Tag Archives: millennials

  The kids are all right

Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble

Good way to get out of that Calculus exam.
The kids of Dowling Catholic High School in Des Moines seem pretty cool, for stinky teenagers. They have a substitute teacher they really like, Tyler McCubbin, who is engaged to be married to his boyfriend, in a gay way. Which is legal to do in Iowa. McCubbin was in line for a full-time position at the school, but was rejected because his big gay life, according to the Diocese, “was at odds with Church teaching.” This pissed the students off, so instead of taking it lying down, they decided to stage a walkout: Read more on Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble…
  He Schocked Me And It Felt Like A Kiss

Millennial Congressbro Aaron Schock Catchin’ Tasty Waves All The Way To The Office Of Congressional Ethics

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
Looks like it might not all be fun and games and romantic Indian getaways with his “personal photographer” and taxpayer-funded (but reimbursed!) “Downton Abbey”-inspired interior decor for “the first millennial congressman,” Aaron Schock. Stories of Schock’s luxurious “business trips” and extravagant spending and unreported jet-setting keep, uh, coming out, and that is raising a few questions for the pride and joy of Peoria, Illinois: Read more on Millennial Congressbro Aaron Schock Catchin’ Tasty Waves All The Way To The Office Of Congressional Ethics…
  The KKK Took My Baby Away And Ate My Homework

Poor Dears At U Of Iowa Terribly Upset By Anti-Racist Art Piece. Makeup Tests For Everyone!

Even the far-left liberal blog Wonkette says you don't get a free pass over art that bothers you
The University of Iowa has urged faculty members to let students miss or re-take tests if they were upset over some campus art that was SUPER RACIST (because it addressed racism). Apparently some students were so broken up over either the artwork itself — or the controversy surrounding its removal by the university — that they simply couldn’t get their schoolwork done. Letting students ignore their assignments because they had really strong feelings about a work of art strikes us as maybe a bad idea? Read more on Poor Dears At U Of Iowa Terribly Upset By Anti-Racist Art Piece. Makeup Tests For Everyone!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Not-Racist Mississippi Gent Very Sorry Now For All That Not-Racism

According to his notes, he's very sorry now
Hooray, we have defeated racism once again! It seems like it was just days ago that Mississippi state Rep. Gene Alday (R-Even Though Democrats Are The REAL Racists) was still trying to justify his charming reflections on coming “from a town where all the blacks are getting food stamps and what I call ‘welfare crazy checks.'” Oh right! That’s because it was on Monday, of this very same week, that he said those comments were supposed to be “off the record.” Plus, the reporter who’d cornered him into saying that stuff had called him “late at night,” and everyone knows how easily racism rolls right off the tongue after sundown. Not that it was racism, mind you, because as Alday was insisting up until a second ago, “I didn’t do anything wrong. The guy made me look like a fool.” So, per the standard procedure of Racist Dude Says Racist Thing, after “out of context” and “I’m not sorry cuz I didn’t do nothin’ wrong,” we have the sincere and very credible apology: Read more on Not-Racist Mississippi Gent Very Sorry Now For All That Not-Racism…
  Here have some news n stuff

GOP Looks To The Future, Thinks It Over, Sells Reagan/Bush T-Shirts Instead

So fashion forward!
Republicans are SO going to take back the White House in 2016 from those evil Democrats who’ve been in control of everything for the last 30 years, THANKS OBAMA. And they’ll do it with cutting-edge technology and 21st century ideas. What, why are you laughing? Read more on GOP Looks To The Future, Thinks It Over, Sells Reagan/Bush T-Shirts Instead…
  Here have some news n stuff

Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe

He'll take the help, but it's gonna hurt
With the clock ticking toward Thursday, when our U.S. of America government will be officially out of pocket change and out of business, the do-nothing layabouts in Congress have maybe cobbled together a deal to avoid that. Hooray, end-of-year bonuses for all of you, for doing such a good job at doing your jobs! Especially you, Speaker John Boehner, for agreeing to suck it up and beg the Democrats to take pity on you by giving you a hand. Read more on Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe…
  Here have some news n stuff

Not Ready For Hillary? Too Bad, Facebook Already Made Her President

Basically the winner already
In case you didn’t get the memo, it is already 2016. It is soooooo already 2016. In fact, Facebook is already projecting the winner of the next presidential election, so everyone else who’s just getting started on teasing about hinting about exploring the idea of thinking about announcing a run for the White House can just pack up and go home because it’s already over. According to ABC News, this BREAKING! EXCLUSIVE!!! information shows that — hang on to your hats, folks, this is big — Hillary Clinton has more likes and interactions on Facebook than any of those Republican also-rans, so we can pretty much call it a day and start practicing saying Madam President.Guess it’s pretty convenient we didn’t even have to bother voting, huh? Read more on Not Ready For Hillary? Too Bad, Facebook Already Made Her President…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Paul Ryan Has A ‘Book,’ Bald Eagle Poop Isn’t Purple, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Good morning, everything is terrible again. Hooray, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-His Butt) has a new book out, called How I Learned To Stop Caring What Jesus Actually Had To Say Because I Sure Do Hate The Poors, or whatever he’s calling it, who cares? Courtesy of The Agenda Project Action Fund, please enjoy the original book cover above. You’re welcome. Read more on Paul Ryan Has A ‘Book,’ Bald Eagle Poop Isn’t Purple, And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
 

Socialist Millennials Will Be The Next Reagan Youth. Also: Confused

The fun libertarians (just kidding) at Reason have a big new poll out about Millennials — okay, not “about” Millennials, as in that case the answer would just be “Millennials suck,” but rather asking Millennials for their “thoughts” about “stuff.” Luckily, the poll confirms everything we have been saying about them since 1986 or so: these little fuckers will be the next Reagan Youth. They are all “waah, cut government” and “waaah, cut Social Security” and “waaah, Obama did not give me anything except reduced student loan payments and health insurance so I do not die of easily preventable diseases and some SNAP benefits so I do not die of scurvy and extended unemployment benefits so I do not die of homelessness except I never held a job long enough to qualify because I quit once I found out the boss of the business was going to tell me to do stuff, HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR I HAVE RIGHTS, MAAAAAN and also Obama did drones :( gonna update my tumblr brb.” Oh, and also all Millennials are Socialists. Socialists who want to cut the government and Social Security. Let’s sexplore! Read more on Socialist Millennials Will Be The Next Reagan Youth. Also: Confused…
  like top gear without cars or the stig or jeremy clarkson

NRA’s New Video Series Will Millennial You So Hard Brah

Looks like the NRA’s exciting new Young Fresh Face, Colion Noir, has gotten himself a hip new official NRA webcast where he can Gun It Up for a new generation of gun fondlers. Mr. Noir, the hot sensation of YouTube videos where he shoots every gun ever made, is here to make shootin’ irons hip, youth-oriented, and as the young folk say, “fresh.” There’s no way to top Elizabeth Nolan Brown’s description at Reason, so we’ll just steal shamelessly: The overall effect suggests the show was written by a bot exclusively pulling from the Washington Free Beacon and Perez Hilton. Twerking! Trolling! Trans fats! Spotify! Statists! Ah, but it’s not just that — for instance, there’s also a hint of Maxim, or maybe the old “What sort of man reads PLAYBOY?” ads: you want to be an urban sophisticate? Well Noir is going to tell you about “Fine watches, fast cars, and the finest guns — technology at its finest, a level of craftsmanship that takes decade upon decade to achieve.” Maybe he’ll even let you listen to his hi-fi set, with the $6800 speaker cables, too. Read more on NRA’s New Video Series Will Millennial You So Hard Brah…
  kids these days

Millennials, Your Boss Should Not Call Your Mommy To Talk About Your Job

When we were young people, we would have blanched at the thought of our potential boss calling our parents about our potential job, though it is tough to imagine the CEO of Starbuck would have called Mom about our barista gig. But this is now a thing bosses do, and thing millennials like. We are dismayed and confused and old. Read more on Millennials, Your Boss Should Not Call Your Mommy To Talk About Your Job…
  deep thoughts with bristol palin

Bristol Palin So Sad About All Those Lazy Millennials, Wishes They Were Awesome Like Her

Would you like to know what Bristol Palin, who makes a living (?) occasionally dancing as a gorilla, thinks about hard work? Like for instance the hard work that went into the following blogpost (no need to click through; this is it in its entirety!)? “Lazy hands make a man poor, but diligent hands bring wealth.” Proverbs 10:4 I came across this Scripture and wanted to pass it along. I love it because it reminds me of my parents and the work ethic they instilled in all of us kids. If you want something, you go out and work for it. No one owes you anything, and I’m embarrassed to be in a generation that doesn’t have that mindset. Honest, hard work, is the only way to do it right. Don’t rely on anyone to provide for you. The world doesn’t owe you anything! Also, to be fair, she did choose and upload a picture. (Still no need to click through, it is a picture of hard hats.) How lazy is Bristol Palin? She is so lazy she does not even bother to find out that we don’t knock Millennials for being lazy. We knock them for many many other things entirely! Read more on Bristol Palin So Sad About All Those Lazy Millennials, Wishes They Were Awesome Like Her…
  media circus

New York Times Now Holding Up Poor NYU Juniors For Terrible Ridicule, Mockery (By Us)

Why are you doing this, New York Times? Why are you taking what we’re sure is a very nice young woman, and forcing us to mock her horribly, and unkindly — as horribly and unkindly as if she’d put up a terrible Thought Catalog — when all she wanted was to find a reasonably nice apartment near NYU? NYT, are you actually evil? Read more on New York Times Now Holding Up Poor NYU Juniors For Terrible Ridicule, Mockery (By Us)…
  you're all ingrates

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special How Do We Get A Christmas Card From John Waters Edition

Man, this Sunday’s New York Times is a total drag. Some communist must have taken over the real estate section, because all we have are stories of people looking for co-ops in Bed-Stuy or some such nonsense. Not a single $20 million house story! UNFAIR. INPEACH NEW YORK TIMES. Oh well. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special How Do We Get A Christmas Card From John Waters Edition…
  you're a white suburban punk like me

Millennials Pretty Sick Of Mean Old Perfesser President

What’s up, Millennials? Being special snowflakes? We know it is hard out there — we really do! For instance, there are no jobs for you, and that is terrible! Sure, you also have a wee little tendency to yell at your bosses they are not the boss of you and you are the smartest and bestest and know way more than them and you are never to be criticized ever, which is a weird way to keep the jobs you actually get, but as we all know you don’t take those jobs anyway, because they insist you wear pants. We also know that if you are still in college, your mommy will call your professor if you’re not happy with your Pity B Minus, which was a gift, by the way. We know these things because we have been both your boss and your professor (AND ALSO YOUR MOM), and let us tell you, YOU ARE A TREAT! But that is old news and we expect no different. It is not your fault. We blame society! But have you managed to surprise even us with the depths of your latest scraggly, inchoate whine? Verily! Let us sexamine the graph above, which we assumed was a dumb lie as it was brought to us by FrontPageMag. Imagine our surprise when we clicked through to the source — a Harvard Institute of Politics poll — and found out it was not a dumb lie! And that Millennials, those perfect darlings, actually have a clear majority that would recall Barack Obama from office if they could! Read more on Millennials Pretty Sick Of Mean Old Perfesser President…
  a civil debate

Point-Counterpoint: Are Millennials Lazy Entitled Narcissists?

Time Magazine is here to troll everyone with yet another cover story about Kids These Days and Their Lawns (Getting Off of). We have not read it, because Time Magazine. And yet we have decided to debate this Important Issue anyway. Taking the pro-Millennial position will be Rich Abdill (12). Taking the anti-Millennial position will be Rebecca Schoenkopf (40 And Foxy). The child will begin. Read more on Point-Counterpoint: Are Millennials Lazy Entitled Narcissists?…
  the unbearable lightness of being

We Genocided The Indians And Enslaved The Slaves So Man-Child Could Live With Parents And Whine About Voting

Happy Columbus Day, Merkins! Are you so grateful to be a citizen of the US-of-A on this, the day we commemorate how we came over and righteously kicked some Injun ass? How about if you knew we had given our righteous ass-kickings so terrible man-children could live in their parents’ garage apartments, decline full time jobs teaching in their fields, take long meandering drives to nowhere, and then whine about how hard it is to choose between Miffed Romney and B. Barry Bamz, because Mr. Bamz has yet to bring them their own personal ponies? USA! USA! Wonkers, meet the most punchable man in America. Read more on We Genocided The Indians And Enslaved The Slaves So Man-Child Could Live With Parents And Whine About Voting…
  you are not the boss of me

Snot-Nosed South Carolina State Rep. Proves You Must Stop Electing These Whippersnappers

Millennials! First they shit all over your dress code and then when you call them on it they huff off in a snit and then they make up a bunch of unbelievable nonsense about why they didn’t show up to work for two months and then when you’re all “Hi, Republican state Rep. Eric Bikas, will you be joining us in the workplace?” they’re all “FUCK YOU OLD MAN, I ANSWER TO MY CONSTITUENTS, NOT TO YOU!” Ask any HR rep; kids in their 20s do not think anyone should be the boss of them ever. (Also, their moms come with them to the job interview.) (Also, Your Wonkette knows a Millennial who declined to show up on the first day of a $40,000/year job, because it would have required the wearing of pants.) Read more on Snot-Nosed South Carolina State Rep. Proves You Must Stop Electing These Whippersnappers…