Tag: middle east

Time To Watch Trump And Hillz Fight Each Other TO THE DEATH! Your Final Debate Preview

Our long national nightmare is almost over!
Serious Trump is Serious

If President Donald Trump Tortures You, That Means It’s Not Illegal

Donald Trump loves him some torture, so much. Whenever he can, he explains how he'd bring back waterboarding -- and more! -- and maybe also kill some terrorists' families, because you gotta be tough with these animals. In Thursday's debate,...
GET THAT "SMILE" OFF YOUR FACE.

Lying Liar Carly Fiorina Lying About Jesus Now

Uh-oh, Cara Carleton "Carly The Liar" Fiorina has been opening her mouth again, and you know what happens when she does that. SHE LIES. Usually she's lying about little tiny baby arms and legs writhing on tables at the...
You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is 'never get involved in a land war in Asia'

Lindsey Graham Got Confirmed Bachelor All Over The Undercard Debate, Buttercup

Lindsey Graham seems to have finally resigned himself to the cold hard reality that he has about as much chance of becoming the Republican nominee for president as he does of getting cast in Magic Mike III, so he...
The doctor is in, oh fuck!

Ben Carson Promises To Bathe In The Blood Of Innocents

As we all know, Ben Carson is the smartest, bestest brain surgeon in the whole United States of Earth, and this is why he will be the best president ever. At least, that seems to be his argument. Wonkette...
This is actually a man from the United Arab Emirates, who got kicked out of Saudi Arabia for being too sexy. America wouldn't do that, right?

Obama Won’t Repopulate America With Sexxxy Gay Muslim Refugees. OR WILL HE?

Oh, this is just great. Not only does Barack Obama want to resettle somewhere upwards of eleventy-eight jillion (read: a measly 10,000) Syrian refugees in the United States, including the tiny toddler ones that make Fox News anchor Andrea...
Trump can't help it if his reality is yooger and more interesting than anything on record

Donald Trump Rejects Chuck Todd’s 9/11 Reality, Replaces It With His Own

On NBC's Meet the Press Sunday, Donald Trump and host Chuck Todd had a spirited debate about the nature of reality, which left us wishing we could live in an alternative reality in which neither had been born. Todd...
He remembers things.

Ben Carson Forgot To Never Forget New Jersey Muslims Celebrating 9/11

Oh Ben Carson, your brain needs another operation. We learned just recently that the esteemed presidential candidate's advisers have been having a mighty tough time re-programming his brain to be un-stupid about foreign policy, and it showed yet again...
I CAN SAY TERRISM YET?

Dumb Fox Chick Not Scared Of Old Grandma Muslims, Just The Kids

Are you ready for more HYSTERIA OMG SYRIAN MUSLIM REFUGEE PANIC?! Cool, because Fox News lady windsock Andrea Tantaros went to work Wednesday. It's time for another episode of "Outnumbered," where spunky Republican jaw-flappers flap their jaws about stuff...
Ugh.

Mike Huckabee: Syrian Refugees Are Just Like That Time I Ate The Bad Squirrel Meat

Long before the Paris attacks happened, Mike Huckabee, presidential candidate and sometimes conjugal visit sex lover of Kim Davis (ALLEGEDLY!), had already won the blue ribbon for "most ignorant, stupid, hateful thing ever said about the Syrian refugees." Huck was...
Easy on the eyes, just saying.

Sexxxy Green Bay Packers Quarterback Tells Refugee Haters To Eat Astroturf

The past few days have been sad and disheartening. We began the weekend mourning with our friends in Paris in the aftermath of terrorist attacks meant to, well, terrorize. And then many of our own American citizens, including Republican...
Actual wall will be built even more bigly

Donald Trump Has Exciting New Real Estate Opportunity For You, Syria!

What a time to be a Syrian, eh? Murderous clowns to the left of you, racist jokers to the right. And then there's Donald J. Trump, with a once-in-a-lifetime business opportunity you will not want to miss: Mr. Trump said he would...

Let’s Give Joe Biden A Hug And Leave Him The F*ck Alone Now

Joe Biden is not running for president. Contrary to Anonymous Sources and People Involved and Internet Rumors and Some Saying and Maureen Dowd, the vice president announced on Wednesday that he will not Run Joe Run, nor be Draft...
Do not takesess our precious.

Make America Great Again: Mount Doom, But for Guns

Since America is no longer great, according to certain dimwitted candidates for president, we are sharing ideas to Make America Great Again. Read more entries in the series here. “My preciousssssssssss.” Gun rights extremists are Gollum. Any whisper of an idea...
Fuck off.

Hey Wolf Blitzer, Why You Gotta Be So Mean To Poor Lincoln Chafee?

Let's get a couple things out of the way right now. Lincoln Chafee (D-Used To Be R, Then I) is never going to be president -- of America, of Rhode Island, or of the Kiwanis Club. (OK, maybe the Kiwanis Club.)...
Truly.

U.S. Military Letting Afghan Allies Rape Boys On American Bases, So That’s Gross

Here's a nice and horrifying story for you. The New York Times reports that in our completely necessary Freedom War in Afghanistan, the United States military has told soldiers and Marines to please ignore the fact that American-trained Afghan military...