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Posts Tagged “Mitt Romney”

the republican primary

15,000+ Indianans Voted For Mitt Romney Today

Can you imagine waking up in Indiana this morning, eating breakfast, maybe walkin' the ol' dog, not showering, getting in your car, driving to the local elementary school to vote in the Republican primary — the party that chose its nominee months ago! — signing in, showing your ID, getting into the booth and pulling the lever for Mitt "Willard" Romney? Can you imagine doing that? Can you imagine being that person, and having to live that person's life every single day?

barbarians at the gate

Wacky Paultards Ruin Nevada GOP Convention

With nothing better to do these days, Ron Paul and his crazed followers bum-rushed the Nevada Republican Convention in Reno on Saturday — and they upended the whole process, which was supposed to be an "Oh well let's give our Romney support to McCain since he is apparently the nominee." They voted to change the party's rules and seize the state's delegates for Dr. Congressman Ron Paul! Hilarious! Then, convention chairman Bob Beers shut down the whole event, claiming the Peppermill Casino was going to kick them out for continuing beyond 5 p.m., which was a total lie, so the Paultards tried to kill him, and he barely escaped with his life! More »

mittens

Mitt Romney Calls Al Gore Fat

Last night was the annual Radio/Television Correspondents Association Dinner in Washington, where all the famous teevee stars and radio voices come and make dumb jokes with the Feds. And who was there but Mittens "Mitt" Romney, our favorite hilarious presidential candidate from 2007. And for the first time, he was actually *trying* to be funny. He did this by interrupting some poor CBS news guy and then giving a top 10 list. He calls Al Gore "fat" and it's mean, because Al Gore is going to be president again. Video below. More »

odd couples

Rove Backs Romney's Push For VP

Huzzah, the merciful Angel Maroni has spoken to Mitt Romney and instructed him to lobby hard for the Vice Presidential nod, making a comical jackass of himself as he attempts to become the running mate of the man who despises him above all others. And now two Republican party elders have joined Romney in this embarrassing quest: Karl Rove and former President George Bush. More »

photo tours

America's Winning Response to Eight Years of Bush & Cheney

Mitt Romney joined his "successful" nemesis John McCain on the campaign trail yesterday, and they raised some cash from Mormon Fat Cats and other mountain men in Denver and Salt Lake City. They even rode together on John McCain's stupid little plane. But Mitt wants to be McCain's vice president, and McCain wants to woo the "Romney Wing" of the Republican party — Space Elves — so they had to play it nice for the cameramen. Look at how gay they were with each other yesterday, ha ha! The full gay photo tour, after the jump. More »

mittens

Mitt and McCain Hit The Trail Together

America's most believed ex-presidential candidate, Mittens "Mitt" Romney, is joining Maverick candidate John McCain on a fundraising tour through the "mountain west," starting today. They hate each after a brutal campaign where each lied and smeared the other to no end, although John McCain is, again, a Maverick, and Mittens wants to be his vice president. More »

animal abuse

Now Everyone Can Torture Dogs Just Like Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney's got a big problem! He squandered his family's wealth on a doomed campaign to be the liberal Mormon president, but he's got five hungry sons to feed and no identifiable source of income. What to do? In trying times, experts say it's best to find something you really enjoy, and then think of a way to turn that into a career. Trouble is, Mitt only loves counting money and torturing dogs while driving his car. More »

mittens

Romney Secretly Taking Over Republican Earth!

Who knows where Mittens goes? Marc Ambinder knows, Marc Ambinder knows: "According to two Republicans with knowledge of his plans, Romney, at some point during the next few weeks, intends to establish a new political action committee to help elect Republican candidates." So Romney is going to raise money for all of the Republican candidates, campaign for them, and then buy their brains for the 2012 primary, in which he will also place third. And then, this: "Other Republicans close to Romney said that Romney was looking for ways to position himself as the ideas factory for the Republican party over the next four years..." This might be the only way for the Republican party to lose even more convictions. [Marc Ambinder]

COME BACK, MITT! Mitt Romney has returned from his every-seven-years Mormon Hibernation to announce that he will be proud to join John McCain's losing ticket in November. Mitt said on teevee tonight that he'd be "honored" to be McCain's veep candidate, but McCain hates Romney's guts and has even called him a "pig." Both are hated by conservatives, patriots and people who worship Real Jesus™. [NYT Caucus]

monsters

Missing The Republican Candidates, A Retrospective



Thanks to the Young Turks for making the video that will heal America: a retrospective of our dearly departed Republican candidates. God, these guys were fun. Fortunately, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney will probably run again in four or eight years, and those candidacies will probably launch in a few months. In the meantime, vote in our poll for which monster you miss the most. More »

mormon jesus on his side

Mitt Romney Will Still Be Our President

Even a creepy liberal Mormon super-millionaire is starting to look pretty good to Republican voters now that John “The Mexican Lobbyist” McCain is almost the nominee. That’s why one of Mitt Romney’s many sons now says it’s “possible” that Mitt will return to claim his rightful place as the guy who will lose to Barack Obama in November. Romney only suspended his campaign, so he’s still got those 300+ delegates he purchased at such a fortune-depleting price. [LAT Top of the Ticket]

ANOTHER FUN FACT ABOUT PERVERT LEGISLATOR ROBERT MCKEE: He was on the Romney for President Maryland Steering Committee. Or as he probably called it in his head, Mustache Rides For Mittens. [Mitt Romney]

the mittens endorsement

McCain Thanks Romney With Implicit Hatred

John McCain hates Mitt Romney with the passion of the gods. So how does he show his appreciation for Romney’s official endorsement today? By saying Mittens made him “a better candidate,” with those hilarious lies and Iraq timetables and state health care in Massachusetts. Mitt Romney being a preppy flip-flopper won McCain the nomination. Is that what you’re hearing? No one’s smiling here.

mittens

Famous Mormon Mitt Romney To Endorse McCain Today

Just as the world was getting over the end of Mitt Romney’s campaign — as the tears of children in Java, Mongolia, Malawi and even our own United States had finally stopped flowing — our Mittens has decided to formally endorse John McCain today. We miss you, Mittens! Don’t surrender like this to the McCain 9/11 Terrorists! Seeing your name in the news again… oh, the tears of loss have suddenly returned. [AP/Breitbart]

paultards can't take a joke

Did Ron Paul Force Mitt Romney To Quit Race?

Here is your Friday Recipe For Laughs: Take one sly LA Times political item that dryly suggests Ron Paul’s primary failures somehow scared Mitt Romney out of the campaign, let sit on the Internet for a few minutes, and then add the comments of hundreds of irony-deprived Paultards who think he’s serious. More »

a pitcher of warm piss

Now That John McCain Is Our President, Who Will Be His Veep?

History tells us the careful selection of a vice president has always been a make-or-break element of presidential campaigns. Who can forget George H.W. Bush tapping an illiterate youngster to be a heartbeat away from the presidency, Bill Clinton’s daring twinsies routine with fellow Southerner Al Gore, or William Howard Taft’s bold partnership with a stuffed ferret in the historic election of 1908? Now, as the nation stands poised to elect its first 110-year-old president, who will be John McCain’s running mate? (Belated thanks to reader Sanduo for the picture.) More »

where is my mittens?

A Children's Treasury of Disappointed Conservative Crying On The Internet

Many of the conservatives on the right side of the Internet loved Mitt Romney. Loved his precious greasy hair! Loved his smile. Lurrrrrved his pandering. But now, Mitt Romney is dead. Let’s watch the Internet whine about having to support John McCain now! More »

terrorists win forever

Mitt Quits, A Nation Sobs

He was a Mormon. Then he fixed the Olympics and liberal Massachusetts. Then he was the Republican nominee for nothing. Always and forever, he was the biggest liar and panderer in American history, but he meant well. The point is: Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Reagan Reagan Ronald. SIZE DOES MATTER.