MICHIGAN DEMOCRATS COME UP WITH NEW PLAN THAT WILL FAIL: The Michigan Democratic party has yet another new proposal to figure out its horrible situation: Give 69 delegates to Hillary and 59 to Obama. SOUNDS GOOD OVER HERE. But a little 69 action may not be good enough for Hillary. [Marc Ambinder]

Jiminy crickets, the DNC is going to have more hearings on May fucking 31 to decide the status of Michigan and Florida’s delegates. They are going to sit around in a stack of burning hobbit carcases and drink Sprite and think about whether they should seat the states’ superdelegates and half of their plebeian delegates. The delegates have declared that standing room will not suffice. [Ben Smith]

Ralph Nader really wants to ruin this election, too, so he is apparently running for president again. And guess what? The bitter, poor, unemployed and probably communist voters of Michigan (a “failed state”) are supposedly throwing 10% of their votes away on “Nader-Gonzales.” Well, at least Alberto Gonzales found a job. Read the exciting campaign update from Ralph the Mouth, after the jump. MORE »

And here is the $150 hooker that polished the knob of Sen. Debbie “Stab Me Now” Stabenow’s husband “near” Big Beaver, in Michigan. Her name is Alycia Lorraine Martin (always three names with these gals!), and her MySpace page features these combinations of letters: “**If you cant handel me at my worst, den you dont deserve me at muh best** Life too short for sadness alwayz smile its worth it no matter wut! BELEIVE IT!! ..” Hmm. She appears to be speaking Mexican. Translation, anyone? [The Smoking Gun]

If there’s one thing Democrats have learned from this whole Spitzer mess, it’s that the public has no patience for public figures who overspend on hookers. That’s why Tom Athans, Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow’s husband and the cofounder of a liberal radio station, deserves a hearty pat on the back for spending less on a hooker than he would have spent on a nice dinner with his wife. MORE »

NO THEY CAN’T: NO NEW PRIMARY FOR MICHIGAN: So the Michigan Democratic state leadership and Carl Levin didn’t agree on whatever and now Hillary can’t have another Michigan primary, so … Obama wins, somehow, even though she won the pretend primary? Anyway, hooray Michigan! We hear you! So, no re-do in Florida or Michigan. This thing may end by 2037 after all. [Politico/Election Geek]

They are reaching another Deal to have a primary in that state! Colorado? No, Michigan! A statement from Party Officials, via the New York Times: “At this time we are focusing on the possibility of a state-run primary in early June, which would not use any state funding. This option would require the passage of legislation by the State Legislature, and we look forward to working with the members of the Legislature in the coming days to see if this option can be made a reality.” Ooh, a state primary that Jesus and the Mexicans pay for — that’s the best solution yet! Watch it fail. [NYT]

The Florida Democratic party has issued a draft memo for a possible mail-in do-over primary vote that will likely never happen, because it costs money. It would also require effort, and everyone in Florida is a retired police officer. Who wants to piece that half-baked bastardization of Democracy together? The various alligators? No, no one wants this… this… “mail-in” faux primary. Fortunately the Democratic party “elders” may be cooking up something that requires no effort and everyone would accept, but maybe not Barack Obama. MORE »

Dr. Jack Kevorkian — the “assisted suicide advocate” who spent eight years in prison for second degree murder — is planning on running for Congress in Michigan. He is 80 years old, and is responsible for many half-voluntary deaths. Jesus, if he had gotten his shit together earlier, he could’ve won the Republican nomination for president. MORE »

From The New Republic: “A member of the DNC’s Rules And Bylaws Committee–the committee that stripped Florida and Michigan of its delegates for moving their primaries before February 5th–told me that Michigan plans to get out of its uncounted delegate problem by announcing a new caucus in the next few days.” Ruh roh, a caucus is no good for the Hillary — people like to be behind 40 secret polling booths to let anyone else know they’re voting for her. So… Michigan now doesn’t count, Mark Penn? PLEASE SAY Michigan doesn’t count! [TNR]

Hooray for Hillary — she won Texas and Ohio yesterday but made absolutely no inroads into Obama’s insurmountable pledged delegate lead! What’s next? According to everyone’s favorite senior adviser Harold Ickes, pledged delegates don’t matter, because they are not bound and will vote for Clinton when Obama is revealed to be behind 9/11 & terror. MORE »