Wonkette

They even called her “our commander in sheath”! Michelle Obama officially joined Vanity Fair’s International Best Dressed List, while Cindy McCain sat at home and wept into her Chico’s catalog. [NYDN/Vanity Fair]

Well, this is the topper. Barack Obama cannot be the American president because he refuses to participate in our glorious national tradition of giving our children lots of expensive plastic shit for them to choke on all the time. These communist Obamas throw birthday parties for their tots but do not give them actual presents. What other subversive values are the Obamas teaching their children? MORE »

• WAH WAH WAH: Barack Obama, speaking to popular ladies’ magazine Glamour: “Everybody who knows Michelle knows how extraordinary she is. She’s ironically the most quintessentially American woman I know. She grew up in a ‘Leave it to Beaver’ family.” So this is your story, Hussein? Then maybe you can explain that candid photograph of her on the cover of the latest New Yorker magazine. [Glamour via LA Times]

• EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS ABOUT RACE: Wonkette boring luncheons operative “Beth” sends us this secret dispatch: “I just got back from a luncheon for Washington Gov. Chris Gregoire, headlined by Michelle Obama. Michelle said that her favorite chocolate in the world is Fran’s Chocolates — she said she and Barack fight over them, and hide them from each other. Then she said, ‘He likes the light chocolate, I prefer the dark chocolate.’ We all laughed, then thought, ‘Wait a minute…’” We assume the long awkward silence broke when some white reporter randomly shouted, “that Christopher Rock is the finest jokesmith I’ve seen — of either race! — since, golly, I don’t know when.”

• WOMAN, YOU ARE TOO RICH TO ACTUALLY EXIST: In case you haven’t heard about this yet, here’s what Cindy McCain said on CNN yesterday: “In Arizona, the only way to get around the state is by small private plane.” Uh, uh… and Michelle Obama drives a hybrid that doesn’t love its country! *RUNS TO PRIVATE PLANE* [Huffington Post]

Yesterday Wonkette brought you the EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE SEEN NOWHERE ELSE of Barack Obama’s 10- and 7-year-old daughters, Misha and Selma or whatever, being interviewed by some pretty Access Hollywood gal. This was a first, as Obama usually likes to hide his children in underground caves to shield them from THE SPINELESS INTERNET. Naturally, everyone made fun of these two children and, by the end of the day, were blaming them for starting the Iraq War and also capitulating on FISA. Nary an Internet Addict found the children, say, adorable. And that is why Barack Obama told adult-child Diane Sawyer on today’s Good Morning America that he’ll never put his children on teevee again. MORE »

Did you miss the daytime teevee shows because you have to “work” somewhere? Don’t worry, just relax with a dough-nut or whatever and enjoy this charming interview with the whole Obama family, including rarely seen stepson “Urkel.” When you’re done with the video, remember to check out the “Top 10 Weird Animals.” Platypus, wtf? [Today Show]

Need a new Internet Slogan now that all your other old, worn-out slogans were used up by Weezer or immigrants? Here is one for you, only a day old and still pretty much used up like Krusty’s porn: I am aware of all Internet Traditions. What the hell? We will tell you, and you’ll feel dumber for it. MORE »