The “Lafayette County Republican Central Committee” of Missouri — an evil power of greater strength than the Chamber of Commerce and AHIP and Jackie Seal combined, times Halloween — has posted this warning on the highway: when the Second Revolutionary War comes… get your ass to New Hampshire and hide, because war is really scary! [Fired Up! Missouri via Oliver Willis]

It was announced just this morning that known tumor Sarah Palin would be delivering a “convocation” on December 2 “about patriotism, citizenship and civic engagement,” at this college, the College of the Ozarks, in Missouri. It is perhaps the only (presumably?) accredited college in America that fancies going by a comically trademarked focus group slogan, “Hard Work U.,” instead of its much more lamentable real name. Anyway, it’s already sold out. Moles: remember to send the goods to tips@wonkette.com, even though we just made fun of your trashy school. [College of the Ozarks]

Oh, oh yes, do watch this video from Claire McCaskill’s town hall yesterday. Old serial killer-ish guy just gets up from the bleachers, STEALS the black lady’s poster of Rosa Parks that she’d been showing a reporter, rips and crumples it up, cops chase ‘em all out, and everyone boos the black lady. Raw Democracy! [Pam's House Blend]

Ha, the AP has finally called Missouri, the famous bellwether (or dare we say, FAIR-WEATHER?) state that has voted with the winning presidential election candidate since 1956, for John “Walnuts” McCain, whom some of you may remember. This means Meghan McCain will have to get a “Show Me” tattoo on her forehead, as promised! [AP]

• McCAIN WINS MISSOURI: Not that it matters, but he won it, so there’s that! Won it by a hair under 6,000 votes. [MSNBC]

Here are some important new Battleground polls that you should take with a grain of salt, because they have not factored in Ron Paul’s 1/3-endorsement of Ralph Nader today. Otherwise, these are pretty good signs for Obama — after all, they were conducted Sept. 7-9, a three-day period during which Democrats caved entirely to their old friend Self-Loathing and Republicans were gaining media traction with the impossible idea that they care about women at all. So why is it that New Hampshire and Michigan are being so Sexist? [The Page]

“JEFFERSON CITY — Missouri state Rep. Scott Muschany, R-Frontenac, was indicted today in connection with a reported sexual assault of a 14-year-old girl on May 17, the day after this year’s Legislative session ended.” What, were all the 14-year-old boys already taken by the other celebrating Republican legislators? MORE »

A Wonkette St. Louis Radio Spy sends us a thrilling update on the John Ashcroft Saliva Auction, now taken down from eBay because it was too sexy for mainstream tastes. Our dreams of cloning a personal army of Ashcroft Sex Robots is slowly dimming. The sad report straight from a listener’s ears, after the jump. MORE »

He’s got most of the money remaining in the U.S. economy, and yet. Barack Obama’s plane, a rickety old hackjob called an “MD-80 Midwest charter,” was going to crash into a World Trade Center today en route from Chicago to Charlotte — it was just that broken! Alas, his terrible pilots were forced to make an emergency landing in Missouri. Hey, Missouri… that’s one of those whatchamacallits… border states… slave states… oh that’s right, it’s a swing state. What a fortuitous terrorist crash landing! MORE »

Wonkette Semi-Aquatic Rodent Operative “Claiborne” asks this very important question, and the answer is: because they are terrorists. New evidence reveals that violent extremist muskrats perpetrated today’s breach of the levees north of St. Louis. Shocking video footage of these terrorists plotting their takeover of Missouri, after the jump. MORE »

Wonkette GILF Operative SloppyCronkite sends us this hot tip: “I’m pleased to announced that a possible GILF is running for the governor’s office in Missouri. Her name is Sarah Steelman, so if elected we’d have a glorious two Sarahs as hot governors. Imagine that.” This current state treasurer, like Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, is a Republican. [Riverfront Times] MORE »