Tag Archives: mitch mcconnell

  Everyone point and laugh at the losers

Dear Congress: We Hate You. XOXO, America

Dirty mouth!
Kiss THIS It has been a while since we pretended we didn’t already know the answer to the question: Do Americans like Congress, yes or no? Last time, the answer was “HAHAHA, you’re joking, right? I’d rather have head lice and a root canal!” (Not joking. That was the answer.) That was almost two years ago, before Republicans won the Senate and took complete control of Congress, with all their neat ideas about killing jobs and Obamacare and the environment and whatever other shiny thing is in front of their faces. Read more on Dear Congress: We Hate You. XOXO, America…
  New Genocide Needed So Wingnuts Can Find Fresh Metaphor

Watch Erick Erickson Shove This Coat Hanger Up GOP’s Vagina!

Little angel babies!
. Perpetual rage machine and Fox News contributor Erick Erickson is really, really mad that Planned Parenthood is getting rich off trafficking in murdered baby parts (which it isn’t, but shut up, he knows it is). Not only is he demanding a government shutdown if funding for Planned Parenthood isn’t immediately aborted, he also says that if the GOP doesn’t have the huevos to completely bring government to a halt over a bunch of misleadingly edited videos, then it’s damn well time for conservatives to destroy the Republican Party. More. Maybe they could start a whole new party just for anti-abortion absolutists, with a bloody fetus hanging on a cross for its symbol. Read more on Watch Erick Erickson Shove This Coat Hanger Up GOP’s Vagina!…
  Another fine moment in GOP outreach

Everyone Loves Planned Parenthood, So Republicans Are Trying To Kill It

Freedom!
Hello. Do you — or someone you love, or even just like, or maybe sat next to on a bus one time — have a vagina? Did you know there is a place where you, or that other person, can go to make sure the vag is in tip-top shape, with no weird rashes or lumps or unwanted babies in it, even if you do not have health insurance or any dollars American? Read more on Everyone Loves Planned Parenthood, So Republicans Are Trying To Kill It…
  Trigger warning for ewwwwww

Todd Starnes Writes Love Letter To Donald Trump’s Penis

Secret admirer, secret admirer!
Is that gross enough? Are you imagining Donald Trump’s penis now and wondering if his little head is coiffured the same as his big head? Because Fox News wingnut and suspected pee lover Todd Starnes sure seems to be! Read more on Todd Starnes Writes Love Letter To Donald Trump’s Penis…
  Can anyone join in?

Senate Republicans Spent Their Sunday Being Dicks To Ted Cruz

Nope
Everyone hates Ted Cruz, right? Right. And his Republican colleagues in the Senate are no exception: Cruz, a Texas senator who is running for the Republican presidential nomination, drew the ire of his colleagues for claiming the top Republican in the Senate lied to him. He accused Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (Ky.) of going back on a promise he claims McConnell made to him about the contentious Export-Import Bank. It turns out there there is some rule for senators about how they are not supposed to be dicks to each other on the Senate floor: Rule 19, which, as Sen. Susan Collins explained, “is very clear that no senator is to impugn the integrity of another senator.” Apparently, calling the Senate majority leader a liar impugns his integrity, or whatever, and also, Republicans like McConnell much more than they like Cruz. So they all took their turns speechifying about what an immature rule-breaking dick Cruz is. Here’s Sen. Lamar Alexander, kicking Cruz in the nuts: Read more on Senate Republicans Spent Their Sunday Being Dicks To Ted Cruz…
  Aw nuts

Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell Is NOT Going To Vote For Hillary’s Vagina

Here's your gender card right here
Senate Majority Leader In Name Only Mitch McConnell (R-Literally A Tortoise) is not a big fan of the ladies. Oh, sure, he’ll pretend he is, when he is running for re-election. He will try to make with the sweet pillow talk, all like, “Heyyyyyyyyyy ladies, I support the Violence Against Women Act, because you shouldn’t smack your bitch up,” but then he’ll vote against it because he thinks it is OK to smack your bitch up if she’s a lesbian bitch with brown skin. He’s that kind of feminist. You know, the kind that is bad at feminisming. Read more on Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell Is NOT Going To Vote For Hillary’s Vagina…
  Cooking The Books

Mean New York Times Won’t Let Ted Cruz Cheat His Way Onto Bestseller List

To Grift, or not to Grift...
Oh, see how the liberal New York Times is mistreating and suppressing Ted Cruz! Outrageous! Horrors! His publisher sold a bejillion copies of his new book-shaped object, A Time For Truth: Reigniting the Promise of America, but is the Times giving it the place it deserves on the Bestseller list? Obviously it is not, because the New York Times just hates books by conservatives, like Chris Kyle’s American Sniper (still on the combined book/ebook list after 72 weeks) or David Brooks’s The Road To Character, or Ann Coulter’s Adios, America!, (currently #6 and #11 on Hardcover nonfiction). Read more on Mean New York Times Won’t Let Ted Cruz Cheat His Way Onto Bestseller List…
  Detainees: They Can't Be Beat

Senate Votes To End Torture, Not That We Ever Did That

An elegant enhanced interrogation method from a more civilized age
As we know, the United States of America does not torture people. George Bush said we didn’t, and then Barack Obama officially ended it with an executive order, mostly, and then last fall the Senate released its report on all the torture that didn’t happen, and on Tuesday, the U.S. Senate voted to outlaw torture, which America has never done, but now we’ll really not do it ever again. Unless we decide we need to, maybe. But we almost certainly won’t, because we never have. Even though it works, and we like it! Read more on Senate Votes To End Torture, Not That We Ever Did That…
  Long Hot Bummer

Superhero Barack Obama Spending Summer Vacation Saving The World

As Neil deGrasse Tyson said, maybe if we could see CO2, we'd be doing something about it
Some kids have a reading list or a paper route or maybe an aggressive agenda of sleeping late and playing Assassin’s Creed Black Flag all freaking day, but Barack Obama’s summer project is just plain old saving the world. The Wall Street Journal, which still does actual reporting now and then, reports that Obama plans to devote a lot of energy this summer to “an ambitious climate agenda that the president sees as key to his legacy.” Read more on Superhero Barack Obama Spending Summer Vacation Saving The World…
  the world's greatest deliberative body

Republicans Have Secret Plan If SCOTUS Kills Obamacare. No, You Can’t See It.

Oh, yeah, good old-fashioned Nightmare Fuel
Rest easy, America: If the Supreme Court murders Obamacare over what amounts to a proofreading error later this month, Republicans are ready with a replacement plan, according to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. No, you can’t see it. It’s a surprise. Stop trying to peek. Stop it! There is too something in the box, just don’t shake it or you’ll ruin it! Read more on Republicans Have Secret Plan If SCOTUS Kills Obamacare. No, You Can’t See It….
  But yeah they'll still get paid

Hero Mitch McConnell Says Senate Not Gonna Bother Doing Its Job Anymore, Take That, Obama

You don't deserve that beer, pal
There’s an ugly rumor going around that the United States Senate of America has a job to do, besides sending love letters to our enemies and celebrating craft beer. According to the Constitution — or maybe the Bible, we always get those two confused — the Senate is supposed to review presidential nominees for the federal judiciary, hold some hearings, and then vote “YAY, go do some judging, Your Honor,” or “Hells nope, you are a terrible racist piece of scum, go away, JEFF SESSIONS, or just become Alabama’s next senator, we guess.” Read more on Hero Mitch McConnell Says Senate Not Gonna Bother Doing Its Job Anymore, Take That, Obama…
  They hate us for our freedoms or maybe just Rand Paul

Hero Rand Paul Saves America From NSA Spying, At Least Until Tuesday

I'm here to protect your freedom or at least ask for your vote
The Senate took the highly unusual step of working on the weekend to pass the USA Freedom Act — after it failed to do so and took a whole week off for Memorial Day anyway, like all regular Americans do. But while Majority Leader Mitch McConnell had wanted to pass a clean bill to protect our freedoms from the terrorists who want to read all our sexts and listen to our phone calls — oh wait, that’s the National Security Agency, not the terrorists, whatever — one brave senator stood in the way and blocked the bill, for freedom or at least for grandstanding and fundraising for his laughable presidential campaign: Read more on Hero Rand Paul Saves America From NSA Spying, At Least Until Tuesday…
  Careful what you wish for

Let’s Watch The GOP Cage Fight With Itself About Obamacare, Again

... for Republicans
As Senate Republicans have slowly — very slowly — begun to realize that “We’re trying to take away your healthcare, for your FREEDOM!” is not a very good campaign slogan, they’re trying to figure out how to save themselves and their jobs just in case the Supreme Court agrees with them that subsidized healthcare is ILLEGAL and grants their wish to kill that part of Obamacare, with judicial fire. That’s why Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Asshole) introduced a bill in April to restore subsidies for the millions of Obamacare enrollees who would lose coverage, and Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and the rest of their party’s leadership in the Senate support this legislation because they really care about making sure Americans don’t lose their healthcare. By which we mean they really care about making sure they don’t lose their jobs in the 2016 election. There’s just one teeny tiny problem for Johnson and the rest of his Senate colleagues, and it’s coming from inside the House: Read more on Let’s Watch The GOP Cage Fight With Itself About Obamacare, Again…
  Still not president

Sen. Tom Cotton Turding Up Fellow Republicans’ Iran Punchbowl

I AM THE DUMMEST AND I BREATHE OUT OF MY MOUTH
Tom Cotton, the freshman tea party senator from Arkansas who’s already made quite a name for himself (and that name is “Traitor”), is making friends and influencing people ALL over the place. Just when Senate Republicans and Democrats were about to enjoy one of those rare moments of agreeing on something — in this case, legislation saying that Congress has a REAL BIG DICK, so it gets to have a say-so in any agreement on Iran’s nuclear program — Sen. Cotton had to fuck everything up, with the help of Sen. Marco Rubio, who doesn’t even give a damn anymore because he’s quitting the Senate anyway to go not be president: Read more on Sen. Tom Cotton Turding Up Fellow Republicans’ Iran Punchbowl…