So the Obamas are replacing a lot of the landscapes and marble busts and whatever in the White House with new art that they actually like. For example, this thing over there to the right depicting two very different people who are united by their shared interest in murdering a buffalo. The Times, the British one, calls this a “cultural revolution.” This is true! Very soon all families in America will be required to own several Rothkos, or the equivalent in buffalo murder landscapes. Anyway, let’s skip pretending we’re not going to do this and just go ahead and extrapolate Barack Obama’s policy initiatives based on the First Lady’s selection of interior decoration. MORE »

• One hundred years from now, school children will marvel at how obtuse Americans in 2009 really were. “How could they not have known Barack Obama was a Reptilian Shapeshifter?” the children will ask. And then their civics teacher Mr. Floyd will chuckle and reply, “They were very stupid. Very very stupid.” [True/Slant: Harmon Leon]
• Meanwhile, Michelle Obama goes on Sesame Street. But does she compose an awesome song about geometry, just like Philip Glass did? [The Caucus]
• Glenn Beck is the loneliest man on the earth. [Think Progress]
• Is it at all surprising that Creigh Deeds loves taxes more than he loves his children, but also hates Democracy with all his heart? No. No, it is not. [RedState]
• There is serious money to be made disrespecting Republicans. Just ask Alan Grayson, who is now officially rich. [TPM]

Never steal a samurai’s Xbox. Because he will Seppuku you, with his samurai sword… that he ordered from SkyMall… while studying electrical engineering at Johns Hopkins. [Washington Times] MORE »

On yesterday’s edition of the television program Fox News Sunday, Chris Wallace dared ask his guest, weird Joe Wilson, if he hates Barack Obama because of his black race. (It is common for white people to hate/enslave black people in South Carolina.) Wilson was all, no c’mon man! Then he empirically proved that he is best friends with the black Michelle Obama: “I respect President Obama. Actually, there’s a relationship in a way … his wife, ah, her family’s from Georgetown [South Carolina], ah, my family’s from next door, in McClellanville, so I, ah, have a great respect for the president.” WE BET THESE FAMILIES HUNG OUT ALL THE TIME. [Daily Intel via The Awl]

• WELL, IF YOU SAY IT HAPPENED, THEN IT DID: The HuffPo seems to think it may have possibly seen some vague indication that perhaps maybe depending on the angle Michelle Obama did this, supposedly: “First Lady Michelle Obama, seated behind and above Wilson, seemed to mouth a drawn-out ‘damn’ at the scene unfolding before her.” [HuffPo]

Who is this “BA-RAK” you speak of, Sir Paul? Think you can use the fancy French lyrics to get a First Lady? That only works in France. [Big 100.3]

The bounty hunters at CNN have located the plantation from which Michelle Obama escaped, and returned her. Pulitzer for Public Service much? [CNN via Wonkette bounty hunter "Patrick"]

For the past four years, a bunch of employees at the famous Burr Oak Cemetery in Chicago have been digging up bodies, throwing them in the trash — not even recycling! — and reselling the plots for exorbitant sums totaling $300,000. The cemetery is now a crime scene, because apparently Capitalism is illegal now? In America? Barack Obama can basically be blamed 100% for this latest Police State crackdown, too, because his wife Michelle’s father is (was?) buried in that cemetery, making this a textbook conflict-of-interest case and an affront to hard-working people who live in small towns instead of big cities. [ABC]

What enemy of America is Nobama meeting now? Oh, just former Nazi Youth and New World Order socialist Joseph Ratzinger, Italy’s latest “bad pope.” How lousy is this pope? He even let Chicago Muslin lady Michelle Obama inside His boys-only clubhouse! [CBC]

• Barack Obama forgot how he met Michelle, his wife, his guiding star! You’ve only been married to the woman since 1992, Barack. Jesus Lord. And last year he forgot to get her a wedding anniversary present, so he swung by Radio Shack after work and picked up a lousy DVD box set. Ugh, the DVD box set is for the twentieth anniversary! [Swampland]
• Had a poopy day? Well that is now over, because the Guardian is servin’ up the feel-good tonic of the millenium with this, the wacky story of Binyam Mohamed! It’s more fun than The Hangover and Transformers Two combined, times ten! Savor every word. You will love it. It is a happy story. Go! Go read the happy story! [Guardian]
• The Democrats want to pass a resolution honoring Michael Jackson, but Michelle Malkin no likey — it’s just another piece of legislation full of pork-barrel spending! John Boehner read the resolution over and over again on the House floor, for sixty entire minutes, because the voters deserve to know what’s in this piece of shit. TEA PARTY! [Michelle Malkin]
• Screw health care! You know what we really need? It’s almost too obvious. [The Caucus]

This pretty picture shows Michelle and Barack Obama in silhouette, as Washington is bombed by the Independence Day socialist aliens from the planet Hawaii. After a holiday weekend of the desperately unhappy and angry Sarah Palin threatening everyone with lawsuits on Twitter and Facebook, Pete Souza’s picture of a happy couple enjoying the Fourth is like ulcer medicine. And, if you can imagine, it was a WHOLE DIFFERENT WORLD before Palin’s public meltdown. We just read about it in Paul Slansky’s TIME index.