Tag: minnesota

We knew Judge Dredd. You, sir, are no Judge Dredd

Donald Trump To Be Law And Order President, Execute All Black Teens Not Playing Checkers

Donald Trump continued to crib lines from Richard Nixon's 1968 playbook, promising to be the 'law and order candidate' of 2016. His vow to crack down on hippies may not resonate quite as well.

Another Black Man, Philando Castile, Shot Dead By Police, Because That’s What Happens In America

Philando Castile was a law-abiding citizen who was reportedly complying with police orders, and now he is dead.

CNN Steps On Own Dick, Wonders If Prince’s Death Is Good News For Trump And Hillary

Know what's been nice? Since Prince's untimely passing on Thursday, people really haven't said hardly anything shitty about it. Cities large and small have gone purple, the cast of Broadway's The Color Purple sang the tribute to end all tributes, and...

Prince Will Never Die

What in the hell is wrong with 2016, when it comes to God taking away our greatest icons? TMZ is reporting that Prince has died at age 57: The artist known as Prince has died ... TMZ has learned. He was 57. Prince's...

Servers Tell Boss To Take Her Crap Anti-Minimum-Wage Op-Ed And Shove It

Oh hey, it's a Maine story (about the minimum wage, no less) that doesn't directly involve Gov. Paul LePage! Five servers at a restaurant in Portland called Five Fifty-Five have quit in one hell of a mic drop, giving their notice...

Stories Of Staggeringly Dumb Restaurant Customers, Part 2

Welcome back to Off The Menu, where we bring you the best and strangest food stories from my email inbox. This week, we've got a special bonus week of more Dumb Customer stories, because WOW do I have a...

Joe’s Crab Shack Very Sorry For Serving Crab Nachos With Side Of Lynchings

Hey, you know what really gets customers in the mood for colorful crab mimosas? Classic, old-timey depictions of festive lynchings! SOUND BUSINESS MODEL, JOE'S CRAB SHACK. Joe's Crab Shack, aka "That Place That Probably Isn't As Gross As Red Lobster,...

Marco Rubio Wins A State, Still Second-Place Champion Of Our Hearts

Aww, serial state-loser Marco Rubio finally won a place! We wonder, though, if this means he'll have to bow out of his run for Second-Place President of the United States of America? Aww, poor Marco; no matter what he...
Imaginary driver on closed videogame course. Do not attempt.

St. Paul Cop: Go Ahead And Run Over Black Lives Matter Protesters, Just Remember To Call 911

A St. Paul, Minnesota police sergeant is under investigation after allegedly posting a Facebook comment urging drivers to run over Black Lives Matters protesters and keep driving. The comment, since removed, was on a newspaper's Facebook post about a...

Angry Dude Whips It Out At Sex Shop Over Broken Dingle-Dangle Pump

Penis pumps are no laughing matter; every year they are responsible for a host of unspeakable tragedies, like the time that one dingus got his balls stuck in one. This story therefore deserves to be treated with the utmost...

Dudes Who Shot Up Black Lives Matter Crowd Not Quite Racist Enough For Hate Crimes Charge

We are learning ever so many charming things about the four dudebros arrested for the shooting attack on five people attending a Black Lives Matter protest in Minneapolis last week. For one thing, we have learned alleged shooter Allen...
Not sure if this is the judge or not, we just found it on the internet.

Arkansas Judge Invited Hot White Felon Boys Over For Sexytime. Totally Normal.

Judging is real tough because sometimes you're just going about your day and saying "GUILTY!" and "IT'S SLAMMER TIME, MAURICE," but then you get distracted by all the OMG CUTE WHITE GUY BUTTOCKS that came through your courtroom for...
If only they'd built a YOOGE classy wall to keep Columbus out

Bigots Weep As Oklahoma Town Murders Christopher Columbus

Congrats to Anadarko, Oklahoma (population 6,762), the first municipality in that state to celebrate today as Indigenous Peoples' Day instead of Columbus Day, thanks to a City Council resolution passed unanimously in September. The proclamation was formally signed by...
Wonder if they have this book?

Sexy Republican Lawmakers Sorry For ‘Exchanging Documents’ In Each Other’s Pants

Did you hear about these two crazy kids in Minnesota? They are Republican state Reps. Tim Kelly and Tara Mack, and they are married, but not to each other. They were caught doing normal Republican legislator stuff to each other...
Hi, I'm Cecil. A bad American man killed me. Please have Sarah McLachlan to do commercial and end this.

Here, Rage At This Dickhead American Dentist Who Murders Beautiful African Lions For Fun

Didn't we just say recently that we are not against hunting? We did say that, and it is still true, but let us clarify real fast. It's one thing to hunt in that real Native American way, where you...

Let’s Go Spit All Over Minneapolis, Because It’s Legal Now!

A dozen members of the Minneapolis city council voted Friday to repeal century-old laws against lurking and spitting, leaving the city's population dangerously vulnerable to train-jumpers and tuberculosis carriers. Critics of the laws cited a damning ACLU report that showed they were disproportionately...