Tag Archives: mike huckabee

  GOP will put a stop to all this GOP voter fraud

Voter Fraud Is Real, And It’s All Republicans

Sometimes you just forget you already did that
Republican governors and secretaries of state are determined to stop the scourge of Voter Fraud, by ensuring that the wrong kind of people can’t vote. (Poors, minorities, Democrats — you know the type.) Sure we laugh at them, but it’s no laughing matter. Voter fraud is a real problem. Among Republicans, anyway. Read more on Voter Fraud Is Real, And It’s All Republicans…
  Two Days At The Values Voter Summit

Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again.

The Values Voter Summit happens every fall at the Omni Shoreham Hotel, the premier venue for conservative conventions in Washington, DC. (For those of you keeping score, it goes Omni, Grand Hyatt, Mayflower. We do not attend conventions at sub-Mayflower hotels.) Read more on Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again….
  Whine and Jesus Party

It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again

nice ride
Outside the Values Voter Summit 2014/Photo by Beth Ethier It’s time for all the wingnuttiest Christianist wingnuts who will never be president to gather once again in D.C. to Biblesplain how President Obama is THE WORST, liberals have killed Jesus (again!), and it’s hard out there in these American United States of Real America for an outraged white dude. Read more on It’s A Good Friday For Values Voters To Feel Persecuted Again…
  Stop making us talk about it some more

Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself

We have some BREAKING NEWS to report on the developing story of the vast left-wing conspiracy “scam” to force Republicans to talk about impeaching President Obama even though they do NOT want to talk about that at all, no sir. Seriously, they don’t want to talk about it. They really don’t want to talk about it. Truly, you cannot find a single Republican who wants to talk about impeaching the president. And yet, when asked on Monday whether Mike Huckabee, who supposedly is a Republican, believes the president is “worthy of impeachment,” the Huck did not say, “Don’t be ridiculous, that’s absurd, come ON, man.” Which is what you’d think a so-called Republican would say when asked about impeaching the president, since NO Republicans actually want to impeach the president, wink wink nudge nudge say no more. But, strangely, the Huck did not say that. Instead: Read more on Surprise! Mike Huckabee Part Of Democrat Conspiracy To Make Obama Impeach Himself…
  sorry not sorry

I Am Mad About A Thing: Hooray, Todd Akin Has A ‘Book’

Ugh, Todd Akin, right? You remember Todd Akin, of course. He was a Republican representative from Missouri who just might have become a senator from Missouri if he had not made the catastrophic mistake, as Republicans are wont to do, of opening his mouth and saying words. And you remember those words because we all do, because they are tattooed on our brains, and we cannot bleach them away no matter how hard we try: Read more on I Am Mad About A Thing: Hooray, Todd Akin Has A ‘Book’…
  you don't have to dress badly to be a homophobe -- but it helps!

Hate-Fest Fashion: Men of the Sweat-Soaked Cloth

If you’re having a party to advocate keeping the gays second-class citizens as long as possible and holding it in the very best swampy heat that Washington, DC has to offer, there are many things you need to ask yourself. In addition to questioning any number of your life choices, you must decide what to wear! And so Wonkette proudly presents the Sweaty Fundamentalist Summer Collection. Read more on Hate-Fest Fashion: Men of the Sweat-Soaked Cloth…
  thank god almighty

Mike Huckabee And National Organization For Marriage Are Your New Civil Rights Heroes, America

Yesterday, you may have noticed that it was a key date in the history of American civil rights. On June 19, 1964, the Senate passed the Civil Rights Act, which Lyndon B. Johnson would sign two weeks later on July 2. But after this year, no one will remember anything about that stupid old Civil Rights Act, because the real thing we will celebrate forevermore on June 19 is the March for Marriage, which drew literal scores of people to D.C. to hate on the gays getting married. Making this all the better: Mike Huckabee! Read more on Mike Huckabee And National Organization For Marriage Are Your New Civil Rights Heroes, America…
  gay marriage on the march

Last Outposts Of Decency Idaho, Arkansas Fall To Communism We Mean Gay Marriage

Open wide, Idaho, because we’re cramming some big gay homo marriage right down your throat! (Try relaxing your jaw and breathing through your nose.) Late Tuesday a federal judge in Boise struck down Idaho’s gay marriage ban, declaring a referendum passed in 2006 that enshrined the principle of one-heterosexual-man-one-heterosexual-woman marriage in the state constitution out of bounds. In her decision, Chief Magistrate Judge Candy Wagahoff Dale wrote that “Marriage is a fundamental right of all citizens, which neither tradition nor the majority may deny,” failing to add “So it doesn’t matter if 63% of you voted for this referendum, it’s still unconstitutional, no matter what your nitwitted governor may say.” Read more on Last Outposts Of Decency Idaho, Arkansas Fall To Communism We Mean Gay Marriage…
  property rights uber alles

Please Fund Our Kickstarter To Send Mike Huckabee To North Korea, Where He Can Be Free

Do you dig Mike Huckabee? Who doesn’t, really? If you do, you’ll definitely be into his speech at the Conservative Value Freedom Summit God Bless America Property Rights Jamboree thing over the weekend, sponsored, of course, by Citizens United and Americans For Prosperity. Huckabee, like every other conservative there, was stroking himself off to the thought that there might be an insurrection uprising shootout fun time over Cliven Bundy’s refusal to pay fees to graze his cattle on public land, because everyone knows that God meant for Americans to use every last bit of land for their personal gain whether they own it or not, because freedom. But Huckabee took his haranguing one step farther, and managed to do a conservative greatest hit concert and hit every imaginary grievance those people have. Oh, and he also decided he’d rather live in North Korea because of all their freedoms. Read more on Please Fund Our Kickstarter To Send Mike Huckabee To North Korea, Where He Can Be Free…
  baby come on give me one more chance

RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)

You all remember how the Republicans made a big show after Nobummer’s re-election of learning that maybe putting all their eggs in the ‘angry white man’ basket might not work in modern America? That lasted about 2.8 seconds, until Republicans started, you know, being Republican. But since the report that outlined that sincere push was released a year ago today, the RNC has put out a teevee advertisement proving that they can, indeed, find minorities and women to say they are Republican. Click on the video! Seriously, give it a watch! One guy even speaks Mexican, so we assume Rep. Steve King is checking his calves for illegal cantaloupes right this minute!  Read more on RNC Targets Women & Minorities, And Not Just For Voter Suppression! (Video)…
  Get up on that pedestal and make me a sammich

Shorter Mike Huckabee: It’s Called Chivalry, Bitches

Women are strange creatures, aren’t they? With their shoes and their vaginas and their not being men, they are quite the mystery. Like magnets. And how the tide goes in, the tide goes out. If only there were someone, a real expert, to explain how do ladies work and how should we treat them, since we obviously must treat them different from how we treat normal people. Hey, here is A Expert! He is Mike Huckabee, who has many deep thoughts on women and is always eager to demystify these strange creatures for us, while doing GOP outreach to the womens by telling them they are dumb whores who cannot control their libidos. But not this time. This time, he has some words to fart from his mouth about how women, especially ones who run for political office like they are some kind of men or something, are special. Female candidates should be treated with a “sense of pedestal,” former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee (R) said during a recent interview with The New Republic while discussing a potential presidential run against Hillary Clinton. […] “[F]or those of us who have some chivalry left, there’s a level of respect,” Huckabee told TNR. “You treat some things as a special treasure; you treat other things as common.” “I’ll put it this way,” Huckabee added, “I treat my wife very differently than I treat my chums and my pals. I wouldn’t worry about calling them on Valentine’s Day, opening the door for them, or making sure they were OK.” Wow, it is like he really gets us, right, ladies? Who among us don’t not want to be treated with a “sense of pedestal,” whatever that means? What could possibly go wrong with putting us special treasures on a pedestal? Nothing, so long as you haven’t read Henrik Ibsen’s thoughts on that. (We are pretty sure Huckabee has not read Hedda Gabler because it is not in the Bible so what is even the point?) Read more on Shorter Mike Huckabee: It’s Called Chivalry, Bitches…

Mike Huckabee Practices New GOP Outreach To Women: They’re Whores Who Can’t Stop Boning

Here is a funny thing. In 2008, your Editrix believed — and said to people, with her mouth! — that Mike Huckabee, the kindly preacher who didn’t seem to actively want to skin and eat the poor, would be the greatest threat to the Dems if nominated. Since then, of course, he has become as actively nutsoid as the rest of our friendly Republican candidates. Case in point! Now Mike Huckabee has said a thing, with his mouth, to the winter meeting of the RNC. And that thing is that … well, every time we try to paraphrase it makes even less sense. So, here you go: “If the Democrats want to insult women by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government, then so be it,” he said. “Let us take this discussion all across America because women are far more than the Democrats have played them to be.” “And women across America need to stand up and say ‘Enough of that nonsense,'” he added. Enough of that nonsense indeed, Mike Huckabee. IN-DEED. Read more on Mike Huckabee Practices New GOP Outreach To Women: They’re Whores Who Can’t Stop Boning…
  it was much funnier in the parrot sketch

Mike Huckabee Explains How Taking Dead Girl Off Life Support Is Like Forced Abortions In Auschwitz

By now you probably know the sad, awful story of Jahi McMath, the Oakland, California 13-year-old who suffered complications after a complex tonsillectomy, leaving her brain-dead. Her family, however, refuses to accept that “no blood flow to the brain” and “no electrical activity in the brain or brain stem” are the same as “really, actually dead.” So since December 12, they have kept her body alive, on a ventilator, and hope to move her to a long-term care facility where machines will continue to make her heart pump and her lungs breathe, even though brain death is final and irreversible — this is not a persistent vegetative state like that of Terri Schiavo; this is just plain death. And so, of course, potential 2016 Republican candidate Mike Huckabee thinks Jahi’s body should be kept hooked up to a machine, because he is so very pro-life that he believes that brain-dead people can get better (they can’t). It’s sort of reassuring to know that, no matter how tragic a situation might be, there’s always the chance that a rightwing politician will find a way to jump in and make it even worse. Read more on Mike Huckabee Explains How Taking Dead Girl Off Life Support Is Like Forced Abortions In Auschwitz…
  and on the 8th day god said let there be derp

Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!

Hey, remember that fat white guy who lost weight and now wants to put the ‘white’ back in White House? No, not the one what closes bridges because of petty political bickering — the other GOP white guy, the one who rocks out on gee-tar. Yeah, Mike Huckabee. He is back in the news because the news hates us and wants us to be unhappy today and forever. Continuing today’s trend of plagiarizing, the Huffington Post reports that Huckabee will soon be launching… wait for it… The Huckabee Post! Where, oh where, did he come with such a creative and original name? Let’s sadsplore what kind of awfulness we can expect from the Huckster.  Read more on Mike Huckabee To Save Internet With ‘Huckabee Post.’ ‘Journalists,’ Apply Now!…
  sadly no one was fung-fu fighting

Comedian-On-Journalist Violence Is Real And Spectacular

So apparently there is some Dante’s Inferno Ninth Circle hellscape called the “Funniest Celebrity” contest where “celebrities” (oh god is that term used loosely) make with the funny and give the money to charity. The most recent of these events happened last night in DC, and thank god we did not know about it in advance because if we had we would have moved heaven and earth to stop such a terrible thing from coming into being. What kind of celebrities would you have gotten to hear from? Glad you asked! How about Ralph Nader? Grover Norquist? Now those are two dudes whose very names are super synonymous with high-larious. Maybe they’re just outliers. Maybe past participants of this thing have been actually funny. Read more on Comedian-On-Journalist Violence Is Real And Spectacular…
  international statesman

Mike Huckabee Offers Creative Renovation Advice For United Nations Building

Former Arkansas governor, teevee talker, and maybe serious presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is doing That Thing He Does once again, throwing red meat to the right wing, probably to be followed by an appearance on the Daily Show where he impresses Jon Stewart with how nice and avuncular he is. But for now, the wingnut fantasies: On Saturday’s Fox & Friends, Huckabee said that the United Nations’ failure to condemn or authorize action against Syria was reason enough to play out a John Birch Society fantasy: “Let’s jackhammer the whole thing off, float it into the East River and be done with it,” Huckabee said We don’t quite get this rightwing fascination with tearing up the UN building and stomping on the pieces — or maybe if you’re John Bolton, just the top 10 stories — but sure, Huck, why not. Or maybe the UN should slide down a rusty razor into a vat of lemon juice. Or we should shoot it into space. Or cover it in honey and let fire ants crawl all over it, then cook the ants and the UN with a giant magnifying glass. Yeah, that’d be cool. Read more on Mike Huckabee Offers Creative Renovation Advice For United Nations Building…
  i heart bigoted ex-governors

Mike Huckabee Has ‘Not Ruled Out’ Losing To Hillary Or Ted Cruz In 2016

Mike Huckabee, we can hardly even remember why we hate you! Oh yes, because you said the Newtown school horror happened because of abortion pills and how we expelled God from school. And also because you want to point guns at our heads to make us watch your nutty Jesus friend David Barton lie about history to us. And OMG, you know how he over-pronounces the “h” in “why,” like “huhwye?” That’s a capital offense right there. Oh, and there’s a new reason, which we will get to in a minute. Anyway, The POLITICO says Huckabee is “informally chatting with people, asking if they think there’s any value in my taking it to another level.” There’s another level? RESET! POWER OFF! UNPLUG! BREAK IN HALF! Right, so what’s that new reason we hate Mike Huckabee, and does it have anything to do with saying a terrible/hilarious thing about Muslims? Read more on Mike Huckabee Has ‘Not Ruled Out’ Losing To Hillary Or Ted Cruz In 2016…
  start your drinking now

Uh Oh, Peggy Noonan Has Thoughts On ‘Work’

Today is Friday and for our sins the Good Lord hath seen fit to deliver unto us further maundering from the pen of Sister Margaret Ellen Noonan, blessed servant of the Order of Thorazine and Gin. Let us gaze upon her works together, so that we might make of ourselves better repositories for her Wisdom. Two small points on an end-of-summer weekend. One is connected to Labor Day and the meaning of work. It grows out of an observation Mike Huckabee made on his Fox show a few weeks ago. He said that we see joblessness as an economic fact, we talk about the financial implications of widespread high unemployment, and that isn’t wrong but it misses the central point. Joblessness is a personal crisis because work is a spiritual event. One paragraph in and she’s already quoting Mike Huckabee calling work a spiritual event. This is going to suck. Read more on Uh Oh, Peggy Noonan Has Thoughts On ‘Work’…
  yeah that makes sense

Mike Huckabee: Kill Obamacare By Increasing Government Funding For Healthcare

This week on “Fox & Friends’ Argle Bargle Hate & Pray in the Morning” show, yo-yo-dieting expert Mike Huckabee wide-angle remoted in to talk to the one guy who is even dumber than Steve Doocy about his sure-fire way to shut up the Pres about how all the GOP wants to do is kill Obamacare, and finally getting down to the business of killing Obamacare once and for all. How would they do this? By letting the GOP go ahead and cure cancer. Huckabee said the GOP should [instead] advocate for a government-funded Manhattan-style project to “focus on a cure [for disease] rather than just focus on a treatment. Hey, now you’re thinking Mike! Let’s go nuclear on cancer’s ass! (Like radiation? Or chemo?) Yes Governor Huckabee, we agree. Someone should really go ahead and start some government funded programs that focus on curing diseases like the cancer. We could call them the “National Institutes of Health” or maybe the “National Cancer Institute” and finally get some fucking research started on curing shit! That could be a thing! Why hasn’t anyone done this? Stupid government. Read more on Mike Huckabee: Kill Obamacare By Increasing Government Funding For Healthcare…
  a children's treasury of butthurt

Conservatives Take Gay Marriage Rulings In Stride, Just Kidding

Poor Bryan Fischer! The spokesman for the American Patriarchy Association has a MAJOR sad today, and he has lots of company following the Supreme Court’s decision overturning DOMA. It would appear that actually treating all marriages as equal in the eyes of the law means the end of America, which would make today roughly the 743rd time America has ended since 2008. We also see that Justice Anthony Kennedy has usurped Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s appointed role as tyrant king, which has got to be pretty disappointing for the Kenyan Impostor. And we really like that phrase “sodomy-based marriage,” which we’ll start using just as soon as Bryan Fischer starts referring to himself as a proponent of “penis-in-vagina marriage.” Read more on Conservatives Take Gay Marriage Rulings In Stride, Just Kidding…
  great resistance movements

GOP Not Ready To Abandon Grand Strategy Of Achieving Success By Throwing Tantrums

All good Wonkiputians are aware that the GOP has spent five years branding itself as “The Party of No.” Since that hasn’t worked to stop the horror of gay people getting married or the communist tyranny of citizens having access to health insurance, the Republicans are now trying out a new slogan: The Party of We Don’t Wanna! First up, the homos and their insatiable quest to destroy straight marriage. Sometime this week the world will find out if the U.S. America’s highest court has decided to wave the white flag and surrender to the homosexual agenda. But a dedicated fifth column of conservatives will continue to fight on by doing, uh, something: Read more on GOP Not Ready To Abandon Grand Strategy Of Achieving Success By Throwing Tantrums…