GOP Scandal Sweetheart To Headline Ron Paul’s Minneapolis Nightmare
Tuesday, August 19th, 2008
Ron Paul’s exciting all-day sports arena concert in Minneapolis was really missing only one thing: actual entertainment of some kind for the Paultards expected to pay $17.76 (get it?!) plus five-hundred dollars in Ticketmaster fees for the special privilege of sitting with other Paultards in a sports arena just a few miles from the fancy GOP convention in St. Paul, where the rich people will be partying with Kid Rock. And today Dr. Congressman Paul sent out an email announcing his Campaign for Literacy’s star attraction — a Nashville GOP singer gal Tom DeLay tried to keep on Dancing With the Stars even though she had to quit because of an ugly divorce from her drunken porn-loving Craigslist-threesome-having anal-sex addict congressional-candidate husband! MORE »
Ron Paul’s exciting all-day sports arena concert in Minneapolis was really missing only one thing: actual entertainment of some kind for the Paultards expected to pay $17.76 (get it?!) plus five-hundred dollars in Ticketmaster fees for the special privilege of sitting with other Paultards in a sports arena just a few miles from the fancy GOP convention in St. Paul, where the rich people will be partying with Kid Rock. And today Dr. Congressman Paul sent out an email announcing his Campaign for Literacy’s star attraction — a Nashville GOP singer gal Tom DeLay tried to keep on Dancing With the Stars even though she had to quit because of an ugly divorce from her drunken porn-loving Craigslist-threesome-having anal-sex addict congressional-candidate husband! MORE »
First, plans were made for the Republican convention in St. Paul during the first week of September, at the Xcel Center, starring John “Oh him” McCain. Then, wacky freedom-fighter Ron Paul and his Campaign for Literacy anounced a Paultard rally, a weeklong thing that would also take place during the first week of September, but at the Pepsi Center in Minneapolis. Oh and there’s also a socialist May Day rally of some kind, which we only know about because hey, free Steve Earle concert. But also: dirty hippies and laborists. And today we learn Ralph “Malph” Nader is having his secret rally in Minneapolis, too. 
Well, this is a terrible disappointment. The City of St. Paul decided to charge bars $2500 for a license to stay open till 4 a.m. during the anxious, angry slog known as the Republican National Convention — an event to make a drinker out of anyone — not a single establishment has applied. A POX ON ALL THEIR HOUSES. 
Thank you to Wonkette pamphlet operative “Taylor” for sending us this fantastic brochure from the Minneapolis Saint Paul 2008 Host Committee about the exciting upcoming convention. How rad will it be? Well if this pamphlet is any indication, John McCain will enter the arena with his seven children and two wives on a War Elephant — decorated in gold, rubies and fine silks — carrying the Sword of Gryffindor in one hand and the dripping, severed head of Chuck Hagel in the other; he won’t even have to speak because everyone will just be cold goin’ nuts at the sight of this. 
Praise Jesus the Minnesota House Commerce and Labor Committee has approved a very important measure! It allows bars in the Twin Cities metropolitan area to stay open till 4 AM during the Republican National Convention. This will allow local governments to reap greater benefits from out-of-towners’ hot economic injections, while Republicans will have extra time to get liquored up before retiring to their rooms for gentle frottage with underage campaign volunteers. [
If hard-living state legislators have their way, bars in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area may stay open until 4 a.m. during the Republican National Convention in early September. One aggrieved tipster writes to Wonkette: “Sure, us regular alcoholics have to stop at 1:00AM and the Republicans get to drink till 4:00AM. What next, hooker discount coupons?” [
Every so often our Minnesota Correspondent emails us at 3 a.m. or so to bitch at length about something terrible and offensive he read in the Minneapolis Star and Tribune. Last night it was nutty columnist Katherine Kersten. Kersten, in a piece from earlier this week, warns us that poor, beleaguered Minneapolis has become a dangerous and bloody 
American hero and U.S. American Senator Larry Craig has a new ally in his brave battle to un-resign from the Senate and un-plead guilty to trying to get some dick in a public restroom. The American Land Rights Association has announced its support of Craig — one of the bravest, straightest men fighting for property rights in the Western United States — by calling for a boycott of Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport. 
As I mentioned this morning, I am in lovely Minneapolis for the Labor Day Holiday. Meaning I arrived at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport MERE MONTHS after Larry Craig’s reign of terror was finally ended. While I didn’t actually have time to stop by the infamous bathroom by the shoe shine stand (the cops were hassling my ride for parking in the red zone or whatever), there was still media hanging around, doing live spots from the parking lot for no reason other than that they were kind of near where something shocking happened in June. It turns out the local news here (and perhaps in your town as well!) has reached full-on 
President Bush traveled to Minnesota to raise money for dirtbag Senator Norm Coleman, and while he was there he did a little favor for Governor Tim Pawlenty, who hopes to make a career of this whole Republican up-and-comer thing. The weeks-old 35W bridge collapse is now a federal emergency, netting Minnesota instant millions in federal aid, and the help of America’s favorite agency, FEMA.