Tag Archives: mitch mcconnell

  Here have some news n stuff

Ted Cruz Just Gonna Wage A Little All-Out Civil War In The Senate, No Big

But who is he REALLY?
Don’t you just love the smell of Republican civil war in the morning? Actual Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is desperate to show everyone just how grown-up and leadership-y and Get Things Done he can be, but Not-Actual Senate Majority Leader Ted Cruz has other ideas, and he’s not wasting any time enlisting senatorial newbies to help him show those wimpy RINOs who the REAL boss of everyone is: Read more on Ted Cruz Just Gonna Wage A Little All-Out Civil War In The Senate, No Big…
  Post Hoc A Loogie

Mitch McConnell Notices Economy Pretty Good, Figures He Built That

yup, burn it
It looks like Republicans have finally figured out how they’re going to deal with the unfortunate fact that the economy has been steadily improving under Barack Obama: Just say it was all due to the wisdom of Republicans. Michele Bachmann has already taken credit for low gasoline prices, and now Mitch McConnell is saying that the most recent good economic news is obviously in reaction to Republicans winning the Senate in November. In a speech to his brand-new majority Wednesday, McConnell said it was all pretty obvious: Read more on Mitch McConnell Notices Economy Pretty Good, Figures He Built That…
  priorities

GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again

Do you remember your favorite Nazi research proponent and Congressperson Trent Franks (R-AZ)? Last Congress, he sponsored H.R. 1797, The Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which yr Wonkette described at the time as “a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish.” The bill would have banned all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, and while it did include a rape exception, that would only have been triggered if the woman reported the rape to police. And as everyone knows, that is always easy and convenient and safe for all women, hooray! After a floor debate that included insight into the masturbation habits of fetuses, the House passed the bill last June by a vote of 228-196, and then the Senate rolled around on the floor laughing and refused to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Remember when Democrats used to control the Senate, until a few weeks ago? Those were good times. Read more on GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again…
  Customer Service Agreement With America

GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else

Definitely winning
Republicans formally took control of the United States Senate on Tuesday, free at last to indulge in their love of sweet, sweet, crude and its associated lobbyists — a love that has been forbidden by their overly-strict totalitarian dad, Barack Obama, who made no secret that he did not approve. The GOP has been waiting eight long years, staring longingly out the window, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about the best way to approach this promising courtship. We thought they might keep their love under wraps the way they’ve been yammering on about bipartisan cooperation and compromise, leading us to think they’d start their new session with something Father Barry likes. Maybe service dogs for veterans? The Little Old Lady Street-Crossing Assistance Act of 2015? National Fuzzy Kitten Appreciation Day? Let’s check in! Read more on GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else…
  So Very Crude

Barack Obama To Murder Your Keystone XL Oil Pipeline With His Bare Hands

We're betting Barry could win a stare-off with Mitch, unless he starts giggling
This post sponsored by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spills, Fracking, Clean Coal, Dirty Lies, and Laying Pipe In keeping with his pledge to focus on “things that both sides can agree on,” brand new Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is promising that the very first bill to go before the Senate this week will mandate the building of the Keystone XL pipeline, that vitally important project that will employ everyone between Canada and Louisiana and ensure energy independence — and possibly even free gasoline — for the United States. Or maybe it’s a hugely disruptive project that will employ a few thousand people while it’s being built and will move Canadian oil across America so it can be refined in Gulf Coast refineries and then mostly exported. It’s definitely one of those, and the Republicans want it a lot, so now that they have a majority in both chambers of Congress, by god, they’re going to pass it. Read more on Barack Obama To Murder Your Keystone XL Oil Pipeline With His Bare Hands…
  Thanks Texas

Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change

Behold! He stands before us!
2014 was the year when Senator Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and became a true American. It was also the year when Cruz made his first successful title defense of Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award (National Division). How else did Ted save the soul of America this year? Let’s Wonksplore! Read more on Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change…
  The New Math

GOP’s New Math Will Cut Your Taxes And Bankrupt America, So Basically A Wash

Pic via 1Funny As the year draws to a close, we here in the Washington Bureau are grateful for many things. Because we are Americans, we are most grateful for our capital-F Freedom and its valiant defenders, not least the right-wing fiscal fringers of the coming 114th Congress. These brave budget warriors will liberate us from the tyranny of traditional government math, freeing us from the chains of logic and allowing our wildest fiscal fantasies to come true. Read more on GOP’s New Math Will Cut Your Taxes And Bankrupt America, So Basically A Wash…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: We Were Very Mean To Barack Obama And Those Girl Scouts And We Should Feel Bad

Dear Princess Celestia... As a dragon, I find Hearth's Warming Eve to be very offensive.
Beyond all the half-priced candy, one thing we like about going to the store after Christmas is the sudden arrival of pallets of storage supplies — it holds out the hope that if you just buy the right plastic bins, you’ll be free of all the clutter that’s built up during the year. And so we bring you our own efforts at cleaning out the muck: A bunch of detritus from the comments queue, which we now won’t have to think about any more. Let’s start with some people we have upset with our unwarranted cruelty. For some reason, our piece on Barack Obama wearing a tiara while taking a photo with some girl scouts rubbed a few people the wrong way, perhaps because we said wearing a tiara betrayed Barack Hussein Obama’s desire for absolute power. “Thea” took us to task for being so mean to a decent, honorable man: Read more on Deleted Comments: We Were Very Mean To Barack Obama And Those Girl Scouts And We Should Feel Bad…
  Obviously a distraction from SomethingElseGhazi

GOP Senators Would Rather Not Talk About Torture, Thanks. Or ‘Torture.’

Chock fulla wet beans.
It sure would be nice if we could put aside our partisan differences for just one half of one second to agree that torturing people — by, for example, raping prisoners with food, or, for another example, killing them — is bad and wrong, and we shouldn’t do that. But yeah, sure, right, whatEVER. This is America, where the one and only time we can agree on anything at all is that Nazis suck. Read more on GOP Senators Would Rather Not Talk About Torture, Thanks. Or ‘Torture.’…
  dept. of having many leather-bound books

Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Tries To Defend Himself, Re-Steps On His Own Dick

Important thoughts from a man who looks like a thumb.
Poop spigot Ron Fournier took quite a hiding on the Internet yesterday over his regular outbreak of “both sides-ism,” and rightly so. Today he is back to try to explain himself with a whiny and defensive column that still manages to be flat-out wrong. If yesterday’s piece was the dumpster fire of centrist columns, today’s is the political pundit equivalent of that Harmony Korine movie about people who like to fuck garbage. And yet, today he’s also getting an example of both sides-ism that is probably giving No Labels an orgasm powerful enough to blow a hole in space. Let’s take a look! Read more on Serious Pundit Ron Fournier Tries To Defend Himself, Re-Steps On His Own Dick…
  Science Is For Dorks

Mitch McConnell Is Not A Scientist, Except When He Is

SCIENCE, BETCH
Mitch McConnell is not a scientist — just ask him! The next Senate Majority Leader does not care much for science, with all its high-falutin’ book-larnin’ and its incomprehensible metric system and what have you. However, when it comes to the Keystone XL pipeline, McConnell actually is a scientist, or at least he’s decided that science is a useful cudgel when he can wield it in support of his preferred policies. Rebecca Leber at The New Republic tells us all about McConnell’s change of heart as regards the Mary Landrieu Career Preservation Act, also known as the upcoming Keystone XL bill. Read more on Mitch McConnell Is Not A Scientist, Except When He Is…
  Weekend clipbait

SNL: Obama And McConnell Get Wasted At Bourbon Summit (Video)

If only ...
It’s the summit you know will (probably) never really happen, but it sure is fun to imagine President Obama and newly selected Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell knockin’ back a few and even finding common ground. Like having themselves a good chuckle prank calling Hillary Clinton to tell her, “This is Publishers Clearing House. I want you to know you’ve won an all-expense paid trip to … getting’ whooped in 2016!” Read more on SNL: Obama And McConnell Get Wasted At Bourbon Summit (Video)…
  Poutine Eating Surrender Monkey

BREAKING: Ted Cruz Rolls Over, Asks Mitch McConnell To Rub His Belly

yup, burn it
Hey, remember when Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Calgary) refused to commit to supporting Mitch McConnell as Majority Leader, right after McConnell engineered a takeover of the Senate? It’s a politically sensible position from a Tea Party contrarian dickhead senator, and surely it presaged the kind of reasonable, policy-based debate that has become Cruz’s calling card. Read more on BREAKING: Ted Cruz Rolls Over, Asks Mitch McConnell To Rub His Belly…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: WTF, Senate Democrats, Part Deux (Video)

Best jazz hands in the business
Rachel Maddow brings us this lovely follow-up to her Tuesday-night WTF at Senate Democrats’ decision to just give up on confirming Loretta Lynch as attorney general. Get ready for more WTF: The Senate isn’t apparently going to confirm any of the 160 Obama nominees, but as a special favor to Louisiana’s Sen. Mary Landrieu, it will schedule a vote on the Keystone XL pipeline, which will of course not actually help Landrieu win her Dec. 6 run-off against Bill Cassidy, because why would oil-lovers go for Landrieu when they can have the guy who actually sponsored the thing in the House? Maybe Senate Democrats are thinking of the upside? Passing the Keystone XL may not really help Landreiu, Maddow, notes, but hey, it will Read more on Morning Maddow: WTF, Senate Democrats, Part Deux (Video)…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Sorry, Barry, Lamest Lame Ducks Ever Giving Up On Confirming Loretta Lynch (Video)

Thanks a lot, Senate Dems -- you've made Rachel wear her 'I can't believe this shit' face.
Yr Wonkette would just like to remind you that it’s awfully early in the day to start drinking. For some reason, that snippet of advice occurs to us as we bring you Rachel Maddow’s lead story from Tuesday night: Looks like Democrats in the Senate won’t even bother to try confirming Loretta Lynch as attorney general during the 15 days of work left to them in the lame duck session of Congress (The Hill and Politico are reporting much the same). Read more on Morning Maddow: Sorry, Barry, Lamest Lame Ducks Ever Giving Up On Confirming Loretta Lynch (Video)…
  cruz control

McConnell, Cruz Prepare For Epic Dick-Measuring Contest

“Come now, be reasonable.” On the Fateful November Tuesday That Shall Not Be Named (the one in 2014, not 2010), Calgary’s own Ted Cruz sat down with Wolf Blitzer and was asked if he’d support Mitch McConnell as the next Senate majority leader. Cruz declined to say, as he’s done since August, mostly because Ted Cruz is pretty sure you don’t even need a majority if you’ve already got the smartest, bestest Sen. Ted Cruz on the market. Read more on McConnell, Cruz Prepare For Epic Dick-Measuring Contest…
  RIP Obamacare maybe?

Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare

Maybe SCOTUS will pull the plug on grandma after all
Did you think Obamacare was settled law just because it is the law, and settled, and the Supreme Court agreed that yes, it is the law, and settled? Ha, idiots! As Republicans have been telling us since before President Obama even signed the Affordable Care Act, they will vote to repeal it as many times at it takes — so far, more than 50 — until it is gone forever. And after Tuesday’s election, Sen. Mitch McConnell and House Speaker John Boehner said AGAIN that they are going to fix all the things the president has done to destroy America by repealing Obamacare, for real this time, which will create jobs somehow, not sure how that works, Republican magic, probably. Read more on Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare…
  Hey Loretta

Hey Who’s This Loretta Lynch Gal That Might Be Our New Attorney General Maybe?

HBIC
Eric Holder told us a while ago that he’s resigning as Attorney General to spend more time with all his Black Panther buddies. Who would replace him as the nation’s top cop? No one knew — the thinking was that if Obama named a potential successor, every Democrat would have to have an opinion on the successor, and that might be the kind of thing that could really hurt the party’s chances in the midterms Read more on Hey Who’s This Loretta Lynch Gal That Might Be Our New Attorney General Maybe?…
  clip bait

Jon Stewart: ‘Mitch McConnell Is Literally, Biologically A Tortoise’ (Video)

On Thursday’s Daily Show, Jon Stewart did that thing he does where he makes us all feel a little bit better about an awful, terrible, no good, very bad week after “the Democrats got taken out back and Old Yeller-ed by the American electorate.” And he did that other thing he does where he makes us laugh at the pitiful and trite news coverage of this week’s election, with a classic Daily Show montage. Read more on Jon Stewart: ‘Mitch McConnell Is Literally, Biologically A Tortoise’ (Video)…
  You Can't Make An Omelette Without Fucking That Chicken

GOP’s Awesome Plan To Make America All Better, Starting With Killing A Million Jobs

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
John Boehner and Mitch McConnell have affixed their names to a VERY IMPORTANT op-ed in the Wall Street Journal today,* explaining all the terrific fresh new ideas that they’ll be able to accomplish with their brand-new Republican control of Congress. It’s so fresh and exciting! Just lookie: Read more on GOP’s Awesome Plan To Make America All Better, Starting With Killing A Million Jobs…
  Tortoise Song Trilogy

Ted Cruz Will Be New Senate Majority Leader, Pope, Astronaut, And Ballerina

Behold! He stands before us!
With Mitch McConnell’s reelection and the Republicans taking over the Senate, America’s first Otherkin Senator is poised to finally ascend to the Senate Majority Leader job that he has wanted since forever. And who knows, maybe Ted Cruz will actually let him do that! At the moment, Cruz is playing coy, not willing to say on CNN last night whether he’d actually support McConnell for Majority Leader. The Senator from Alberta was only willing to say that’s “a decision for the conference to answer next week.” Not that he would ever be an obstructionist or anything. Read more on Ted Cruz Will Be New Senate Majority Leader, Pope, Astronaut, And Ballerina…