mitt romney
House GOP Bans Abortions After 20 Weeks, Unemployment Rate Somehow Unaffected
To the complete surprise of no Wonketeers anywhere, the House of Representatives yesterday passed their bill aimed at alienating women everywhere outlawing abortions after 20 weeks. The effort, nothing more than an empty gesture to throw red meat to anti-choice whackadoos, has been a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish. But before [...]
Already Focused On Losing In 2016, Republicans Want Paul Ryan For President
Here’s a poll from Gallup that nicely encapsulates why the Republican party is so screwed: Among Republicans, Paul Ryan is the top choice out of five prospective candidates to lose the presidency to Hillary in 2016 (the others were, in order, Rubio, that amateur dentist fellow, a known Canadian anchor baby, and Chris Christie), but [...]
After Lengthy Downtime, Mitt Romney Powers Up To Explains That Hurricane Sandy Wrecked His Robot Dreams
OK to be totally honest, we’d pretty much completely forgotten about Mitt Romney. Sure, Mittens gave us some high comedy like binders full of women and we couldn’t get enough of his failed attempts to behave as a human, but he just became a misty water-colored memory months ago. But – we were wrong to [...]
Tesla Motors Pays Back Gummint Loan 9 Years Early, Proving That Green Energy Is A Scam
Hey, remember how the bankruptcy of a solar panel company proved beyond any doubt that gummint should not be picking winners and losers, and green energy is a joke? On a scale of Watergate to Benghazi, one company filing for Chapter 11 was obviously a Fast and Furious. Some guy — we forget his name, [...]
Bill Gates Finally Finds Virus He Might Be Able to Cure
Let’s say you are a wildly successful individual and have generally accomplished a good deal in your life. You are getting older, retired from you job, and are deciding what to do with your golden years. Wisely deciding against whale oil investments and buying land next to foamy sploading pigshit, you have several options in [...]
RNC Spokeswoman Admits Harry Reid Was Right About Romney’s Taxes All Along, Whoops
Oh, whoops, we do not think the spokeswoman for the Republican National Committee, and the Daily Caller (the spokespaper for the RNC), meant to confirm that Harry Reid was right about Mitt Romney paying a big gorgeous goose egg in taxes for 10 years. But they accidentally did! Oh our tangled webs and cetera! In [...]
Mitt Romney Wants All You 22-Year-Olds To Get Knocked Up Now, For Our Savior
Gawd, you people are awful. According to famous women-binding failed presidential candidate Mitt Romney the problem with you selfish dolts is that you simply won’t get married when you’re really young. “Some people could marry, but choose to take more time for themselves,” Romney tells graduates of Southern Virginia University. “Others plan to wait until [...]
Terrible Gucci Fanboy, Sports Mythmaker Buzz Bissinger Proves Why Marginal Tax Rates Should Be 100 Percent
Remember last year when angry old sportswriter Harry “Buzz” Bissinger endorsed Mitt Romney because Mittens was totally lying about everything? It was probably non-sports fans’ first introduction to the douchepile that is Buzz Bissinger, so here is a quick primer. Back when the internet consisted of three Star Trek fans on a dial-up message board, [...]
Dear Hero 47% Dude: Please Do Not Go To Law School
This week the man behind the video that completely disproved any thesis that Mitt Romney was capable of human emotions other than wrath and hatred went inside of Ed Schultz’s grizzly cave and self-doxxed. The world finally was able to put a name and a face to the man whose videotaping skilz accomplished more than [...]
Because There Are So Many, Another Romney, One ‘Ronna Romney,’ May Run For Carl Levin’s Senate Seat
When Sen. Carl Levin announced he wasn’t running for re-election in 2014, he didn’t just retire with class, befitting his distinguished record of public service, but he also gave this nation a great gift: Nearly two years of speculation about Michigan’s 2014 Senate race. It came not a moment too soon because America was quickly [...]
Mitt Romney Back In Private Equity, Everybody Hide Your Pensions
We have been so very concerned for our dear friend Willard, who has lost too many elections now to be able to keep trying not to lose them. Where would he go? What would he do? A man’s gotta eat, and when you can only scrape together $13.7 million a year by continuing to exist, [...]
Mitt Romney Is Literally The Worst Choice Ever For Detroit’s Emergency Manager
The city of Detroit, which has been basically issuing bonds to pay for daily expenses since 2005, is in such bad fiscal shape that even people who bought exurban McMansions in 2005 with reverse-money-down ARMs think the city is in a financial mess. That’s why America’s favorite pro-”right-to-work” nerd-governor, Rick Snyder, is going to appoint an emergency [...]
Mitt Romney And His Royale Princesse Deign To Visit Their Ungrateful Subjects Again
Pretenders to the throne (no, really – we assume they pretend they won the 2012 election all the damn time, like with presidential cosplay and stuffs) Highness Mittens and Princess Romney went on Fox News on Sunday. BIG SURPRISE. I mean, what is more relevant right now than giving losers a chance to explain how [...]
Your Valentine’s Nice Time, In Which We Are Nice To Really Really Grody Folks For Really No Reason At All
We know you Wonkers are a persnickety lot, and man are you good at hate! But let’s take a moment to give a Malbec-soaked shout-out to some people we hate while remembering their common humanity. Wait! Where’d you go???
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