Do you love to know what the politicians will say about an hour before they say it? Then you’ll love reading tonight’s speeches by nasty sex ferret Rudy Giuliani, Mormon charmer Mitt Romney, and “You Might Be A Redneck” star Mike Huckabee. Go ahead, read them or whatever. MORE »

YOUR WEDNESDAY NIGHT WONKETTE-RNC SCHEDULE: Live coverage and liveblogging of our favorites dudes: Billionaire space monster Mitt Romney, squirrel-licker Mike Huckabee, and rancid rat beast Rudy Giuliani! Plus: There’s some lady from Alaska, the beloved statesman Sarah Palin, who has more experience than Gandhi, Churchill and Stalin put together! [The Page]

Mike Huckabee appeared on Hannity & Colmes last night to weigh in on Barack Obama’s complete move to the center in the last few weeks. Now, we made up our minds about this slimeball Obama after Charles Krauthammer observantly noted that Obama “assiduously obliterates all differences with McCain on national security and social issues” in his positioning these days. If one thing is true in this life, it’s that Charles Krauthammer HAS THE MIND OF TWENTY EINSTEINS. And yet here comes Mike Huckabee, offering yet another take on Obama’s all-encompassing triangulation. Huckabee says everything we’ve always thought but never quite realized: Barack Obama — to his detriment — is becoming less and less like Jesse Helms every single day. MORE »

Famous American blogger Mike Huckabee is in Japan right now, eating sushi and looking at solar things. He wants his fellow Republicans to beware “disputable ‘internet facts’” and “internet driven drivel” about Barack Obama. Oh Mr. Huckabee you lovable nut! The Internet is nothing but disputable facts and driven drivel. [Huck PAC]

As a presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee had no money, staff, or knowledge of foreign policy. He did have an economic policy, but it was the Fair Tax, that famously comical pyramid scheme. So how did he get the second most delegates? Metaphors. Extended metaphors. Millions of extended metaphors about key lime pie and yard work and skinning ducks, or other archetypal aspects of the Average American’s daily life. And now that he wants to be John McCain’s vice president, he has a new metaphor to explain the situation: he wants the football captain to ask him to prom, mostly because he wants to wear a pretty dress. MORE »

This weekend, Mike Huckabee gave North Carolina lieutenant governor candidate Robert Pittenger a fried squirrel liver, knowing that it was tough, so when Pittenger choked, Huckabee came and hugged him from behind (as per the Heimlich Manuever), saving his life, making himself Vice President. Or, he was merely humping a man who was choking to death. [ABC News]

John McCain spoke to his Confederate friends at the N.R.A. convention last week, shortly after Mike Huckabee made a joke about killing Barry Obama. McCain uttered such horrible sentences as this: “Someone should tell Senator Obama that ducks are usually hunted with shotguns.” Ha ha, what was he even talking about? DUCKS? MORE »

Here he is, your favorite evangelical former Arkansas governor and failed GOP candidate Mike Huckabee, cracking up the NRA folks with the old “Hey the colored boy is a-scared of your rifles” line. Ha ha ha! [Daily Kos/Gawker]

The enfeebled Mexican liberal John McCain might be the presumptive nominee of the Republican party, but that didn’t stop about 25 percent of the Republican voters in recent primaries from casting their ballots for such worthies as Alan Keyes, Ron Paul, Mike Huckabee, and “Undecided.” So how will the candidate who is barely tolerated by most of his voters and enthusiastically loathed by a significant few hope to do in the fall? MORE »

A woman who works in a restaurant at the Little Rock airport said she was fired after she held up a Hillary Clinton sign in view of John McCain’s landing plane. Micah Qualls says former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee saw her holding up the sign in the parking lot and complained to her boss, who promptly canned her. But Mike Huckabee and her boss say no such thing happened, and this is all a terrible misunderstanding! So who’s lying — the sassy lassie who starred in a local theater production of “Anything Goes,” or the devout governor whose covenant wedding Qualls protested three years ago? MORE »

Remember way back in JANUARY when math-hating yokel Mike Huckabee looked, for about five minutes, like he might win the Republican presidential nomination? Soon you’ll be able to relive the magic all over again, because he is writing a book, about his campaign! He’ll share secrets like how to gain 35 pounds on the campaign trail without even trying; how to talk your wife into putting a paper bag over her head during Jesus-approved procreative activities; and why Chuck Norris would have made the best Treasury Secretary since Alexander Hamilton. MORE »