Wonkette

Michelle Obama is worse than Cindy McCain times Sarah Palin divided by Imelda Marcos times one million. Her election-night earrings cost a reported $11,000 — approximately twice what a healthy human kidney will fetch on the black market! This is a relevant metric because next year we will all be selling our kidneys to make rent, until we burn down our rental dwellings for firewood. Meanwhile, the Obamas will be sitting in the White House feasting on precious gems and fillets of endangered species. [New York Magazine/British Vogue]

LOOK folks, Joe Biden knows when a dame’s got the good stuff, okay? Literally. Joe’s just snagged himself the #2 position in American government and guess what, yeah that’s right, he’s gonna convert that into some grade-A trim, real classy broads, new one each night. Got it, chump? There ya go. So who’s Joey gonna make first here? Any gal he wants, just has to point, see… Ah! He’ll go with her, that black one over there, Barry’s better half, what’s she call herself again. Michelle. Yeah, Michelle Obama, step right up, Joey Biden wants to show you some vice-presidential hubba hubba HUBBA! MORE »

So that weird blocky criss-crossy thing Michelle Obama wore last night was by Narciso Rodriguez, based on his Spring 2009 collection. Maybe it looked really awesome up close? [AP]

Here’s an exciting video of Michelle and Barack Obama voting at their Chicago polling station for an actual century. Just cold goin’ down that ballot and pickin’ winners. Really, though, it’s just Michelle who takes so goddamn long; Barry finishes his ballot in normal human time, and then he and the children mock her for being weird. Clearly elitist Michelle Obama doesn’t understand how real ‘merkins vote: pick the president who has the most signs everywhere and then write-in “DONKEY SEX” for the remaining contests. [YouTube, The Page]

BARACK THE BARGAIN HUNTER: Conservative blog TownHall.com investigated those fancy Obamas to see how much they spent on clothes. Barack & Michelle’s nomination night outfits cost under $3,000, or about 2% of Sarah Palin’s RNC shopping spree — and that includes a custom-made suit for Hopey. The Obamas also apparently bought their clothes with their own money, like Americans who support capitalism. [Town Hall]

Why is Cindy McCain so angry all of the time? Can America afford to have a first lady who is such an angry angry harridan? What a terribly scary woman, with her angry rants! Ah well, at least she is not as terrifying as Michelle Obama, who has a classy hairdo and says classy things on Larry King Live all the time. [YouTube]

Here is that remarkable video from last night, just after the debate. The news channels quickly cut to their commentators and spin rooms and such, but the C-SPAN cameras stayed as long as there was a candidate in the room. Here’s what to watch for: MORE »

No one likes Michelle Obama because she went to Princeton and then glibly took her degree “on the road,” back to Chicago, where she lived off of welfare, like a slob, up to and including this day. And she hates America! Well, Smartypants gave her “critics” — basically, Michelle Malkin and a few other losers — more reason to attack her today when she asked voters not to decide their vote based on, “she’s cute.” And as the AP tells us in an objective news report, those words were part of an evil guerilla conspiracy against Sarah Palin. MMHMM. MORE »

Your pretend Jackie Kennedy girlfriend, Michelle Obama, appeared on daytime teevee today and did what all daytime teevee guests do: dance with that famous lesbian gal, Ellen. Barack Obama has been there, although he kept his muted dance moves within “the safe zone,” a politician’s best friend. BUT MICHELLE JUST GOES NUTS WITH HER DANCING, and even pulls out some “Vogue,” and then we stopped watching because what is this? [YouTube]

“The man stood outside his RV, yelling and shooting a gun into the air. When Pasco sheriff’s deputies confronted him, he ran inside and wouldn’t come out … Finally, about 5 a.m., he exited his RV and was taken into custody. The cause of his displeasure, according to Doll, was Michelle Obama’s speech last night at the Democratic National Convention.” Displeasure? Maybe pleasure. We will never know. Well, we will know. For now what we know is that a man in Florida watched Michelle Obama speak at the Democratic National Convention then left his trailer, screaming like a banshee, shooting at the sky. [TampaBay.com]

MSNBC analyst Patrick “Pat” Buchanan hates Michelle Obama because she didn’t specifically say “church” in her speech last night. Apparently, the OPENING PRAYER and CLOSING BENEDICTION to Jesus at the convention weren’t enough to prove to Average Americans that Democrats don’t worship a cat’s asshole. [YouTube]