Wonkette

• EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS ABOUT RACE: Wonkette boring luncheons operative “Beth” sends us this secret dispatch: “I just got back from a luncheon for Washington Gov. Chris Gregoire, headlined by Michelle Obama. Michelle said that her favorite chocolate in the world is Fran’s Chocolates — she said she and Barack fight over them, and hide them from each other. Then she said, ‘He likes the light chocolate, I prefer the dark chocolate.’ We all laughed, then thought, ‘Wait a minute…’” We assume the long awkward silence broke when some white reporter randomly shouted, “that Christopher Rock is the finest jokesmith I’ve seen — of either race! — since, golly, I don’t know when.”

• WOMAN, YOU ARE TOO RICH TO ACTUALLY EXIST: In case you haven’t heard about this yet, here’s what Cindy McCain said on CNN yesterday: “In Arizona, the only way to get around the state is by small private plane.” Uh, uh… and Michelle Obama drives a hybrid that doesn’t love its country! *RUNS TO PRIVATE PLANE* [Huffington Post]

Yesterday Wonkette brought you the EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE SEEN NOWHERE ELSE of Barack Obama’s 10- and 7-year-old daughters, Misha and Selma or whatever, being interviewed by some pretty Access Hollywood gal. This was a first, as Obama usually likes to hide his children in underground caves to shield them from THE SPINELESS INTERNET. Naturally, everyone made fun of these two children and, by the end of the day, were blaming them for starting the Iraq War and also capitulating on FISA. Nary an Internet Addict found the children, say, adorable. And that is why Barack Obama told adult-child Diane Sawyer on today’s Good Morning America that he’ll never put his children on teevee again. MORE »

Did you miss the daytime teevee shows because you have to “work” somewhere? Don’t worry, just relax with a dough-nut or whatever and enjoy this charming interview with the whole Obama family, including rarely seen stepson “Urkel.” When you’re done with the video, remember to check out the “Top 10 Weird Animals.” Platypus, wtf? [Today Show]

Need a new Internet Slogan now that all your other old, worn-out slogans were used up by Weezer or immigrants? Here is one for you, only a day old and still pretty much used up like Krusty’s porn: I am aware of all Internet Traditions. What the hell? We will tell you, and you’ll feel dumber for it. MORE »

This is the most crucial segment of Michelle Obama’s amazing visit to The View, in which the ladies discuss Mrs. Obama’s fierce guns, Whoopi Goldberg congratulates her for having teeth without gold around them, and Barbara Walters bitches about pantyhose. Then Michelle tells a cute story about her ten-year-old daughter, who can’t pass any laws. [RedLasso]

The next President of the United States, Michelle Obama, will debase herself before an audience of nice American ladies when she guest-hosts The View today with Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Bette Midler, Boy George, and Ferris Bueller. Stay with us as we liveblog this possibly tragicomic trainwreck at 11AM Eastern — just one short hour from now! [The View]

Get ready for the softer, whiter side of Michelle Obama! According to somebody at the New York Times who leaked it to Drudge Report, Barack’s fancy corporate wife is getting a “subtle makeover” that will finally make right-wing nuts put aside racism and sexism so they can metaphorically embrace their new first lady, who represents everything they so deeply resent in life: intelligence, wealth, style, liberalism and especially the “being female” and “being black” parts. UPDATE: Oh here it is. MORE »

Here it is, the terrible bit of “word play” that has offended everybody with its obvious lack of racial transcendence. A “baby mama” is the term for a lady who has mothered some or all of a gentleman’s illegitimate children, and clearly does not apply to Michelle Obama. Now please quit sending us this thing. [Salon]

Here is old former president George (H.W.) Bush Senior, enjoying a gay game of Yale Tennis with this young thing (Communist Soviet sex spy Anna Kournikova) who is also not his scary old crone wife. They are giving each other a sexy Terrorist Fist Jab, like all the Bushes do with all their girlfriends and boyfriends. Oh and that dipshit lady at Fox News got fired, haw haw.