Mike Huckabee has always seemed like a nice enough fellow, which is strange, because he also wants us all to shoot each other! Here he argues that if Iranian lady Neda had had a gun, she would’ve been able to shoot all of those mean people first, meaning… [some sort of segue, while laughing]… the American Constitution’s Bill of Rights is not what you think it is: “Some of us fail to understand that our 1st Amendment right to speak and assemble is meaningless without our 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.” Misread! [YouTube via Slog]

Have you ever gone to a buffet and seen, say, three dishes such as lobster, chocolate cake, and cocaine, and wondered which of these delights to sample first? That is precisely the dilemma facing Republican voters as they ponder the upcoming 2012 general election, which starts in precisely one thousand-ish days. MORE »

Hooray for America’s first lady Supreme Court Justice and first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice and first overall Supreme Court Justice, Harriet Miers! No wait, Harriet Sotomayor. (Kathryn Jean Lopez?) Enjoy it while it lasts, Female Hispanics, because in three weeks she’ll be forced to resign once it’s revealed that she is actually Bill Ayers, and Obama will have to nominate George Whitington III instead. So, Sonia Sotomayor. What do we know about her? Mike Huckabee knows something! Her real name is “Maria.” Scoop! MORE »

Hmm, what are the Republicans acting outraged about today? The usual — Obama offended the Hunchback of Notre Dame, Biden said something about his basement, Nancy Pelosi is a California lady who has an important job, etc. There are probably Twitters on all these important subjects! But, as the Twitter fad seems to be fading faster than the new Tom Hanks movie about terrible airport paperbacks, the GOP’s hundred warring factions need a new way to scare off the rest of America. Hmm, what’s something that’s destined for failure even when the pros do it? Poetry! MORE »

This is what Chip Saltsman — the guy who successfully won the GOP nomination for Mike Huckabee — sent out as a “Christmas Gift” to fellow Republicans, so they’d choose him as the new head of their party. Please, let’s stop the “political correctness” and please, please, please let this guy be the new leader of the Republican Party. He is a fresh voice from the Old Skool of southern white racist cocksuckers, and the GOP needs him more than ever, now. [Fox News/Times of London]

• Bitter Mike Huckabee thinks that Palin was selected over him as McCain’s doomed vice president girlfriend because she “looks better in stilettos.” [New Yorker]
• Looks like the impossibly named Saxby Chambliss is only two points ahead of Jim Martin. [HuffPost]
• Sloppily conceived parody Ted Haggard is back! And it feels so good to be mounting the pulpit again. [Yahoo News]
• Noted racist Virgil Goode has officially lost to Tom Periello in Virginia. Goode is now seeking a recount. [Daily Kos]
• The NSA listened in on Tony Blair’s British phone calls to the former President of Iraq, all of which were conducted here. [TPMMuckraker]
• BONUS LINK: Here is Wonkette Associate Editor Sara K. Smith — sans “K” — discussing last week’s news of the good, bad and nonexistent varieties. [Weekend America]

Guess who made a campaign stop in Iowa this morning? Mike Huckabee! Iowa! 2012! It’s the new-new Republican Party, with a platform based on Huckabee’s special blend of a) jesus-y socialism, b) weight-loss schemes, c) playing bass in the Christian Rock band “The Wiggles,” and d) just cold puttin’ down Mitt Romney all the time, because Romney SUX. Also Huckabee is selling his shitty book, about how much he hates Mitt. [CNN]

• Even though the Secretary of State job is off the table, maybe John Kerry will still be able to disappoint America as Secretary of the Interior. [Marc Ambinder]
• Joe Biden is not resigning from the Senate as part of a tricky seat-saving maneuver that will secure the position for his son Beau. [MSNBC]
• Mike Huckabee wants you to send him the most untoward stand-outs from your collection of amateur home videos. [Political Ticker]
• The new Draft Sarah Committee, or “2012DSC” in idiot, is up and running. There’s a photo of your gal tending to some moose blood soup on the cookstove and seven steps for supporting the effort, one of which includes “bookmarking this website.” [Jonathan Martin/2012DSC]
• Daily Kos is doing its part to make sure every resident of every state wishes Howard Dean a happy birthday. And then as a birthday president, some of Dean’s cheapest friends sent him an old graffitied trash can, because they hate him. [Daily Kos]

Hey MIKE HUCKABEE, Mittens “Willard” Romney sees your new book’s disparaging excerpts directed at him and raises you a brisk retort through “Eric” the traveling spokesman! “This type of pettiness is beneath Mike Huckabee… If we’re going to move the party forward, we need to offer more than personal recriminations. Unfortunately, in this book, Mike Huckabee is consumed with presumed slights, and he seems more interested in settling scores than in bringing people together.” Tragically, the “Mitt Camp” is in the right here and will score some 2012 Points on this. A windfall for Mittens! Well howdy doo about that. MORE »

Mike Huckabee was just another fat wingnut Southern emperor until, however many years ago, he realized that he was going to die from the Fat Cancer. He freaked and lost an actual 4,500 pounds and wrote a book about how he became un-fat. It was a success because, for some reason, illiterate people will buy books about such mysterious weight-loss techniques as diet and exercise. This gave him an “in” to run for president; he did better than expected but still lost to Walnuts. But… but now he has another book coming out! It’s about how terrible the Republican party is — you know, his frighteningly unpopular political party! He whines about everyone but throws in a few good words for Cher. MORE »

Mike Huckabee was one of the best failed presidential candidates in the world: from his kinky public sex hijinks with his frightening wife, to his comical insistence on staying in the primary race because he went to the College of God instead of the College of Maths, and also that time he fucked a squirrel on Arkansas public television. What wonderful things will he say tonight, at the Republican National Convention, in order to make John McCain regret not picking the other pleasant wingnut Christian governor from a state of tattooed alcoholic rednecks? MORE »