Wonkette

Here’s a chart from FiveThirtyEight, the damnable, smartypants, know-it-all site that… oh hell, we read the motherfucker compulsively. This chart shows the net favorability scores of the four candidates based on some recent polls, and as you can see, people are rapidly realizing that Sarah Palin is a rather unsavory character — her numbers last week were about 10-15 points higher. So much for the happy times, Sarah; it is the happy times we will miss. So is it too late for Walnuts to shake this gal and throw Mitt “Willard” Romney in there? One can only dream… MORE »

We were all jealous of Wonkette videographer Liz Glover after seeing this Polaroid she took with America’s beautiful boy, Mitt “Willard” Romney. That is one tasty-lookin’ fraud salad! Liz claims that they never hooked up, but she doesn’t realize that in Mormonism, a handshake is considered third base. Also: Liz — like most people who, in some fashion, have worked for Gawker Media in the past — has been doing some work for the Radar blog, so help a sister out and watch this interview she did with Spike Lee in Denver. [Radar]

Our best friend Mittens Romney must be so relieved that the old coot called him with a “no” for veep this year. Who’d want to be on the losingest loser ticket ever, in 2008? Sarah Palin would, sooo… yeah. Anyway, let’s see what Mitt Romney has to say and his Kumming & Going in his famously magical underpants, in Minnesota. We bet that he’ll LIE a few times, hmm? MORE »

Do you love to know what the politicians will say about an hour before they say it? Then you’ll love reading tonight’s speeches by nasty sex ferret Rudy Giuliani, Mormon charmer Mitt Romney, and “You Might Be A Redneck” star Mike Huckabee. Go ahead, read them or whatever. MORE »

And that is exactly what we did. With Mitt Romney.

Enough of boring old Barack Obama. Who will be McCain’s first black female vice president under the age of 40? Nobody knows! All the news reports are about various people who say they will not be veep! We got yer Sarah Palin, yer Tim Pawlenty, and our boyfriend Mike Murphy said on the MSNBC half an hour ago that his pal on the Romney campaign declares it isn’t Mitt, either. So it’s either Lieberman or the humble roasted chicken to your left. [Political Ticker]

Everybody knows that poor old John McCain owns so many wonderful luxury homes in Arizona and California and Communist France that he literally has no idea how many wonderful luxury homes he owns — after all, that’s Cindy’s accounting firm’s job, counting up the stuff! But a shocking new study reveals that likely McCain running mate Mitt Romney literally owns fifty-five houses. MORE »

• John McCain used top-secret old man alias (”Eldon Smith”) to build bubbly Jacuzzi accoutrement at Cindy’s desert chateau. [Daily Kos]
• Gloria Allred performs public erotic self-asphyxiation, for the love of Hillary! [Top of the Ticket]
• Congressmen can hang out with their lobbyist friends only if they are fed terrible greasy crab meat on sticks while doing it. [Swampland]
• While Mitt Romney was busy saving the Olympics from itself, Obama was doing absolutely nothing and couldn’t even be bothered to work at a convenience store. [Jonathan Martin]
• McCain’s top foreign policy adviser Randy Scheunemann lobbied to allow suspected terrorists to own guns, so they can kill … each other? [TPM Muckraker]
• Known Muslim Communist Barack Obama would rather resurrect the Berlin Wall, in America, and live with fellow Marxists in a walled-off sex commune than be President.
  [RedState]

Shadowy “sources” tell Fox News that John McCain might be plotting to steal some of Barack Obama’s thunder by announcing his vice presidential nominee as early as Thursday. This will ensure that McCain’s decision — MITT ROMNEY, OBVIOUSLY — gets even less press coverage than expected. We look forward to liveblogging his enfeebled ode to the Mormon superhero, which will be delivered with his usual zest in front of a vomitous green screen in an abandoned subterranean Iraqi bingo hall for an audience of 40 bewildered senior citizens who came for the free samples. [Fox News]

• MUSHARRAF HAS HAD IT: “Faced with desertions by his political supporters and the neutrality of the Pakistani military, President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan, an important ally of the United States, is expected to resign in the next few days rather than face impeachment charges, Pakistani politicians and Western diplomats said Thursday.” Ha, so much for that guy. Will Benazir Bhutto take over by default now? Oh right, she’s very dead. We should squeeze Mitt Romney in a little box and mail him to Pakistan and be like, “this guy’s awesome, let him take over.” That would be so great, they’d have no idea. [NYT]

Many of us freaked out today when John McCain voiced this unusual piece of his mind: “I think it’s very clear that Russian ambitions are to restore the old Russian Empire. Not the Soviet Union, but the Russian Empire.” How does anyone arrive at that after reading about the situation between Russia and Georgia? Jesus. But then again, are we just getting soft? Think back to the glory days of the Republican primary season. All of the candidates launched into over-the-top fear babble of this nature on a daily basis, and it was usually more insane! So let’s check out two of our favorite ads from late last year — one from Mitt Romney and another from Rudy Giuliani — and laugh at monstrous bullshit all over again. MORE »

Here is Mormon candidate Mitt Romney on the Morning Joe program today, being an idiot. He says Obama is “well-spoken” and “attractive” and a hot “internet date” with whom he wants to engage in coitus. But! Not presidential! (Oh and hey, Joe Scarborough, you’re pretty good here, considering you host a chatty morning show on a cable news network! We hear… real questions, and facts, countering the McCain team’s psychobabble! Keep this up hmm?) [MSNBC]

There has been some speculation and anti-speculation that John McCain will pick his vice president this week, and that it will be Mitt Romney because why not. The timing of McCain’s announcement is particularly important, because it will be the only chance he has of getting decent press coverage ever. What if he announces it on the same day Obama breaks a fingernail or goes to the gym SEVEN times! The McCain campaign dreads something of this nature. Anyway, Mittens has sent out a fundraising plea to the 4-5 people remaining on his e-mail list on behalf of John McCain, so perhaps this means something! About the future! MORE »

Now that Barack Obama has killed Comedy, America’s last best hope for political laffs is a McCain-Romney ticket. And it looks like Mitt Romney may oblige, given the latest development in his years-long quest to be humiliated by, with, and on behalf of John McCain. He has forgiven the $45 million in loans he made to himself so that he could eke out a few more weeks in terrible debates with the cranky old war vet during primary season! And this means he probably wants to be vice president. MORE »