After that tragic series of events that led to the shuttering of the Mittens “Willard” Romney Campaign 2008, our comically convictionless protagonist campaigned at nine million rallies “for John McCain” and other candidates, a full seven million of which attracted only one attendee, Kathryn Jean Lopez — in booty shorts. Mittens’ extensive travel budget was funded largely by wingnut donations to his Free and Strong America PAC, which he created to “raise money for other Republicans around the country and to promote GOP policies.” Ha ha, why would he bust his ass for that? He wouldn’t! Because now we know that only 12% of the $2.1 million in PAC donations has gone towards helping other candidates. The other 88%, oh where did that go? MIGHT HE NEED MONEY FOR HIMSELF FOR HIS FUTURE? IN SAY… 2012?? Yep, that’s when he’s scheduled his appointment with the plastic surgeon — and boob jobs aren’t cheap. [Boston Globe]

Guess who made a campaign stop in Iowa this morning? Mike Huckabee! Iowa! 2012! It’s the new-new Republican Party, with a platform based on Huckabee’s special blend of a) jesus-y socialism, b) weight-loss schemes, c) playing bass in the Christian Rock band “The Wiggles,” and d) just cold puttin’ down Mitt Romney all the time, because Romney SUX. Also Huckabee is selling his shitty book, about how much he hates Mitt. [CNN]

Hey MIKE HUCKABEE, Mittens “Willard” Romney sees your new book’s disparaging excerpts directed at him and raises you a brisk retort through “Eric” the traveling spokesman! “This type of pettiness is beneath Mike Huckabee… If we’re going to move the party forward, we need to offer more than personal recriminations. Unfortunately, in this book, Mike Huckabee is consumed with presumed slights, and he seems more interested in settling scores than in bringing people together.” Tragically, the “Mitt Camp” is in the right here and will score some 2012 Points on this. A windfall for Mittens! Well howdy doo about that. MORE »

Mike Huckabee was just another fat wingnut Southern emperor until, however many years ago, he realized that he was going to die from the Fat Cancer. He freaked and lost an actual 4,500 pounds and wrote a book about how he became un-fat. It was a success because, for some reason, illiterate people will buy books about such mysterious weight-loss techniques as diet and exercise. This gave him an “in” to run for president; he did better than expected but still lost to Walnuts. But… but now he has another book coming out! It’s about how terrible the Republican party is — you know, his frighteningly unpopular political party! He whines about everyone but throws in a few good words for Cher. MORE »

Here is your hourly dose of Sarah Palin gossip: rumor has it that the leakers now feverishly promoting the most awful tales of her proud ignorance and white trash spending habits are all former Mitt Romney staffers. A whole truckload of these Romney people were hired by the McCain campaign after their guy bowed out of the primaries, and they spent the rest of the race watching sadly as the yokel and the angry old Panamanian failed to say a single intelligent thing about the economy. MORE »

Ha ha FIE ON YOU, JOHN McCAIN, for spurning the robot Mitt Romney in favor of Klingon Sarah Palin! The Mormon plutocrat could have helped McCain solve the financial crisis by selling the entire American economy to Bain Capital and then liquidating it, but noooo, McCain went with the nut instead. And now Mitt Romney is so mad that he cannot bring himself to say that John McCain has run a “dignified” campaign. MORE »

Do you see this, America? If you vote “yes” on California Prop 8, YOU are authorizing Mitt Romney to come into your evil lesbian household and sniff your panties. [YouTube]

WE MISS YOU TOO, MITT: “What happens tonight is that the momentum shifts. It goes from being all Obama to being all McCain. And you’re going to see over the coming days a slow but sure increase in John McCain’s standing and narrowing in the polls. They’re going to be writing about John McCain comeback kid.” [Mitt Romney on Fox News]

Here’s a chart from FiveThirtyEight, the damnable, smartypants, know-it-all site that… oh hell, we read the motherfucker compulsively. This chart shows the net favorability scores of the four candidates based on some recent polls, and as you can see, people are rapidly realizing that Sarah Palin is a rather unsavory character — her numbers last week were about 10-15 points higher. So much for the happy times, Sarah; it is the happy times we will miss. So is it too late for Walnuts to shake this gal and throw Mitt “Willard” Romney in there? One can only dream… MORE »

We were all jealous of Wonkette videographer Liz Glover after seeing this Polaroid she took with America’s beautiful boy, Mitt “Willard” Romney. That is one tasty-lookin’ fraud salad! Liz claims that they never hooked up, but she doesn’t realize that in Mormonism, a handshake is considered third base. Also: Liz — like most people who, in some fashion, have worked for Gawker Media in the past — has been doing some work for the Radar blog, so help a sister out and watch this interview she did with Spike Lee in Denver. [Radar]

Our best friend Mittens Romney must be so relieved that the old coot called him with a “no” for veep this year. Who’d want to be on the losingest loser ticket ever, in 2008? Sarah Palin would, sooo… yeah. Anyway, let’s see what Mitt Romney has to say and his Kumming & Going in his famously magical underpants, in Minnesota. We bet that he’ll LIE a few times, hmm? MORE »