Tag Archives: minnesota

  stop hitting yourself

And Then There Was That Other Time Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Gave His Son ‘A Whopping’

How does this keep accidentally happening accidentally by accident?
For a guy who “never intended to harm his son and deeply regrets the unintentional injury,” Minnesota Vikings sportsball player guy Adrian Peterson sure has some poor dumb unintentional luck. It seems beating up his various four-year-old sons and causing serious injury somehow just keeps happening to poor unfortunate Peterson. Read more on And Then There Was That Other Time Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Gave His Son ‘A Whopping’…
  Blowback? What Blowback?

Defending Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Costs Money So Never Mind About Due Process

Yes, asshole, it was something you did
By Mike Morbeck [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia CommonsIt’s sarcasm-funny how only two days ago, the Minnesota Vikings announced that while “we take very seriously any matter that involves the welfare of a child,” there was no reason running back Adrian Peterson shouldn’t be allowed to kick the sportsball on the field while after being indicted for beating the ever-lovin’ crap out of his four-year-old son with a tree branch, leaving bloody welts all over his FOUR-YEAR-OLD body. (Or as certain internet scumbags and sportsball stars and “comedians” called it, good old-fashioned parenting like how they were raised and they turned out just fine so what’s the big deal?) The Vikings agreed that beating kids is bad, sure, but on the other hand, “due process and we should allow the legal system to proceed.” Read more on Defending Baby-beater Adrian Peterson Costs Money So Never Mind About Due Process…
  Domestic Terrorist

Child Beaters: Adrian Peterson’s Four-Year-Old Obviously Had It Coming

If you think leaving scars on a 4-yeear-old is OK, then no, you did not turn out OK.
[There are some fucked-up pics in here, FYI.] Minnesota Vikings f’ball man Adrian Peterson did not play f’ball on Sunday because he was indicted for child abuse on Friday. The abuse charges were brought in Texas, a state that isn’t exactly known for being unfriendly to corporal punishment, and resulted from a May 18 incident in which Peterson “disciplined” his 4-year-old son for pushing a sibling off a motorcycle videogame. In classic Old Fashioned Hypermasculine Parenting style, Peterson beat the boy with a small tree branch from which he had removed the leaves — which he stuffed into the boy’s mouth during the beating. The whipping left welts on the child’s legs, ankles, back, buttocks, and scrotum. Read more on Child Beaters: Adrian Peterson’s Four-Year-Old Obviously Had It Coming…
  Don't Read The Comments

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Child Labor’s Still Pretty Cool For Tobacco Growers

The best way to read your Sunday NYT
We depend on our Sunday New York Times for in-depth reporting on stuff that we may or may not care about, and on a good day we might even learn about something we had no idea we should have to care about, and now we can sound like a big know it all. Into that last column, let’s drop today’s story about teenagers who work 12-hour shifts on tobacco farms, like the 13-year-old we meet in the lede. But don’t worry, the growers provide safety equipment, of a sort: Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Child Labor’s Still Pretty Cool For Tobacco Growers…
  Stop Resisting! Stop Resisting!

New Crime To Worry About: Sitting While Black

Even the three-fingered cops of the future are terrifying
In yet another completely isolated incident that has nothing to do with race, another black man has released a video of police going to town on him for being an uncooperative ne’er do well. In this case, the unruly offender is Christopher Lollie of St. Paul, Minnesota, who on Jan. 31 of this year was waiting to pick his kids up from daycare when confronted by a cop who wanted to know his name and why he was sitting down on a chair in a skyway in between two buildings. Like a troublemaker, he seemed to think he had the right to not give his name and ID to a police officer without her telling him what he’d done wrong — and then what he’d done wrong was to not comply with her “Papers, please” request, which marked him as a probable criminal threat with dreadlocks. Read more on New Crime To Worry About: Sitting While Black…
  nice time!

Minnesota Hunting Lodge Will Allow Gay Wedding After All And Pay For It Too!

Gayer Than Ratzinger's Shoes
Who could use some good news for a change? Oh, everybody? Well, okay then. Here is some good news about two men who wanted to get married in Minnesota, which is a thing two men who want to get married in Minnesota are allowed to do, because that is the law now. They wanted to get married at Rice Creek, a hunting lodge where you can hunt and lodge and lodge and hunt and also get married. Rice Creek also does bachelor parties so you can “start your party with some shooting.” Read more on Minnesota Hunting Lodge Will Allow Gay Wedding After All And Pay For It Too!…
  Sportsball nice time

Get A Kluwe, Morans!

He seems nice -- except, actually nice!
Former Minnesota Vikings Sportsball Human Chris Kluwe announced today that he and the team had reached an agreement to settle a lawsuit filed by Kluwe in the wake of his firing last year and a subsequent article he wrote accusing the Vikings of tolerating a culture of homophobia. Under the settlement, Kluwe, the team’s former “puntsman,” will receive no money himself, but the Vikings will “donate an undisclosed amount to five charities over the next five years to benefit LGBT and anti-hate groups, and will sponsor a fundraiser.” Read more on Get A Kluwe, Morans!…
  Postmodern Postmortem

Minnesota Scumbag Wins ‘Douchiest Robin Williams Tweets’

No respect
You may or may not remember the postmodern stylings of Minnesota Republican Chris Fields, who explained a couple of years ago, when he ran against Keith Ellison for Congress, that there’s just no way in hell that an ad picturing Ellison and condemning his reverse racism was actually calling Ellison a racist or anything. And then when they debated, Ellison very accurately called Fields a scumbag. Fields is now the Minnesota Republican Party’s deputy chair, and in an effort to get out the vote for today’s primary election, engaged in a bizarre Twitter war accusing people who were sad about Robin Williams’s death of somehow being hypocrites who want to hurt ordinary Americans. Or something. Read more on Minnesota Scumbag Wins ‘Douchiest Robin Williams Tweets’…
  legally incapacitated

Drinky McDrunkerson Minnesota Supreme Court Candidate Utterly Incapable Of Obeying The Law

Remember how the good people of the Minnesota Republican Party endorsed Michelle MacDonald as their Supreme Court candidate, presumably because she believes in the Bible pretty much more than anything else, which is just what you want from your judges? But then she forgot to mention that teeny-tiny little problem where she ALLEGEDLY WE SAID ALLEGEDLY drove drunk, refused a breathalyzer, resisted arrest, and is facing trial for that hat trick of stupid? But it’s cool, because she shouldn’t even have to go to trial, because she’s innocent, and it’s just a waste of time to try innocent people. See? Isn’t it clear this lady has an excellent grasp of how the law works? Read more on Drinky McDrunkerson Minnesota Supreme Court Candidate Utterly Incapable Of Obeying The Law…
  Minnesota Nice

Brave Minnesota Job Creator Takes Brave Stand Against Waitresses

greedy minimum wage worker sticking it to the man
Greedy worker Oh good, a brave Job Creator is finally taking a stand against waitresses and also the people who patronize his restaurant by adding a “minimum wage fee” to the bill. Finally someone is dong SOMETHING about greedy servers who can now charge the princely sum of $4.90 – $6.15 per hour for their services! We don’t use the word “hero” often, but nothing short of a hero would protest Minnesota’s first minimum wage increase in nearly a decade. Read more on Brave Minnesota Job Creator Takes Brave Stand Against Waitresses…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Gun Fun: Our Responsible Gun Owners Have Been Busy Bees!

The right to bare legs is much more fun
Good golly, there’s a whole lot of shootin’ going on! America’s Responsible Gun Owners have been keeping the peace all on their lonesome, some with deadlier results than others. Let’s dig through the shell casings and see what’s out there! Read more on Gun Fun: Our Responsible Gun Owners Have Been Busy Bees!…
  One Weird Trick for Losing Your Primary

Minnesota State House Candidate Presents A Prairie Home Slut-Shaming Companion

We have a new front-runner in the race to fill Michele Bachmann’s sizable Minnesotan clown shoes. Meet Sheila Kihne, a small-government conservative who also has “a passion for telling other people what to do.” She’s running for state rep., and she seems nice! Say Sheila, do you have thoughts on what should happen to women undeserving sluts who form babby before walking down the aisle? “Don’t you think that if you’re having a baby — and you’re not married — that you should forego the shower?” she asked. “I also think that if you get married — and are knocked up — you should get married quietly. At a courthouse, at a private home.” Kihne specifically said that there should be no dancing or dinner for prospective brides who are pregnant. She acknowledge [sic] that “I’m seen as very cold-hearted with this issue and it’s caused a couple of big arguments in my family,” but insisted on standing her ground against “the idiots in Hollywood who make it look ‘cool’ to tote a baby around sans daddy.” No dancing, no dice games, and no card-playing, ladies, show some proper Puritanical shame! Kihne does not, however, endorse the forced wearing of a scarlet A in public, so hey, progress. Read more on Minnesota State House Candidate Presents A Prairie Home Slut-Shaming Companion…
  something awful

Minnesota House Candidate Definitely Does Not Know How Babby Is Formed

On the one hand, we’re dreading the next four months because we’re headed into peak silly season for state and national elections and there will be so very much dumb politicking rammed down our throats. On the other hand, we write a political humor mommyblog warblog, and ridiculous things done by ridiculous political people is sort of our bread and butter. So, we’re grateful, sort of, for Minnesota House of Representatives candidate Bob Frey, who has some very interesting, and very confused, ideas about how babies are made and also too about AIDS. SPOILER ALERT: He’s pretty sure it is all about enzymes somehow. Read more on Minnesota House Candidate Definitely Does Not Know How Babby Is Formed…
  the him decade

Al Franken Opponent Knows What Is Funny: Ow, My Balls!

Apparently some poor schmuck is running against Al Franken to represent the great state of Minnesota in the United States Senate. And that guy — Mike McFadden we guess? — is taking it to Franken’s side of the court or his goal or something (sportsball!) by proving he too knows a little bit about the funny, and that is “getting hit in the balls.” But some people find his campaign ad — getting hit in the balls — to be “vulgar” or “family unfriendly” or “like something on that communist website the Wookie” even though America’s Funniest Top Home Video Of People Getting Hit In The Balls was the number one show for 179 years running. Love it or leave it! Read more on Al Franken Opponent Knows What Is Funny: Ow, My Balls!…
  a visit to the goon squad

Bryan Fischer Blessed My Hot Gay Marriage

Yr Wonkette is pleased to bring you a special guest bloogpost by longtime commenter ElviouslyQueer. And congratulations, EQ! What has your intrepid correspondent, the beloved Elviouslyqueer, been up to this weekend? GLAD YOU ASKED! I was in Minnesota, at the Mall of America, getting my very gay ass™ very officially gay married on Saturday (there was a chapel! There were beads! There was booze galore, and delicious cake!). I even rode a mechanical bull, because I am classy and shit. My newly minted hubby and I continued celebrating the next day by going to Twin Cities Pride and laughing at the many, many scantily clad tweens for whom the “Dick Pocket” seemed to be this years’ de rigueur clothing accessory, before heading back to Mississippi. And, you also ask, was there a honeymoon? There was NOT a honeymoon because we are not richer than fuck and cannot afford a two-week long vacay to Mykonos or The Pines or wherever it is where all good gays go (we shopped, also too, so we are now officially the best-dressed poors in the Mid-South). Read more on Bryan Fischer Blessed My Hot Gay Marriage…