Wonkette

Many have commented on this strange new ticking time-bomb version of MikeHuckabee.com. It appears that he is not nuking the earth with space rockets, as most assumed. Instead, he is starting some strange new right-wing christian “political organization,” because Lord knows we need more of that. He’ll explain it tonight on a conference call, to nobody. [MikeHuckabee.com, Jonathan Martin]

Last month in New Orleans, a secret cabal of leaders from the Christian right met to discuss their evil plans. Among them was Paul Weyrich, a big wig with the Moral Majority, Heritage Foundation and the super-secret Council for National Policy. Weyrich had previously supported Mittens “Mitt” Romney, and took the occasion to apologize for not supporting Mike Huckabee, the bass-playing Arkansas ex-fattie who people only liked because he told comical jokes written by your grandfather. MORE »

Bill Clinton’s latest Little Rock bastard baby can no longer marry Mike Huckabee’s latest Jesus baby in Arkansas, saving the world for now, but ruining Democracy in the future. On Wednesday, Arkansas Gov. Mike Beebe signed a measure repealing “a law that mistakenly allowed anyone — even toddlers — to marry with parental permission.” MORE »

Former presidential candidate Rev. Mike Huckabee knows him some God, and since he also sort of hates the Republican party, he’s done the unspeakable: defend Obama’s nuanced take on Rev. Jeremiah Wright! On yesterday’s edition of MSNBC’s Morning Joe, Huckabee offered this liberal apologist take on Jeremiah Wright’s white racism: “Sometimes people do have a chip on their shoulder and resentment. And you have to just say, I probably would too.” Mike Huckabee also thinks gay sex is essentially man-on-horse sex, so take it with a grain of salt. MORE »

As they enter year six of John McCain’s thousand-year battle for Mesopotamia, American and Iraqi troops have wearied of worshiping the same old “Jesus” and “Allah.” They’re in the mood for something new…different…mustachioed! And fortunately, one cult figure is fresh off the Biggest Republican Loser campaign trail and ready for duty. MORE »

Thanks to the Young Turks for making the video that will heal America: a retrospective of our dearly departed Republican candidates. God, these guys were fun. Fortunately, Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney will probably run again in four or eight years, and those candidacies will probably launch in a few months. In the meantime, vote in our poll for which monster you miss the most. MORE »

It’s a pretty nice speech, lots of “Nice Mike” in there, sort of humble (for a guy running for president), and then he starts JABBERING ABOUT KILLING ALL THE MEXICANS AT THE ALAMO. Goodbye, Mike Huckabee. We will really, really miss you.

Huckabee is conceding, by talking about baseball. He is crying too! Aww. Now we remember why we liked him once, before we knew anything about his ideas. MORE »

In four lucky states today, voters got to stand in line and have their cars towed while they exercised their inalienable right to vote for hilariously named candidates like “Manlove.” Stay with us tonight as we cover the race from scrappy Rhode Island to tender Vermont to “high in the middle” Ohio to that other state, the one that used to be Mexico. One lucky Wonkette editor will provide on-the-ground coverage of the endangered Texas Primacaucus and then liveblog drunkenly from a downtown Austin bar. Your other editors will be at home, cooking meth and chortling at Chris Matthews. Stock up on guns and liquor, and we’ll see you tonight! [Washington Post]

Republican Mike Huckabee might try to pass himself off as the conservative Christian alternative to John McCain, but he and his wife showed their true, kinky colors in front of a horrified audience at the Fort Worth Stockyards on Friday. MORE »

Former presidential frontrunner Mike Huckabee continues to run for president, despite his complete lack of funds, chances of winning, or rapidly waning popularity among the American people. Also, the fact that John McCain has won the nomination, “mathematically.” But Huck believes in the miracles of superstitious cult icon Jesus, and he is still campaigning on that amiable combo of good humor and punching supporters in the chin (above). Join us on an AP photo tour after the jump and see how Huckabee has been spending the rest of his week! MORE »

Surreal presidential candidate Mike Huckabee demanded a debate with John McCain today, now that the media is onto the lies and sexual proclivities of WALNUTS! He said this “at a press conference that drew no reporters other than the six who travel with the candidate.” Amazingly enough, these poor scribes were able to get the word out to McCain, who responded this afternoon that Huckabee maybe should’ve asked the campaign politely, instead of making a fuss to six reporters. MORE »

Just as his lord and savior Jesus Christ was able to feed 5,000 people by multiplying a few loaves and fishes, so will Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee be able to take votes from the 5,000 permanent residents of the wee state of Rhode Island and turn them into a massive electoral bonanza. Today Huckabee campaigns in the Ocean State, which holds many strange and puzzling parallels to several biblical locations and stories. MORE »

Unless Mike Huckabee gets the miracle he and his supporters have been praying for, one thing is certain: the next president will be a sitting senator. And, if current voting trends continue to favor Barack Obama, one other thing is certain: the next president will be part of a small, elite, and decadent club of weirdos who can’t use regular scissors. MORE »