Tag Archives: mitt romney

  and everyone gets a dancing horse

America, Baby, Mitt Romney Swears It Will Be Different This Time If You Take Him Back

Ha ha! I still suck!
We might be changing our minds about another presidential campaign by His Royalness Mittens Holstein Benghazi Dishwasher Romnibus XVIII, because it means at least 18 more months of stories like this. Are we really prepared for a year and a half or more of Mitt, his wife Egg, his advisers, and some combination of his sons Trick, Trunk, Glob, Shank, and Smudge claiming over and over that had we voted for the Borin’ Mormon in 2012, Islamic terrorists and Vladimir Putin would be spending their days dressing up like court jesters and dancing for His Majesty’s amusement in the White House East Room while Americans enjoy full employment and gas so cheap that oil companies pay them to fill up their cars? Read more on America, Baby, Mitt Romney Swears It Will Be Different This Time If You Take Him Back…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Mitt, You Said You Were Done. Really, You Did (Video)

Rachel is nobody's beard
Remember when Al Gore left office in 2001, went to Europe for a while, and came back with a beard? Rachel Maddow notes that in “our modern fake political science,” the beard meant Gore was finished with politics, or at least formal runs for office. Rachel briefly reviews some notable examples of the “dashed presidential aspirations beard” in recent years, and notes that one Willard Mittington Hi-Hi Puffy AmiYumi McBoingBoing Romney never grew a beard after he lost in 2012, which means that technically, he has never conceded. Even so, considering all the flat declarations at the time that he was done, absolutely done, with presidential politics, it’s a surprise that he’s making all these “Yeah, I’ll run” noises now. This is the guy who, when the New York Times asked him in 2013 if he’d consider running a third time, seemed fairly certain: “Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.” Read more on Morning Maddow: Mitt, You Said You Were Done. Really, You Did (Video)…
  Here have some news n stuff

Donald Trump Will Sue The Sh*t Out Of You, All Of You, Everywhere, Shut Up Is Why

The baby probably thought he was screaming anyway.
Donald Trump wants ALL the millions of U.S. American dollars because there are airplanes making airplanes noises in the privately owned sky over HIS mansion. True story! CNNMoney reports that Trump has filed a lawsuit against Palm Beach County, as well as Super Meanie Bruce Pelly, the local airport’s director, because Trump and his lawyers think the whole world is against him and he wants $100 million NOW: Read more on Donald Trump Will Sue The Sh*t Out Of You, All Of You, Everywhere, Shut Up Is Why…
  Whiners Hall of Fame Class of '15

Liberals Succeed In Dastardly Plot To Oppress Rich Sportsballer Curt Schilling

Poor baby
There’s no crying in baseball — but Curt Schilling is retired now so he’s free to cry and whine and moan and play the victim all he wants. After all, that’s America’s true favorite pastime, if you’re a Republican. Which Schilling is, and he’s just sure everyone knows it, and he’s just sure that’s why he wasn’t voted into the Hall of Fame. Read more on Liberals Succeed In Dastardly Plot To Oppress Rich Sportsballer Curt Schilling…
  Lifestyle Pages

Mitt Romney Meets With Old Campaign Chums For No Special Reason, Why Do You Ask?

Mitt Romney gives a lecture about 2016 election at Stanford University. Pic by Stelio Ropokis via Twitter Mitt Romney has been keeping busy since our wayward nation made the biggest mistake of her life by walking away from the blissful comfort of his mechanical, Downy-scented embrace two years ago. Mitt is the forgiving type and has remained in the background of our political lives, just being our friend, because he would hate to think he and the American voters couldn’t be friends anymore. And he’s been meeting up with some of his best buds who, by total coincidence, played integral roles in his last run for president, just to say hi. Read more on Mitt Romney Meets With Old Campaign Chums For No Special Reason, Why Do You Ask?…
  MittWatch '16

Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again

Mitt Romney's advisers try to talk the candidate into another run after his crushing 2012 loss.
Business Insider has yet another entry in the ongoing saga that is MittWatch ’16. Another “member” of the “inner circle” of that cock tease the Duke of Salt Lake, Willard Mitochondria Phlegmatic Hustings Coffeepot Romney XII, leaks that the Rombot met this past week in New York with “key financial backers” of his past losing campaigns. Which means he is probably definitely likely running for president again in 2016. Or he’s a rich retired guy jetting around the country to enjoy the perks of being a rich retired guy, like watching a New York Jets game from the owner’s skybox at the team’s stadium. Which, considering it’s the Jets and the stadium is in New Jersey, doesn’t sound to us like a perk. It sounds like one of Dante’s more minor circles. Read more on Mitt Romney Still A Dumb Jerk, Some More, Again…
  please shut the piehole already

People Continue Enabling Mitt Romney’s Belief That He Is Still Relevant For Some Reason

Ha ha! Hair gel!
Usually when a candidate for president gets crushed in the election like a vat of grapes in an I Love Lucy episode, he has the decency to disappear from public view, maybe take up a cause like building houses for the poor (Jimmy Carter) or global warming (Al Gore) or returning to the Senate to yell at the person who beat him to get off his lawn (John McCain). Read more on People Continue Enabling Mitt Romney’s Belief That He Is Still Relevant For Some Reason…
  The third rail of comedy

Wingnuts Find The One Thing That’s Not Funny, And It Is Mitt Romney

We are all sad today
In the rightwing world, there are a lot of things that are HI-larious and worthy of mockery. Encouraging kids to carve a coal plant in their pumpkins to really stick it to these tree-huggers at the Department of Energy? Funny! Calling a lady jet fighter “boobs on the ground”? Even funnier! Asking if Sandra Fluke is engaged to a man because something something slutty lesbian something? Classic comedy! Calling Texas state Sen. Wendy Davis “Abortion Barbie”? Highbrow humor. (Because she is a blonde lady, just like Barbie, and she cares about abortion rights. Get it? It’s pretty sophisticated.) Suggesting Putin should be our new president since that pansy-ass tyrant Obama is such a pansy-ass tyrant? Hardy har har. Oh wait, they were serious about that one. Read more on Wingnuts Find The One Thing That’s Not Funny, And It Is Mitt Romney…
  bqhatevwr

Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President

Nope, wrong again
Roll your eyes with us, won’t you please, at the latest steaming pile of stupid from former Sen. Scott Brown (R-Whatever State Will Take Him): “Gosh can you imagine if Mitt was the president right now?” Brown said. “He was right on Russia, he was right on Obamacare, he was right on the economy. And I guarantee you we would not be worrying about Ebola right now and, you know, worrying about our foreign policy screw ups.” Gosh, Scott, we really can’t imagine that. Because Mitt can’t get himself elected president no matter how many time he tries. Hell, he can’t even get himself elected dogcatcher. In fact, he especially can’t get himself elected dogcatcher. Read more on Scott Brown: We Wouldn’t Have Ebola If Mitt Was President…
  Loser Romney Still Loser ... With Mayo

Mitt Romney Finds Entirely New Explanation For ’47 Percent’ Remarks, In Own Ass

Ah, mittens, come on back and tell us all about it
Now that Mitt Romney has let it be known through “supporters” and “his wife” that he is definitely serious about not winning the White House at least one more time, he is also letting it be known that he has learned some things from the last multiple times he did not win the White House. Read more on Mitt Romney Finds Entirely New Explanation For ’47 Percent’ Remarks, In Own Ass…
  dancing horse race politics

Mitt Romney Totally Gonna Run Again In 2016; Wonkette Erections To Never Subside

Will we have Mitt Romney to kick around in 2016 after all? Lately the Romney camp and its allies have been floating so many trial balloons with the conservative media you could attach gondolas and sell tickets for the ride. And we’d buy those tickets, because how much fun would we have watching the Earl of Braintree, His Lord High Hairgel Willington Mittens Forsooth Toothpaste VIII, stumbling his way through a third losing presidential campaign? All of the fun, people. All of it. Read more on Mitt Romney Totally Gonna Run Again In 2016; Wonkette Erections To Never Subside…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Ted Cruz Will Defend Your TV-Watching Rights And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He went to law school so he knows law stuff
Today’s news is filled with Dudes Who Will Never Be President. Also science. And a special Yr Editrix treat for morning dessert! Did you know your God-given uninalienableable rights to watch teevee are under attack? Be grateful Sen. Ted Cruz, who will never be president, is here to make sure Actual President Obama can never pry your teevee from your cold dead hands: Read more on Ted Cruz Will Defend Your TV-Watching Rights And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Mitt Romney Is STILL Never Going To Be President, Pot Saves Lives, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

It is a day. Of the week. Here is some news: Mitt Romney gave an interview to Hugh Hewitt. He promised really a lot that he is not going to try to not be president for a third time, really, he swears, unless the entire Republican Party that never liked him begs him to run and lose again, pretty please, with a cherry on top. That is not going to happen. People are talking about it anyway. He’s still not going to be president. The end. Read more on Mitt Romney Is STILL Never Going To Be President, Pot Saves Lives, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Sore Loser Mitt Romney Is Still Sore Loser, Lesbian Feminists Will Destroy Us All, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Still not president
Yes, it’s Friday. You’re welcome. Sore loser Mitt Romney is still sore loser: “I was not a big fan of the president’s policies, as you know, either domestically or internationally,” Romney said, according to Fox News. “But the results of his mistakes and errors, in my opinion, have been more severe than even I would have predicted.” Read more on Sore Loser Mitt Romney Is Still Sore Loser, Lesbian Feminists Will Destroy Us All, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  reindeer games

Kerry Bentivolio’s Wild Reindeer Ride Through Congress Is Almost Over

Kerry Bentivolio
In Kerry Bentivolio‘s short legislative career, brought to you by the staggering incompetence and possible sabotage of the dunces on his predecessor’s campaign staff, the reindeer-wrangler-turned-congressman has fought for his tea party values, dreamed dreams of impeachment, and promised to look into which shadowy forces in particular are behind these nefarious chemtrails afflicting the population. Now the truth about the government’s secretive Death From Above program might never be known, so we hope the 11th Congressional District of Michigan is pleased with itself: on Tuesday night, Kerry Bentivolio lost his primary by 32 points. The Wonkette Preemptive Nostalgia Desk now presents a look back at the Accidental Congressman’s unlikely trot through the lower chamber. Read more on Kerry Bentivolio’s Wild Reindeer Ride Through Congress Is Almost Over…
  where's the teeth?

Here Is A Picture Of Mitt Romney’s Grandchildren Inside A Giant Vagina

Mitt Romney went camping and he was all blah blah blah the American West and air conditioning and there’s nothing more important than family, also the Ukraine. Honestly, you don’t need to read it, it is boring and lame and it doesn’t even say anything unintentionally hilarious and his wife Egg didn’t even say anything about how UNLIKE MICHELLE OBAMA, she loves her family. Good god, that woman is a fucking cunt. Read more on Here Is A Picture Of Mitt Romney’s Grandchildren Inside A Giant Vagina…
  the tyranny of choice

Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now

Reince Priebus tweeted out an invitation today to go “Pick who you want to be the next president,” via the RNC’s excellent new survey toy. And what a broad selection of fine candidates there is, even though no one’s announced yet, even at this late date. The choices include people who will almost definitely run (Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio), some last hurrah losers of previous campaigns (Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum), as well as some solid “Who’s that again?” names for the veepstakes (Mike Pence, Brian Sandoval). And then there’s a few people we’d love to see in the race solely because they’d be excellent sources of blog posts (John Bolton, Sarah Palin, Allen West). But where’s Elder Statesman Mitt Romney? Read more on Why Wait For The Primaries? GOP 2016 Poll Lets You Pick Terrible Candidates Now…
  clipbait

John Oliver Laughs At Your American Dream (Video)

Here’s what we love about John Oliver and the writing staff at Last Week Tonight: they have a real knack for taking issues that seem dry and unfunny, and then exploring them creatively and in depth, all the while bringing the ha-has, too. And so this week he tackles income inequality, or as Fox News calls it, Class Warfare. There’s a simple test to see where you fall on the income inequality spectrum, he says: Are you paying for HBO or stealing it? What’s especially galling in America is the extent to which people who are never going to be in the top tax brackets are so willing to support policies that are designed to help the rich get even richer; Oliver notes that our willingness to act against common sense is rooted in one of our best national traits, our optimism, which makes us susceptible to a huckster like Marco Rubio saying that there are no “haves and have-nots” in America, only “haves and soon-to-haves, people who have made it and people who will make it.” And so we simultaneously think that our system is unfair and we can’t wait until we get to be rich exploiters too: “I can clearly see this game is rigged. Which is what’s gonna make it so sweet when I win this thing, whooo!!” Read more on John Oliver Laughs At Your American Dream (Video)…