BARACK OBAMA, JOINT CHIEFS, ROBERT GATES ARE ALL QUEERS: Barack Obama and Bob Gates hastily announced this morning that they were going to scrap George W. Bush’s massive plan for a long-range missile defense system in Eastern Europe in favor of a short- to medium-term new system that would be installed more quickly because THOSE ARE THE MISSILES IRAN IS BUILDING. Conservatives are reacting… let’s see here… oh look, by going fucking insane. [NYT, National Review]

Over the weekend, North Korea pwned the capitalists by launching its dumb rocket over Japan and around the sea. After about 2,000 miles it crashed in the water, the end. American officials determined that it was one of Kim Jong Il’s famous Taepodong-2 missiles, which are not quite at “Full ICBM” quality, but still pretty baller. Eventually one of these things will be able to bomb Sarah Palin’s house in Alaska. AND YET the North Koreans are still pretending that this rocket was only launched to drop off its satellite payload in space, and they’re insisting that it was successful, despite the fact that it FELL IN THE WATER. MORE »

• EVERYONE STOP BEING MEAN!: Georgia lobbed missiles at Russia, then Russia killed everyone, then the U.S. signed a deal with Poland for that missile defense thing just to piss off Russia, and now Russia is selling missiles to Iran and Venezuela just to piss off the U.S. WTF? Why can’t all of these people act like grown-ups, sheesh. [Times UK]

Hey did you hear about the latest Iranian provocation staged by the GOP so Cheney and Special Nuclear Commander John McCain can nuke half the planet on November 3? Well don’t worry, because at least one of the allegedly tested missiles was crappily photoshopped by the Iranian Revolutionary WoW Photoshoppers Guild. The bogus picture was on just about every newspaper front page the other day, so now all the old people who still get the paper are jabbering about four missiles instead of three, the end. (Thanks to Wonkette operative Ura G. for the Dummies cover.)

In an Iranian Image, a Missile Too Many [NYT The Lede]

OOPSIES: “The Pentagon announced on Tuesday that it mistakenly shipped non-nuclear components for an intercontinental ballistic missile to Taiwan but has recovered them and launched an investigation.” Well, it’s only fair that we finally made something for Taiwan. [Washington Post]

The Pentagon lied again today, saying the operation to nuke the poisonous satellite of death “appears to have succeeded in destroying a tank filled with toxic rocket fuel.” Well whoop-de-doo, because this threat is far from over: “Most of the debris, the statement said, already re-entered the atmosphere or would within coming weeks.” MORE »

As you may have heard, the Pentagon’s space missile successfully hit that broken Satellite of Love last night, and now its poisonous death shrapnel (which has actually been deemed “unhazardous,” by liars) will come hurling into our atmosphere, killing us all. But there is one hope for us in this Armageddon scenario: the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the revered handymen most famous for getting New Orleans back on its feet within 24 hours of the initial Hurricane Katrina strike. Last week, America’s Most Effective Agency released its “First Responder Guide For Space Object Re-Entry,” i.e. “what to do if the poison satellite crashes next to you.” How will FEMA save the world this time? MORE »

The Pentagon vowed Friday to pay for any damages incurred when it shoots down that broken satellite of love. Just like it vowed to rebuild Iraq! At least there’s a blueprint this time. [Reuters]

* Gonzo makes it through almost three minutes of questions from the press today. [The Swamp]
* John McCain still proud of McCain-Feingold, can’t remember back any further. [Captain's Quarters]
* National ballistic missile defense made out of sugar cubes. [C&L]
* Al Qaeda’s intellectual property is safe with Google. [Jawa Report]
* Duncan Hunter has someone write a blawg post for him. [Blogs for Bush]
* Jim Webb “was BORN FIGHTING and will CHOKE A BITCH if need be.” [DCeiver]

* You do know what happens if you just assume everyone hates Cheney more than Bush, don’t you? [Election Central]
* O’Reilly checks the mirror at 8 and 11:30 EST. [Just a Bump in the Beltway]
* Nothing gets Orrin Hatch harder than watching Alberto Gonzalez busting pornographers on the internets. [Unclaimed Territory]
* Chinese “satellite killer” missiles target only military assets — iPod and Xbox ordering infrastructure remains unscathed. [Defense Tech]
* Straight from the home office in Phoenix, Arizona: tonight’s top 15 things John McCain is doing to turn himself into a pandering cartoon. [The Carpetbagger Report]
* Al Franken appeals to “Minnesota Nice” voters by actually running as Stuart Smalley. [Wizbang Politics]
* Bob Ney would start cracking beers in the morning even before the glue on his head was dry. [TPM Muckraker]

Best story of the week: MORE »