Somehow it seems unlikely that this dude, who vows not to read Wonkette ever again, has read much of it in the past. MORE »

Mitt Romney thinks he can get elected the Republican president of the United States someday, even though he served as the governor of the People’s Republic of Taxachusetts and instituted a Cuban healthcare regime while in office. To commemorate his unhappy tenure as a hostage of the Massachusetts state legislature’s overwhelmingly Democratic majority, the state unveiled an official portrait of the former governor yesterday. If he looks uncomfortable, it’s because of the rectal spindle that attaches him to the desk. UPDATE: MORE »

[LINK BAN OFF, their trolling has won this battle] Local Internet site The Politico has written “one of those stories they write,” oh boy. Barack Obama is terrible! “Call it the politics of personal perfection. The Barack Obama brand is as much about being a personal example to the nation as it is about being a political figure. But the danger of that frothy mix of glamour and domesticity is that President Obama could become in the public mind something he never sought to be: the Martha Stewart of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. And political veterans say the fine line between what’s inspiring and what’s annoying can be difficult to spot in advance.” Here are their stories. MORE »

John Ensign, yep, he’s got the scandals. Oh and this Mark Sanford, yes, he is flying back and forth to Argentina to have sexytime with Ms. Not His Wife. Hmm, what other GOP 2012 name is plagued by “tabloid scandals” — the one who steals Neiman Marcus clothes and made a Sex Den for her teen-aged daughter and spends all her time yelling at a late-night talk show host? EXTRA HINT TO RICH “STARBURST” LOWRY: You cum in your slacks when you see her on the teevee. [The Corner]

First: HOW HOT is Mittens in high definition? Mmm, 1080p of crisp, orange-pored lies. But what does he want? It’s a contest! Mittens knows that there are radical terrorists literally everywhere trying to end America and specifically you. What we need now, Mittens suggests, are more Essays. An Essay Contest. Winner gets to sit on his lap at the baseball field. MORE »

Have you ever gone to a buffet and seen, say, three dishes such as lobster, chocolate cake, and cocaine, and wondered which of these delights to sample first? That is precisely the dilemma facing Republican voters as they ponder the upcoming 2012 general election, which starts in precisely one thousand-ish days. MORE »

When Mitt Romney nears an election of his — only four more years-ish! — he transforms into his super-funny lying clown alter ego, “Mittens,” who literally believes in nothing and will simply invent exquisite lies or make fun of Bob Dole if that’s what’s demanded of him in the very short term. He’s harmless and terrible. Now he is selling all of his residences, because having lots of houses was embarrassing for John McCain for about hmm, a week?, last year. Which house is he keeping? The summer vacation home in… New Hampshire, of course! Why he just woke up one morning and decided he wanted to “winter” in the summer home from now on! [Hotline]

When you heard the news about Mitt Romney being terribly disrespectful to Sarah Palin by suggesting she’s only important because she’s purty, you probably wondered what this Alaskan “mama bear” would do about it. MORE »

Most people, if asked, can say a lot of things about Sarah Palin: she’s snowbilly trash, human garbage, a religious nutball who protects the American airspace from Putin’s rearing head, a fake celebrity, a proudly ignorant “mean girl” who never should have won a promotion beyond head of her local neighborhood association, etc. But most politicians, if asked, cannot say any of these true things, so they fall back on what they believe to be an innocuous remark about her looks. MORE »

Of all the comical failed Republican presidential candidates from the year aught-eight, none tugged at our heartstrings more than Mitt Romney, who lost $40 million of his own money in his fruitless quest to persuade people to like him. By 2012, he will have recouped all his losses by doubling down in America’s hot real estate and financial sectors, and he will have zillions more to spend on becoming conservative voters’ business-minded, slightly deranged alternative to the clinically insane grandmother of eleven, Sarah Palin. Mary Matalin says Romney’s going to run, and we all know she gets her information straight from the horse’s mouth (i.e. Cheney’s anus), so quod erat demonstrandum, etc. [AP]

Every year at the Conservative Political Action Conference, flocks of angry young nerds vote on who would make the best president. Every year Mittens “Willard” Romney wins this so-called presidential straw poll, and some years he even runs for “actual” president! He has yet to win, but Republicans’ extremely rigid rules of succession dictate that he at least give it another humiliating whirl in 2012 while Bobby Jindal is groomed for greatness in 2016. MORE »