Tag Archives: middle east

  declar...(hic)...ations

Peggy Noonan Wishes Obama Would Give Ungrateful ISIS Jihadists A Spank Right On Their Bottoms

Dammit, Mama bit into an olive pit.
Sweet Reagan’s nutsack, the cold chilled her to the bone. The snow beat against the windows of her aerie high above the deserted Manhattan streets, themselves devoid of people, filled only with great drifts of snow. She had sent her houseboy Manuel off into a howling storm to fetch more cocktail olives weeks ago and he had never returned. Perhaps, snow-blind and lost in the storm, he had wandered onto the frozen East River and fallen through the ice, or been buried under a pile of snow tossed aside by a plow, where he would stay until everything thawed and melted in the spring. Read more on Peggy Noonan Wishes Obama Would Give Ungrateful ISIS Jihadists A Spank Right On Their Bottoms…
  middle east for dummies

Rand Paul Blames Hillary Clinton For Rise Of ISIS, New Coke, Cancellation Of Happy Endings

Yes you do and it's adorable!
Half-bright tree sloth Rand Paul seems to have decided the path to victory in the presidential election runs right over the doddering, soulless meatsuit d/b/a Hillary Clinton. So Paul has spent months needling the former secretary of state with all the puffed-up ferocity of a school of guppies. His most recent charge? That Hillary Clinton caused the rise of ISIS in Syria and Iraq by waging war in … Libya. Read more on Rand Paul Blames Hillary Clinton For Rise Of ISIS, New Coke, Cancellation Of Happy Endings…
  We do not accept also too

Sarah Palin Apologizes To America, Finally

Kiss it.
Sarah Palin made an appearance on Sean Hannity’s TV Funhouse for Aggrieved White Men last night to do something she should have done a long time ago. She was brought on the show to discuss the finer points of American foreign policy as it relates to the Islamic State, which is right up there with winking and field dressing a moose on the List Of Things Sarah Palin Is Qualified To Do. And then…oh our dear G_d, she actually apologized. Raw Story and HuffPo bring us this story, which will make your liberal grinch hearts grow three sizes this day. Read more on Sarah Palin Apologizes To America, Finally…
  Ted Talks

Ted Cruz Israel Speech Draws Heavenly Hosannas, By Which We Mean A Buncha Ay-rabs Booed Him Offstage

No we cannot all just get along
Photo by Gage Skidmore Wednesday night at a Washington gala dinner, Ted Cruz gave a keynote speech that ended with him getting booed off the stage. The reason? He made the mistake of praising Israel to a room full of Arabs. Whoops. Either someone on Edmonton Ted’s staff fell down on doing the advance work, or Ted himself really does have the brain of an artichoke. Read more on Ted Cruz Israel Speech Draws Heavenly Hosannas, By Which We Mean A Buncha Ay-rabs Booed Him Offstage…
  Be Afraid. Be More Afraid.

Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados

The documentary that changed Tobin's life
Arizona’s primary election is next Tuesday, and the final days of the campaign are bringing out the crazy. Like the early days did, for that matter. And stepping up to the challenge in the District 1 Republican congressional primary is Andy Tobin, the speaker of the state House, who worries that migrant children are carrying Ebola across the border to liquefy our internal organs, just like in that one movie. Read more on Congressional Candidate Will Protect Arizona From Ebola-Ridden Immigrant Kids, Sharknados…
  it starts when you're always afraid

Have A Great Weekend, Try Not To Get Murdered In The Terror Plots!

The State Department is closing a bunch of embassies on Sunday — which is also Barack Obama’s birthday, or so he says – and has issued a travel alert for all Americans traveling abroad, especially in the Middle East, due to some kind of increased threat, possibly from homofascists but more likely from actual scary terrorists in maybe Yemen. CNN says probably Yemen, so who knows, probably the Boston Police have a suspect in custody already. Read more on Have A Great Weekend, Try Not To Get Murdered In The Terror Plots!…
  also he doesn't know where syria is

‘Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Too Hard To Solve,’ Says Forceful Leader Mitt Romney

A happy Mitt Romney Whitey Tape Day to each and every one of you! By now, you are well aware that Mitt simply does not care for the 47 percent of Americans who, due in part to tax-cutting policies put in place by Republican presidents, don’t count Federal income tax among the array of taxes that they pay. But who else does Mitt Romney secretly hold in contempt, on video? And what other long-standing bipartisan foreign policy positions does he reject as unworkable? If you said “the Palestinians, collectively” and “a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict,” you are correct! It turns out Mitt is “torn by two perspectives in this regard”: On the one hand, the Palestinians are monsters who don’t want peace; and, on the other, solving this problem is hard so why bother. Read more on ‘Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Too Hard To Solve,’ Says Forceful Leader Mitt Romney…
  impending death plans

Iran’s Stubborn Refusal To Start Building Nukes Hindering Fun War Plans

Here’s a typical variation on the same disturbing/hilarious lede that we see every few months, each time rendering satire useless: “Reporting from Washington— As U.S. and Israeli officials talk publicly about the prospect of a military strike against Iran’s nuclear program, one fact is often overlooked: U.S. intelligence agencies don’t believe Iran is actively trying to build an atomic bomb.” Eh, minor caveat. [LAT] Read more on Iran’s Stubborn Refusal To Start Building Nukes Hindering Fun War Plans…
  mixed messages!

Barack Obama Is Now Secret Muslim President of Palestine

Maybe Barack Obama’s attitude about 2012 is “Fine, you want this country? Please, help yourself,” because he is moving on – to the Middle East! Where he belongs, according to everybody’s handful of (crazy?) relatives who think Barack Obama is a no good Muslin terrorist. This is why he is totally taking the Palestinians’ side, according to some radio advertisement! Read more on Barack Obama Is Now Secret Muslim President of Palestine…
  it's morning in america

24 Protesters Killed In Libya; Mideast Violence Continues

Libyan security forces killed at least twenty-four protesters during yesterday’s Day of Rage, according to Human Rights Watch. (HRW has also confirmed that Moammar Gadhafi “likes it in the cornhole.”) Demonstrations were held in Tripoli as well as several other cities, with some protests continuing into Friday morning. And in a hilarious attempt to conceal his overwhelming douchiness, Gadhafi is “doubling the salaries of state employees and releasing 110 accused Islamic militants.” Hooray/kill him anyway! [VOA/NYT] Read more on 24 Protesters Killed In Libya; Mideast Violence Continues… Read more on 24 Protesters Killed In Libya; Mideast Violence Continues…
  it's morning in america

Entire Middle East Now Stickin’ It To the Man

There is so much civil disobedience happening everywhere, except here in terrible America, where it is probably needed the most: Mubarak is in coma-exile, Iran just exploded again, and there’s been all sorts of anti-government protests and political unrest in Bahrain, Yemen and Libya. The United States has lots of navy boats stationed in Bahrain, and Barack Obama’s precious Predator drones are very busy killing all the browns in Yemen — so obviously these reasonable demands for basic human rights and political reform are terrifying and horribly dangerous to our National Security and our beloved, XXXXL Homeland. Incredible. [BBC/BBC/NYT] Read more on Entire Middle East Now Stickin’ It To the Man… Read more on Entire Middle East Now Stickin’ It To the Man…
  the revolution will be chalkboarded

Glenn Beck Explains World With Chalk and Construction Paper

Glenn Beck seems to think this is the most important idea he has ever had, so let’s pay attention! Sure, this video appears long, but if you look at it on a conclusions-jumped-to-per-minute basis, it all goes by pretty quickly. LOOK YOU GUYS, GLENN BECK’S CONSTRUCTION-PAPER CAMPFIRE HAS JUMPED OVER TUNISIA AND INTO EGYPT. The s’mores have come home to roost! And now the world is going to end. Just like it does on every Glenn Beck broadcast. Read more on Glenn Beck Explains World With Chalk and Construction Paper…
  it's morning in america

Egypt On the Verge, Biden Praises Mubarak, Protests Spread To Yemen

How many awful, corrupt U.S. client states in the Middle East will collapse under the weight of immense daily protests? The anti-government movement in Egypt makes its biggest show today, with massive numbers of people filling the streets of nearly every big town. Hosni Mubarak’s government has responded in a slow, plodding way but is finally turning to large-scale violence and the usual authoritarian stunts that seem to just make people angrier — today, Egypt’s leadership has turned off every Internet access point and cell phone tower it can figure out how to shut down. Meanwhile, in Washington, Vice President Joe Biden praised Cairo’s 82-year-old dictator like this: “Mubarak has been an ally of ours in a number of things. And he’s been very responsible on, relative to geopolitical interest in the region, the Middle East peace efforts; the actions Egypt has taken relative to normalizing relationship with, with Israel …. I would not refer to him as a dictator.” Of course Hosni’s not a dictator! He listens to his masters in Washington! Meanwhile, the protests are heating up in Yemen, a desperately poor country that has been one of America’s punching bags for years whenever it needs to act “tough on terrorism” by having a billion-dollar robot death plane drop a few “smart bombs” on a goat farmer. [NYT/Guardian/ABC News/CSM] Read more on Egypt On the Verge, Biden Praises Mubarak, Protests Spread To Yemen… Read more on Egypt On the Verge, Biden Praises Mubarak, Protests Spread To Yemen…
  peace at last

Obama Will Use His Magic Hopey Dust To Bring Eternal Peace To Middle East

Apparently Barack Obama had a sweet vacation, because he’s glowing with optimism and just can’t wait to “cure” the Middle East of its eternal sadness. We wish you luck, sir: President Obama is meeting with Israeli, Palestinian, Jordanian and Egyptian leaders on Wednesday to jump-start Middle East peace talks. He’ll have separate meetings in the Oval Office with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel, President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority, King Abdullah II of Jordan, and President Hosni Mubarak of Egypt. Each will speak to the news media in the evening, and the leaders will work over dinner. David Sanger examined Mr. Obama’s efforts this week to make progress on Israeli-Palestinian peace, Iraq and Iran, a trifecta that eluded his predecessors and for which he faces tough odds. Read more on Obama Will Use His Magic Hopey Dust To Bring Eternal Peace To Middle East…
  nation of pussies

AGAIN, WE MUST NOT OVERREACT TO ONE FAILED UNDERPANTS DIME-BAG COCKBOMBER: “In addition to affecting people from Yemen, Nigeria, Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia, all citizens from such countries as Lebanon, Libya, Iraq, Pakistan and Somalia must receive a pat down and an extra check of their carry-on bags before boarding a plane bound for the United States, officials said. Citizens of Cuba, Iran, Sudan and Syria — nations considered ‘state sponsors of terrorism’ — face the same requirement.” It’s America’s Plan For Making New Friends! We will have so, so many New Friends. [NYT] Read more on …
  bomb bomb bomb

Mitt Romney Presents His Nuanced Take On Middle East Geopolitics

It took us so long to check it out, but we finally did, and guess what? Mitt Romney’s “Free and Strong America PAC” website has any number of funnies! There are all these videos of him yelling at Obama for doing things that Mitt Romney did like 20 times when he was governor of Massachusetts. And then he always asks for money to support whatever he needs money for. (The best is probably the one where he goes nuts about cap-and-trade supposedly costing every person $1,700 dollars, after which he requests $5,000 donations.) But let’s check out this dongle he links to at Human Events, an op-ed by Mittens himself: “Iran: Biggest Threat Since Soviets.” Read more on Mitt Romney Presents His Nuanced Take On Middle East Geopolitics…
  why are we even posting this?

Condi: Either We Stay In Afghanistan Forever, Or Every American Dies Again, Just Like On 9/11

Hey did you guys know that Condi Rice is a dipshit still? It’s in the latest news information! “The last time we left Afghanistan, and we abandoned Pakistan … that territory became the very territory on which Al Qaeda trained and attacked us on September 11th. So our national security interests are very much tied up in not letting Afghanistan fail again and become a safe haven for terrorists … It’s that simple… if you want another terrorist attack in the U.S., abandon Afghanistan.” So… the Bush Administration wanted another terrorist attack in the U.S. between 2002 and 2008? This is the last time we ever trust that Karl Rove. [Crooks & Liars] Read more on Condi: Either We Stay In Afghanistan Forever, Or Every American Dies Again, Just Like On 9/11…
  politely changing the subject

Obama Is Just As Bored With All This Policy-y Health Care Whatever As Everyone Else

The health care debate’s fifteen minutes are finally, finally up. Ugh, do you even remember all that? Anyway, Obama will now solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, America’s original synonym for “unable to be fixed with one swift gesture.” Obama’s (alleged!) new peace plan includes TEN swift gestures, which he will (allegedly!) present at a peace conference in Egypt at the end of the month. This does not leave much time for every person on Earth to begin absolutely despising each clause of the hated plan for quasi-personal reasons of varying legitimacy! Let’s begin immediately. Read more on Obama Is Just As Bored With All This Policy-y Health Care Whatever As Everyone Else…
  not good at all

Mike Huckabee Would Not Be A Good Envoy For Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks

Very funny things happen when Mike Huckabee opens his mouth and says words about foreign policy. Remember the above clip from one of those hilarious 2008 GOP primary debates? He just had no idea what to say! And things don’t seem to have changed much, given today’s very confident declaration of no-peace. Read more on Mike Huckabee Would Not Be A Good Envoy For Israeli-Palestinian Peace Talks…
  fun with maps

Iraq, Egypt, Whatever, Just Make Sure To Bomb It All

This “mini-Katrina” of a Fox News gem is a few days old, but we want to ensure that everyone on the Internet sees it. What’s more interesting is how Iran, Israel, Syria, and Jordan hover as parallel planes 10,000 miles above the Earth’s surface. Also, there is no country named “Jordan,” come on, that can’t be real. [Washington Independent] Read more on Iraq, Egypt, Whatever, Just Make Sure To Bomb It All…
  stop it

Have You Seen The Newest Funny Linkbait In Newsweek?

Oh man, Newsweek. We were all prepared to just ignore this, to make it die, because JESUS, but the copy editors closed the deal nicely with this subhed: “Peace Partners: Bush and Obama could play good-cop, bad-cop with Israel.” OH COME ON. Fine, here’s a quick mockery of your broke magazine’s pornographic web-dung. Read more on Have You Seen The Newest Funny Linkbait In Newsweek?…
  why does he love death so much?

McCain: Let’s Go Give Those A-rabs In Wherever A New Election, HEHNGNN?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy Here’s more of John McCain making a damn ruckus over Iran. He truly believes that the United States must do whatever it can — use all available options! — to ensure Iran counts all votes in its domestic presidential election. (And it also needs to ensure that Ahmadinejad loses, regardless of how the votes play out. Democracy!) Just remember, again, that if WALNUTS! were president right now, you would be dead, regardless of age, as all Americans would have been shipped out to fight in the wars in Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, China, Russia, Spain, France, Mexico, “Africa,” Spain again, North Korea, Greece, Italy, Nazi Germany, the Carolinas, and Neptune. [MSNBC] Read more on McCain: Let’s Go Give Those A-rabs In Wherever A New Election, HEHNGNN?…