Tag Archives: mitch mcconnell

  Her Name Is Rios And She Derps Upon The Sand

AFA Lady Sandy Rios: Why Waste Time On Dumb Fake ‘Sex Trafficking’ When We Should Be Stomping Out The Gay?

Not the best font match, I'll admit
Sandy Rios, the American Patriarchy Association’s “governmental affairs director,” is not happy at all with the Republicans in the Senate this week, but not so much because they’re holding up the confirmation of Loretta Lynch for the sake of putting some anti-abortion language into a bill to help victims of sex trafficking. Rios actually couldn’t give a rip about Lynch — who is evil, because appointed by Obama — but she’s pretty cheesed that the Senate is wasting precious legislative time on a bill addressing sex trafficking, which Rios is fairly sure is hardly even a thing at all, especially when compared to the existential crisis our once-proud nation faces from The Gays. Read more on AFA Lady Sandy Rios: Why Waste Time On Dumb Fake ‘Sex Trafficking’ When We Should Be Stomping Out The Gay?…
  that'll show 'em

Republicans To Make Eric Holder Attorney General For Life To Teach Democrats A Lesson

They just can't seem to quit him
Aren’t Republicans supposed to hate Attorney General Eric Holder with every molecule of their rotten beings because of how he has done all that race warring and fast-and-furiousing and being black while being black? Yes, that’s what we thought too. But even though Holder has been trying to quit his job, Senate Republicans just won’t let him. Those guys are so fickle, aren’t they? Read more on Republicans To Make Eric Holder Attorney General For Life To Teach Democrats A Lesson…
  Cloture? I barely know her

Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh.

Hmm, being Majority Leader is not going the way Mitch McConnell dreamed it would...
Yesterday in the long-running, apparently-never-gonna-close national production of Our Senate Sucks (now in its 226th year!), Mitch McConnell continued to be the worst lead since Styles Bridges had the entire place fumigated for gay cooties. With the bipartisan bill to fight human trafficking stalled over the GOP’s inclusion of irrelevant anti-abortion language, the Turtle suggested that for Democrats, “surely no left-wing special interest group is more important than fighting modern-day slavery.” Read more on Mitch McConnell’s Plan To Woo Democrats With Insults Not Working. Huh….
 

House Republicans Desperately Seeking A Lady, Any Lady, To Make Them Not Look So Bad

Aw, are Republicans have another lady problem? It’s been 24 hours, so yeah, that sounds about right: When House Administration Committee Chairwoman Candice Miller retires and hands over her gavel next year, GOP leaders will be facing a familiar quandary: finding another female lawmaker to lead a committee. Read more on House Republicans Desperately Seeking A Lady, Any Lady, To Make Them Not Look So Bad…
  Leadership is so. hard.

Senate Republicans Sneak Abortion Stuff Into Human Trafficking Bill, Why Not?

yup, burn it
This week, the Senate tried to do something unusual — they tried to tee up a piece of bipartisan legislation called the Justice For Victims of Human Trafficking Act. Because who could be against that? Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) had hoped to bring the bill to the floor to smooth over the bad feelings he caused when he hinted last week that the Senate was going to vote on a bill to let the Senate be President of Everything Related to Iran. Democrats threatened to filibuster, so McConnell, already sick of being filibustered and embarrassed by Democrats, decided to cut his losses and bring up the bipartisan human trafficking bill instead. That would have been lovely, if it hadn’t imploded. Leadership is so hard, you guys. Read more on Senate Republicans Sneak Abortion Stuff Into Human Trafficking Bill, Why Not?…
  Democrats are the boss of them

Boehner, McConnell Bound, Gagged, Crawling To Democrats For Help, Punishment

Bourbon-swilling Republican Mitch McConnell has not been Senate majority leader for very long, but he has already learned an important lesson about how governing is kind of hard, actually. Who knew? Democrats had to tell him, four times, that they would not vote for a bill to fund the Department of Homeland Security that included a provision telling Barack Obama he is a terrible THE WORST president and cannot just run around issuing executive orders like all the other presidents, before he was like, “OK, fine, we’ll do it your way.” Read more on Boehner, McConnell Bound, Gagged, Crawling To Democrats For Help, Punishment…
  McConnell cries uncle

Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding

Being a grown up is hard
Remember when Republicans were going to teach President Obama a lesson by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security until he apologized for not hating immigrants? And the plan was to keep holding a vote on the same bill over and over and over again, no matter how many times Senate Democrats said “hell nope,” because that would really show them! That was the brilliant GOP strategy as recently as Monday, when Congress returned from vacay to hold a vote on the same bill for the fourth time, which failed for the fourth time because Republicans are slow learners who have no new ideas and suck at governing and also math. Read more on Mitch McConnell Outwits Obama By Letting Him Keep Immigration And DHS Funding…
  It's a travesty!

Ted Cruz So Sad AG Nominee Loretta Lynch Does Not Agree With Him On Legal Issues, Time To Burn Everything Down

Ted Cruz, constitutionally consistent
Here is whiny tantrum baby Ted Cruz (R-BrylCreem), being sad that his Imperial Majesty B. Hussein Obama is still presidenting around and trying to do things like Get His Attorney General Nominee Loretta Lynch Confirmed By The Senate. As if any Republican president ever tried a scam like that! Cruz said in an interview with Newsmax that it would be a “travesty” for the Senate to vote on Lynch. A travesty! Cruz believes that Lynch would be “materially worse” than current Attorney General Eric Holder, whom Cruz loathes with a fiery passion equaled only by his hatred of undocumented immigrants, The Gays, health insurance coverage, post-birth Poor babies, ladies with choices, and a natural, windswept hairdo. Read more on Ted Cruz So Sad AG Nominee Loretta Lynch Does Not Agree With Him On Legal Issues, Time To Burn Everything Down…
  if at first you don't succeed fail fail again

GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding

Good job, asshole
Hey, Congress, you fellas all tanned, ready, and rested after that well-deserved vacation you took last week just because you guys sure do love vacation? Great, maybe you can get back to the business of doing your job and figuring out how to keep the Department of Homeland Security up and running, since funding expires this week. Sorry that didn’t solve itself while you were on vacay! Read more on GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding…
  Bumblin' Stumblin' Fumblin'

New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
Back in November, Idea Men John Boehner and Mitch McConnell conserva-splained at America how they would fix Congress now that they’d won the midterms. These Bold, Robust Ideas were intended to unite the party and carry forward the Will of the People, who had Spoken in November. Read more on New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation…
  Here have some news n stuff

That Lululemon Jerk Is Still A Total Pervy Jerk

These pants are not about making YOU feel good, ladies
Remember how Chip Wilson, the founder of overpriced yoga pants store Lululemon, is a total jerk? Oh, did you forget that he’s a total jerk? Here, have a reminder: In March 2013, Lululemon recalled 17 percent of its black yoga pants — which don’t come in a size larger than 12 — because its proprietary Luon fabric was too sheer. Some women who tried to return the pants at Lululemon stores said they were told to put them on and bend over so staff members could determine just how see-through they were. After a monthslong public-relations disaster, Wilson, who was chairman of the company, went on Bloomberg TV that November to share what he thought was a reasonable explanation. “Some women’s bodies don’t work for the pants,” he said. “It’s really about the rubbing through the thighs, how much pressure is there over a period of time.” Riiight. Now you remember. That guy. The one who said some women’s asses are just too fat to look good in his miracle makes-your-fat-ass-look-sooooooo-good yoga pants. Anyhoo, he’s not done being a jerk, and despite his obligatory “sorry if I offended you yadda yadda” PR tour in 2013, he’s not really sorry for, you know, just tellin’ it like it is. Read more on That Lululemon Jerk Is Still A Total Pervy Jerk…
  Just Wait Til You Hear About The Tax Cuts

Boehner And McConnell Have Awesome Replacement For Obamacare But Left It In Their Other Pants

Two men, no plan, Nalponnemowt!
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnnell and Speaker of the House John Boehner went on the 60 Minute televisual informatical program Sunday to explain all the exciting plans the Republicans have for uprooting Obamacare and replacing it with something much better, except that the part where they actually said what the replacement would be kind of got left out. Asked to explain the GOP’s Obamacare alternative, Boehner offered a clear-eyed vision of the past and how things might have been different, maybe: Read more on Boehner And McConnell Have Awesome Replacement For Obamacare But Left It In Their Other Pants…
  your tax dollars at work

House Votes To Extra Super Double-Ban Taxpayer Funding For Abortion (Which Is Already Illegal)

If this terror continues, even more people will have healthcare! God help us!
Republicans love tradition, and that is why on Thursday, on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade (haha, take that, ladies!), the House held its traditional vote for the No Taxpayer Funding For Abortion Act, which they introduce every single congressional session, because tradition! Read more on House Votes To Extra Super Double-Ban Taxpayer Funding For Abortion (Which Is Already Illegal)…
  Who knew health care for kids was popular?

Tennessee To Be Next State To Insure More Kids, Despite Dastardly Obama

Everyone's favorite mascot is back
Tennessee Gov. Bill Haslam wants to extend CHIP! Which stands for Children’s Health Insurance Program! Which insures low-income kids, on the theory that even poor kids should be able to see a doctor when they are sick! Wait, what? We thought Tennessee was against Insuring the Poor. Haslam declined Medicaid expansion for Tennessee in 2012, saying crazy things such as: Read more on Tennessee To Be Next State To Insure More Kids, Despite Dastardly Obama…
  Here have some news n stuff

Ted Cruz Just Gonna Wage A Little All-Out Civil War In The Senate, No Big

But who is he REALLY?
Don’t you just love the smell of Republican civil war in the morning? Actual Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is desperate to show everyone just how grown-up and leadership-y and Get Things Done he can be, but Not-Actual Senate Majority Leader Ted Cruz has other ideas, and he’s not wasting any time enlisting senatorial newbies to help him show those wimpy RINOs who the REAL boss of everyone is: Read more on Ted Cruz Just Gonna Wage A Little All-Out Civil War In The Senate, No Big…
  Post Hoc A Loogie

Mitch McConnell Notices Economy Pretty Good, Figures He Built That

yup, burn it
It looks like Republicans have finally figured out how they’re going to deal with the unfortunate fact that the economy has been steadily improving under Barack Obama: Just say it was all due to the wisdom of Republicans. Michele Bachmann has already taken credit for low gasoline prices, and now Mitch McConnell is saying that the most recent good economic news is obviously in reaction to Republicans winning the Senate in November. In a speech to his brand-new majority Wednesday, McConnell said it was all pretty obvious: Read more on Mitch McConnell Notices Economy Pretty Good, Figures He Built That…
  priorities

GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again

Do you remember your favorite Nazi research proponent and Congressperson Trent Franks (R-AZ)? Last Congress, he sponsored H.R. 1797, The Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which yr Wonkette described at the time as “a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish.” The bill would have banned all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, and while it did include a rape exception, that would only have been triggered if the woman reported the rape to police. And as everyone knows, that is always easy and convenient and safe for all women, hooray! After a floor debate that included insight into the masturbation habits of fetuses, the House passed the bill last June by a vote of 228-196, and then the Senate rolled around on the floor laughing and refused to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Remember when Democrats used to control the Senate, until a few weeks ago? Those were good times. Read more on GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again…
  Customer Service Agreement With America

GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else

Definitely winning
Republicans formally took control of the United States Senate on Tuesday, free at last to indulge in their love of sweet, sweet, crude and its associated lobbyists — a love that has been forbidden by their overly-strict totalitarian dad, Barack Obama, who made no secret that he did not approve. The GOP has been waiting eight long years, staring longingly out the window, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about the best way to approach this promising courtship. We thought they might keep their love under wraps the way they’ve been yammering on about bipartisan cooperation and compromise, leading us to think they’d start their new session with something Father Barry likes. Maybe service dogs for veterans? The Little Old Lady Street-Crossing Assistance Act of 2015? National Fuzzy Kitten Appreciation Day? Let’s check in! Read more on GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else…