Today’s big story from local acid rain compound Politico: the U.S. Chamber of Commerce declares itself immune to attacks from the liberal Apple Company and its “White House.” And just when we were expecting CoC President Tom Donohue to declare “We are not worthy” and close his shop down permanently! MORE »

Jesus Christ. No link, sadly.

Mike Allen with the scoop! Some mutual friends of his and fat obnoxious Republican operative space demon Roger Ailes suggest, anonymously, that Roger Ailes might run for president. Not even idle speculation — it could really happen, says THE POLITICO CLICK, an offshoot of the mothership that focuses on such things as donkey sex and donkey fingering. MORE »

Politico fiend Mike Allen is going insane about an upcoming piece from the Washington Post’s very very serious conservative columnist George Will, in which he will offer the “startling recommendation” that maybe our government should end that other Middle East war it started ten million years ago. Choose your own reaction! (1) Who cares what mean old George Will says about anything? (2) Hooray for George Will! You take that stand, George! (3) Ha ha, “pull-out.” [Politico]

Pulitzer, anyone? Here is the entirety of the most important news story ever written by a human reporter since Watergate, times the Pentagon Papers, divided by the untold story of 9/11, times a million, minus Martha Gellhorn: MORE »

America’s top bone-shattering Moral Megaphone to the Foreigns, Hillary Clinton, after months of begging, has finally been granted Nobama’s permission to deliver her first major speech as Secretary of State! (18 million cracks, natch.) In her address this afternoon at the Council on Foreign Relations, the famous lady will declare America’s ardent support for capturing terrorists, not capturing non-terrorist muslins (like four people total), preserving human rights everywhere all the time, fixing some minor Israeli/Palestinian tiff, nonproliferation of rad nukes, saving economics, and the climate changes — you know, gay stuff. And yet there is still one comical bit about how America can still just bomb the fuck out of everybody when all else fails, leading Politico’s Mike Allen to label this a “muscular” speech in his definitive preview. MORE »

EVEN MORE: “Jackrabbit,” “dildo,” “Uzbekistan,” “Martin Luther King Jr.,” “farrier,” “Jennifer Fitzgerald,” “coconut,” “hobbit,” “goat,” “Ezekiel,” “laser blasters,” “Bob Seger,” “bulldyke,” “potato,” “constable,” “midwife,” “Oberon,” “Noonington,” “Dutch oven,” “Raptor Invasion,” “Becton,” “guillotine,” “sprinkles,” “towelhead,” “Ocarina of Time,” “pectoral,” “vocoder,” “retarded,” “mannequin,” “Patrick Appel,” “collated,” “Munich,” “Choire,” “turpentine,” “knickerbocker,” “double penetration,” “Robocop,” “sprite,” and… well, that’s all, actually. [Some Porn Site]

On Monday night your two Wonkette associate editors attended a Dinner Party thrown by the digest The Week, called The Week Opinion Awards, and we’re only posting about it now because hey, shut up. It was somewhat “A-List,” meaning (a) why the poo were we invited and (b) why the poo did we go? Because after only four seconds at the opening cocktail party, your male associate editor was begging Sara to leave. But two full glasses of gin over the next four seconds changed that attitude into “LET’S GO FUCK WITH LINDSEY GRAHAM” and we stayed for the dinner after all. MORE »

We know that a few of you might consider this “inside baseball,” so if that’s the case, then don’t read any more of this post and go do something else. Easy! Now: The New Republic heard the kids’ clamoring and has decided to release the full, insane Politico memo quoted in its new story, about Politico. Mike Allen, or whoever wrote this, is basically an evil version of Hitler. [TNR]

The New Republic’s Gabriel Sherman has a lovely new story out about the dystopian hell chamber that is the Politico newsroom. The snarling, leprous leadership of Jim VandeHei and John Harris (a.k.a. “VandeHarris,” or simply, “AnusHair”) greets its intrepid blog reporters each morning at 5:30 a.m. with a hot shower of molten lava, followed by a threat to feed them to the rabid, one-eyed Beast of Ancient Times (held in an office storage pod in Manassas) if they do not get a Drudge link by 11 a.m. “SMITH, BEN SSSMITHHHH,” the death demon VandeHarris roars, spittle flying from its mouth, before slithering back to its dungeon for a breakfast of live rats, copper shavings, and ostrich blood. “YOU MUST WIN THE MORNING… A GUEST SLOT ON HARDBALL COMPELS YOU…” MORE »

Each morning, Rick Klein, Chuck Todd, and Mike Allen summarize the headlines of the Times and the Post, kinda like we do, but with less swearing. This makes them very important media figures with a great deal of power, because they apparently make something called “conventional wisdom,” which is another phrase for “what you read in Slate.” “Conventional Wisdom” used to mean “the midpoint between a a David Broder and a David Ignatius column” but then The Note showed up and confused everyone with in jokes and satirical memos. MORE »