Tag Archives: mitt romney

  Lifestyle Pages

Mitt Romney Meets With Old Campaign Chums For No Special Reason, Why Do You Ask?

Mitt Romney gives a lecture about 2016 election at Stanford University. Pic by Stelio Ropokis via Twitter Mitt Romney has been keeping busy since our wayward nation made the biggest mistake of her life by walking away from the blissful comfort of his mechanical, Downy-scented embrace two years ago. Mitt is the forgiving type and has remained in the background of our political lives, just being our friend, because he would hate to think he and the American voters couldn’t be friends anymore. And he’s been meeting up with some of his best buds who, by total coincidence, played integral roles in his last run for president, just to say hi. Read more on Mitt Romney Meets With Old Campaign Chums For No Special Reason, Why Do You Ask?…
  MittWatch '16

Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again

Mitt Romney's advisers try to talk the candidate into another run after his crushing 2012 loss.
Business Insider has yet another entry in the ongoing saga that is MittWatch ’16. Another “member” of the “inner circle” of that cock tease the Duke of Salt Lake, Willard Mitochondria Phlegmatic Hustings Coffeepot Romney XII, leaks that the Rombot met this past week in New York with “key financial backers” of his past losing campaigns. Which means he is probably definitely likely running for president again in 2016. Or he’s a rich retired guy jetting around the country to enjoy the perks of being a rich retired guy, like watching a New York Jets game from the owner’s skybox at the team’s stadium. Which, considering it’s the Jets and the stadium is in New Jersey, doesn’t sound to us like a perk. It sounds like one of Dante’s more minor circles. Read more on Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again…
  please shut the piehole already

People Continue Enabling Mitt Romney’s Belief That He Is Still Relevant For Some Reason

Ha ha! Hair gel!
Usually when a candidate for president gets crushed in the election like a vat of grapes in an I Love Lucy episode, he has the decency to disappear from public view, maybe take up a cause like building houses for the poor (Jimmy Carter) or global warming (Al Gore) or returning to the Senate to yell at the person who beat him to get off his lawn (John McCain). Read more on People Continue Enabling Mitt Romney’s Belief That He Is Still Relevant For Some Reason…
  The third rail of comedy

Wingnuts Find The One Thing That’s Not Funny, And It Is Mitt Romney

We are all sad today
In the rightwing world, there are a lot of things that are HI-larious and worthy of mockery. Encouraging kids to carve a coal plant in their pumpkins to really stick it to these tree-huggers at the Department of Energy? Funny! Calling a lady jet fighter “boobs on the ground”? Even funnier! Asking if Sandra Fluke is engaged to a man because something something slutty lesbian something? Classic comedy! Calling Texas state Sen. Wendy Davis “Abortion Barbie”? Highbrow humor. (Because she is a blonde lady, just like Barbie, and she cares about abortion rights. Get it? It’s pretty sophisticated.) Suggesting Putin should be our new president since that pansy-ass tyrant Obama is such a pansy-ass tyrant? Hardy har har. Oh wait, they were serious about that one. Read more on Wingnuts Find The One Thing That’s Not Funny, And It Is Mitt Romney…
  bqhatevwr

Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President

Nope, wrong again
Roll your eyes with us, won’t you please, at the latest steaming pile of stupid from former Sen. Scott Brown (R-Whatever State Will Take Him): “Gosh can you imagine if Mitt was the president right now?” Brown said. “He was right on Russia, he was right on Obamacare, he was right on the economy. And I guarantee you we would not be worrying about Ebola right now and, you know, worrying about our foreign policy screw ups.” Gosh, Scott, we really can’t imagine that. Because Mitt can’t get himself elected president no matter how many time he tries. Hell, he can’t even get himself elected dogcatcher. In fact, he especially can’t get himself elected dogcatcher. Read more on Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President…
  Loser Romney Still Loser ... With Mayo

Mitt Romney Finds Entirely New Explanation For ’47 Percent’ Remarks, In Own Ass

Ah, mittens, come on back and tell us all about it
Now that Mitt Romney has let it be known through “supporters” and “his wife” that he is definitely serious about not winning the White House at least one more time, he is also letting it be known that he has learned some things from the last multiple times he did not win the White House. Read more on Mitt Romney Finds Entirely New Explanation For ’47 Percent’ Remarks, In Own Ass…
  dancing horse race politics

Mitt Romney Totally Gonna Run Again In 2016; Wonkette Erections To Never Subside

Will we have Mitt Romney to kick around in 2016 after all? Lately the Romney camp and its allies have been floating so many trial balloons with the conservative media you could attach gondolas and sell tickets for the ride. And we’d buy those tickets, because how much fun would we have watching the Earl of Braintree, His Lord High Hairgel Willington Mittens Forsooth Toothpaste VIII, stumbling his way through a third losing presidential campaign? All of the fun, people. All of it. Read more on Mitt Romney Totally Gonna Run Again In 2016; Wonkette Erections To Never Subside…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Ted Cruz Will Defend Your TV-Watching Rights And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He went to law school so he knows law stuff
Today’s news is filled with Dudes Who Will Never Be President. Also science. And a special Yr Editrix treat for morning dessert! Did you know your God-given uninalienableable rights to watch teevee are under attack? Be grateful Sen. Ted Cruz, who will never be president, is here to make sure Actual President Obama can never pry your teevee from your cold dead hands: Read more on Ted Cruz Will Defend Your TV-Watching Rights And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Mitt Romney Is STILL Never Going To Be President, Pot Saves Lives, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

It is a day. Of the week. Here is some news: Mitt Romney gave an interview to Hugh Hewitt. He promised really a lot that he is not going to try to not be president for a third time, really, he swears, unless the entire Republican Party that never liked him begs him to run and lose again, pretty please, with a cherry on top. That is not going to happen. People are talking about it anyway. He’s still not going to be president. The end. Read more on Mitt Romney Is STILL Never Going To Be President, Pot Saves Lives, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Sore Loser Mitt Romney Is Still Sore Loser, Lesbian Feminists Will Destroy Us All, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Still not president
Yes, it’s Friday. You’re welcome. Sore loser Mitt Romney is still sore loser: “I was not a big fan of the president’s policies, as you know, either domestically or internationally,” Romney said, according to Fox News. “But the results of his mistakes and errors, in my opinion, have been more severe than even I would have predicted.” Read more on Sore Loser Mitt Romney Is Still Sore Loser, Lesbian Feminists Will Destroy Us All, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  reindeer games

Kerry Bentivolio’s Wild Reindeer Ride Through Congress Is Almost Over

Kerry Bentivolio
In Kerry Bentivolio‘s short legislative career, brought to you by the staggering incompetence and possible sabotage of the dunces on his predecessor’s campaign staff, the reindeer-wrangler-turned-congressman has fought for his tea party values, dreamed dreams of impeachment, and promised to look into which shadowy forces in particular are behind these nefarious chemtrails afflicting the population. Now the truth about the government’s secretive Death From Above program might never be known, so we hope the 11th Congressional District of Michigan is pleased with itself: on Tuesday night, Kerry Bentivolio lost his primary by 32 points. The Wonkette Preemptive Nostalgia Desk now presents a look back at the Accidental Congressman’s unlikely trot through the lower chamber. Read more on Kerry Bentivolio’s Wild Reindeer Ride Through Congress Is Almost Over…
  where's the teeth?

Here Is A Picture Of Mitt Romney’s Grandchildren Inside A Giant Vagina

Mitt Romney went camping and he was all blah blah blah the American West and air conditioning and there’s nothing more important than family, also the Ukraine. Honestly, you don’t need to read it, it is boring and lame and it doesn’t even say anything unintentionally hilarious and his wife Egg didn’t even say anything about how UNLIKE MICHELLE OBAMA, she loves her family. Good god, that woman is a fucking cunt. Read more on Here Is A Picture Of Mitt Romney’s Grandchildren Inside A Giant Vagina…
  the tyranny of choice

Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now

Reince Priebus tweeted out an invitation today to go “Pick who you want to be the next president,” via the RNC’s excellent new survey toy. And what a broad selection of fine candidates there is, even though no one’s announced yet, even at this late date. The choices include people who will almost definitely run (Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio), some last hurrah losers of previous campaigns (Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum), as well as some solid “Who’s that again?” names for the veepstakes (Mike Pence, Brian Sandoval). And then there’s a few people we’d love to see in the race solely because they’d be excellent sources of blog posts (John Bolton, Sarah Palin, Allen West). But where’s Elder Statesman Mitt Romney? Read more on Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now…
  clipbait

John Oliver Laughs At Your American Dream (Video)

Here’s what we love about John Oliver and the writing staff at Last Week Tonight: they have a real knack for taking issues that seem dry and unfunny, and then exploring them creatively and in depth, all the while bringing the ha-has, too. And so this week he tackles income inequality, or as Fox News calls it, Class Warfare. There’s a simple test to see where you fall on the income inequality spectrum, he says: Are you paying for HBO or stealing it? What’s especially galling in America is the extent to which people who are never going to be in the top tax brackets are so willing to support policies that are designed to help the rich get even richer; Oliver notes that our willingness to act against common sense is rooted in one of our best national traits, our optimism, which makes us susceptible to a huckster like Marco Rubio saying that there are no “haves and have-nots” in America, only “haves and soon-to-haves, people who have made it and people who will make it.” And so we simultaneously think that our system is unfair and we can’t wait until we get to be rich exploiters too: “I can clearly see this game is rigged. Which is what’s gonna make it so sweet when I win this thing, whooo!!” Read more on John Oliver Laughs At Your American Dream (Video)…
  if being wrong is wrong she don't wanna be right

John McCain And Jennifer Rubin Sittin’ In A Tree, Being W-R-O-N-G

Oh, golly, John McCain. You probably should have given this a bit more thought, maybe. When Jennifer Rubin says that you and the other two “amigos,” Kelly Ayotte and Martin Short Lindsey Graham, are “distinguished pols of the week,” because she thinks you’ve “been right about a lot of things lately,” that’s not necessarily the kind of achievement you especially want to brag about. Read more on John McCain And Jennifer Rubin Sittin’ In A Tree, Being W-R-O-N-G…
  reunited and it feels so good

Are You Ready For Make-Up Sex With Mitt Romney, America?

America, are you ready to take a chance again? Are you ready to have the white-hot flames of passion lick at your nether regions? Are you pining for a real man who will sweep you off your feet? Are you wishing you’d never lost that lovin’ feeling? Then America, you are so ready for the Mitt Romney resurgence. Yes, Mitt is back, baby, and he is blander than ever. Read more on Are You Ready For Make-Up Sex With Mitt Romney, America?…
  history repeating

Mormons Gonna Kick It Old School By Excommunicating People, Probably

Remember how back in 2012 or so the Mormons decided to be kinder gentler Mormons, and you had to endure one million of those billboards with a carefully curated racially diverse selection of Mormons? And they had to be racially diverse ads because of that whole thing where Mormons didn’t let black people be priests until thirty-five years ago. And all the teevee ads? SO MANY TEEVEE ADS. We were just beginning to feel all warm and fuzzy about Mormons, but then they had to go and remind us that they didn’t forget how to be dicks and are totally gonna get their excommunication on. Read more on Mormons Gonna Kick It Old School By Excommunicating People, Probably…
  don't go away mad just go away

It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again

Mitt Romney, who just can’t take no for an answer and may need to be told no yet again, has apparently grown tired of pretending to be “severely conservative.” It didn’t work for him so well in 2012, when he ran on his platform of “Ew, the poors!” so it seems he’s plagiarizing a page from John McCain’s playbook by acting all mavericky and taking a position contrary to today’s Republican Party. (This is definitely a wise choice, given how well that worked for McCain in 2008, but shhhh, don’t tell Mitt.) “I, for instance, as you know, part company with many of the conservatives in my party on the issue of the minimum wage,” Romney said in a Friday appearance on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.” “I think we ought to raise it. Because frankly, our party is all about more jobs and better pay.” Oooooh! Ahhhhh! So brave. So bold. So principled. Let us take a moment to admire Mitt for having the courage to defiantly defy his party so defiantly by standing up for what he so frankly believes in. Okay, moment’s over: It didn’t get much notice amid the buildup to Super Tuesday. But after conservative outcry over his support for raising the minimum wage, Mitt Romney quietly reversed his position this week. “There’s probably not a need to raise the minimum wage,” the Republican front-runner told CNBC’s Larry Kudlow on Monday. Now let’s take a moment to roll our eyes at forever flip-flopping Mitt because OF COURSE. Read more on It Has Been Five Minutes, So Mitt Romney Is Flip-Flopping On Something Again…
  having a ball

Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles

Oh man, guys, this Cliven Bundy thing is getting out of control. Despite his blatant racism and strong desire for the government to keep their hands off his welfare cattle, Cliven Bundy STILL has supporters. And not only do they support Bundy being a total moocher, they HATE Harry Reid. And now, these ‘domestic terrorists’ have gone one step too far: They have threatened Harry Reid’s wrinkly, hairy old-man yarbles. NOT HIS YARBLES!!1! Per Mediaite: [Mike] Vanderboegh presented an award “for incitement to civil war” in Reid’s honor and warned the senator, “Don’t poke the wolverine with a sharp stick, Harry, unless you want your balls ripped off.” We are asking Wonketeers to take one of two actions: Either send Harry Reid wolverine-resistant jock straps, or donate to the Wonket Fund To Protect Harry Reid’s Wrinkly Old-Man Nutsack (Suggested donation: $2, one for each yarble).  Read more on Cliven Bundy Supporter Threatens Harry Reid’s Magnificent Yarbles…