Wonkette

* Chuck Hagel will announce his ‘08 candidacy on Monday. Or he’ll do something else. Or he’ll do nothing. [Political Wire]
* Iranian defense minister defects to U.S. with decades of knowledge of government-backed terror operations, secret hummus recipe. [Passport]
* Scooter’s SCOTUS drinking buddies control whether he’ll have new soap-on-a-rope shower buddies. [Inside Court TV]
* It takes more than just a flat head to get Jon Tester’s hair like that. [The Sleuth]
* Air America knows you’re no one until you failed spectacularly, twice. [MoJo]
* Pete Domenici’s new lawyer feels the same way. [TPM Muckraker]
* They may not be real Mitt Romney supporters, but they play ‘em on the Internet. [techPresident]
* Henry Kissinger uses panel discussions on global poverty to get ass. [Radar]
* Monopolist talks competitiveness with communist congressmen — yay America! [The Swamp]

• Hotmail hates America. Just kidding! But not really, they do. “Is this a case of Microsoft just being lazy and not fighting scammers in other countries, going after the most commonly used phishers, or is something more nefarious at work?” OCCAM’S RAZOR SURRENDERS. [NewsBusters]

• Also hating America: Google News. Dammit, can we only trust Yahoo? [World O' Crap]
• Club For Growth… praising… Barney Frank… our heads… imploding… must… get… to… utility belt… [Club For Growth]
• Don’t you hate unions? Business lobbyists sure do! [Jalopnik]

* Have you heard about Microsoft’s new strategy? “Microsoft Corp. has a strategy to win over a whole new generation of consumers and his name is Fergie Fudgehog.” The flaw in this strategy is sort of hard to divine, unless you…say, READ THAT SENTENCE OUT LOUD. [Washington Post]
* Will the South Dakota abortion ban exempt women impregnated by aliens? Nobody knows, but the prospect allows for some awesome sci-fi synergy for Bill Napoli’s sociopathic rape fantasies. And that’s your official Wonkette “Bill Napoli is one sick fuck” Reminder for Wednesday, March 15! [The Bad Reporter@SFGate]
* Condoleezza Rice gets in some practice reps. [Perez Hilton]
* Even Chris Matthews’ conflicts-of-interests are lame. [Attytood]
* Jeez. Everyone over in the Brokeback Mountain camp needs to calm down. They give out awards to stuff far junkier and shaft films that are much better. Forest Gump? Marisa Tomei? Besides, everyone KNOWS that the real Best Picture wins Best Screenplay. [The Greensborian]