Tag Archives: michelle obama

  Unofficial birthday itinerary

Happy 54th, President Obama! You’re Still The Kenyan Muslim Infiltrator OF OUR HEARTS!

Happy birthday, you young thing!
On this day 54 years ago, the long foretold Barack Hussein Obama was born in a remote field in Indokenyamuslimstan, the love child of the Prophet Muhammad and Beyoncé, who is a lot older than she looks. Everybody was so excited! Three wise men came from afar, not bearing gifts, but simply a scroll containing the Illuminati’s plan for how the baby boy would one day infiltrate US America and turn it gay, for Marxism. And then he grew up and the prophecies were fulfilled! Well, most of them anyway. He still has to do the part where he takes away all the guns and declares himself president of America forever, times infinity. Read more on Happy 54th, President Obama! You’re Still The Kenyan Muslim Infiltrator OF OUR HEARTS!…
  he WOULD say that

Obama Could Be President For Life, But He Doesn’t Want To. OR DOES HE?

WHATCHA THINKIN' ABOUT, BARRY HUSSEIN OBUMMER?
President Obama told the African Union that he’s badass and he could win a third term as president of US America, but he doesn’t want to. Because why? Because he wants to be president of Africa, where he was born from Saul Alinsky’s vagina! No just kidding. Presidenting is HARD, and when you’re a Former President of US America, your entire life is blowjobs and candy canes and sneaking cigarettes when mean Michelle isn’t looking and oh also, you are rich: Read more on Obama Could Be President For Life, But He Doesn’t Want To. OR DOES HE?…
  How was YOUR dumb week?

Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week

Editrix can have Old Handsome Joe Biden, we like Sexy Obama.
Oh look at the White House all BRAGGIN’ and shit. That Nice Time video above was provided to yr Wonkette (and by “provided,” we mean we went to the White House website and copied the embed code) as a way of illustrating how Barack Obama just had one of the most badass weeks of his entire presidency, a week bigger than the best weeks of Sarah Palin’s, Ronald Reagan’s, your mom’s, and Jesus’s presidencies COMBINED. Read more on Barack Obama’s Terrible, Horrible, Badass, Balls Out Rager Of A Week…
  Paramilitary Feminists Invade White House

Girl Scouts Sneak Past Secret Service, Camp Out On White House Lawn

Ok, this is just all kinds of cute — to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the National Parks system and Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” healthy-stuff initiative, and also because there’s just never a bad time to have photos of smiley kids with the POTUS and the FLOTUS, the Obamas hosted a whole gaggle of Girl Scouts from all over the country for a campout on the south lawn of the White House. It was almost as cute as that time Obama wore a tiara or the other time he met the little scouts at the White House science fair. Read more on Girl Scouts Sneak Past Secret Service, Camp Out On White House Lawn…
  Dun fell off the wagon

Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes

Bad president bad!
OH NO, President Obama is back behind the high school gym again, smoking all the cigarettes and rolling his eyes, maybe and allegedly! Cigarettes are a well-known slippery slope to getting potted up on weed and socializing America. Obama was caught on camera chattin’ up Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi at the G7 Summit in Germany, and he certainly appears to be holding a pack of cigarettes, doing that gesture where he’s flipping open a pack to pull one out and light up. But is he really doing that? Hard to tell! Because yr Wonkette likes to think the best of people and doesn’t like to jump to conclusions, what else might he be holding in his nicotine-stained hands? Read more on Nine Things President Obama Might Be Holding Besides This Dirty Pack Of Cigarettes…
  To be fair Millenials ARE the worst

Bill O’Reilly Knows Why Kids These Days Are Stupid And Dumb, And It Is Facebook

News man.
Bill O’Reilly, the world’s greatest news reporter, who has never lied about anything at any time, knows who is stupid, and it is millennials. Why? Because they get their news from these silly sources like The Internet. “Reporting” on a Pew poll that found 61 percent of millennials get political news from Facebook, while others get news from Google News and Yahoo, O’Reilly said, “I don’t know what any of that means.” We know, Bill, it is very confusing: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Knows Why Kids These Days Are Stupid And Dumb, And It Is Facebook…
  The poor dears

Caitlyn Jenner Making Wingnuts Feel Shame Tingles In Their No-No Parts

Your reaction to this picture says more about you than it says about Caitlyn Jenner.
Monday, Caitlyn Jenner revealed her transition to the world on the cover of Vanity Fair. Known up to that point as Bruce Jenner, male Olympian and Kardashian-adjacent person, she told her story to journalist Buzz Bissinger, while Annie Leibovitz supplied the pictures. Most people said things like “Wow, she looks beautiful!” and “Good for her!” and, in the case of badass trans actress Laverne Cox, “Yasss Gawd! Werk Caitlyn! Get it!” (Cox also said many other important things, read it.) Read more on Caitlyn Jenner Making Wingnuts Feel Shame Tingles In Their No-No Parts…
  Nice Time. OR IS IT?

Oh Great, Now Obama Wants Poor Kids To Read Books, Will This White House Ever Stop?

It's a book. For kids. Shut up.
Look what the Tyrant Obama is up to now! He’s got some half-cocked idea that poor kids should be able to read books, FOR FREE, instead of paying their fair share. So he’s announcing a program Thursday to give poor kids access to 10,000 e-books, which they can read on their Obamaphones, or other appropriate computers or tablets. The Obama administration seems to think it’s somehow a good thing to encourage disadvantaged kids to become better readers and do well in school: Read more on Oh Great, Now Obama Wants Poor Kids To Read Books, Will This White House Ever Stop?…
  Probably doesn't want to do flower arrangements for gay weddings

There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again

Michelle Obama looks happy, but she is ANGRY ABOUT FLOWERS.
The Washington Post is a-buzzing, due to the fact that the White House Head Florist, Laura Dowling, has left, and nobody will say why: [T]he recent exit of head florist Laura Dowling, who’d been in the job since 2009, has been a much quieter affair. So hush hush, in fact, that most outside of 1600 Penn knew nothing about it. There’s still no official comment on why Dowling is no longer at the White House, but according to a source with close ties to current residence staffers, she was escorted from the building on Friday Feb. 13. When asked why she doesn’t come do nice flowers at the White House anymore, Dowling issued a statement THROUGH HER LAWYER: Read more on There Goes Michelle Obama, Murdering The White House Florist Again…
  War on boys

Oh Great, Now Michelle Obama Wants To Force Girls To Learn Stuff

Now she's going to strong-arm girls into learning? IMPEACH!
Will the assault on freedom never end? Unsatisfied with oppressing our children — of whom someone should please think — with vegetables and gardening and 10 seconds of exercise every other month, Michelle Obama is now launching an assault on girl brains around the globe, which are just fine as is, thank you very much. But oh no, not in the first lady’s opinion, which she expressed in that commie rag weekly, the Wall Street Journal: Read more on Oh Great, Now Michelle Obama Wants To Force Girls To Learn Stuff…
  MOAR NICE TIME!

Here Are Barack And Michelle Obama On Television, So Probably Someone Is Mad About That

Barack “Barry Bamz Obummer the Kenyan” Obama went on the Jimmy Kimmel program to do that segment Jimmy sometimes does, where celebrities read all the mean and nasty things Twitter says about them, even though really, the ones they picked out are not all THAT mean, probably because Obama thinks he’s president or something, despite Tom Cotton’s clear explanation to the Iranians that Obama is NOT PRESIDENT. Read more on Here Are Barack And Michelle Obama On Television, So Probably Someone Is Mad About That…
  It must be the fever talking

Mike Huckabee: Ted Nugent’s Song About Ladies’ Vaginas Really Just About Kitty Cats

Mike Huckabee should probably stop talking now. After being universally mocked for writing in his new book that the Obamas belong in bad-parent prison for letting their daughters listen to Beyonce’s whore music — which is basically the same thing as buying them a stripper pole — he was then universally mocked even more for that time he was getting his rock on to a song about sexing ladies, with his BFF Ted Nugent, “an outspoken rocker and a political commentator, but above all, he’s a patriot.” Read more on Mike Huckabee: Ted Nugent’s Song About Ladies’ Vaginas Really Just About Kitty Cats…
  Why aren't the Obamas in bad-parent jail?

Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Beyonce Still Hasn’t Resigned In Disgrace

Mike Huckabee, perpetual maybe-presidential candidate, wrote a book about what’s wrong with America. Everything, basically, is wrong with America — including the Obamas allowing their daughters to get their hippity-hop on to Beyonce’s whore music. But it’s not as if he wanted anyone to notice that. That anyone in the media is all, “Huh? What?” just proves his point that America is a cesspool of Indecency and Immorality and other I-words. (The Huckster is also fond of the greatest I-word in the Bible, which no Republicans ever talk about, ever, but it rhymes with dimpeachment.) Read more on Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Beyonce Still Hasn’t Resigned In Disgrace…
  pieholes are for shutting

Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Obamas Allow Girls To Listen To Beyonce, Who Is A Prostitute

Huck must have needed a whole bottle of his heart pills when this popped up on screen.
Mike Huckabee, a man so unpleasant that dogs will commit suicide to avoid being dragged home to meet him, has been looking for a way he can distinguish himself as this election cycle’s go-to moral scold. Not content to call a black entertainer a pimp for letting his singer wife dance around on a stage like a common tart, he has now gone after two of the singer’s fans by questioning their parents’ judgment for letting them listen to her music. Oh, and those fans happen to be Malia and Sasha Obama. Damn kids, always listening to that Negro jazz and swinging their hips around like horny sex monsters and such! Read more on Mike Huckabee Can’t Believe Obamas Allow Girls To Listen To Beyonce, Who Is A Prostitute…
  Do They Even Know It's Kwanzaa?

Obamas Can’t Help Dragging Race Into Kwanzaa Statement

Barack and Obama Michelle Obama have released their Annual Perfunctory Message for Kwanzaa: A “celebration highlighting the rich African American heritage and culture”? Why not just release Michelle’s “Whitey” tape while you’re at it, Barry? Read more on Obamas Can’t Help Dragging Race Into Kwanzaa Statement…
  It’s like they think they’re black or something

Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black

always talking about race all the time
Ugh, the so-called “first family” is trying to start a race war — again! Like it’s not bad enough that President Obama is always injecting race into statements about how if he had a black son, his son would be black, which serves no purpose other than inciting White Man’s Fury on Fox News. Or how Michelle Obama has been injecting race into trying to keep our fat-ass kids from dropping dead from their strict diets of soda and cheesy poofs — by being black. Read more on Racist Obamas Try To Start Race War On Whitey By Talking About Being Black…