. [CNN]

Mittens is in a dead heat with WALNUTS! in today’s Republican Michigan primary (they have half of their delegates!) and is pretty much dead if he loses. Well, for a couple weeks until he AmExes a few superdelegates on Super Tubersday. Here’s his pitch to Michigan voters: “It breaks my heart to see us in a one-state recession.” What is this “heart” of which he speaks? Is that Mormon code for “icy rock of death cancers”? [Mitt Romney]

On Mittens’ website, you can send a “personalized greeting from Governor Romney” to someone’s voicemail! Has there ever been a better way to get back at an ex? Only problem — “Mitt” is not among its name database for recipients. Some magically special Mormon mistresses are going to run into trouble. [Mitt Romney]