When you heard the news about Mitt Romney being terribly disrespectful to Sarah Palin by suggesting she’s only important because she’s purty, you probably wondered what this Alaskan “mama bear” would do about it. MORE »

Most people, if asked, can say a lot of things about Sarah Palin: she’s snowbilly trash, human garbage, a religious nutball who protects the American airspace from Putin’s rearing head, a fake celebrity, a proudly ignorant “mean girl” who never should have won a promotion beyond head of her local neighborhood association, etc. But most politicians, if asked, cannot say any of these true things, so they fall back on what they believe to be an innocuous remark about her looks. MORE »

Of all the comical failed Republican presidential candidates from the year aught-eight, none tugged at our heartstrings more than Mitt Romney, who lost $40 million of his own money in his fruitless quest to persuade people to like him. By 2012, he will have recouped all his losses by doubling down in America’s hot real estate and financial sectors, and he will have zillions more to spend on becoming conservative voters’ business-minded, slightly deranged alternative to the clinically insane grandmother of eleven, Sarah Palin. Mary Matalin says Romney’s going to run, and we all know she gets her information straight from the horse’s mouth (i.e. Cheney’s anus), so quod erat demonstrandum, etc. [AP]

Every year at the Conservative Political Action Conference, flocks of angry young nerds vote on who would make the best president. Every year Mittens “Willard” Romney wins this so-called presidential straw poll, and some years he even runs for “actual” president! He has yet to win, but Republicans’ extremely rigid rules of succession dictate that he at least give it another humiliating whirl in 2012 while Bobby Jindal is groomed for greatness in 2016. MORE »

Looks like the illegal Mexican “help” have gone a BRIDGE TOO FAR this time… [YouTube]

• ROBOT Magazine February centerfold Nate Silver has predicted that Slumdog Millionare will be the new senator from Minnesota. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Republicans are telling slanderous lies about Nevadan God of Impotence Harry Reid’s high-speed casino-to-Hollywood ambitions. [Matthew Yglesias]
• Michelle Obama has bought the penny a fancy new look from J.Crew. The coin will now feature a photo-diary of Lincoln’s many houses, including: a log cabin, a wooden log presumably just adjacent to a log cabin, the “White House”, and the Capitol Building. [Top of the Ticket]
• Mittens the (Fat) Cat is selling half (1/2) of his retainer of barionial estates, namely his haunted forest ski sanctuary and his Boston pied a terre. [AMERICAblog]
• International gerrymanderer Barack Obama has recently purchased the territory of Uzbekistan and will probably make it our 51st state. [RedState]

The D.C. intelligentsia already read the Washington Times religiously to stay abreast of our old pal Liz Glover’s encounters with celebrities such as John King, who wore a custom-made suit to some event or another. But! Now there is another reason to read the Times! That reason is called “Mitt Romney.” He will participate in a series of columns by Republican luminaries about reinventing conservatism, presumably through such bold measures as “restoring the legacy of Ronald Reagan” and “abolishing government.” [Boston Globe]

[YouTube]

• Some states, including some you might actually live in like New York, are trying to introduce an online sales tax to things like iTunes, Amazon, and pornography sites like “XX Factor” etc. [AMERICAblog]
• Obama will select a Columbia/Harvard pal of his, “Orange” Julius “Caesar” “Salad” Genachowski, to be the new chairman of the FCC. [The Caucus]
• George Bush is the most popular human of all time in Sudan, Israel, Georgia (the Georgia that did not actually elect him) and some other places. [Daily Beast]
• Dick Cheney will maybe write a book! One that will settle “a few scores.” What “scores” did he possibly leave unsettled, or alive? [Top of the Ticket]
• Mitt Romney would still like to be considered for the position of John McCain’s losing Vice President. [CNN Political Ticker]

Ha ha, Mitt Romney made a funny! The Wall Street Journal asked him about his New Year’s resolutions, and he said he had decided to “stop wearing a suit and tie to bed.” Silly Mitt, everyone knows his head falls off if you remove the tie. [WSJ]

Now that it’s officially pre-2009, we can start guiltlessly recycling all the material we’ve already written into Top Ten Posts. Today’s took a surprisingly long time to compile. It seemed like a good idea to look at all the funny terms we used to describe our Political Enemies, and it turns out that phrases like “rancid shit-sack,” “vulgar fraud,” “human garbage,” and “cretin” turn up with shocking frequency around these parts. So, after the jump, a painstakingly culled collection of our favorite mean phrases we used to describe objectionable people such as Joe the Plumber, Eliot Spitzer, and of course our all-time favorite, the humanoid sewer-pipe and self-professed eternal virgin Joe Lieberman. MORE »