Tag Archives: military

  Followed by Faghatin' Fridays and Sexist Saturdays

Army Unit Has ‘Racial Thursdays’ Tradition To Relieve Stress Of Not Being Racist The Other Days

Come to serve your country, stay for the constant racial denigration!
Who is in trouble for racism this time? Oh, hello, it is a platoon of soldiers at Fort Wainwright in Alaska who have allegedly been holding an unauthorized “Racial Thursdays” event, where everybody gets to say all the awful racist shit that they’ve been thinking the whole week, but have had to swallow, due to the pressures of being civilized human beings: Read more on Army Unit Has ‘Racial Thursdays’ Tradition To Relieve Stress Of Not Being Racist The Other Days…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
If you enjoyed the Inception-inspired editing featured in last week’s Fartknocker Report, you will be a sad panda today, because Sarah Palin’s back to her standard derpsplaining-into-the-camera format. She published five videos this week, which might make it seem like she put in a full work week. On closer inspection, however, Palin’s wearing the same jacket in two videos published two days apart, with a total run time of 10 whole minutes and 24 seconds. Both videos focus on Obama’s foreign policy failures, and we will bet our bottom Bitcoin she shot them both in the same sitting. We are really not joking about Palin running a terrifyingly efficient grift in the game. Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Add China To List Of Countries Sarah Palin Can See From Her House…
  Semper Tea

Traitor Barack Obama Murders America Again, With A Cup

America: the last days
America is finally dead. Completely dead. Oh sure, you thought maybe it was dead before when the Kenyan socialist Muslim Nazi indoctrinated innocent schoolchildren by urging them to study hard, or when the feckless tyrant wimp dictator made Marines hold umbrellas, but this time our once-great nation is dead, dead, dead. Barack Obama held a Styrofoam cup full of tea while he came down the steps of Marine One Tuesday and (it pains us so much to write this that we can barely make out the keyboard through our tears) kept the cup in his hand while saluting his Marine guards. The final moment of America, a once-great nation, was even sent out on Instagram by the White House, just to gloat over the unspeakable crime: Read more on Traitor Barack Obama Murders America Again, With A Cup…
  Your ego is writing checks your soul can't cash

Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God

Whenever we have another awful natural disaster that wreaks havoc on America and kills folks, Bible-humpers will have a ready excuse on hand. Climate change? Hahaha, don’t be naive, you moron. Read more on Air Force Dishonorably Discharges God…
  and who says journalism is dead?

Military.com Leads Pulitzer Race With SHOCKING Discovery That Troops Want More Money

Are you ready to be shocked? Not just shocked, but SHOCKED? In an effort to scoop the VOX-FiveThirtyEight-Industrial-Statistical-Complex, Military.com has put together a super-sophisticated voluntary online poll that asks the really tough questions: Do you want to make more money, or less? Do you want to know the results? Can you even imagine what those results might be? Because it is a really hard question to answer, and we bet that you will never ever guess what that answer is. The answer is: About nine in 10 active-duty service members oppose the Defense Department’s proposals to reduce their pay raises and basic allowances for housing, according to a new survey by Military.com. In an online chatcave survey of wonket writers, nine out of ten of us were drunk. But ten out of ten thought that this was a stupid fucking survey. Eleven out of ten of us wondered why news outlets bothered to give it coverage. Let’s sadsplore.  Read more on Military.com Leads Pulitzer Race With SHOCKING Discovery That Troops Want More Money…
  Boys will be boys

Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else

So we want to applaud folks like Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) who are fighting the good fight to stop all the sexual assaulting in our military. What’s the big deal, though? Can chicks just not handle a little afternoon raping? Don’t they know that boys will be boys, and that boobs wouldn’t be groped if God had not made boobs so perky and grope-able? Totally the Big Guy’s fault. Well, at least the military is having more training about sexual assault, and it’s not like the Army top sexual assault prosecutor would go to a training on sexual assault and grope a lady, because that would be ALL THE FUCKED UP, KATIE. Per Stars and Stripes: The top Army prosecutor for sexual assault cases has been suspended after a lawyer who worked for him recently reported he’d groped her and tried to kiss her at a sexual-assault legal conference more than two years ago. For serious, Army? Of all the people you have to choose from to deal with this issue, how come you can’t find someone who will at least wait until the sexual assault legal conference is over before sexually assaulting a woman? Allegedly. Read more on Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else…
  hot buttered guns

GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts

If Congress signs off on the Pentagon’s latest plans, the US Army will be smaller than it’s been since before your grandpa fought at the Battle of the Bulge, Iwo Jima, Pearl Harbor, D-Day, X-Men, and Cracker Barrel, yer Gramma got a coupon. This might look like a “cut” in the sense that something is being reduced, except it’s not; the Pentagon plans to spend $115 billion more over the next five years than the Budget Control Act of 2011, aka the sequester, would have permitted. Remember the sequester? The thing that such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul of Texas voted for? The sequester cut the defense budget by about 10%! It was “devastating,” we heard! So such members of Congress as GOP Rep. Mike McCaul are probably thrilled with the idea of giving $115 more billion dollars to our military, right? “It’s all being sacrificed … on the altar of entitlements. This president cannot take on mandatory spending, so all we’ve done in the Congress — and this president — is basically cut discretionary spending,” [Rep. McCaul] told Fox News. Yep, he’s thrilled all right! He has found another thing to point at and yell “Obama takers did a socialism!” while being a huge hypocrite at the very same time. Mike McCaul for Darrell Issa 2016! Read more on GOP Rep. So Mad At Takers, Obama For Military Cuts That Aren’t Actually Cuts…
  B is for oh give it a rest already

Republicans On House Armed Services Committee Helped Obama Murder Benghazi, Probably

In a development that will shut up exactly no one, the Republicans on the House Armed Services Committee released a report on BENGHAAAAAAZI!!! knocking down yet another conspiracy-theory talking point: that on the night of the attack U.S. military forces were given an order to “stand down,” thus preventing them from rushing headlong into the fight and saving the day, G.I. Joe-style. This is a great disappointment to the Chickenhawk Caucus of wingnut bloggers, whose panties are perpetually moist over their fantasies of sending other people blundering into dangerous combat environments while they sit at home jerking off and playing “Call of Duty.” That the president told the military to “stand down” while the consulate in Benghazi was under attack has been a shibboleth for wingnuts everywhere, along with the debunked “Nobama never called it a terrorist attack,” “Susan Rice lied,” “No one was ever held accountable,” and god knows what else the knuckle-draggers have dredged up from the depths of their febrile minds. This new report clarifies things a bit. Read more on Republicans On House Armed Services Committee Helped Obama Murder Benghazi, Probably…
  christmas miracles

How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!

Hey Congress, watcha doing? Making laws and working hard, ahahahhaha, yeah right, pardon us and our humor. The House has already skipped town to go home and await the arrival of White Santa, and the Senate just finished voting on the two-year compromise budget resolution, which passed 57-33. A COMPROMISE?!?! Yep, it seems that Sen. Patty Murray (D-Sneakers) and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-P90X) came together on a very small budget deal that will maybe possibly prevent a government shutdown. Congress has been fellating itself all week because that’s what you do when you accomplish ONE GODDAM THING. We bet you want to know what is in this budget, don’t ya? Let’s wonksplore.  Read more on How Will Congress’s New Budget Murder You And Your Children? A Wonksplainer!…
  a little more talk and a lot less action

In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again

Hey ladies. 2014 is around the corner, and that means that more GOP candidates will be mansplaining to you about how you shouldn’t be raped illegitimately and that military boys will be rapey boys so shut your mouth and make a goddam sammich. But this time around, the GOP wants to win over the Ovary-American vote. Not through legislation around equal pay or the ability to make decisions about their bodies, because that’s just silly. No, the GOP wants to learn its candidates to talk more better to the ladies, per Politico: The National Republican Congressional Committee wants to make sure there are no Todd Akin-style gaffes next year, so it’s meeting with top aides of sitting Republicans to teach them what to say — or not to say — on the trail, especially when their boss is running against a woman. In Merica, where 54% of the electorate are vagina-Americans, the majority of the House of Representatives needs to hold classes on how not to insult women. If this isn’t American Exceptionalism, we don’t know what is. Let’s sexplore.  Read more on In 2014, GOP Tries New Tactic Of Not Being Dickish To Women, Again…
  eating was fun while it lasted

Kansas GOP Jealous Of Congress Hogging All The Ways To Shame Poor Hungry People

You know what’s bringing this country down? Not big money in politics, not gerrymandering Congressional districts to create 832 safe seats, and not even bakeries shutting down because they can’t be bigots. No, those are all peripheral issues — the real problem in America is the poors. Seriously, it’s sickening how poor people are just so… poor. They live in ramshackle houses, drive old cars, and don’t even have the decency to wear tailored suits! Seriously, just get some money and stop whining about being poor already, k? Such downers. If there is anything the GOP has taught us, its that the best way to deal with poors is the same way you deal with uppity womyn who want nonsense like equality and non-rapey militaries: shame the lot of them until they go away or die. Well, Kansas is stepping up to the (empty) plate, per HuffPo: Thousands of Kansans could lose food stamps under a new state policy that congressional Republicans hope to implement nationwide. Oh,  joy. A pilot project! Read more on Kansas GOP Jealous Of Congress Hogging All The Ways To Shame Poor Hungry People…
  everything turning up rainbows for gaymerica

Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers

Gays have it so easy, man. They can marry in 13 states, people – THIRTEEN! That’s as many as were originally in America when Jesus walked across the Atlantic Ocean to found this nation! And they can serve openly in the military, no longer having to fear being outed as they risk their lives in bullshit wars that we fought ’cause of daddy issues. But it seems that the gays are never satisfied, and keep wrangling for special benefits because they are so privileged. Well, one brave senator is sick and tired of all the special benefits that the LGBTQMORELETTERS community continue to get in America, and he is not going to take it anymore! Per ThinkProgress: Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-OK) blasted a proposed Pentagon policy aimed at giving same-sex couples the time to travel to states where they can legally marry on Thursday. YES! Anger at the military for policies about teh gheys!! This is just the kind of outreach envisioned after a crushing 2012 electoral defeat where 95% of gays voted for that effeminate Obama character! Let’s gaysplore what has Inhofe’s panties in a totally-not-gay wad.   Read more on Brave, Totally Not Homophobic Oklahoma Senator Fights For Equality Of Straight Soldiers…
  dirka dirka!

How Is The House GOP Helping Al Qaeda And Terrorism Today?

Don’t look now, but the House GOP is doing its best to help radical Islamist jihadists gain followers in war-torn Syria. The Duece!, you say? And you thought that the GOP was the party of pew pew pew, anti-terrorist Team America Fuck Yeah, huh? Then why are they working so hard to make it so easy for pro-Al-Queda types to recruit? Perhaps because they are FUCKING IDIOTS WHO DON’T KNOW A GODDAM THING ABOUT HOW THE WORLD WORKS. In a nutshell, radical, pro-Al-Queda types in Syria are doing their damndest to feed a very hungry population in order to win over folks. Meanwhile, the House GOP is doing their damndest to cut funding for food aid and foreign aid. Wonder how this story ends. Buckle your safety-belts, Wonketeers, because there’s a wonksplanaiton straight ahead.  Read more on How Is The House GOP Helping Al Qaeda And Terrorism Today?…
  it's the end of the world as we know it

Weird Tuesday Nice Time: Rand Paul, Ted Cruz Take Break From Being Dicks

We live in weird times, and we are not talking about just gay marijuana orgies in Colorado, because Sens. Rand Paul (R-KY) and Ted Cruz (R-TX) are joining Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) on her military sexual assault bill. According to Politico: The tea party favorites give the bill’s lead sponsor, Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, critical conservative cover as she battles the Pentagon and hawks in both parties on her proposal to create a new prosecution system for major military crimes. We are not sure how to react. We know that Ted Cruz is batshit crazy and rude to old ladies, and that Rand Paul hires and keeps “allegedly” racist staffers, but it appears that they are doing something good here. SO MUCH COGNITIVE DISSONANCE.  Read more on Weird Tuesday Nice Time: Rand Paul, Ted Cruz Take Break From Being Dicks…
  Boys will be boys

GOP: Rape Is Just Nature’s Way of Keeping Women Out of Military

Holy fucking shitbags, GOP, are you even trying to compete for the womyn vote anymore? If you are, you are doing a fantastically terrible job and it, and all libruls should just hope you continue talking right up to election day, because you are seriously going above and beyond the call of duty. The Senate Armed Services Committee held a hearing on the rampant sexual assault epidemic that is happening all over the military. You know – rapes, groping, pats on the ass, sexual intimidation, things womyn whine about while they are on the rag, right? Chicks, man. First up, we have Sen. Grumpy McPoopypants from Arizona. We are used to chuckling at McCain because he is a dottering olde fool who seems cranky all the time, but this time he went from absent-minded “I don’t know how many houses I own” and calling his wife a trollop cunt to straight up sexist piece of ratshit: Sen. John McCain is so disturbed by rampant sexual assault in the military that he cannot give his “unconditional support” to women thinking of joining the armed services. Notice how he doesn’t say that men are the problem? Apparently, the problem with 26,000 women (and some men) facing sexual assault is just too many damn women. You ladies would be better off just cleaning or something, k? You do not have John McCain’s “unconditional support” to volunteer to risk your FUCKING LIVES to protect this cowardly, wrinkly waste of skin yapping his oversized jowls about not supporting you. Here’s a suggestion: men should stop being rapey, and if they persist, perhaps kick their ass out of the military and make the military FUCKING SAFE. Perhaps you can get off your pathetic ass and write a piece of legislation that makes it better, rather than just telling women to think twice about joining the military. But then, did things get worse with old Republican men opening their cockholsters about rapes in the military? Oh, Lucy, they did! Read more on GOP: Rape Is Just Nature’s Way of Keeping Women Out of Military…
  wonkette world o' books

Wonkette Book Club: We Are All Gay For Rachel Maddow’s Book

One nice thing about writing for Yr Wonkette is that we don’t even have to pretend to hide our raging nerd-crush on Rachel Maddow, or pretend that we don’t just melt in fannish excitement when she acknowledges the existence of our little mommyblog — she’s called Wonkette “profane and excellent” on air…twice! (Squeee!) So we also won’t pretend that we weren’t already predisposed to like her book Drift: The Unmooring of American Military Power, published last year but newly released in paperback. But unlike so many books by TV/political people — even pretty good ones, like Al Franken’s Lies And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them — Drift isn’t just a series of riffs that make some excellent points while giving you some larffs. It’s a sustained argument about what’s gone haywire in America’s use of military power, with the kind of keen dot-connecting that works so well for Maddow in her on-air commentaries. And it starts with a dedication that you know is from the heart: “To former vice president Dick Cheney. Oh, please let me interview you.” Read more on Wonkette Book Club: We Are All Gay For Rachel Maddow’s Book…
  in the navy

That Is So Weird That Guy Advising Mitt Romney On Our ‘Too-Small’ Navy Just Happens To Be In The Ship-Building Biz

Here’s the thing about the Navy: it needs more ships. And possibly more bayonets, so as not to offend the bayonet-Americans. But definitely more ships. This is self-evidently true according to presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who astutely observed the other night that our air force is “older than any time since 1947.” This is also self-evidently true!  So the solution here is more ships, which you can use to attack Syria (a.k.a. “Iran’s route to the sea”) and if you get bored with that, you can sail on over to Afghanistan, which will be very helpful to our men and women and uniform. So yeah, more ships, says Romney, who is being advised by some guy who by coincidence just so happens to invest in ship-building companies. Does his opinion on navy ships have to do with these ties to ship-building companies? No, of course not, his opinion on navy ships just has to do with Keeping Us Safe.™ Read more on That Is So Weird That Guy Advising Mitt Romney On Our ‘Too-Small’ Navy Just Happens To Be In The Ship-Building Biz…
  rafalca goes to war

Fox News Cannot Believe Obama Is Unfamiliar With Cutting-Edge Weapon ‘The Bayonet’

Mitt Romney got his ass handed to him last night, but to be fair, sometimes he handed himself his own ass, like when he claimed that Syria was Iran’s “route to the sea” and also, most of the other times that he opened his mouth and words came out. (Maybe the moderator could have helped him out by asking a question about the Cayman Islands? Last we heard, those are foreign!) ANYWAY, probably the finest of these non-self-inflicted ass-handing moments came when Romney was comparing today’s military to the military of the early 20th century, arguing that Obama was going to leave America unsafe forever and ever by refusing to give the Navy a bunch of ships they never asked for. Obama replied that yeah, he’s going to give them fewer ships, because DUH, they use fewer ships, and also, fewer horses and bayonets, IDIOT. This, however, hurt Fox News’ feelings, as it is apparently still remembering with longing 1917 in Flanders Fields. And it also hurt the feelings of this one serviceman who Tweeted at Fox News that we still do use bayonets in the military! Read more on Fox News Cannot Believe Obama Is Unfamiliar With Cutting-Edge Weapon ‘The Bayonet’…
  Someone Else

Hero Congressman Calls For Shoving Military Gays Back Into Closet

Have you heard of Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan (R-kindofsucks)? That’s ok, he is probably pretty useless most of the time, unless you live in his district, in which case he most likely ruins a lot of stuff for you. Anyway, he has had the bright idea of promising to reinstate Don’t Ask Don’t Tell if he is re-elected and his party retakes the House in November. But what about all our Heroes and Warriors that have already come out of the closet? Oh, we’ll just shove them back in, it will be fine, they probably liked it there anyway. Read more on Hero Congressman Calls For Shoving Military Gays Back Into Closet…
  where was your flag pin sir???

Mitt Romney Didn’t Ignore The Troops, He Said ‘Military’ Like Twice

When Mitt Romney (remember, the one running for president against Michelle Obama’s husband) spoke at the Republican National Convention, he mentioned pretty much everything that’s ever existed except America’s men and women in uniform. The liberal media turned this into A Thing, and so Mitt Romney took to Fox News to answer the question on everyone’s mind: Baier: To hear several speakers in Charlotte – and I don’t think this is a jump – they were essentially saying you don’t care about the U.S. military because you didn’t mention U.S. troops and the war in Afghanistan in your nomination acceptance speech. We understand you went to the American Legion the day before and you talked about the service and sacrifice of the military there. Do you regret opening up this line of attack, now a recurring attack, by leaving out that issue in the speech? Wait…the question is whether Romney regrets opening up the line of attack? Is this what you learn in the Hillsdale College Journalism School? What was the show production meeting like before this interview? PRODUCER: “Hey, Bret, ask Romney a question about the troop thing, but not actually about the troop thing.” BRET BAIER: “How about if I ask if he regrets letting Democrats attack him on it?” PRODUCER: “Perfect! Can you add some more quaver to your voice, though? Really sell it.” So, how did Romney answer this softball? Well, fucking terribly. Read more on Mitt Romney Didn’t Ignore The Troops, He Said ‘Military’ Like Twice…
  the evil liberal media

Fox News Reveals (Possible) Name of Secret SEAL War Hero Author Guy!

Fox News loves the troops, protects the troops, and will stand in the way of anyone who would hurt the troops and national security and the heartland and troop families, and such. Just last year, when New York’s gay carnival blog Gawker tried to guess the name of the CIA’s “Bin Laden Hunter,” the outlet was trashed and condemned on both the Fox News website and teevee channels forever and ever. That would be putting that HERO’s life in danger! That was a year ago. Now did you hear that there’s a member of SEAL Team 6 writing a Bin Laden raid tell-all, under a pseudonym? Fox News would like to tell you his name! Read more on Fox News Reveals (Possible) Name of Secret SEAL War Hero Author Guy!…