Tag Archives: midterms

  squares from the square states

Ken Buck Will Never Compromise Ever (Except For Colorado $$$!)

For the last two years the Republicans have been a wee bit obstructionist in the legislative department! Fortunately they are a minority in both houses of Congress, so the only result of this obstructionism has been the blockage of most of the Democratic agenda and the permanent poisoning of the political culture in Washington. What will happen if they actually control Congress? Will the GOP legislators and the administration come together, figure out what they can both agree on, and compromise for the good of the nation? Or will it be a profound clusterfuck that will make the last two years look like a pleasant dinner party? Let’s ask Ken Buck! Read more on Ken Buck Will Never Compromise Ever (Except For Colorado $$$!)…
  one more thing

Obama Tries To Steal Election With Free iPads For Everybody

So we don’t know if you heard but it sounds like the midterm elections might not go so well, for the Democrats! Naturally this is of some concern to Barack Obama, who barely was able to pass any good laws despite controlling an overwhelming congressional majority, so who knows how he’s going to deal with a Republican congress. He could try helping his party win by the traditional methods — “campaigning,” “being popular,” etc. — but remember, Barack Obama came to Washington to change the tone there, to really shake things up, so obviously he’s going to blaze a new path. What will the Democrats’ “October Surprise” be? Will Barack Obama extract a promise from Steve Jobs that every American voter will receive a free iPad? Maybe! Read more on Obama Tries To Steal Election With Free iPads For Everybody…
  future shock

CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose

What’s the New World Order/Nobama got in store for the Teabaggers on Election Night? Nothing but pain, if these leaked Election 2010 results are to be trusted — and they are “not to be published or broadcast” until the Powers That Be are ready to announce Permanent Halloween for America’s tightly-wound white people. So many important Republican/Teabaggers are losing, with 40% reporting or whatever! Carly Fiorina, John McCain, Richard Shelby, Ken Buck, Christine O’Donnell, Mark Kirk, David Vitter, Sharron Angle, Tom Coburn, even Chuck Grassley … all losers! CONCEDE YOU IDIOT LOSERS, the Associated Press is calling it! And in the biggest upset of the election, Alvin Greene has soundly beaten Jim DeMint, 45%-40%. YES HE CAN! Read more on CNBC Publishes Secret AP Election Results; Republicans Lose…
  rhodes commodes

ELECTION SHOCKER: Christine O’Donnell Didn’t Go To Oxford

If those previous Christine O’Donnell revelations didn’t lock up these midterms for the Democratic Party, surely this will: Her LinkedIn profile is incorrect! She didn’t go to the University of Oxford, even though she said she did! Hooray, all is saved! Democrats will have a full 80 seats in the next Senate! Ignorance is out, smart people are here! No ridiculous ideologues will ever step foot in Congress again! And there will be a reverent ferocity of masturbation from Senate office to Senate office, from House seat to House seat, from on top of Robert Byrd’s coffin to inside Ted Kennedy’s coffin, and all across this great land. Finally, we can take solace in knowing Christine O’Donnell will not be elected. Read more on ELECTION SHOCKER: Christine O’Donnell Didn’t Go To Oxford…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon America Finally Starts Paying Attention To Midterms

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you know that the campaign for the 2010 midterm elections are finally underway? “Wait a minute, hold up,” you’re saying, if you’re the sort of person who reads this site, “hasn’t the midterm campaign been happening since roughly the middle of 2007?” Well, that just goes to show what sort of out-of-touch inside-the-beltway monster you are. Real America is just now starting to pay attention to this business, and is of course discovering that the Democrats are destined to lose in flames. But these Americans are just happy to participate in the process! Read more on Cartoon America Finally Starts Paying Attention To Midterms…
  just like nixon's last press conference

Liveblogging Obama’s First Press Conference Since the Last One

In mere moments, the hated failure known as Barack Obama will limp out to his lectern and face a hungry, brain-dead press corps(e). How will he prove he loves 9/11 enough to fix the economy when he’s still, quite obviously, a brown person — especially when angry white unemployed underwater midterm voters know in their hearts that Brown People are not even Human?! Let’s gather around the cold glow of the flatscreen and watch former Mister Slick Speaking Guy be ripped limb from limb (if his limbs are connected to each other, instead of to his torso, we guess?). Read more on Liveblogging Obama’s First Press Conference Since the Last One…
  workplace voyeur videos

David Plouffe Going To Tell It To You Straight: You Make Democrats Lose

Listen up, liberal assholes. You’re not excited to vote in the midterms this year? Go fuck yourself. Look at this video that David Plouffe e-mailed out: he has a bunch of maps behind him. You want to doubt him? Look at these fucking maps. He knows what he’s talking about. Do you know how hard he worked on those maps? Your friend Barack Obama is going to lose his majorities unless you give him some money and then get off the Internet and go yell at some people to vote. Read more on David Plouffe Going To Tell It To You Straight: You Make Democrats Lose…
  take my advice i'm the guy who hates contested elections

Scared-of-Elections Guy Evan Bayh Says Democrats Will Lose Election

Evan Bayh wants everyone to know that Democrats are going to lose a lot of seats in the midterms this year. “I think it’s of comparable magnitude,” he said, referring to party losses in 1980 and 1994. One of those seats the Democrats will lose is Bayh’s, because he likes to drop out of elections he is afraid of losing, so he’s not running this year. So should all Democrats drop out and just hand the Republicans their seats like Evan Bayh? Yes, of course. Good politics, that. Read more on Scared-of-Elections Guy Evan Bayh Says Democrats Will Lose Election…
  it's morning in america

Generic Democrats Heading For Generic Doom

The latest Gallup poll is out and it is … not very good, if you like the Democratic Party in charge of the nation’s legislature! On the “generic ballot,” Republicans are now 10 points ahead of Democrats. To find a polling gap that large, you’d have to go back to … oh, never. There’s never been one that big. But don’t worry: your Internet boyfriend Nate Silver, now working for the elitist New York Times, says that in all likelihood it’s just a statistical blip, and really the Democrats are only like five points behind. Read more on Generic Democrats Heading For Generic Doom… Read more on Generic Democrats Heading For Generic Doom…
  gong sound effect

Democrats To Blame Those Rotten Chinese For Economy This Fall

Democrats DO NOT want to lose their majorities in Congress this November. But the economy sucks, so by the laws of physics, voters will not vote for the party in power. Does this mean Democrats should just give up and actually work on passing things they really believe in? NO. Does it mean they should slyly try to blame the economy on other things to distract the voters? YES YES YES. So what’s the deal with Red China, folks? Why have they ruined our entire economy forever? Read more on Democrats To Blame Those Rotten Chinese For Economy This Fall…
  bobby jindal is the chosen one?

Republican Governors Make a Movie Trailer Thing Too

OH MY GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE IF REPUBLICANS DO NOT KILL ALL OF THESE DEMOCRAT SPACE MONSTERS BEFORE THEIR MOTHERSHIP COMES! Yes, like the Democratic Governors Association, the RGA has come up with a movie trailer for this election to rile up their base. And it actually has much higher production value than the Democrats’ movie-thing? And it’s hosted on Vimeo? Oh no, they must have captured a librul and whipped him until he made them this video! Read more on Republican Governors Make a Movie Trailer Thing Too…
  machiavella

Bachmann Says Republicans Will Do Nothing But Issue Subpoenas If They Become Majority

Oh, here is your modern-day Edmund Burke, revealing what she thinks the GOP’s political philosophy should be when they win a Congressional majority in the midterm elections: “I think that all we should do is issue subpoenas and have one hearing after another. And expose all the nonsense that is gone [sic] on. And it’s very important when we come back that we have constitutional conservative leadership because the American people’s patience is about this big. So we have to make sure that we do what the people want us to do.” Yes, Michele Bachmann, this is what we want you to do. No more passin’ laws and such. Read more on Bachmann Says Republicans Will Do Nothing But Issue Subpoenas If They Become Majority…
  this post is an emotional rollercoaster

Shocker: Democrats Pass Popular Law, May Win Election

It will of course be physically impossible for the Democratic Party to keep control of the House and Senate after the upcoming midterm elections. This is because, after sneakily running as the more conservative of the two major American political parties in 2008, they immediately launched a full-on Marxist agenda upon taking office, by regulating the extremely unpopular private health insurance industry, and making changes to the regulatory apparatus governing the financial services industry that destroyed the world economy a few months back. And now every last American voter is just itchin’ to put Nancy Pelosi out of a job and make “lowering taxes” the only thing it would be legal for the House of Representatives to do and WHOAH HEY WHAT’S THIS? “Democrats this week have jumped into a 6-percentage-point generic-ballot edge for November’s election, according to a new Gallup poll.” Read more on Shocker: Democrats Pass Popular Law, May Win Election…
  oath-taking porn

Emergency Wonkette Endorsement: ‘Jody Hice’ For Whatever He’s Running For

More proof that Wonkette readers are the best and most attractive readers on the whole Internets! A casual mention that we aren’t up on any of the hilarious goings-on in today’s Georgia primary immediately gets us a tip from hero commenter TJBeck that we should take a good, hard look at one “Jody Hice.” Just going to his website rewards the reader with the awesomely composited hunk of Flash animation above, with the candidate and the swooping eagle and the real corporeal flag and the ghostly spirit flag behind it, all emerging from sort of dimensional portal, all set to dramatic orchestral music. But are there YouTube videos, you’re probably asking? With CGI’d words swooping around nauseatingly? Oh, yes, there are YouTube videos. Read more on Emergency Wonkette Endorsement: ‘Jody Hice’ For Whatever He’s Running For…
  it's morning in america

Hillbillies To Rescue America’s Unemployed

With handsome devil Carte Goodwin scheduled to be sworn in as Robert Byrd’s seat-warming replacement sometime today, Democrats (plus the reliable communist ladies from Maine) should be able to break the Republican filibuster and get that lucrative government money flowing to the unemployed again, huzzah! Plus they plan to spend the whole midterm campaigning telling the millions of jobless that John Boehner personally kept their checks in his office so that they couldn’t be mailed out. Read more on Hillbillies To Rescue America’s Unemployed… Read more on Hillbillies To Rescue America’s Unemployed…
  the elderly love orange dudes

Unpopular John Boehner Scams Money From Old People

Fundraising fever: everybody’s CATCHING IT! People are giving Mitt Romney and Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee — none of whom hold elected office of any kind or have any power or influence — hundreds of thousands of dollars. These people are already pretty well off, too! Naturally, John Boehner, a real live elected official who holds an actual leadership position in the Republican Party, feels that he deserves a cut of this sweet action. Too bad for him that he’s a loser that nobody likes. That’s why he had to collect a six-digit sum from a group of people “affiliated” with a Florida retirement community, plus confused old ex-Cabinet secretaries like John Snow. Read more on Unpopular John Boehner Scams Money From Old People…